I'm taking news of his new gf better than expected - sign of detachment?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Just been told by exH that he's been seeing someone else for a few weeks and kids are to meet her tomorrow.  Strangely calm about this news.  Could feel a physical reaction as he told me but it didn't last.  I am not weeping mascara all over my pillow.

We divorced last year so it's not really my business but we got back together after divorce (there's a history of recycling and I know I'm a big part of this) and were reconciled for about 6 months.  I don't know exactly when we split up again - classic BPD case of a wonderful time together and then... zilch communication.  But by my reckoning, he was in a relationship again within 8 weeks.  I don't think he has ever been out of a relationship for more than 8 weeks.

Part of the recycling history is that he gets into a relationship with one particular person.  Not this time.  So I'm wondering if I am calm because this means that we're at a different stage.  That he has broken the pattern of the other woman being the same woman so perhaps he's really moved on.  I can't say I'm overjoyed about his news but I have a sense tonight that I am relieved.  That this time, he won't attempt a reconciliation so I will have the space and time to recover and really work on myself.  I've been doing a better job of detaching this time (we need some contact because of children).

We'll see.  He's told me about her because she's to meet our children tomorrow.  This happened with the previous on/off gf - kids met her within a couple of weeks - but this time the children are older and not surprised by anything any more. Their dad is going through a tough time just now with the illness of a close family member so they don't want him to be alone.

I hope the feeling of calm lasts.  I have an interview next week and I don't want to start analysing all this instead of preparing.  I have been trying to leave current job for some time so have had a few interviews and something always happens just as I need to be at the top of my game. 

Mind you, something always happens all the time!

[clairedair]

Just been told by exH that he's been seeing someone else for a few weeks and kids are to meet her tomorrow.  Strangely calm about this news.  Could feel a physical reaction as he told me but it didn't last.  I am not weeping mascara all over my pillow.

We divorced last year so it's not really my business but we got back together after divorce (there's a history of recycling and I know I'm a big part of this) and were reconciled for about 6 months.  I don't know exactly when we split up again - classic BPD case of a wonderful time together and then... zilch communication.  But by my reckoning, he was in a relationship again within 8 weeks.  I don't think he has ever been out of a relationship for more than 8 weeks.

Part of the recycling history is that he gets into a relationship with one particular person.  Not this time.  So I'm wondering if I am calm because this means that we're at a different stage.  That he has broken the pattern of the other woman being the same woman so perhaps he's really moved on.  I can't say I'm overjoyed about his news but I have a sense tonight that I am relieved.  That this time, he won't attempt a reconciliation so I will have the space and time to recover and really work on myself.  I've been doing a better job of detaching this time (we need some contact because of children).

We'll see.  He's told me about her because she's to meet our children tomorrow.  This happened with the previous on/off gf - kids met her within a couple of weeks - but this time the children are older and not surprised by anything any more. Their dad is going through a tough time just now with the illness of a close family member so they don't want him to be alone.

I hope the feeling of calm lasts.  I have an interview next week and I don't want to start analysing all this instead of preparing.  I have been trying to leave current job for some time so have had a few interviews and something always happens just as I need to be at the top of my game. 

Mind you, something always happens all the time!

[Rose Tiger]

That's wonderful that you are feeling peaceful, if we could bottle the ability to stay calm no matter what we are being hit with in the present moment.  I guess that is what mindfullness is all about, staying centered in a storm.  Focus on priorities and things in your control, let the rest go.

There are lots of great sites to help prep for an interview.  Questions and that sort of thing.  I would get the interviewer talking by asking how long they been there, what do they like about it and copy their body language. 

How are you doing today?

[clairedair]

Hi Rose Tiger

many thanks for the response.  I had a reasonable weekend including some time with extended family that I was able to enjoy.  In the past, I've gone to these events and felt quite stressed or overwhelmed with sadness and had to hide somewhere for a while but I was fully present and not pretending.

However, I have not slept well and questions and thoughts and emotions (like anger, confusion and sadness) are creeping back.  It's like my head is doing a pretty good job of keeping everything in perspective and being mindful but something deep is still disturbed.  I am struggling today but I think a lot of that is to do with the lack of sleep and dreams.

Thanks for the tips about interviews - I did manage to look at some stuff over the weekend but I wasn't concentrating very well.  I am so angry with myself that I am allowing his chaos to stretch its tentacles into my space again.  He wasn't to know about the interview this week so it's not as if he did this to deliberately derail me but things like this happen so often that I never seem to be able to build up slowly to a point where I'm free.

I am very upset about his father's illness as I am still close to him so it impacts me and I am also trying to look after my children as they are anxious about their grandfather.  I'm mad that he chose to introduce the new gf within a week of telling kids that their grandpa may be terminally ill but I am guessing that he's shattered by the news and trying to play happy families will ease the pain a little.

I am also struggling to work out my priorities.  For example, one of my priorities is getting this job and to do that, I need to block out his actions as much as possible.  But my children are my top priority and I feel guilty that I did not ask them how their meeting with new gf had gone.  The youngest started talking about it last night but then immediately said he wouldn't say any more because he didn't want me upset (he wasn't saying positive things but he was aware that any mention of his Dad/gf wasn't going to thrill me).  I said he could tell me if he really wanted to but he didn't say any more.  I haven't shown any distress but they are not stupid!  I think they are OK because they are teenagers, they know that their father is impulsive and they are probably happier if he's happy but I don't know whether I'm just assuming this so I don't have to listen to anything upsetting.  They all knew about the gf before Xmas and didn't tell me.  I feel so sorry for them that they wanted to protect me and haven't been able to say anything all this time.

Bottom line is we were separated - he never cheated.  But why does it feel as if he did?

I'm starting to feel stupid - not a good thing when I'm supposed to be full of confidence for interview!