"Are you going to leave me?"

[AlwaysMean]

 

It's been awhile since I had a presence here. I feel like my relationship is in the beginning stages of moving the right direction. There is one thing that I cannot get passed and need some advice.

I am constantly dealing with the "Are you going to leave me?", "You should leave me", "I am ugly", "Eww, I am gross", "Why do you something disgusting like me?" and the list goes on...

I easily forgive and forget and move on but this constant self-esteem poke is getting old. I have reassured nearly every time that these things are not how I see the world and have eventually started  to explore other ways to get passed this behavior. One for example was asking him why he keeps saying such things. The typical answer for his appearance was because people told him that all his life.

Re-assurance doesn't help, its been nearly three years of letting him know my thoughts. I am feeling like my words/thoughts don't have any value to him. Also, I feel like there is some kind of sympathy manipulation happening here. What is the purpose of sympathy manipulation? (I noticed his siblings and father use a similar manipulation tactic as well)

In the end, I guess, I am looking for two things. One, how do I ask him "What is he getting out of this behavior?" Two, how do I talk to him about adjusting this behavior.

Thanks for your input.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Oddly enough, saying you don’t agree with his self assessment can be invalidating, even though that may be the outcome he is after.

He is getting something out of this, your reassurance, and if you are tired of the game, you could merely say, “That must feel bad to think that about yourself.” You could rephrase this in a number of ways if he continues.

That way you aren’t invalidating his self opinion, and you are not giving him the approval he craves, so he will be less likely to continue with this pattern.

[T0M]

That resonates so much.

My GF is also suffering from a paralyzing low self esteem. She is really pretty, but cant seem to accept that.

It is not only about her looks, it is also about her house, her job, her car, her intelligence, her everything.
I tried to objectively reason her out of it. Even comparing what she has, and has accomplished with others.
She holds a master degree so I checked the numbers on how much of the population holds a master.

But than she starts complaining that she might hold the degree, but it was a wrong choice that she made, and did not even liked what she studied.

So in short, I don't know what works, but proving it objectively doesn't :-)
If you find out, I cant wait to hear.

[AlwaysMean]

Thank you CatFamiliar,

I will practice the suggestion prior to routine happening again. I maybe daydreaming but I think I tried that before and things got awkwardly quiet. That doesn't mean give up because I think you are on to something.  You have been very helpful.

[AlwaysMean]

That resonates so much.
...
My GF is also suffering from a paralyzing low self esteem.
So in short, I don't know what works, but proving it objectively doesn't :-)
If you find out, I cant wait to hear.

Hi Tom,

Yes, I think paralyzing is good word to describe it. I never thought about the routine like that before. We will be in touch if I something that works.

[AlwaysMean]

He is getting something out of this, your reassurance, and if you are tired of the game, you could merely say, “That must feel bad to think that about yourself.” You could rephrase this in a number of ways if he continues.

That ended me up in odd place. He is trying to prove a point to me.
He says, "I need you to realize that you don't like me,  I know you love me but I need you to know that you don't like me."
Which, actually didn't surprise me. Being that he thinks most people don't like him and feels he has to do most things with in his own family without help from friends or his community.

Why does one try to tell another person how they feel? I wonder if he knows he is telling me how I should feel instead of letting me decide on my own?

[Cat Familiar]

Perhaps there’s a grain of truth in that. Certainly you don’t like some of the things he does. At least he knows you love him.