Their obsession with our new lives.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It seems that most experiences post breakup are of the BPDex moving on with another partner almost immediately. In my case this hasn't been true, although i wish it were because I would find it easier to move on.

My ex is obsessed with me seeing someone. Asks me frequently if I am and talks about how sad it makes her that I eventually will. We broke up in the late spring and I find it frankly surprising that she is still doing this, as I haven't seen her since I moved out months ago (although she has tied multiple times to convince me to visit her, I know I CANNOT cave). It's maddening because she literally bulldozed though my life. I had to move across the country back with family and no job because I had nowhere to go when we broke up. I am putting the pieces back together but just barely, and somehow she seems to think my life is a walk in the park.

Anyone have similar experiences, and how do you deal with it? I'd like to maintain LC if possible, but when I don't contact her, that's when she starts with the "are you seeing someone" crap that's none of her business.

[purpleavocado]

It seems that most experiences post breakup are of the BPDex moving on with another partner almost immediately. In my case this hasn't been true, although i wish it were because I would find it easier to move on.

My ex is obsessed with me seeing someone. Asks me frequently if I am and talks about how sad it makes her that I eventually will. We broke up in the late spring and I find it frankly surprising that she is still doing this, as I haven't seen her since I moved out months ago (although she has tied multiple times to convince me to visit her, I know I CANNOT cave). It's maddening because she literally bulldozed though my life. I had to move across the country back with family and no job because I had nowhere to go when we broke up. I am putting the pieces back together but just barely, and somehow she seems to think my life is a walk in the park.

Anyone have similar experiences, and how do you deal with it? I'd like to maintain LC if possible, but when I don't contact her, that's when she starts with the "are you seeing someone" crap that's none of her business.

[snappafcw]

My situation is different. Since I pointed her out on how she was behaving and how I didn't appreciate it (post breakup) I have hardly heard from her since as she would rather run away and start over than admit fault. The strange thing Is even though I have barely heard from her in 6 months she has sent 1 informal txt as well as strange profiles adding me and talking to me on facebook ect... .If she can't handle what happened and doesn't want me in her life anymore I don't understand why she still stalks... .

Not logical = BPD

[Clearmind]

Comparing your new partner/potential partner with herself – BPD is a shame based disorder – comparing is common.

We do the same thing. We compare ourselves to our BPDex's new partner and wonder why they seem happy.

How do you deal with it? How does she know about your new life?

[thisyoungdad]

Interesting you brought this up. I was convinced my ex was seeing someone new. She may have been. Or she may have just had a friends with benefits. Lately though I am seriously under the impression she is single... again or still. Well my best friend happens to be a woman I have actually known longer then my ex. She happens to be going through a similar situation except it is her ex husband. Well recently it came out to my ex that this friend picks my daughter up every thursday for me from daycare because I can't get home in time and then her son and my daughter play and they all have dinner. Wow did the ex get upset about this. Like she was jealous. It was the first time I had seen anything like that. So I am going to be curious how she reacts when I start to date again.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

I had an odd break-up - my ex-bf broke up with me in May, but every time I said, "ok, so we're now just friends, I still love you, I'll always love you and there won't be anyone else for me, but I accept we can't be together", he went to great lengths to convince me I'd misunderstood, that wasn't what he meant, he still loves me, he just can't handle a relationship with anyone right now... .then over the next 4 months he flew to my Replacement's home in another country twice, but kept insisting it didn't change how he cared about me, he still loves me, there is only me, he isn't seeing anyone, etc.

So - he worked very hard to prevent me moving on, to stop me accepting that we would now be just friends. When I finally lost my temper and got angry for the first time in my life, he turned hostile and most recently told me he doesn't find me attractive and never did, and that I smell... .

Anyway - yes, he is obsessed with my new life, I think.

Because he clearly couldn't let go of me. He had my Replacement all set up by June, and yet he kept on refusing to let me go. He gaslighted all summer to convince me I had got it wrong, I'd misinterpreted, etc., etc... .

For whatever reasons, having me sit at a distance and love him devotedly while he is in a new relationship wasn't acceptable to him. For some reason, his need was to have me far closer emotionally, he needs to possess my full-on love, he needs to feel "ownership" of my complete love for him.

Given that, I should think he is now the one poring over Facebook. I generally am staying on my own Wall, but make 1-2 comments a week on some mutual friends' Wall, and have noticed that the replies from others have been 'liked' by my ex. I blocked him, so can't read any comments, but he clearly knows where I have been.

For a long time I went searching each day, looking for signs of his activity online - but not since Sept 30th when I got angry. But in passing, I've noticed that signs of him crop up very very fast each time someone's replied to me.

So yeah - he's trying to watch me... .trying to find out, I think, whether I've moved on, maybe? Still needing to possess me... .

[purpleavocado]

My situation is different. Since I pointed her out on how she was behaving and how I didn't appreciate it (post breakup) I have hardly heard from her since as she would rather run away and start over than admit fault. The strange thing Is even though I have barely heard from her in 6 months she has sent 1 informal txt as well as strange profiles adding me and talking to me on facebook ect... .If she can't handle what happened and doesn't want me in her life anymore I don't understand why she still stalks... .

Not logical = BPD

I think it's different overall but a lot of relationships with a BPD partner have similar themes. My ex was also horrible at admitting fault, although sometimes she does- it seems to be followed by much emotional turmoil; as we know, guilt is a shameful emotion, and it's probably much worse for people with BPD. Strange that your ex still stalks you online but unsurprising, that also seems to be a theme among many here... .

I hope you are healing well.

[purpleavocado]

Comparing your new partner/potential partner with herself – BPD is a shame based disorder – comparing is common.

We do the same thing. We compare ourselves to our BPDex's new partner and wonder why they seem happy.

How do you deal with it? How does she know about your new life?

Hmm, is there a way to multi quote in one post? I don't want to clutter up a thread but I can't figure out how to get all of this on one!

I hadn't really thought of the correlation between comparison and shame, but that really makes a lot of sense. Thank you for shedding that light.

I have kept in touch with her mostly through text, honestly. And I admittedly feel better when I limit that contact, but it's when I do that that she starts with the questions. I know the logical answer is to tell her that it's none of her business but I haven't gotten there yet. I don't want to hurt her, even after all she's done to me. I recognize that her disorder is what has caused most of the demise of our relationship and honestly I feel sorry for her because it seems that much of the time she is lucid and sometimes even remorseful. I just don't see her as a 'bad person' and have trouble cutting people out (an obvious boundary issue on my part)

[purpleavocado]

Interesting you brought this up. I was convinced my ex was seeing someone new. She may have been. Or she may have just had a friends with benefits. Lately though I am seriously under the impression she is single... again or still. Well my best friend happens to be a woman I have actually known longer then my ex. She happens to be going through a similar situation except it is her ex husband. Well recently it came out to my ex that this friend picks my daughter up every thursday for me from daycare because I can't get home in time and then her son and my daughter play and they all have dinner. Wow did the ex get upset about this. Like she was jealous. It was the first time I had seen anything like that. So I am going to be curious how she reacts when I start to date again.

Hmmm, that is curious. She never displayed any jealous tendencies in your relationship? Most of my ex's rages were triggered by jealousy and/or a very warped, sensationalized perception of me cheating on her (completely ignoring the fact that she ignored me as much as possible for the last year and a half of our relationship).

Do you feel that you're close to ready to date? I cannot fathom trying again at this point but it's not like I want to be on my own forever. Just curious where you are in that process.

[purpleavocado]

I had an odd break-up - my ex-bf broke up with me in May, but every time I said, "ok, so we're now just friends, I still love you, I'll always love you and there won't be anyone else for me, but I accept we can't be together", he went to great lengths to convince me I'd misunderstood, that wasn't what he meant, he still loves me, he just can't handle a relationship with anyone right now... .then over the next 4 months he flew to my Replacement's home in another country twice, but kept insisting it didn't change how he cared about me, he still loves me, there is only me, he isn't seeing anyone, etc.

So - he worked very hard to prevent me moving on, to stop me accepting that we would now be just friends. When I finally lost my temper and got angry for the first time in my life, he turned hostile and most recently told me he doesn't find me attractive and never did, and that I smell... .

Anyway - yes, he is obsessed with my new life, I think.

Because he clearly couldn't let go of me. He had my Replacement all set up by June, and yet he kept on refusing to let me go. He gaslighted all summer to convince me I had got it wrong, I'd misinterpreted, etc., etc... .

For whatever reasons, having me sit at a distance and love him devotedly while he is in a new relationship wasn't acceptable to him. For some reason, his need was to have me far closer emotionally, he needs to possess my full-on love, he needs to feel "ownership" of my complete love for him.

Given that, I should think he is now the one poring over Facebook. I generally am staying on my own Wall, but make 1-2 comments a week on some mutual friends' Wall, and have noticed that the replies from others have been 'liked' by my ex. I blocked him, so can't read any comments, but he clearly knows where I have been.

For a long time I went searching each day, looking for signs of his activity online - but not since Sept 30th when I got angry. But in passing, I've noticed that signs of him crop up very very fast each time someone's replied to me.

So yeah - he's trying to watch me... .trying to find out, I think, whether I've moved on, maybe? Still needing to possess me... .

I am so glad that you've gotten out of that situation, and I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I can really relate- especially to the bolded sections- although my ex is female, there was a year and a half of hand wringing before she finally admitted that I was right, she wasn't in love with me anymore, and she used me emotionally.

I'm glad that you've blocked your ex on social media- that is a huge step.

[Ironmanrises]

Their obsession... .

With our new lives... .

Is the stalking behavior... .

That is exhibited... .

And part of the disorder itself.

My exUBPDgf... .

After she left me first time... .

Stalked me... .

On facebook/instagram... .

In the 3 months of NC.

I had no idea at the time she was doing this.

Until she returned.

And showed me.

After she left me the second time... .

I closed both social media accounts... .

Permanently.

Now she cannot stalk me via that.

I wouldnt put it past her... .

If she was googling my name.

It was what they do... .

Even when you think... .

They are not.

Behavior remains constant.

[Clearmind]

anad4747, while you are in contact, which is fine by the way, we also need to accept that they will ask questions. If she was in a relationship its possible you may do the same.

However you are right, sometimes we just need answers to the "but why does he/she do that". And sometimes we need to inject some logic into an illogical sitation. When we think about their actions we can remind ourselves of a few things:

1. BPD is a shame disorder - folks do illogical things when their minds are steeped in shame and none of it has to do with you or your actions

2. Let go of self-blame

3. Use this time to develop boundaries where probably none existed before

4. Find out the reasons why you got into a toxic relationship - because the answers do not lie with her they lie within you.

All the best and these answers come in good timing!

[purpleavocado]

Thank you, IronMan and Clearmind. I am trying to remind myself daily that behavior indeed remains constant, and even when she acts like the charming person I met years ago, she is also the disordered person who caused me tears and grief like I've never felt. I had one semi-recycle one year before we split for good and I'm determined to not let that happen again, because everything just returns to the way it was and gets worse from there. I know NC is really the way to go...

[thisyoungdad]

anad4747

No she never expressed any jealous rages in our relationship. She did however express a pretty constant fear/insecurity that I was going to run off with a younger woman. We are 13 years apart and when we met I was just barely 25 and she was 38. So she was always afraid because women have always been attracted to me, I think my personality. I am just outgoing and friendly to pretty much everyone and I don't even realize it. And women would see how I was bringing her flowers home weekly or doing other loving gestures and make comments like they wished their man did those things. Instead of being flattered that women were jealous that she had an incredible partner, she appreciated the gestures but felt incredibly insecure. So I think that for her it is possibly that my friend is in her eyes a better fit for me. She was also always saying she didn't think we were a good fit for each or various other comments suggesting she was afraid I was going to abandon her. I do find it curious though.

As far as dating, it was about 13 months ago she left originally but then came back and we were supposedly working on things until right before Thanksgiving. That is when she announced she wanted a divorce, 2 days after telling me in couple's therapy she thought we should live together again. Our couple's therapist was shocked by that whole thing. So technically as far as that is concerned it hasn't been a year yet and our 2nd anniversary would be next Wed. the 17th. I have gone on a few dates, but it never feels right so it never is more than one. A small part of me feels lonely and misses having a partner but a bigger part isn't so sure i am ready to date anyone yet. I think I still have a ways to go before I can really adequately give any energy to dating.