Hard day... Part 3

[MaroonLiquid]

How should I handle my wife coming home tomorrow?  Should I text her and say welcome home and hope you had a good time, or let her communicate with me?

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[Grey Kitty]

How should I handle my wife coming home tomorrow?  Should I text her and say welcome home and hope you had a good time, or let her communicate with me?

What do you want?

Would you be happy with a brief pleasant exchange... .that ignores any of the real conflict you are having with her?

[MaroonLiquid]

How should I handle my wife coming home tomorrow?  Should I text her and say welcome home and hope you had a good time, or let her communicate with me?

What do you want?

Would you be happy with a brief pleasant exchange... .that ignores any of the real conflict you are having with her?

What do you mean?

[Grey Kitty]

Would you be happy with a brief pleasant exchange... .that ignores any of the real conflict you are having with her?

What do you mean?

You've been pushing her to talk about getting back together... .pushing her to compromise on the laptop... .and expressed a while ago that she would happily talk to you when you were supporting her financially, but if you wanted anything else, she would reject you and blow you off.

So if it went like:

YOU: "I hope you had a good vacation."

WIFE: "Thanks I did. Kids had a good time too."

(end of conversation)

How will you feel about it? Will you just feel hurt about what you aren't getting, or happy about a brief pleasant exchange with her?

[MaroonLiquid]

Would you be happy with a brief pleasant exchange... .that ignores any of the real conflict you are having with her?

What do you mean?

You've been pushing her to talk about getting back together... .pushing her to compromise on the laptop... .and expressed a while ago that she would happily talk to you when you were supporting her financially, but if you wanted anything else, she would reject you and blow you off.

So if it went like:

YOU: "I hope you had a good vacation."

WIFE: "Thanks I did. Kids had a good time too."

(end of conversation)

How will you feel about it? Will you just feel hurt about what you aren't getting, or happy about a brief pleasant exchange with her?

Great question... .Either way I just want her to know I'm here.  But I guess she already knows that.  I would feel fine if that's all it was, but a little disappointed also if that is all it was.  I guess I will keep the status quo and not seem "overjoyed" at her arrival

[MaroonLiquid]

One quick question, my wife's birthday is coming up in a little over a week.  Any questions on how to handle this?  I have always made her birthday a good thing and special because she was one of 5 kids who grew up with just necessities and her ex-husband never did anything for her.  One birthday he got her a fake flower... .I know this first hand because I was there.  I'm just lost on this because of the situation.  Thought about flowers and inviting her to dinner... .What do y'all think?  Counseling is the day before her birthday, just realized that.  Oh, well... .

[formflier]

 

I would hold off on deciding this until counseling... .don't pre judge what she will say or do.

Also wouldn't want her to misinterpret any actions about an event that is after counseling... .by something you did before counseling... .

[MaroonLiquid]

I would hold off on deciding this until counseling... .don't pre judge what she will say or do.

Also wouldn't want her to misinterpret any actions about an event that is after counseling... .by something you did before counseling... .

What do you mean?  Are you saying that it could be misconstrued?  Shouldn't I offer to let her know that it is important to me?

[MaroonLiquid]

So she has not contacted me thus far today but posted to facebook about fatherless "boys" (I'm sure she is talking about herself) don't trust what you say, they trust what you do... .

[formflier]

What do you mean?  Are you saying that it could be misconstrued?  Shouldn't I offer to let her know that it is important to me?

My recommendation is that you wait until after the counseling... .to wish her a happy birthday... or bring it up at all.

Yes... .about guaranteed to be miscronstrued... .pwBPD do that. 

You would mean to just wish her happy birthday... .and she could think you are "smothering" her... .or who knows what...

[formflier]

So she has not contacted me thus far today but posted to facebook about fatherless "boys" (I'm sure she is talking about herself) don't trust what you say, they trust what you do... .

Energy put into figuring out what the facebook posts of a pwBPD traits "mean"... or what they are talking about... is most likely wasted energy.

Probably a good thing to remain aware of... .but I would focus much on it... .or think much about it

[MaroonLiquid]

     So I woke up this morning and realized how peaceful and blessed I am.  Being in a separate home the last four months that protects me from the daily BPD drama, confusion, fear, anger, push/pull has helped me so much.  I realize how far I've come with this and proud for how strong I'm becoming.  I have done things in the last few months I never did before because I truly WANT AND DESIRE to change.  :)o I miss my wife and kids?  Yes, immensely.  :)o I miss the push/pull, drama, her picking fights out of thin air and everything being her way?  No.  I read "Walking on Eggshells" two days ago and boy it was eye opening.  A God-send.  I read it in one afternoon!  Now I'm going to start the workbook.   Reading the parts about distortion campaigns and "lovingly detaching" has helped me tremendously.  

    I have lovingly detached with the realization that it's not abandonment because when she texts, calls or wants to see me, I'm here.  I realize that I am protecting the love I have for my wife and at the same time, not feeding the illness.  I need to hold and KEEP my boundaries for both of us and not let her "distortions campaigns" affect me or react to them.  I haven't really this whole time (except when I did call her mom at the beginning of all this and she told me she wouldn't get involved), but I certainly won't feed and make myself look like the crazy and unhealthy one.  If people want the truth, they will get both sides and make that decision for themselves.  I know enough as a minister of the Gospel that most people have a hard time with the truth or getting both sides because then it makes them responsible.  

    I asked her several times in the last 5-1/2 years if she knew how much I loved her, and she always gave me a response I thought was strange.  She would say, "I think so, but I guess I don't."  I realize now what she means.  She means I love her more than she can understand.  It helps to know that she can't understand anyone can love her that way because she doesn't feel lovable.  God has started to give me true empathy for her, but will protect myself and not be a doormat for abuse.   I also realize a couple of other things since reading the book that have helped me.  It is actually freeing for me to see things from my wife's point of view.  She lives everyday in a fortress of fear and loneliness and it's heartbreaking.  I USED to live where my decisions where made by fear/survival because I wasn't nurtured the right way growing up.  It's freeing not to live that way anymore.  I pray that she desires to live that way to.  I know I can only change myself and will continue with God's help to strengthen the weak parts of me and my character.  I also know she sees the change as she has told me several times, and praying that it ignites a desire in her to change with me.  If she decides differently, then I know now I will be more than OK.  She is truly lovable and I'm glad that God has put me in her life.  I believe in her.  Sorry for the long post, but clarity hit me this morning.

[Grey Kitty]

   

This is a joyful post to read!

Congratulations.

I remember when I hit that clarity--knowing that I loved my wife. Knowing that I wasn't helping either of us if I let her abuse me. Knowing that allowing abuse isn't love.

[MaroonLiquid]

 

This is a joyful post to read!

Congratulations.

I remember when I hit that clarity--knowing that I loved my wife. Knowing that I wasn't helping either of us if I let her abuse me. Knowing that allowing abuse isn't love.

My wife texted me earlier to ask if my kids were trick or treating and I responded they were but not with me as I let them go with some friends. She just said, "I thought they were with you (it's my weekend with my kids)."  I guess she was opening up contact since I haven't contacted her since she has been home from vacation yesterday.  Strange... .Almost like she's "fishing" to see what I'm up to.  Told her what I was doing (helping my mom) as I'm not going to play games. 

[sadeyes]

Good for you!

Sounds like you're making some great strides!

[MaroonLiquid]

Difficult text exchange with my wife today.  She asked me about bills again.  I told her to meet and discuss.  She said we can discuss it in text.  I said I wouldn't and then she dysregulated.  Brought up something from 5 years ago, told me I wasn't capable of loving anyone because I don't understand the concept and that I was always "looking for the next big thing".  Tried to SET and validate the fear that I was moving on.  Also told her we would love to see her when they're ready and she responded that they won't be seeing us ever again.  I told her that I was sorry she felt that way.  It didn't work.  I realized she was baiting me into discussing the bills on text when it was too late.  She wanted me to pay her car note (ummmm, no, and she just got off a cruise), and held my ground that she asked for the separation, I didn't and she is responsible for her bills.  Mentioned that I would see her at marriage counseling on Friday and she said that she had to work and that she was saving her time for a "more important appointment".  Threat for divorce maybe?  I just said ok have a good day.  I'm irritated with myself that I rewarded her bad behavior again by giving in to texting.  She just wanted an outlet because she is having financial problems. I still never lost my cool or said anything hateful.  I was still loving in my approach.  Just hate that I feel like right now nothing I do is right.

[MaroonLiquid]

So today, doing my best not to feel down after yesterday.  I hate being the brunt of my wife's dysregulations.  Enduring this at times is tough!

[formflier]

I hate being the brunt of my wife's dysregulations.  Enduring this at times is tough!

So... .take the example of yesterday... and bearing the brunt of her dysregulation.  Who controlled whether or not your bore the brunt yesterday?

[Grey Kitty]

I woke up this morning and realized how peaceful and blessed I am.  Being in a separate home the last four months that protects me from the daily BPD drama, confusion, fear, anger, push/pull has helped me so much.  I realize how far I've come with this and proud for how strong I'm becoming.

Difficult text exchange with my wife today... .she dysregulated... .I still never lost my cool... .hate that I feel like right now nothing I do is right.

today, doing my best not to feel down after yesterday.  I hate being the brunt of my wife's dysregulations.

Wow. Life sure is an amazing rollercoaster for you, looking at three successive days like this. I've also got to say that progress is real, even when it comes in fits and starts, with occasional setbacks.

Be gentle with yourself.

 GK

[MaroonLiquid]

I hate being the brunt of my wife's dysregulations.  Enduring this at times is tough!

So... .take the example of yesterday... and bearing the brunt of her dysregulation.  Who controlled whether or not your bore the brunt yesterday?

I know I control that.  I know she is struggling and having a difficult time with me not communicating with her much.  I'm truly doing my best to change things.  Had to console my kids last night.  They really miss my wife and the kids.  They balled for like thirty minutes.

Thanks GK... .Hard to see progress when she seems to be getting worse.  But know sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.

[Grey Kitty]

Had to console my kids last night.  They really miss my wife and the kids.  They balled for like thirty minutes.

That's heartbreaking. 

Thanks GK... .Hard to see progress when she seems to be getting worse.  But know sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.

If your definition of "it gets better" requires your wife to improve, you are in a very tough spot!

Focus on what YOU can do that will make it better (for you and your kids).

 GK

[MaroonLiquid]

Had to console my kids last night.  They really miss my wife and the kids.  They balled for like thirty minutes.

That's heartbreaking. 

Thanks GK... .Hard to see progress when she seems to be getting worse.  But know sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.

If your definition of "it gets better" requires your wife to improve, you are in a very tough spot!

Focus on what YOU can do that will make it better (for you and your kids).

 GK

It doesn't require my wife to do anything.  I know that all I can focus on is myself and my children.  It is just hard to watch my kids heart break, be caught in the middle and have to be the one to always clean up her mess the last 4 months.  My heart breaks because theirs is.  I'm used to this, but still miss my wife so much. 

[formflier]

 

What got figured out at your last IC.  Did you guys comes up with a plan for you and the current situation?

[formflier]

 I know she is struggling and having a difficult time with me not communicating with her much.  

How do you know this? 

I'm afraid this is an incorrect assumption. 

[MaroonLiquid]

I would assume I guess.  Why do you think she doesn't?  I guess I put too much stock in what we had... .I know when I don't talk to her for a while she finds some lame excuse to make contact... .

[formflier]

I would assume I guess.  Why do you think she doesn't?  I guess I put too much stock in what we had... .I know when I don't talk to her for a while she finds some lame excuse to make contact... .

For starters... .we don't know.  We're making our best guess.

I think she is having trouble dealing with the BPD traits that she has... .that is the issue.  Limited contact with you may be just one of those traits. 

So... .I would suggest that the "prescription" that we write to hopefully make better what she is dealing with ... .what her "real" problem is... .is appropriate for what the real problem is.

If you think that her problem is dealing with LC or NC from you... .then some of your actions make sense... .to reach out to her... to engage in longer conversations... .etc etc.

If you think her problem is BPD traits in her life... then I suggest that... .as much as possible... .you write a prescription for your actions towards her... .that helps that as much as possible.

I think those two prescriptions are very different... .

How do you think they could be different?

[MaroonLiquid]

I would assume I guess.  Why do you think she doesn't?  I guess I put too much stock in what we had... .I know when I don't talk to her for a while she finds some lame excuse to make contact... .

For starters... .we don't know.  We're making our best guess.

I think she is having trouble dealing with the BPD traits that she has... .that is the issue.  Limited contact with you may be just one of those traits.  

So... .I would suggest that the "prescription" that we write to hopefully make better what she is dealing with ... .what her "real" problem is... .is appropriate for what the real problem is.

If you think that her problem is dealing with LC or NC from you... .then some of your actions make sense... .to reach out to her... to engage in longer conversations... .etc etc.

If you think her problem is BPD traits in her life... then I suggest that... .as much as possible... .you write a prescription for your actions towards her... .that helps that as much as possible.

I think those two prescriptions are very different... .

How do you think they could be different?

I'm not too sure.  I guess I thought her "contact" issue was because of the BPD.  I mean she won't have any contact outside of text and email with me, so maybe you're right and that's why.  I guess this is why I'm at such a loss.  She expects me to pay her bills while she wants to be separated, and I'm not standing for it.  Just don't know what to do... .What is the other prescription for dealing with "BPD traits"?

[Grey Kitty]

She expects me to pay her bills while she wants to be separated, and I'm not standing for it.

If you are unwilling to support her while separated, you don't have to "Not stand for it." All you have to do is not write the check; no need to even get angry about it. Especially since (if I remember correctly) you separated your finances and do not have any outstanding legal issues regarding it... .so she has no way to force you to pay.

Do you have other feelings about her or what she's doing that are getting wrapped up in this for you?

[MaroonLiquid]

She expects me to pay her bills while she wants to be separated, and I'm not standing for it.

If you are unwilling to support her while separated, you don't have to "Not stand for it." All you have to do is not write the check; no need to even get angry about it. Especially since (if I remember correctly) you separated your finances and do not have any outstanding legal issues regarding it... .so she has no way to force you to pay.

Do you have other feelings about her or what she's doing that are getting wrapped up in this for you?

Right, and if I'm not paying why bring them up?  She knows that by now but continues to bring up "bills" because she is short on money and for what seems like starting a fight to make me look bad, I guess... .It irritates and hurts me because she would rather start a fight than talk about what's important, our family and marriage... .

[Grey Kitty]

Right, and if I'm not paying why bring them up?  She knows that by now but continues to bring up "bills" because she is short on money and for what seems like starting a fight to make me look bad, I guess... .It irritates and hurts me because she would rather start a fight than talk about what's important, our family and marriage... .

Uhm... .it takes two to fight.

All she can do is provoke you. It isn't a fight until you "bite" on it.

Your chances of reconciling with her will go up if you respond in ways that don't drive your resentment up... .and possibly even make her feel better about you.

Remember--she is the one with mental illness. She is not capable of leading your r/s into more healthy patterns. If you can't lead on this, it isn't going to happen.