New Here - Need Help

[BillyB13]

I don’t really have a question, just wanted to share my story as I am in a lot of pain right now, so here goes:

Worked with this girl for two years, and always was infatuated by her, anyway after a couple of attempts in asking she decided to go out with me. We started dating and it was wonderful, spent all of our spare time together, walked to work, walked back from work together etc. I have a 9 year old son at weekends and she started to be involved in his life and was brilliant. We moved in together in August.

she  had a trip planned to Australia (we live in the UK) in November. Leading up to this trip one male, who was also going on the trip would keep messaging her. I asked her about this, she told me that they used to talk on the phone a lot but when they got close he got with another girl. So to cut a long story short they never got together. Regardless he would message her a lot and after I caused some arguments about this she decided to remove him on social media. When he text her she would always come tell me (not something I asked). She told me I had nothing to worry about, but she had to be civil because they were in the same group going on the trip. I understood.

After a few arguments in October she broke up with me, just as I was packing my stuff she told me not to leave. She wanted me to stay at her flat but she needed to think about whether we was in a relationship. During this period we went out for dinner, her phone was open and I see the last message was from this guy. I asked her why she was back talking with him, and she said that he had sent a message a couple of days back and she had forgot to tell me. I asked why it was her most recent message and she told me it was because she had deleted others. I deep down knew this was a lie. Anyway we worked through things and got back together.

Leading up to the trip I got increasing paranoid about this guy, especially when I learnt that at some point on the trip herself, another female friend and him would be sharing a bedroom, of course in separate beds. This resulted in a lot of arguments before she went. She went on her trip and left on good terms, telling me how much she loved me.

At the start of the trip it was fine, always texting and ringing and telling me how much she loved me. As the trip went on, she was contacting me less and the messages were very neutral. She went a few 48 hour periods without replying. She was only gone 3 weeks.

She text me at 8am Australia time, midnight here to tell me she had been doubting the relationship, this was 4 days before she was due back. I rang her straight away, she told me she’s not in love with me and she felt chemistry with this guy, she asked me to pack up my stuff and leave. I of course begged, pleaded did everything I could for an answer but she just ignored me.

On her flight home she text me saying she was glad we could be friends as she would miss me to much otherwise. I tried to be friends but kept asking about the relationship “which was to much for her”. She got annoyed at me, I went over to get my final things, which she left in the hallway and I text her afterwards saying it would be good to be friends. No contact from her.

A couple of days later I text her to say my grandma was ill and she would not see me at work as I was looking after her. I was met with a nasty response, saying that I had other people to go to not her, and that I was trying to guilt trip her to get back with me. This hurt.

A couple of days later I messaged her and the guy and asked both of them what had gon on, I accused her of cheating if not emotional cheating. She became very nasty then and told me I was psychotic, she hated me and she’d ring the police if I text her again. A couple days on from that, she messaged me to see if she could buy the holiday we had booked off of me. I did not answer as I had gone into no contact. Since then I have seen lots of instagram posts of her out having fun, having a good laugh at work and generally seeming like nothing has gone on. This is on mutual friends accounts as I am blocked on hers. I’m really hurting, can’t get her out of my head, I am 10 days no contact and struggling.

I am blocked on all social media except I message, but then again I haven’t checked  to see if I can still contact her on that. She told me when she got back from that trip that “she was going to follow her feelings” whether that was with me, the new guy or someone else. This is whilst we were still being “friends”. Now I am completely hated and she doesn’t give me another thought.

P.S - when I spoke to the other guy, he said nothing happened and nothing would because he lived to far away.she was fuming that I messaged him, and said I was ruining her life.

I know my paranoia and insecurities didn’t help, but her constantly talking to this other bloke and then telling me she had chemistry with him. Didn’t I have a right to be insecure?

She has also put a lot of selfies and bikini photos on instagram, I’m sure this is to get attention from other suitors.

I am ruined, cannot eat or sleep, going to start therapy next week.

Sorry for the long post but wanted to share my story.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BillyB13]

I forgot to say, this girl is diagnosed BPD.

[kells76]

Hi BillyB13   glad you felt ready to share your story. You're not alone in processing the pain of a BPD relationship.

Really good to hear that you're starting therapy next week. So many members here (myself included) have found it a lifesaver when working though the tangled knots of BPD. Will it be your first time in therapy?

Oddly, it makes sense that she was nastiest right after you texted that your grandma was ill. Many pwBPD (persons with BPD) see themselves as "always the victim", and so when another person is truly a victim and receiving attention and care, they feel wronged, cheated, and deprived of attention and love. Kind of like a belief that "there is a limited amount of love to go around". I've heard many stories of pwBPD behaving unkindly when someone else is sick.

She became very nasty then and told me I was psychotic, she hated me and she’d ring the police if I text her again. A couple days on from that, she messaged me to see if she could buy the holiday we had booked off of me. I did not answer as I had gone into no contact.

Threatening to call the police is an escalation. It was wise of you to decline to interact with her after that threat.

Even if she "isn't the type" to follow through, sometimes pwBPD can act so impulsively in the moment that they don't think about the long-term consequences. She may not actually specifically want you to have a police record, but if she feels impulsively justified in reporting you in the moment, even if later she wants to take it back, sometimes you can't take it back. So you're being smart to limit contact with her.

...

How is your son doing with all this?

And do you think you are done with the relationship? I.e., if she came back, apologized, said "I messed up", etc, would you want to try again, or are you done and moving on to processing your grief no matter what?

You're in a good place here.

-kells76

[BillyB13]

Hi Kells76,

Thank you so much to take the time to reply to my post, it really is appreciated.

My therapy starts tomorrow (thank god). I have been severely depressed, I am signed out of work and find it hard to even leave my room most days. My whole day is spent on these forums trying and hoping she will be back.

It has been a month today since she broke up with me, and 2 weeks today since I spoke to her. The only message I have received is when she wanted to buy the holiday off of me. We work in the same place so she knows I’m off sick. I haven’t had a single message from her to ask how I am, or how my grandmother is. She has been out partying a lot, and brought work friends back to her flat, where they stayed up drinking until 5am. So it doesn’t sound like she is upset about things at all, she seems to be living her best life. This hurts a lot.

My son has been fine, thanks for asking, he lives with his mum and stepfather so thankfully he hasn’t seen me like this much.

I would welcome her back immediately with open arms. I love her and miss her so much. I don’t think there is any chance of that happening though. In our last conversation before no contact I blamed her bpd and said “she was always the victim”. She said she was disgusted with me, never wanted to talk to me again and that she hates me.

I would do anything to have her back, just cannot see it happening ever again. All I have is hope

[BillyB13]

Update. Today she spoke to a work colleague and a friend of mine and she asked how I’ve been. Once he told her that I asked about her, she told him that if I contacted her in any way shape or form that she’d ring the police. I have not spoke to her in 14 days. She said she had no feelings and that it was completely over. Why is she telling him this when I haven’t spoke to her?

[BillyB13]

Can anyone make sense of this? I don’t know why she would approach my friend just to tell him she will ring the police

[tina7868]

Hi BillyB13! I want to join Kells76 in welcoming you to this community.

Can anyone make sense of this? I don’t know why she would approach my friend just to tell him she will ring the police

There is a lot to unpack when it comes to making sense of the actions of a pwBPD. This is especially true when difficult, intense emotions are involved. Often, these actions do not reflect their words. It can be confusing if not downright perplexing as an outsider.

Understanding the motivations of another person without being able to ask them directly why they did what they did is always going to be guesswork. What`s even trickier is that even if you could ask her directly why she approached your friend, she might not even be able to give you a clear answer; that would require a level of self awareness that can often escape pwBPD. I mention this because it`s important to remember that we need to change our lens when attempting to understanding disordered thinking.

You mention you haven`t spoken with her in 14 days. Her asking a friend of yours how you have been could be her indirect way of hearing about you, and your state of being. Another element at play, as mentioned previously, is the tendency of pwBPD to see themselves as `always the victim`. Part of that dynamic is telling her story to people in a bid for attention and sympathy.

So it doesn’t sound like she is upset about things at all, she seems to be living her best life. This hurts a lot.

I can understand how it hurts a lot. But viewed now from a different lens, we know that her way of managing her emotions may look different than what you`d expect. Just because she doesn`t seem upset doesn`t mean she isn`t. Coping mechanisms come in healthy, and unhealthy forms.

I would do anything to have her back, just cannot see it happening ever again. All I have is hope

This is a valid way to feel, and identifying that helps set the ground for where you can focus your attention in a productive way. For now, though, it`s important to focus on elements like eating and sleeping. They are the building blocks of strength during times like this.

How did your therapy session go?

How did her talking to your friend make you feel?

[BillyB13]

Hi Tina7868,

Thanks so much for replying, it means the world to me.

I cannot ask her, because she told my friend if I contact her then she will ring the police, so my hands are tied. Your idea of her playing the victim rings very true to me. She started off asking my friend about me, but then said she would contact the police, that it stressed her out and she has no feelings left for me etc. so it seemed to me to be a point made about not bothering her. She also brought up the other man from her holiday, telling my friend thy  don’t speak at all and she “does not understand why Billy was so worried about this”. Probably something to do with her telling me she had good chemistry with him when she broke up with me I imagine .

Therapy was okay, it was only an hour long and I didn’t gain much advice, but I will stick with it and go to the next session. I was at first happy that she asked my friend about me, but after she told me about the no feelings, the police and that she wanted to move on… understandably I was upset.

I can see her instagram off of a friends account, and she posted a story about being jealous of other couples at Xmas markets. She could be going to these with me? Made me feel slightly worse, but it made me think that she doesn’t have a new supply yet.

Anyway 16th day of no contact, I still hope she will come back to me. I have little to no hope left though.

Thanks again for the reply.

[tina7868]

Anyway 16th day of no contact, I still hope she will come back to me. I have little to no hope left though.

Harbouring hope, despite all the turmoil, is normal, and something a lot of us here can relate to. Acceptance of this feeling can help, as well as focusing on what is in your control. For example, you can learn more about BPD, and communication techniques, both of which will be useful whether she comes back into your life down the line or not.

Have you had a chance too look at the `Lessons` section?

Be easy on yourself as well. What does self care look like for you?

[once removed]

“she was going to follow her feelings”

she wasnt lying there 

unfortunately, even with the best of intentions, the person doing the breaking up is often inconsiderate of the feelings of the person theyre breaking up with. this is often even more true for someone with bpd, precisely because they tend to "follow their feelings", and usually not have a very good picture of how doing so might effect others.

it might be grudgingly cute when a toddler is immature, and doesnt consider others, but an adult doing it can create a lot of hurt. thats what shes doing.

I would welcome her back immediately with open arms. I love her and miss her so much. I don’t think there is any chance of that happening though. In our last conversation before no contact I blamed her bpd and said “she was always the victim”. She said she was disgusted with me, never wanted to talk to me again and that she hates me.

I would do anything to have her back, just cannot see it happening ever again. All I have is hope

my relationship didnt end on a happy note either. i had hope of reconciling for a while.

here is the thing:

the ice is going to have to thaw on this. if shes going to come back, it isnt going to be tomorrow, and if it were, theres a considerable amount of resentment, distrust, and anxiety here between the two of you; you would crash and burn as quickly as you got back together.

so, if nothing else (and theres a lot else actually), its going to take some time, and space, for that ice to thaw, for that to create any space for friendliness, if thats going to happen. it may not feel like it, but the absence of communicating, at this time, is actually the best thing for your hopes! she needs to get back to baseline.

to some extent, that is probably true for you, too. right now, everything probably feels very urgent, like you need to act, you want to fix this. but her instagram isnt going to help you do that. its just going to drive you crazy. it might help to, in the process of coping, and as part of your therapy, create some space in all of this to decompress, get emotionally centered, and get your life back.

im not saying dont think of her, obviously. i am suggesting doing so in a deliberate way, while you get your mental health and life back.

think of it in two ways: 1. she isnt coming back tomorrow (shes still mad). its going to take time if she is. use that time to rebuild your strength. to get back to the upbeat, confident guy she fell for in the first place. 2. if she did come back tomorrow, imagine how that would go. would you be prepared?

[BillyB13]

Tina7868 & Once Removed,

Thanks so much for the replies, these are incredibly helpful to me.

I have just had my meds upped and started therapy last week, so hopefully the combination of both help.

I do miss her an incredible amount, the last time I heard from her was when she told my friend that she would contact the police if I got in contact. I am 18 days no contact, and each day I find myself thinking about her the whole day. How can she not love me? How can she not have feelings for me? How is she over it? This was the girl who had decided she was spending the rest of her life with me.

I think she might be one of the BPD’s that will never recycle or try and reengage, this is not something I want. We do work in the same building, if it wasn’t for that I don’t think we’d ever speak again. I plan to try and get her back in the new year, but if I am met with resistance and more police threats then I will stop.

I really don’t understand her anger, she broke up with me. I understand I contacted her a lot after the break up but I was hurting and had no closure. Surely she can understand that? I love this girl I will keep trying.

[tina7868]

I think she might be one of the BPD’s that will never recycle or try and reengage, this is not something I want. We do work in the same building, if it wasn’t for that I don’t think we’d ever speak again. I plan to try and get her back in the new year, but if I am met with resistance and more police threats then I will stop.

One time, my exwBPD called the police and gave them my address. The context was different, but it could have been quite serious nonetheless. After that happened, we were in no contact for three months. He blocked me, unblocked me to call me at some point, blocked me again, and then completely resumed contact with me like nothing happened. He even said he missed me and didn`t understand why I had `disappeared`.

I share this with you not to give you hope that your ex might indeed reappear at some point, but to show that, even when it may seem like all bridges have been burned, it doesn`t mean that she will never reengage again. `Following her feelings` does entail that in the spur of the moment, her mind could change. It isn`t a guarantee, but it is a possibility.

This is why, as once removed has said, it can be fruitful to think about whether you would be prepared if you did hear back from her. How would you want to show up?

I really don’t understand her anger, she broke up with me. I understand I contacted her a lot after the break up but I was hurting and had no closure. Surely she can understand that? I love this girl I will keep trying.

My heart goes out to you. Many of us have experienced confusion and turmoil. It is a valid decision to keep trying, if that is what feels right to you. Ideally, you`d take a step back, recenter, and take action from a place of confidence and clarity instead of urgency and anxiety. It sounds like you are taking the steps to do just that. If it takes taking things one day at a time, or even one hour at a time, that`s okay. Be patient with yourself and hang in there.

[BillyB13]

Can somebody give me some advice please? Is it worth me contacting her over the Christmas period? Putting out some feelers to see how she reacts? I mean last I heard from her she said she’d ring the police if I contacted her - that was said to my friend. But it has been a while since that was said.

[once removed]

Can somebody give me some advice please? Is it worth me contacting her over the Christmas period? Putting out some feelers to see how she reacts? I mean last I heard from her she said she’d ring the police if I contacted her - that was said to my friend. But it has been a while since that was said.

what would you want to say, and how would you want to go about it?

is there a reason to believe her reaction would be different?

[BillyB13]

Once Removed

I want to reconcile our relationship and would like to apologise for the things I did (texting and calling) when she said she needed space.

I was thinking of sending some flowers to her parents house for her on Xmas day. That is where she will be spending Xmas. Would this make things worse?

[once removed]

Would this make things worse?

yes, it would.

apologise for the things I did (texting and calling) when she said she needed space.

blocking you on every platform and threatening you with the police is really the ultimate way to say "i need space, and a lot of it".

there is no gift, no words, no apology, that would be welcome by a person who is saying that. not respecting that is really the ultimate way to say "im not going to give it to you". you can reasonably expect that she would respond to that with increased hostility; most people would.

I understand I contacted her a lot after the break up but I was hurting and had no closure. Surely she can understand that?

this is something you will need to come to terms with, especially if you get back together.

an ex partner isnt interested in helping us heal. whether or not she can understand excessive contact, shes not going to try, because it is unwanted.

moreover, it is smothering, and looks needy; not how you want to be perceived if youre trying to attract someone. to send her an apology for this now, would be to completely miss the point.

people with bpd are generally needy people. there just is not a lot of room in any romantic relationship for two needy people. a needy person just doesnt have the capacity to handle ours on top of theirs. to some extent, making it work is learning to manage this handicap.

[BillyB13]

I understand Once Removed. Good advice. What should I do if I am still interested in a relationship one day? What would be the best way to boost my very small chances?

[once removed]

What would be the best way to boost my very small chances?

it may sound trite, but the best thing you can do to do that is by becoming that better, stronger version of yourself. build up your life, as well.

it is what is in your control, and it is what looks attractive.

you dont want to be all in her face or look like youre trying to get her attention, but she will see it, and/or hear about it, and that change will look attractive, and while there is no guarantee it can prompt a person to see us in a new light, or reconsider how they see us.

[BillyB13]

Yeah I understand. I’m torn up with guilt right now, really just want to say sorry to her.

[BillyB13]

Thanks for the advice yesterday OnceRemoved, really helped me steady down. I am 22days no contact but things keep popping up as why I should contact her, and I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. These are the reasons:

1) My son had a good day today and won a competition, first thing he asked me is if he could ring my bpd ex girlfriend and tell her. I told him I would speak to her and let him know if we can ring her. I haven’t spoke to her about this, and might just tell him that she’s to busy at the moment. By the way, my ex is not his mother, but they were close.

2) My grandparents have asked if they can send her a message via Facebook to say happy Christmas to her.

Now I am concerned about both of the above reasons. They both look like they could be things I have orchestrated to resume contact. This is 100% not the case. Would you advise me to stop both of the above contact forms or are they harmless? Really torn on this one. I would like my son to share his good news with her, as he thinks very highly of her. I also don’t want my grandparents to not wish her a happy Christmas, but  don’t want her to think that I was behind the message.


Thoughts appreciated.

[livednlearned]

Hey Billy, it's tough when these relationships end. It can feel like withdrawal from a drug.

How long were you together?

Sometimes when women want space what they are saying is a guy's intense emotions are too much.

Does that make sense?

She may find it challenging to regulate her own emotions if yours are overly intense.

What were you like when you two began dating? Chances are she won't want reminders of what happened when she dumped you because that's evidence she's a bad person (to do that to you).

[BillyB13]

Hi Livenlearned

We were together for 6 months, so not a great deal of time but we did live together.

I am giving her space, haven’t spoke to her for 23 days and will continue to not do so. I think my emotions after the break up definitely pushed her away further. I don’t want to talk to her at the moment, because I do not think I am stable enough to handle whatever emotion I might be faced by from her.

We fell in love very quickly and moved in with each other very quickly. It felt like we had been together years.

[BillyB13]

Update on the above.

Again my son asked me today if he could ring my BPDex to tell her his news, I hadn’t asked her if he could because I didn’t want to break no contact. Anyway he has a phone that he plays games on, he only has this phone whilst I am with him, so I know exactly what he does on it. I said if you want to tell her, then you can message her if you want.

To cut a long story short he messaged her and she’s been replying to him, talking about football etc. I have been monitoring the messages but not getting involved in it. Just friendly banter about football.

She’s been very chatty and nice to my son. Is this a good sign for me also? Would she reply to my son if she hated me? Feels like I am going mad looking into every detail here, but I just don’t know what to think.

I nearly messaged her to ask if it was okay for my son to message her, but thought better of it.

Am I reading into this too much? Or is she just being friendly to my son? So confused.

[kells76]

It must be difficult when she is "so close yet so far away."

I think allowing your son to decide to share his news with her, while you still monitor his messages to make sure everything is appropriate, makes a lot of sense.

Can you remind me how old your son is? And does he know that the two of you are kind of broken up right now?

One perspective to consider is that if you ask her if its ok for your son to message her, it may "come across" as you using that connection to try to communicate with her -- even though that's not your intention.

If the messaging between her and your son has only been going on for a day or so, I'd let it play itself out and let her and your son have that positive interaction -- with nothing she can point to to say "you were just trying to get to me through him".

You have the strength to observe, monitor, give it a few days, and see where things are at mid-next week.

It certainly doesn't seem like a bad sign that she is supportive of your son, though pwBPD can often have very different relationship dynamics with less intimate relationships.

My gut feeling is let the interaction play out without interfering -- will send her the message that you respect her need for space. And those moments when you feel pulled to contact her -- consider using those urges as signals to do some self work, like working out, meditating, journaling, reading/posting here, etc.

There may be other approaches to this situation, too, which is one of the nice things about this group -- you can hear various suggestions and think through what is best for your situation and your life.

Hope that's some helpful food for thought;

kells76

[BillyB13]

Hi Kells76

Yeah it is difficult, every bit of me wants to reach out and see how she is.

He is only 9, he only has the phone when he is with me, so I always know what he is doing on it. He does know we have broken up and he understands.

I keep hoping with Christmas and the new year round the corner that she will reach out, but I cannot see it if I am honest. I will continue to stay in no contact. Might try and message her in the new year though. Give her chance to see me physically at work and to see that I am no threat to her.

[BillyB13]

So majorly upset right now, the things I am hearing that I have supposedly done to my BPDexG are just not true. Apparently I threatened to commit suicide if she left me, that I moved all my stuff into her flat without asking, I tried to make her a mother to my son… and she said it was all happening to fast. This stuff is just complete rubbish, she asked me to move in with her. I really don’t get this disorder, she truly hates me right now and I’ve only ever tried to love her.

[kells76]

So majorly upset right now, the things I am hearing that I have supposedly done to my BPDexG are just not true. Apparently I threatened to commit suicide if she left me, that I moved all my stuff into her flat without asking, I tried to make her a mother to my son… and she said it was all happening to fast. This stuff is just complete rubbish, she asked me to move in with her. I really don’t get this disorder, she truly hates me right now and I’ve only ever tried to love her.

Oof, that's relatable. The reframing of the breakup happens to lots of members. Many pwBPD struggle to take responsibility for their part in something negative (like a breakup), and instead of being able to say "this is how I contributed", they instead cope with the shame by blaming others for the entire thing.

Who are you hearing this stuff from?

[BillyB13]

She was speaking to a family member of mine, said it wasn’t a serious relationship and she doesn’t how I can be so heartbroken from it. It was her who said she wanted to take my son to Disney world? Can’t get my head around any of this

[kells76]

That's not uncommon for the exwBPD to stay in touch with your family members -- my H's kids' mom did that, even though she swore she despised his dad.

Do you want to be hearing that stuff? If not, is this a family member where you could say: "Hey, I know you care about me, it's just a little to much for me to hear what she's saying right now."

...

I missed this in your last post:

I keep hoping with Christmas and the new year round the corner that she will reach out, but I cannot see it if I am honest. I will continue to stay in no contact. Might try and message her in the new year though. Give her chance to see me physically at work and to see that I am no threat to her.

Can you remind me -- do the two of you work at the same place? Sorry if you already shared that and I forgot.

[BillyB13]

Hi Kells76

Yes we do. I am getting a bit afraid of her telling people she is going to call the police on me though. I am considering or have considered now to end this from my side. I was always hopeful of reconciliation, but she is becoming someone I don’t recognise anymore.