out/still in? BPD ruined my marriage?

[Rioam]

 Wow, so, how to start. quick snippet of the End: my wife is leaving me for my ex/ her current BPD lover? Trying to take the kids with her too.

How it started.

I'm 31 and my wife of 10 years is 29. Earlier this year we got it in our heads to try a threesome. We found this sweet girl online, age 28, mother of a 2yr old and in an 'abusive' relationship. we take her camping for a week and both of us are instantly sympathetic and attracted to her. We want to help. I have a garage that was converted to a living space some time before we bought it. I'll be landlord, and she can stay there.

well when the threesome occurred, there was alot of emotions involved. My wife got upset and I think I fell in love with the 3rd. I think? Anyway, there was something that kinda triggered off in me.

later our first ginormous conflict happened. 3rd was always finding small things I do to upset her and I'd have to fix it. But finally she cracked on the wife. Had my wife broken down to nothing. Scared the crap outta me. Ever since then I've been very observant and tentative in how I interact with 3rd.

BTW. 3rd admitted early that camping week that she was diagnosed BPD. I had NO idea what it was.

3rd. could sense something not right. The cycles with me started getting tighter. Wife got caught in most of the swings, but got the majority of the idealization. She rarely sees the manipulation and pain I'm put through by the constant push/pull.

I keep trying to work on the relationship for Wife, as she profess' deep love for her. More than me at times I guess. So I validated the invalid, lied, and smiled for months.

Finally the bubble popped. I jumped off the carousel. It was dragging my two kids through hell. She's verbally abusive, a drug addict (and introducing my wife to that world), and totally unstable. I need away. I found this site at THE EXACT same time. I don't think I would have believed half of what I've read, had I not lived through it.

I posted a notice on her door, but she moved into a rotating schedule of hotel rooms 3days ago. my wife just grabbed the kids today for a "visit" but now they're staying with those two for a week? My wife loves me, has said so, but loves 3rd and cant leave her. Shes been kicked out already one night, and crawled into bed with me. But went right back to 3rd asap. now second night with no wife. she will not read these posts, and see the cycle, and recognize that the three/four times shes been ripped into are minor now that I'm not there to catch the brunt of it. I just hope this cycle pops quickly so I can snatch my family back!

I can go into more detail later, but the pain is still too fresh.

[Mutt]

Hi Rioam,

I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry for what you are going through. You feel frustrated, confused and hurt with the introduction of a complex and difficult disorder in your life. You have a lot going on.  Many of our members arrive with much to get off their chests, I can relate.

I'm happy that you have found us. Our members can offer guidance and support.

3rd. could sense something not right. The cycles with me started getting tighter. Wife got caught in most of the swings, but got the majority of the idealization. She rarely sees the manipulation and pain I'm put through by the constant push/pull.

It sounds like the pwBPD in your life is splitting. One person ( split good ) and the other ( split bad ) the push / pull you describe is like walking on eggshells. One day you may be put on a pedestal, the next your met with vitriol and confused as to what you may if done to trigger this polarized response.

Have I got that right? It's possible and I could be wrong that your W is being idealized. Here's a snippet from our article How A Borderline Relationship Evolves.

Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

At first, a Borderline female (or male) may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor. In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she portrays herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotions advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her".

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you. Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.

Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.

It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is in her mind it is not what you perceive to be happening.

Sounds like powerful stuff? I've experienced this.

Your SO knows she's BPD when the person said she's BPD?

She's been gone two days? Have you heard from her? What was the motivation to find a third person? Romance? I ask because your W has been gone for a couple of days and it telegraphs  a  

I'm sorry to hear that. It's tough  I've been there.

[Rioam]

Thank you. Very frustrated. Hurt.

I would agree with the splitting. Past relationships with men were a reason given to me as to why I catch the brunt of it all. I'm always the one who triggers it, tho I've been working on my validation, I can't make it right. W steps in and smooths some ridges, allowing me to put in crazy effort to calm pwBPD.

The Idealization can include both of us, but I get the majority of the devaluation, and then we both catch the discard. W swears shes in love, and faults me for not trying hard enough. Says my breaking point is set too low. I'm just tired of somehow ALWAYS screwing something up. Usually through a backhand comment, or I didn't put enough effort into her somehow.

And yes, pwBPD told us both early that she was diagnosed. Was in DBT back home (mn) but cant find a program in CO to help. Warned us a little that it wouldn't be easy, and she was very broken. Probably what hooked my co-dependent W. I never knew it would get like this.

I've seen 'flashbacks' and nervous breakdowns aplenty in my 6mos. Shes cut herself three, four times. Threatened suicide once. Seen her rise and fall five or six times trying to get sober.

PwBPD was in a car accident Friday and now has access to pills. This was an issue for her in the past, and I'm very much sure shes abusing again. She called last night so I could speak with my kids (and rub it in my face that my W loves her more and that they will be getting joint custody of my kids, then proceeded to tell me how good we can be, then right back to how much better it is to just have my wife... .:/ ) and repeated herself about things 3 times or more. Kept getting distracted and generally out there in mindset. My wife was "passed out" so that's a little scary. Turns out pwBPD cracked into her phone and fb account and saw everything I was telling Wife. Wasn't pleased there.

motivation for this all was... .Wife is a redhead and wanted a little freaky, and I... .what guy would say no? Was only supposed to be a short term once, twice thing!

Granted... .We've had our ups and downs. Our marriage is a thing that grew from some pretty bad places. I'm Bipolar with irritable mania and was not being treated for a long time. Infact, I switched doc. not too long ago and went through a period where I was not regulated... .Untreated Bipolar in house with BPD= hell on earth. Tho it did help be begin to detach, as I was constantly irritated by pwBPD.

A good friend of my W and someone whom is "Auntie" to my kids is encouraging me to issue an "Amber Alert" and rescue my kids. She says the volatile nature of pwBPD is a Danger. I managed to dodge that and have decided to turn in paperwork for legal separation from my wife, and speak to an advocate about a protection order for my kids against pwBPD. With the availability of pills, I'm sure she won't break down my W. soon, and I'm sure the kids will have a great time while shes like this, but come time for the end of a cycle... .I want my kids gone.

[Rioam]

so I screwed up. I filed the paperwork for the separation, BEFORE I put in for a protection order. Just lost 100 bucks to get told that its a domestic case now. SON OF A *****. So apparently her verbally abusive, controlling and manipulation aren't enough of a traumatic cause for concern to a judge. Lets see how well my wife hangs in there. I hate wishing this on her, but I hope a cycle closes soon. And hard.

[Mutt]

Hi Rioam,

W swears shes in love, and faults me for not trying hard enough.

I'm sorry Rioam. This is going to be trouble.

I never knew it would get like this.

Don't be hard on yourself. When I met my wife ( undiagnosed ) I never could of conjured the difficulties. That said, I didn't  know about BPD until after the r/s and never did mental illness come to mind.

BPD is a serious disorder.

motivation for this all was... .Wife is a redhead and wanted a little freaky, and I... .what guy would say no? Was only supposed to be a short term once, twice thing!

It could happen to anyone.

You're in a Karpmann Drama Triangle. 3 people makes a triangle and your in the position of "Persecutor". Both are saying your the "bad guy" and when your triangulated it's tough. I can relate. Myself, ex and her bf. Bf is always in the "Rescuer" pivot and I'm "Persecutor" which is what your in now. The best way to deal with this is do nothing. If they denigrate, goad, attack the best way to react is non-reactionary.

Karpman drama triangle

I filed the paperwork for the separation, BEFORE I put in for a protection order. Just lost 100 bucks to get told that its a domestic case now. SON OF A *****. So apparently her verbally abusive, controlling and manipulation aren't enough of a traumatic cause for concern to a judge.

I think that you're on the right track. Do you have a L? Or you filed yourself?

If your W is saying she's in love and your triangulated. I think the best course of action is to get a L.

Put the kids first.

Get a child custody order and start divorce proceedings. As far as the PO. You may want to talk to the members on the Legal board. I've been to court against my undiagnosed ex.

Going to court and saying the other person is mentally ill isn't wise. She's diagnosed which is good and she's not the legal parent of your children. She's a girlfriend to your wife.

I was angry my ex introduced her boyfriend she was having an affair with 3 weeks after she had moved out. He was having overnight visits. The judicial system ( up here in Canada ) doesn't care about that. It may be different State to State.

I went to court many times and waited outside the courtroom before it was in session ( family court ) and watched exes say things about their exes and accusing them. He's an alcoholic, she's a drug addict, he / she's crazy! etc and the emotional attachment that the people had was unreal to me. I'm sorry, courts don't care about personal differences.

It's about the kids. Conflict is secondary. You have to show your best interest and always present the needs of the kids. Everything else falls to the way side. Accept things for how THEY ARE and not how you WISH them to be.

I think you've got a good assessment. My advice make this about the kids. Let your L deal with W and let your L represent you. Think of divorce as a business transaction. Treat it as such. Meaning both W and GF and let L deal with her. Make sure you find for someone experienced with PD's. Again the legal board can give you advice from their collective wisdom and experience.

You may want to move over to Legal and Leaving boards. We'll give you the right tools.

I'm sorry things came to this.

[Rioam]

Well there's been some wonderful (sarcastic) events over the past two nights.

After I couldn't get the PO I was in a tailspin of hopelessness. I felt that I had failed my wife, my kids, myself. So hours later, after trying to grieve and taking numerous drives around the city, I decided to call pwBPD. I used the excuse that the previous night, She had said my son was coming over for monday night football and I was curious if that was still happening. Found out that they were currently at a sex shop, and the kids were at the hotel with pwBPD's older, disabled friend. "Your f****** kidding me?" Is what I wanted to say, instead I kinda played the victim, keeping my answers short and mopey. Somehow the conversation went through some pretty weird loops, and in the end she invited me to come watch the game at the hotel, she'll pick me up. I perked up, cuz not only do I get to see my kids, but I can see my wife too!

Hours roll by... .I guess finding what you want takes a while? Though I suspect it was a side trek to pick up more NO2 canisters (Nitrous oxide) that they abuse to get a thirty second high. ( I did later find out that that abuse was excessive throughout this whole separation ordeal. Kids and later pwBPD let that one slip). Anyhow, they pick me up at the house to head to the hotel. I'm feeling very out of place, and pwBPD is just pulling out every possible flaw I have, real or imaginary. And they are blown extremely out of proportion. I can see my wife nodding and agreeing. I was like... .Do you hear this woman? But your feeding INTO it?. Anyhow, I did my best to hold my tongue throughout.

My goal, as I constantly repeated to myself, is to gather evidence that my kids are further being neglected and make sure they are good.

The guilt and just bloody blatant manipulation began the moment we entered the hotel. I'm amazed now at how often pwBPD will pull no punches, and steer my emotions down a twisted road of her design. I'm amazed at how I can now RECOGNIZE it but still fall victim to it? Is this a failing of mine, or are people with BPD REALLY THAT GOOD?

ANYWAY. I've got alot more to add to this, but I've got to run off to work. Let's just say... .I find myself running down a rabbit hole, eyes straight forward again. Only this time I notice the twists, and I've got a ball of string playing out behind me. Spent two nights over there. Am now COMPLETELY broke, and hanging like a Christmas ornament... .And loathing every decision I made to make this woman a part of my life.