Reverse psychology

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey guys. I've been on this forum for about a month and a half now. It all started when I wanted to spend the quarantine bettering myself after having let my uBPD mother convince me to abandon my own needs and freedom by leaving my apartment and spending the last 8 weeks down here back at my old family home. I noticed how much I resented coming home for so long, yet I did it anyway just to appease my mom. I am an adult, yet I am still making these decisions! I have been posting every week or two with questions, insights and advice and it has been really helpful, so thank you all for being a part of this group!

Something I've realized in my own experience over the years communicating with My mom is that it is pretty much impossible to resolve any conflict with her. As you all are probably all too familiar with dealing with someone in your lives who behaves in the same way. After years I've decided that it was best for me to just not tell her anything or just lie to her about everything. That was the only way I could find peace. This was something I really struggled with. (I felt so ashamed that either I let my mom control my life because I would just appease her wishes over mine out of fear of a fight, or I had to lie to my mom about almost everything in my life which felt really embarrassing). Something this group has made me realize is that all of this is her fault, not mine. I may lie and do things that most adults wouldn't do for their mom's approval, but it is to protect myself from her abuse. All the times I've felt like such a coward for being this way. Lately I've experienced a lot of hope because I have been really believing in myself.. (another thank you to the group for helping me see that.)

Funny thing. I've noticed one other thing that gets her off my back---- reverse psychology. My mom is extremely controlling and is very much into "splitting." She sees everything as either all good or all bad. Especially her family and other people in her life. I've written a lot about my struggles with her that  extended into my adult life, especially in college. This really affected me! (Being pressured to go home right away because I would be accused of being a terrible daughter if I wanted to celebrate the end of finals with my friends, wanting to spend a free weekend with friends instead of family during a holiday, etc etc. It would get so bad that I would decide to just go home because my mom would call me 100 times and yell at me, ruining the time I dedicated to myself. So I would rather go home than have a horrible memory like fighting about me not being home the whole time. eventually I stopped even trying with friendships because it was all so embarrassing. I got tired of explaining to people why I never did anything with them if we weren't during school year time.)

Well lately, during similar times, I've tried using reverse psychology and saying things like "I'm upset that I cannot go home on (a week that was supposed to be a holiday etc) because I have so much to do. I wish that school would give us more reasonable breaks because I never get to see my family and I miss y'all so much." (expressing being upset about not being home/with her).. I've never seen such a change in her attitude about me not being home. The funny thing is she actually starts telling me that I need to stay at my apartment and be an adult and that I have to make sure I make friends and be a part of my environment. Things that I have been wanting her to acknowledge.

Sorry if that doesn't make much sense. What I am trying to say is the borderline parent desperately wants to feel like she's loved and not rejected. Not necessarily that you have to always do what they want, but that you WANT to do what they want. Does that make sense?

In the past my mom has felt rejected because she thought I "chose" friends, school or my own life over her (which is not a bad thing but in her mind it is considered rejection/abandonment). But she doesn't feel rejected or abandoned when I've told her that I'm sad that I'm not coming to visit. It's that she wants to feel that she Is wanted and needed.

I've had encounters with my mom where she acted wonderfully, and those were times when I made her feel needed. She desperately wants a place in my life and feels like she doesn't have one when we choose our own needs over hers.

I just thought I would share that tidbit of information. I think it could be used as a way to ease tensions between a controlling, toxic, borderline parent who wants to control your life. I think her controlling nature comes from a desperate need to feel wanted. To consistently remind the parent that they are wanted may be therapeutic to them even if it may be exaggerated.


My mom has rages. I've noticed her rages come from feeling rejected, disrespected. lied to etc (even when she may be mistaken most of the time), but all of those things come from a place of being hurt and fear of abandonment.  They don't just come at random, its when she feels threatened. Making sure she doesn't feel threatened is key.

Saying things like, "I can't wait to visit you next week!" may be a good opener to something like "I'm going to visit my friends this week."  It is a bit sad, but I think holding onto the fact that their kid is actually happy and looking forward to seeing them, or is upset they can't see them sooner shows them that we are not looking to abandon them, and it may ease the tension they may feel over something that would normally upset them such as "choosing other people over them etc."

In conclusion, if you need to get out of a situation with the BPD in your life, making them think it was their idea may be a helpful. Also, making sure the BPD feels like they are still loved and needed even though you didn't "choose" them may go a long way. (I bet this would help in a romantic relationship as well)

any thoughts?

[Josie2020]

Hey guys. I've been on this forum for about a month and a half now. It all started when I wanted to spend the quarantine bettering myself after having let my uBPD mother convince me to abandon my own needs and freedom by leaving my apartment and spending the last 8 weeks down here back at my old family home. I noticed how much I resented coming home for so long, yet I did it anyway just to appease my mom. I am an adult, yet I am still making these decisions! I have been posting every week or two with questions, insights and advice and it has been really helpful, so thank you all for being a part of this group!

Something I've realized in my own experience over the years communicating with My mom is that it is pretty much impossible to resolve any conflict with her. As you all are probably all too familiar with dealing with someone in your lives who behaves in the same way. After years I've decided that it was best for me to just not tell her anything or just lie to her about everything. That was the only way I could find peace. This was something I really struggled with. (I felt so ashamed that either I let my mom control my life because I would just appease her wishes over mine out of fear of a fight, or I had to lie to my mom about almost everything in my life which felt really embarrassing). Something this group has made me realize is that all of this is her fault, not mine. I may lie and do things that most adults wouldn't do for their mom's approval, but it is to protect myself from her abuse. All the times I've felt like such a coward for being this way. Lately I've experienced a lot of hope because I have been really believing in myself.. (another thank you to the group for helping me see that.)

Funny thing. I've noticed one other thing that gets her off my back---- reverse psychology. My mom is extremely controlling and is very much into "splitting." She sees everything as either all good or all bad. Especially her family and other people in her life. I've written a lot about my struggles with her that  extended into my adult life, especially in college. This really affected me! (Being pressured to go home right away because I would be accused of being a terrible daughter if I wanted to celebrate the end of finals with my friends, wanting to spend a free weekend with friends instead of family during a holiday, etc etc. It would get so bad that I would decide to just go home because my mom would call me 100 times and yell at me, ruining the time I dedicated to myself. So I would rather go home than have a horrible memory like fighting about me not being home the whole time. eventually I stopped even trying with friendships because it was all so embarrassing. I got tired of explaining to people why I never did anything with them if we weren't during school year time.)

Well lately, during similar times, I've tried using reverse psychology and saying things like "I'm upset that I cannot go home on (a week that was supposed to be a holiday etc) because I have so much to do. I wish that school would give us more reasonable breaks because I never get to see my family and I miss y'all so much." (expressing being upset about not being home/with her).. I've never seen such a change in her attitude about me not being home. The funny thing is she actually starts telling me that I need to stay at my apartment and be an adult and that I have to make sure I make friends and be a part of my environment. Things that I have been wanting her to acknowledge.

Sorry if that doesn't make much sense. What I am trying to say is the borderline parent desperately wants to feel like she's loved and not rejected. Not necessarily that you have to always do what they want, but that you WANT to do what they want. Does that make sense?

In the past my mom has felt rejected because she thought I "chose" friends, school or my own life over her (which is not a bad thing but in her mind it is considered rejection/abandonment). But she doesn't feel rejected or abandoned when I've told her that I'm sad that I'm not coming to visit. It's that she wants to feel that she Is wanted and needed.

I've had encounters with my mom where she acted wonderfully, and those were times when I made her feel needed. She desperately wants a place in my life and feels like she doesn't have one when we choose our own needs over hers.

I just thought I would share that tidbit of information. I think it could be used as a way to ease tensions between a controlling, toxic, borderline parent who wants to control your life. I think her controlling nature comes from a desperate need to feel wanted. To consistently remind the parent that they are wanted may be therapeutic to them even if it may be exaggerated.


My mom has rages. I've noticed her rages come from feeling rejected, disrespected. lied to etc (even when she may be mistaken most of the time), but all of those things come from a place of being hurt and fear of abandonment.  They don't just come at random, its when she feels threatened. Making sure she doesn't feel threatened is key.

Saying things like, "I can't wait to visit you next week!" may be a good opener to something like "I'm going to visit my friends this week."  It is a bit sad, but I think holding onto the fact that their kid is actually happy and looking forward to seeing them, or is upset they can't see them sooner shows them that we are not looking to abandon them, and it may ease the tension they may feel over something that would normally upset them such as "choosing other people over them etc."

In conclusion, if you need to get out of a situation with the BPD in your life, making them think it was their idea may be a helpful. Also, making sure the BPD feels like they are still loved and needed even though you didn't "choose" them may go a long way. (I bet this would help in a romantic relationship as well)

any thoughts?

[zachira]

Josie2020,
I love your use of reverse psychology. I have never heard anybody discuss doing what you are doing, and it makes perfect sense. At the same time, I hear your sadness and frustration about having to manipulate your mom, wishing she could be there for you.

[Methuen]

I've tried using reverse psychology and saying things like "I'm upset that I cannot go home on (a week that was supposed to be a holiday etc) because I have so much to do. I wish that school would give us more reasonable breaks because I never get to see my family and I miss y'all so much." (expressing being upset about not being home/with her)..

Yes yes! This validates her feelings (which include needing to be "missed" by you and therefore feeling valued).  It also gives her a new "target" (profs assigning the work), thus deflecting the target off of you.  

What I am trying to say is the borderline parent desperately wants to feel like she's loved and not rejected. Not necessarily that you have to always do what they want, but that you WANT to do what they want. Does that make sense?

 Absolutely!  

In the past my mom has felt rejected because she thought I "chose" friends, school or my own life over her (which is not a bad thing but in her mind it is considered rejection/abandonment). But she doesn't feel rejected or abandoned when I've told her that I'm sad that I'm not coming to visit. It's that she wants to feel that she Is wanted and needed.

This is such a great example!

She desperately wants a place in my life and feels like she doesn't have one when we choose our own needs over hers.

Yes. I think this is why the weddings of sons and daughters are such a trigger for so many BPD's.  For these pwBPD's, they may fear "losing" their child to the child's new spouse.

I'm so happy that you are feeling some optimism with your "reverse psychology" discovery.  It's a great tool to share on the board, and a really great example of what can work.  

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Notwendy]

I think what you are doing is a form of validation.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating


I also think all of us have lied and/or hidden things about ourselves with our BPD parents as a form of self protection. While I think we still have the right to choose what to disclose, our goal is to be more of our authentic selves and less "putting up a front" not for them, but for our own self esteem and self image. "I like myself" no matter if someone else doesn't. Basically, we need to be able to think we are OK, even if our BPD mother is saying otherwise. Because it's true!

Once we planned a family trip to see my father's side of the family. That's extremely triggering to my mother. It's understandable. She would want to be liked and have us plan a trip to see her, which we do, but seeing the other side of the family would make her mad no matter what.

We were so afraid to tell her. But she'd figure it out. She has her side of the family sending her any information they find and if anyone posted a picture on FB it would get instantly sent to her. ( she's not on FB but her family is). So we decided to tell her. She hit the roof, screaming at us, said she wouldn't send the kids birthday presents anymore, ( not that we expect them) and a whole lot more. Stopped speaking to us for about a week.

A week or two later, it was as if nothing happened.

The "storms" are awful, but they don't usually last. Validating helps prevent some of them. But the truth is- you will grow up, pursue your dreams, you are you, and your purpose is to be who you are - and you are a separate person from your mother. There is likely going to be conflict. Your task is to remain calm, don't hurt back, undesrtand where she's coming from- and continue to be you, regardless. It's a work in progress but you will get there.