Hi Fish1974, welcome back -- thanks for updating us.
She elected for the phone call.. in which I was very raw/real/emotional. I told her that I couldn't do this anymore. That her mixed messages were harming me mentally and emotionally. I believe that my tone was more serious than it's been in the past. During the duration of the conversation - she said that she would "go in person" to the next therapist meeting. This is what my therapist wanted.
Should I be hopeful here?
It's a good question.
I wonder if she can sense that you are more serious than ever about ending things, and in order not to lose the relationship, is agreeing to do things that she believes will keep the two of you together.
That's where it gets tricky.
Generally speaking, therapy is more effective when the individual is there to work on themselves -- vs there "to make someone else happy", or there "to avoid being alone", etc.
One way to rephrase your question might be:
"Should I be
realistic here?"
Your relationship sounds like it's been on the ropes lately -- intensely intimate times, followed by "feels like goodbye" to you, followed by "I'm not interested in getting back together" from her, followed by the phone call from you where you share that you're done, followed by her finally agreeing to go to T.
This seems like a precarious time, so as you're wondering what her latest move might mean, maybe it'd be grounding to think about what is in your control and what isn't, and what it is you really want.
Having a clear picture of what you want for the relationship seems really important right now. Walk me through a little bit where you're at -- you just let her know on the phone that you can't do this any more. Am I tracking that that meant "I can't be in a relationship with you any more", or did it mean "I can't have our relationship keep going the way it was going?"
It might also be important to decide what you will and won't do, what are and what aren't dealbreakers, regardless of what she chooses. Kind of like -- instead of hitching your horse behind her wagon (of her decisions, like "OK I'll go to T in person"), and hoping that her horseless wagon can lead you to more stable ground, what if you "led with your horse" and kept the door open for her to "hitch her wagon to your horse" if she chose to do so? You could ponder deciding ahead of time "OK, what I definitely need for this relationship to be do-able for me is: we are together in person for couples counseling for at least 2 months with 1x/week appointments, and we save arguments/conflicts about topics XYZ for those sessions only". Or whatever list of "non negotiables" you have... regardless of what anyone else wants.
In other words, lead with what you decide is important for you, instead of reacting to her choices. Focus on what you can control (your thoughts, your priorities, your choices).
Like you said, right now, the way things are, you are feeling harmed mentally and emotionally. Something isn't working, and I'm wondering if both of you, in your own ways, are using "I'm done... I'm not interested in being together... I can't do this any more" as ways to try to stop the pain. Those may "work" short term, yet for longer term relational stability, it might be important for you to clarify to yourself what you need, and then move forward, with an open door for her to join you if she chooses.
Lots of thoughts there... really glad you're seeing a counselor for this. Write back whenever works for you;
kells76
