Its so Painful she seems so happy now

[freshlySane]

She cheated on me left me recycled idealized me devalued me physically assaulted me with held sex berated me made me feel crazy stole money was a contribution to my everyday stress i lost my job for her most of my friends and almost my immediate family . she is with another man dating him while we was breaking apart slowly and now she is thriving happy content ...

i read treatment is highly unlikely then some websites say it is likely has this guy been the key to her success all along i mean she blames me for everything that went wrong in her life. Things i had no control or things that happen before me but her new found success is solidifying her stance that

i am Satan himself and that i was this bad luck holding her back when she was the parasite in my life its so hurtful and frustrating i want her to have the best but what about me she wins and im left picking up myself. wheres my reward for trying to love her and be a better man for her and her three kids   

[freshlySane]

i am literally brought to tears i suffer the external emotional abuse and i end up alone and broke and depressed and now she is happy making her life finally work

[Newton]

freshlysane ... .  I'm sorry to hear what a traumatic experience you had in this relationship.  

The key word that leapt out from your thread title was "seems"... .  

If she has untreated BPD traits then this new partner is currently being idealized... .  just as you were.  This situation is an illusion... .  the cycle will repeat itself.

I appreciate that knowledge won't do much to ease your pain right now... .  it's important to realise that the very nature of the illness means that the closer she gets to this guy... .  the harder she will push him away  

Many of us here believe we are better people as the result of an encounter with BPD... .  that is our reward... .  it provides us with an opportunity for introspection... .  to work out why we were willing to sacrifice so much of ourselves for another person.

[freshlySane]

freshlysane ... .  I'm sorry to hear what a traumatic experience you had in this relationship.  

The key word that leapt out from your thread title was "seems"... .  

If she has untreated BPD traits then this new partner is currently being idealized... .  just as you were.  This situation is an illusion... .  the cycle will repeat itself.

I appreciate that knowledge won't do much to ease your pain right now... .  it's important to realise that the very nature of the illness means that the closer she gets to this guy... .  the harder she will push him away  

Many of us here believe we are better people as the result of an encounter with BPD... .  that is our reward... .  it provides us with an opportunity for introspection... .  to work out why we were willing to sacrifice so much of ourselves for another person.

i try to tell  myself this but its been months and she is doing great and i am happy for her she is finally doing good at work she has a place to live money that is hers and a guy who loves her and who she says she loves back

but it just makes me feel like i was the problem after all. I know i don't think of myself as anything special and i think i'm a huge screw up so maybe this is my internal pain churning and me beating myself up. We where together 3 years on and off and mow she has this long distance relationship with some guy who she met online and it clicks she told me because he is in the Marines he is so encouraging so much more loving he is so much more strong for her and i was just this sad, lonely, depressed, loser who just complained about everything and how i made life for her unbearable.

All the while i ran crazy trying to make her happy the kids loved me each one of them and when i was with them it was the time of our lives i use to love to help them with home work i loved being a dad but when shed come home and i didn't jump for joy that she was home she'd get mad and storm off it was a horror the amount of times she stormed off and i always took the blame .  My family and friends would praise me for being with her she is 28 with three kids was living in horrible circumstances and i gave her everything i could and she leaves me for a guy 24yrs old halfway across the country who she met online.

[Newton]

I know how difficult it is not to beat ourselves up with the "what else could I have done"... .  lots of us spent far too much doing that during the relationship... .  let alone afterwards 

It sounds like you have put a monumental effort into improving her life... .  and she has betrayed you and thrown it back in your face... .  what does that show you about the kind of person she is right now?  (remember, BPD is a personality disorder)... .  

The long distance relationship she is now pursuing will not trigger her engulfment fears... .  yet... .  until they see each other more regularly... .  and if she has cheated in the past... .  the set up will give her the opportunity to do it again... .  

It's important to get as much support for yourself right now... .  here, friends and family.  It may take longer for her issues to manifest themselves in her current situation... .  but if she is untreated... .  they will.

My friend, I can hear how much pain this is causing you... .  there is no more you could of done.  The problem was her illness... .  not you.

[freshlySane]

I know how difficult it is not to beat ourselves up with the "what else could I have done"... .  lots of us spent far too much doing that during the relationship... .  let alone afterwards 

It sounds like you have put a monumental effort into improving her life... .  and she has betrayed you and thrown it back in your face... .  what does that show you about the kind of person she is right now?  (remember, BPD is a personality disorder)... .  

The long distance relationship she is now pursuing will not trigger her engulfment fears... .  yet... .  until they see each other more regularly... .  and if she has cheated in the past... .  the set up will give her the opportunity to do it again... .  

It's important to get as much support for yourself right now... .  here, friends and family.  It may take longer for her issues to manifest themselves in her current situation... .  but if she is untreated... .  they will.

My friend, I can hear how much pain this is causing you... .  there is no more you could of done.  The problem was her illness... .  not you.

Thank you for those words i am so glad i found this website for months i suffered in silence

[real lady]

((freshlySane)) imho, you are beating yourself up about her and SHE is not the issue here really. YOU are... .  how are YOU doing? is the only question that you need to focus on right now. << She is having a long distance relationship and is very happy.>>

That should SAY IT ALL... .  she will be AS miserable as she was with you AGAIN with any man UNTIL SHE REALIZES that she needs to heal from "disordered thinking" and emotional illness.

She cheated on me left me recycled idealized me devalued me physically assaulted me with held sex berated me made me feel crazy stole money was a contribution to my everyday stress i lost my job for her most of my friends and almost my immediate family . she is with another man dating him while we was breaking apart slowly and now she is thriving happy content .

.

You know, if you LOOK BACK ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP with her, she might have been VERY happy doing all those things TO you and was upset that you didn't "take them" and be controlled by her. You said "I am done, that is enough." what any "freshly Sane" man or woman would decide if they were in the same relationship.

I'm sorry that you are still hurting over her... .  it is hard to "break ties" once they are formed, that is it is hard for us NONS to realize that we had an UNHEALTHY attachment to a very mentally sick person.

Whether she is "happy" now may not be what you really want to spend your time focusing on... .  that YOU are happy NOW is... .  She has to deal with the consequences of her behavior and your happiness is YOURS not hers to control.  I wish you well... .  

[freshlySane]

((freshlySane)) imho, you are beating yourself up about her and SHE is not the issue here really. YOU are... .  how are YOU doing? is the only question that you need to focus on right now. << She is having a long distance relationship and is very happy.>>

That should SAY IT ALL... .  she will be AS miserable as she was with you AGAIN with any man UNTIL SHE REALIZES that she needs to heal from "disordered thinking" and emotional illness.

She cheated on me left me recycled idealized me devalued me physically assaulted me with held sex berated me made me feel crazy stole money was a contribution to my everyday stress i lost my job for her most of my friends and almost my immediate family . she is with another man dating him while we was breaking apart slowly and now she is thriving happy content .

.

You know, if you LOOK BACK ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP with her, she might have been VERY happy doing all those things TO you and was upset that you didn't "take them" and be controlled by her. You said "I am done, that is enough!" what any "freshly Sane" man or woman would decide if they were in the same relationship.

I'm sorry that you are still hurting over her... .  it is hard to "break ties" once they are formed, that is it is hard for us NONS to realize that we had an UNHEALTHY attachment to a very mentally sick person.

Whether she is "happy" now may not be what you really want to spend your time focusing on... .  that YOU are happy NOW is... .  She has to deal with the consequences of her behavior and your happiness is YOURS not hers to control.  I wish you well... .  

Your absolutely right my issue needs to be me i have a friend a very good friend he always tell me to not care about her and be happy with me that i stayed with  her because i needed her as well to validate me with her idealizing i

in all i am too probably in some form of sick mentality too. i never had someone want me love me soo much it felt like i found the one  it was toxic because we both got some selfish self nurturing effect form the relationship. but i realized early that this was not right

she left me when i told her "WHO THE F*** WOULD WANT TO BE WITH HER" . This was  after she sat there and tried to call me abusive and hurtful and insensitive and all manor of things she built me up that the morning telling me how much she loves me and how much she was sorry for pushing me away for all those years and how she is ready to love me and that night because demean because i did n't give her the attention she wanted  i didn't text her as actively as she was texting me

she broke me down when i was trying to figure out what was wrong my friends tell me i didn't say anything wrong but somehow i regret telling her that. I pray and hope i can realize i did the right thing for me even if it hurt her because i was finally starting to wake up slowly 

[freshlySane]

i am realizing that being a non whether in or out the r/s has to have alot of empathy understanding and tolerance it takes alot out of me not to hate her but i cant feel fully sad for her its my own sick cycle that i need ot let go

[Somewhere]

How 'bout we start we the positives?

#1.  She is gone.  Gone.  Thank you, amen, Thank you, Gone.

Means no more dumping on you. 

You have been used (severely) by a total user. 

Whether you consider the use like a toilet or garbage can -- she USED you to dump all HER Crap on, in and at.

BUT now . . . she is gone.

So having dumped her crap, of course she is happy.  For now.   But consider where HER Crap came from . . . her.   She will be making more.  Lots more.  It is what they do.  Keep yourself WAY Clear, and she will be dumping the next Crap Load on someone else.

Seem to remember some old "Country" tune -- "Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone" . . .  sing along.   

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx8x3LCnYZw

[freshlySane]

How 'bout we start we the positives?

#1.  She is gone.  Gone.  Thank you, amen, Thank you, Gone.

Means no more dumping on you. 

You have been used (severely) by a total user. 

Whether you consider the use like a toilet or garbage can -- she USED you to dump all HER Crap on, in and at.

BUT now . . . she is gone.

So having dumped her crap, of course she is happy.  For now.   But consider where HER Crap came from . . . her.   She will be making more.  Lots more.  It is what they do.  Keep yourself WAY Clear, and she will be dumping the next Crap Load on someone else.

Seem to remember some old "Country" tune -- "Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone" . . .  sing along.   

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx8x3LCnYZw

that made me smile thanks for the song ... i didn't think of it that way shes happy because she believes all her worries is over as if i as a person was the center control of her issues but no one is another persons mental responsibility ... .  i am going to use this song as my way of staying permanent NC from her by listening to it when i think of her 

[Somewhere]

Well, if it is any comfort, she will likely pull some of this crap on Jr. Marine, and he will beat the crap out of her.

Water finds its own level.

Do the kids have any safe / sane home to go to?

Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles, etc.?

[freshlySane]

Well, if it is any comfort, she will likely pull some of this crap on Jr. Marine, and he will beat the crap out of her.

Water finds its own level.

Do the kids have any safe / sane home to go to?

Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles, etc.?

grandma maybe but the grandma cut her off couldn't take her anymore she has a brother he is a nice guy family man went to similar trauma as a kid like her but grew up sane probably with them but that's not my place anymore to say

[freshlySane]

Well, if it is any comfort, she will likely pull some of this crap on Jr. Marine, and he will beat the crap out of her.

Water finds its own level.

Do the kids have any safe / sane home to go to?

Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles, etc.?

i hope she doesn't i hope he learns quick and save himself she doesn't need more trauma she needs help ... i hate that i still love her

[freshlySane]

sorry i meant i hope he doesn't hit her because she will just go deeper in the rabbit hole and i don't want to see her hurt at all.

[Somewhere]

sorry i meant i hope he doesn't hit her because she will just go deeper in the rabbit hole and i don't want to see her hurt at all.

Of course.  That was just some dark humor on my part.  I should have put some smiley faces, etc. on that.

But I was a troop leader for a few years.  Seen a fair amount of that outcome in these situations.  But like you said -- not your problem, now. 

Keep in mind, while she dumped on you, she took all the problems with her.  Means more crap ahead -- but just not for you.  btw -- DO NOT EVEN THINK about taking her back when this crashes.

Maybe just send a note of concern to the grandma and brother -- no drama, absolutely no drama, no details -- just saying that you have observed problems and issues where they may called on to help the kids.  That way they can have some preps or considerations of what may be coming their way.

[freshlySane]

Thank you i love the kids and was always there for them that was the hardest part trying to get over 4 people at once sounds crazy but i'm going to learn from this website and better me and if she does come back i want to get to  a place of serenity where i don't emotional go back to her where i can impart wisdom and leave with my mind sanity and heart intact