Does a previous recycle make one more likely?

[pipefitter]

I’m curious as to the answer. Because I have read both online. A previous recycle makes a 2nd attempt less likely because of baggage but I also saw that because they did it once and it worked, they will attempt it again. Im wondering what everyone else’s experience is here?

To be clear, I do want to try again with her. But we are in the middle of b/u and split #2. This time not as dramatic and drawn out. More sudden and she seems much firmer on not getting back together. It’ll be a week no contact on Tuesday. This is due to her blocking me on everything. I don’t know what to think, but I’m trying to do the work to keep myself mentally healthy. TIA!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Augustine]

I can only offer my anecdotal evidence derived from a four-year relationship punctuated by her periodic disappearances.

If my case is anything to go by, then the answer is yes.

Her first few reappearances seemed miraculous at the time; however, towards the end, I was just so exhausted by it all that when she disappeared on our last attempt, I closed and bolted the door behind her permanently.

Oh, and you cannot usually place any emphasis on what they say, as their thoughts can turn on a dime.

[pipefitter]

Ya, I couldn’t during the first break up either. Did yours swear up and down you were done during the breaks?

[Augustine]

Ya, I couldn’t during the first break up either. Did yours swear up and down you were done during the breaks?

Her predominant behaviour was to become increasingly irritable, and then completely disappear for a couple of months.

Then she’d be in a panic to see me again, and off we’d go on another fruitless recycle.

She did officially breakup with me twice, and in textbook BPD fashion, it was out of the blue.

As I mentioned, towards the end, the incessant toing and froing grew so wearisome that I made sure her final recycle was final.

Yes, I did broach the subject of her unconventional relationship behaviour with her a couple of times,  but all it did was induce another protracted absence.

Hopefully you’ll have better luck with yours.

[Beegirl]

Hello, I was just broken up w again about a week ago. In total, it’s been 1.5  years together. Each time I was recycled, the return time varied. Some times, it was 5 days, others a month or so. This time, he seems serious, so I’m not sure if this is the final discard. Hope that helps and sorry for your pain.

[PhoenixKnight]

Feel the need to chip in here. Was in a 3.5 year relationship in which my partner left 11 (yup, eleven) times. She came back 10 times at varying time spans. These varied from 3 days to 3 months, I only chased her once and generally left her alone. Every time she would have the same pattern; start working herself up, start telling me I wasn’t giving her enough affection (genuinely an impossible task), she’d blow up over something small and bolt. I’d get messages after a few weeks blaming and guilting me about something (usually my lack of contact), then she’d realise how much I actually did for her then start testing the water.

Our penultimate break up was in June 2022. We had 3 months apart and when she came back she went all in. Seemed to be ‘over’ her commitment issues did her best. She moved in with me for 15 months, but if I’m being honest it was all too much for her. She lost her independence and her identity. We tried relationship counselling which she found really tough. The therapist was highlighting her abusive behaviour and recommended going to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis (either BPD, bipolar, or a combination of both). My ex was happy to be labelled with C-PTSD, but the suggestion of anything more she could not accept. I knew she was going to go, and she did in November.

I have hit that exhaustion point now. I always made excuses for her poor behaviour as she could be really sweet and her past was awful, but she could also be a monster. When she upped and left in the night this time I felt quite a bit of relief.

I think so long as you have been a good and supportive partner, and you show strength in the break up, there is no reason they won’t come back. The final discard could be the first, or the eleventh!

[pipefitter]

That was part of my problem Phoenix. I was too co dependant, and too supportive. I allowed her to live like a teenager, with me almost like a parent. Responsible for her taking her pills showering taking care of her kids etc. at the end though I said a couple really nasty things. Which is hindsight I regret. But kicking a guy out a week before Christmas after he already paid for Christmas for you children tends to make one snap. Me saying what I said may prevent her from ever speaking to me again

[PhoenixKnight]

Yes that sounds very familiar. I definitely need to look at myself in my situation as the old me never used to put up with such erratic behaviour. My ex is an attractive girl, and I need to be honest with myself that I’m just blinded by her beauty and the potential of what she could be. I was so scared of the explosions I tip-toed around her. I did set boundaries often, but this ALWAYS led to fights and emasculation of me. I lived with a 5kg weight in my stomach, constantly on edge.

I think you need to be kind to yourself here. Being in that position for so many months will cause a lot of resentment. Only you know your situation but you are human and you have a right express your own emotions. Yes, they may not have been the best choice of words, but NOBODY is perfect, especially dealing with stressful situations. If she chooses to hold a couple of sentences said in anger against you, rather than all the good you did in the relationship, you will be better off in the long term without her.

Just have a bit of time focusing on you, remembering what makes you a good partner, and all the kind and loving things you did. We can all learn from break ups and fixing our faults for the future is important, but don’t let them dilute the positives you bring. Chances are you will be remembered for that once the dust settles. Loving relationships are rare and not quickly forgotten.

[pipefitter]

Thanks man, that means a lot

 It’s something I want to learn for if/when there is a next time for her. To me, love has always meant taking care of their needs. And that’s what I did to the point where I became a doormat slave. It was always out of love, and I made sure to never let her forget how much I do/did love her

 It was her longest, and most loving relationship. We were engaged even with the break up and recycle. She has me blocked everywhere now. I’m just hoping I get the chance to try again. Until then I’m doing exactly what you said. Focusing on myself and learning

[PhoenixKnight]

Again, similar. I spent all of the 3.5 years pandering to her needs, and I completely neglected my own. This was brought up by our therapist, how one-sided everything was. I must of looked completely washed out because since the split the therapist has told me that the best thing I can do is go and find someone that is capable of supporting me rather than using me as their emotional crutch. I foolishly thought that by showing her what a calm, loving relationship was it would cause her to feel safe. The therapist said (and this sticks with me), that my ex only knows conflict, so chaos is what she perceives love (and safety) to be. I can’t stand the screaming, so I need* to accept that I’m not good for her, and her for me.

Break ups are tough, all we can do is keep our dignity. The way I keep mine now is resisting any breadcrumbs and focusing on finding a better match. Keep the path you’ve started and you’ll come out with your head held high, whatever the outcome. Good luck mate.

[pipefitter]

Thanks man. One day at a time ✊