How are you coping with the isolation being in a BPD relationship brings?

[pearlsw]

Hi Everyone,

Saw something Enabler posted recently and it got me thinking about the topic of isolation. This has certainly been a feature of my relationship with my SO and something I want to be vigilant about countering. It has not been easy, and often feels hit or miss.

How are you coping with isolation? And what are all the things you are doing to prevent isolation from damaging you in the process of trying to maintain your relationship?

with compassion, pearl.

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[Enabler]

Hey Pearlsw,

I would say that isolation has occurred in a couple of different ways in my relationship with BPD. Firstly as a function of the behaviour. Human nature tends towards reward and pain thinking, the subtle and more often than not the overt signals of discontent coming from my uBPDw lead one to move towards things/people/thoughts/actions that give reward and away from things/people/thoughts/actions that result in emotional pain. Often a subtle/overt electric shock that covertly controls you. Maybe with my friends, "I don't like XYZ, he's a scumbag, I can't believe you're meeting up with him!"... ."I'm tired tonight, you'll have to see XYZ couple on your own" (that's embarrassing, they won't invite us again!). Soon you realise that you're seeing your mates a lot less, you're seeing your family a lot less and maybe you're trashtalking good people just to get a reward from your SO.

The second sense of isolation I have experienced is when I found out about BPD. Man I wanted to shout from the hills, tell everyone I know, hell, tell my W, get her fixed up. That euphoria didn't last long as it was pretty clear the majority of people thought I was having them believe in unicorns and pixies.

How did I deal with it? First example, badly... .I tended to get more and more isolated until I broke out violently back tracking on all the trash talk and reestablishing friendships I had let slip. The second example, I learnt that for the majority of people they have no or limited experience with the types of behaviours we experience. It's often an intimate disorder only experienced behind closed doors. Understanding that I shouldn't expect people to understand relieved the anxiety that I was yet again "wrong". Holding the knowledge close and tight but realising it is what it is was helpful... .HOWEVER... .If you are open to discussions with people you may well find as I have recently that there are a few people out there who don't find it too difficult to believe in pixies and unicorns, in fact it explains a lot of things for them. They may have a troubled parent, sibling, child or partner. I feel very intimately connected to a few people now, people I never expected to have a mutual bond with. I don't kick down doors but I'm open to hearing the small cries of help or "tell me more"... .I don't feel so alone now.

... .and of course... .let's not forget I have a community of 30k members with more than 3mln posts to keep me company!

Enabler

[RolandOfEld]

Hi pearls and thanks for starting this thread.

Enabler I'm totally with you on both points. Cut off family completely. Saw friends rarely. All of this enhanced by the fact that I'm in a foreign country. Realizing I'm in a BPD relationship, besides the fact that it helped me find a family here, is a very lonely thing in the outside world, where you have to pretend everything is OK and it seems like you're the only one with this kind of unicorn at home.

So what did I do. I got myself secret counseling during my lunch hour. I told my family and friends what was happening and why I had cut myself off from everyone. I joined an accapella class (starts in 2 weeks, gonna make this happen). And I put it in the back of my head to make a trip home next year whether she says it's OK or not. Nobody can deal with this kind of thing alone and survive.

~ROE

[Radcliff]

I was singularly bad at avoiding isolation.  I had a job and volunteer activities, so I had plenty of human interaction, but in a parallel universe where nobody knew what was going on in our relationship.  I kept that completely hidden.  I hid the reality even from myself.  I found being with a high-functioning pwBPD to be incredibly isolating.  Her issues were undetectable to friends and most family, and her acting out behaviors were mostly targeted at me, much of it late at night after the kids went to bed.  This experience is one of the reasons I'm passionate about supporting members towards the aim of not becoming isolated, or breaking their isolation.

WW

[waverider]

I learned to substitute quantities of "acquaintances" to a more solid selection of people close to me. That way there is much less covering up/glossing over/making excuses.

[pearlsw]

It's often an intimate disorder only experienced behind closed doors.

Hey Enabler,

Oh yes, absolutely! And I think this how a lot of us stumbled into it. One of my SO’s brothers has schizophrenia and I so that was the first thing I suspected early on, a lighter version perhaps, but it just didn’t match up. I start realizing he wasn’t just someone who bottled up his anger, these were massive mood swings. I think I may have been the first person in his life, and it took me years, to have a clear on this and finally say something is wrong here. This is serious. This is not just being difficult, or having some hard experiences in life, this is off the scale of “normal”.

So what did I do. I got myself secret counseling during my lunch hour. I told my family and friends what was happening and why I had cut myself off from everyone. I joined an accapella class (starts in 2 weeks, gonna make this happen). And I put it in the back of my head to make a trip home next year whether she says it's OK or not. Nobody can deal with this kind of thing alone and survive.

~ROE

Hey ROE,

This is really impressive. I think it makes a big difference to keep our feet firmly planted in reality. I’ve decided I am going to make a better effort to talk to people each week, not just at work, but friends, whatever it takes. If he blocks it or makes it difficult it’s over. I’m done. I need more human contact. Why should I suffer alone in life or limit myself because he has an illness? It’s gonna be a week to week thing, but I hope I can change what my world looks like.

nobody knew what was going on in our relationship.  I kept that completely hidden.  I hid the reality even from myself... .Her issues were undetectable... .and her... .behaviors were mostly targeted at me, much of it late at night after the kids went to bed.  This experience is one of the reasons I'm passionate about supporting members towards the aim of not becoming isolated, or breaking their isolation.

Hey WW,

Oh yes, I was thinking about this a lot today. How I have born the brunt of this illness. I have contributed to my own isolation, and at first I didn’t notice. I like people, but I don’t need to be around them, but the isolation has gone on too long. It’s so sunny and beautiful today. Even just seeing other humans and having sunshine is necessary, even if I don’t have many people to share my deepest thoughts and interests with.

I am impressed too that you have taken these bad experiences and turned that around to give so much to others! That is very commendable and such a healthy mindset!

I learned to substitute quantities of "acquaintances" to a more solid selection of people close to me. That way there is much less covering up/glossing over/making excuses.

Hey Waverider,

We have no almost no social contacts. He lost a lot of his life after his last messed up marriage and hadn’t rebuilt it before I showed up. Knowing what I know now I would not have gotten together with him so soon after his divorce. He thought he was ready, he wasn’t. He only now just seems about ready to start a more healthy relationship - 8 years later!

Thanks all for the inspiration to be less isolated! I can use all the encouragement and wisdom on this as possible!

Anyone else have ideas/experiences to share! Would love to more know of you!

warmly, pearl.

[zachira]

This is a really meaningful topic to think about, and something many of us may benefit from that are affected by relationships with BPDs, whether the relationship is with family or within a couple. When my crisis with my BPD mom and BPD siblings hit me like a ton of rocks late last Fall, all I wanted to do was isolate myself. I felt like such a failure after years of therapy, and then to have my family reject me for becoming a better person. I indeed am looking at how I am isolated in all my relationships, how some of my friendships were not really friendships, and instead relationships without real deep meaningful kind connections.
A big red flag for abusive relationships is that the abuser does everything they can to isolate the victim from others. My mother and father both always had/ has (Only mom is living.) endless bad things to say about my aunts and uncle and other people who gave me the love and respect any child/ person deserves. I now refuse to listen to anything bad my BPD mother has to say about anybody. She is indeed still raging about my brother's ex girlfriend who has been dead for over 20 years and how glad she is this girlfriend did not marry my brother, who has been dead for 10 years.
I am now wanting to completely avoid triangles with people who speak badly of others. Some people like to make friendships about talking about others, and this is not really friendship. It is about avoiding facing oneself and genuine contact in the moment.
I am slowly moving out of isolation though with caution as some of the people I am most attracted to, especially for romantic relationships, are not healthy choices. I seem to want to find a man I can rescue. As my ego strength growths, I am starting to find healthy people more appealing, and wanting to run more from the unhealthy ones, though the unhealthy ones still are able to really hurt me, when the way they treat me is really how they treat anyone who is a convenient victim.
There is so much joy in empathetic connection, and I am experiencing more of this as time goes on, though I still have a lot of work to do on becoming more connected and less isolated.