BPD wife filed for divorce

[AlbatrossRising]

I met the love of my life in youth group. We were best friends during that time and always felt she was “the one” throughout the years. Very high spirited and bubbly. During those years she had a lot of boyfriends and seemed a bit chaotic. We never dated back then but she was my very first kiss. About 10 years later, she and I reconnected. I just left a long term relationship and she was in one with a guy she just cheated on another guy with (I know, red flags) but I was a little blinded by my life king attraction to her. Well, she eventually made a move on me and then she left her boyfriend and we were finally together. Instantly our talks were deep and about forever and always and marriage. How God brought us together. Well that part of our relationship only lasted 2 months bc she suddenly got cold feet, went back to her recent ex and told me she didn’t deserve me and was worried I was going to leave her for my ex.

Well a year passed and she reached back out to me stated she made a huge mistake and God had been working on her and she was selfish and stupid before. So after a couple weeks of hanging out again we started dating again and it was just seems to be the best thing ever. Her and I were truly best friends. She had a history of depression, she sometimes coped with things like alcohol and shopping but nothing was a deal breaker for me. I was head over heels for this girl. We eventually moved to another state out of a romantic whim and in the rush of everything she wanted to get pregnant right after we moved. I was hesitate but eventually we become pregnant with our first daughter (no regrets). After that we got engaged, married, and moved back to our home state a year later.  Everything was done side by side. Doing crazy fun life together. We moved back and it wasn’t long before she wanted another kid. So we had our second baby. And all was well as always. In the summer of 2020 we bought our first house together, she worked from home and I continued with my full time job. We were finally settled and things weren’t so chaotic or adventurous.

It was at this time her depression worsened and began cutting herself and having strong disconnects with our kids. She stated she didn’t want to be a mom anymore and she thought we’d all be better without her. Soon after she advised me she had a plan to kill herself. I took her for treatment at our local ER and they admitted her to a psych ward were she was first diagnosed with BPD. Her nor I have ever heard of BPD before, but she cried when she heard the criteria for it bc it was her to a T. Things got somewhat better for a bit but, we seemed to fight here and there, nothing major, but we didn’t really fight in general so it wasn’t typical. I noticed she became more and more distant over time. She’d apologize for causing fights and would state how she’s “PLEASE READed up” and how I deserve so much better.

In January 2021 she went to a friends house out of town and completely ghosted me. It was so strange. After while she finally responded to a phone call and she stated she wanted a divorce. Over the last 4+ months I’ve been fighting for her like crazy. But she really never recovered. Things kept getting worse, I heard her complaints which consisted in her not feeling “loved enough” by me. I did everything she asked, I set up counseling for us, both individual and couples. I read the book “stop walking on eggshells” and another martial book. I wrote up our love languages on a white board, did countless acts of service, bought her gifts, wrote her messages and it all only got worse. At one point she told me that -at the core of everything she was afraid I was going to see who we really was underneath and abandon her. It was in month two that she took the kids and left for her parents house. She told me during this tune that she never loved me and was only using me these past years. She told me a week later that she wanted healing and a better marriage, but just days after that she said she was lying and just using me to get to the kids. Which I still don’t believe. We had some bad fights which involved her hitting me at times. She would monitor where I was but then she’d disappear a full day. I learned she put us in severe debt and eventually learned of an ex she had been talking to and caught them together even. She pulled out of marriage counseling only after a couple sessions. Said she didn’t love me anymore. She then filed for divorce and her and her ex moved all her stuff out of our home. She now calls me a psycho, manipulator and gasliter, which I understand is a common BPD defense mechanism.

That’s all the nutshell version anyway. And friends and family tell me to move on. And for the most part I am. But I’m still left spinning. All this was so sudden after 4 years of a happy marriage. And with two babies, my ultimate want would be for her to come back and her help. She came back once before, but I don’t know. I’ve spent countless hours researching BPD and from what I gather, it seems like this won’t reverse. And I know I deserve better. Of course I get that. But I loved her the real way, unconditionally. I lost my best friend and the love of my life.

Again, I’d like nothing more then for her to come back around and her help. As of now we see each other to swap the kids and only really chat in texts, all business. I’m giving her space while knowing it’s out of my hands and likely over. Two to make it one to break it.

Any advice?

[Rex31807]

Do you want me to be real?  My journey with bpd was like living in a dyson vacuum. It was constant chaos. I am sorry.  The best hope is to not become codependent. That is what happened to me. I spent 13 years trying to make her happy. Her cycles escalated and it did not matter in the end. I spent my life filling an empty hole. I spent all my time trying to make her happy. It was a huge waste of time.

Put your effort into you and the children. Dont let her latch onto them either. It happened with my case. The youngest daughter is now codependent.

[Lucky Jim]

I loved her the real way, unconditionally. I lost my best friend and the love of my life.

Hey AlbatrossRising, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  Of course you loved her, but the sad thing is that love can't cure BPD.  I echo Rex: return the focus to you and your needs.  Time to move on, my friend, as hard as it is.  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings and get back to being who you are at your core.

LuckyJim

[AlbatrossRising]

Thank you guys. She’s my soul mate, or so I thought. It’s been hard. Crazy how something like this has happened not only to me and my family but to so many of you. It’s nothing I signed up for. We had a saying,  “always”. And that was said consistently until just recently. Just a shell shock left field type of thing. Devastating. But I have been moving forward. I’ve had no choice. My kids are my everything. And I’ll always love her and treat her with respect despite everything.

Maybe time will change things. She came to my daughters birthday party and was extremely cordial and nice and even made her laugh a few times. I know she doesn’t hate me. Doesn’t seem like she’s splitting me black or devaluing me. I don’t know how all this works with its “cycles” but I’m not holding on to hope. Who knows

[Rex31807]

Dont hold onto false hope. My experience with the cycles is that they will escalate. It will get to the point where it is weekly. Cut your ties and losses and move on.  I know it hurts. Im left wondering what was really true. 

[OutOfEgypt]

Hey brother,

What you describe sounds pretty text-book BPD, although I know there are variations.  My ex wife, for example, only had rare moments where she was lucid and honest enough to admit some of the things your wife/ex-wife is admitting.  My situation lasted over a decade.  To date, 2/3 of our children do not speak to their mom -not because they aren't open to a relationship, but because a relationship is impossible and they know it.  There's always going to be blaming, lying, manipulating, and then ghosting/rejection whenever an issue arises after a brief honeymoon period.  It's pathological.

During my long and painful marriage, with lots of back and forth, I would frequently panic when the shoe dropped and she wanted out of the relationship -which happened on average every 2 years.  This often involved relationships with other men, but not always.  By "panic" I mean I would pull out and dive into every resource I knew.  Being part of the Church, I read all the books, I tried all the gimmicks, I sought advice, I met with pastors, and I went to counselors and tried to get her to go to counseling with me.  None of it did anything, and all of it was used to solidify the narrative that I was a failure.  I beat myself to become better, imagining that some day we'd get around the bend in the road and things would level out.  But it never happened.  It just got worse with time.  I even had an older brother tell me, "Of course she isn't following your lead.  If you aren't joyful -if you are morose- why would she follow you?"  But did he have any clue what I was living through?  None.  It was stock-spiritual advice.  Well-meaning, for sure, but like almost all of the books I read (except ones that have a clue about BPD), it rang hollow and was out of touch with real life, my real life.

The best evaluation of the situation came from a counselor that had long-term experience with people like this.  He told me, "She's pathological.  She's going to keep doing this to you as long as you allow her to.  God needs to break her into a million pieces and put her back together again. That's the only thing that will change anything."  He also warned that eventually she would troll for our older son's friends.  I was in disbelief.  "No way," I thought.  But within a few years, she was sleeping with one of his 16-year old friends.  I've known her for over 20 years, and she has not changed.

For advice, for now I would say take the time you need to grieve and build your relationships outside of her.  There is nothing you can do to fix this.  No book you can read, no spiritual discipline you can adopt, that will fix her, fix your marriage, or make you bullet-proof to absorb this.  She will be a source of pain and suffering to the degree she is allowed to be close to you.  That's the sad truth.  If she comes back, you know what you can expect.  But it sounds like, if she's leaving you, you have the option to consider yourself freed.  You did your best to love her.  You bore that cross and sought to be the best husband you could to her.  The closure you likely seek is not going to come from her.  Once you think she's giving it to you, she'll take it away... reaching out to you to check your pulse and see if you're still there.  This will almost certainly happen once she senses you're gone, you're not pining after her, and you're starting to enjoy your new life.  So, the closure is something you need to make for yourself.  Feel free to PM me any time about this.