So tired and so consumed by the drama and trauma

[Hopeful456]

Hello

My 16 and a half year daughter doesn't have an official diagnosis but my gut instincts are persistently drawing me to believe she has BPD. Her Camhs nurse initially suggested she could be on the spectrum but did also acknowledge her presentation was BPD.

I am due to attend a Child Protection Conference about her next week - following several episodes of running away, 2 arrests, self-harm (cutting and pills overdose.) She also physically assaulted me (pulled my hair, punched my head and bit my face) and smashed my car windscreen. She denies the biting and the windscreen and repeatedly will tell me I am "messed up in the head and tell lies (about her)". In early December she went 100 miles away to London (after telling my mum she was going to a sleepover at a friend's house, locally) for 5 days and stayed with unknown adult males in a not very nice area. The MET (missing, exploited and trafficked) police brought her home (she is currently staying with my mum) on the 13th December - and she has stayed out all night without warning 8 times since then. Her twin is distressed beyond belief and finds it incredibly hard to sustain a relation with her - particularly when she goes through a "you're dead to me" phase with me and then cosies up to everyone else and is particularly lovely to them. FYI - I was angel mum on boxing day as I got the presents right. On Friday I was then "evil nasty lying bitch" because the Social Worker gave her the report on her and she now believes I have engineered this.

I know I should be able to see this isn't about me. And that her pain is so much worse. I know I should be compassionate and caring but I have had this for over 2 years now and outside work, I have no life. I don't feel able to make plans as nice events (for me/her siblings/other family members) seem to be a trigger for meltdowns.  I am consumed by this and I know it's so unhealthy for her - and all of us. Am I normal for just feeling like I have completely had it? I am starting to find her such a manipulative and spiteful person and I worry that I hate her - which saddens me hugely as we had such a close bond for so many years. Her abuse of me is triggering as it's really similar (in it's phrasing) to how her dad was with me. It's a mess and so am I.     
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Hopeful456, and welcome.

My daughter, too, was a teen runaway and she was running at a time when a serial killer was targetting teens/young adults in our area.   I will say that was many years ago but I don't think I will ever forget being so frightened, the pain excruciating.

You ask... ."Am I normal for just feeling like I have completely had it?"  Oh yes, you are normal!  So many here will attest to the fact that they get so worn down dealing with the ups and downs... .the words used so often are "it is a rollercoaster ride."  Pretty good description, wouldn't you say?

You also write... ."I know I should be able to see this isn't about me and that her pain is so much worse."  Yes, our brains are telling us that but our hearts aren't feeling it.   We are loving Moms and it hurts when/if our children turn on us.  Try not to be hard on yourself, Hopeful456.  Stay confident in knowing you are doing the best you can and I am sure when you know to do better... .you do.

It is sounding like you have family support, which is good.  Have you ever gone to a counsellor... .for yourself?  When the bottom was dropping out of my world, I did seek out help.  I needed validation... .someone telling me that what my daughter was doing was NOT right.  I would come away empowered, better able to set boundaries that were much needed.  Bottom line, I needed looking after and who better to do that than ME.  Coming to this forum was a good start.

For sure this is going to be a rocky road for you, Hopeful456, but I think the word "hopeful" in the moniker you chose for yourself is a good sign.

Hope to hear more from you and hope this community of like-parents becomes one of your lifelines.

Huat

[Only Human]

Hello Hopeful456 and welcome to BPD Family.

You sure have been through a lot in the last 2 years. You are absolutely not alone in wondering if you are normal for thinking you've completely had it. Many of us have hit that wall, losing hope after all we've been through. So I'll say, yes... .it's normal and common.

I'm so sorry to hear your daughter (DD) has been physically abusive to you and destructive to your property, then denies those acts, preferring to tell herself and you, and probably anyone who will listen, that it's you who is a messed up liar.

Her abuse of me is triggering as it's really similar (in it's phrasing) to how her dad was with me.

It makes sense that you'd be triggered by her abuse, having experienced similar treatment from her father. Is he still in the picture at all?

What is the goal of the Child Protective Conference and will you have support for yourself at the meeting?

I'm so sorry for what has brought you here but I'm really glad you found us. There are many parents here who will relate to what you've written and we are all here to support each other on our journeys.

Again, welcome to the family  

~ OH

[Only Human]

I see that Huat was posting while I was writing. I echo her words below and thought the same when I saw your choice of names for you here.

I think the word "hopeful" in the moniker you chose for yourself is a good sign.

There is hope for a better tomorrow.

~ OH

[JeanGenie]

Hi Hopeful456,

I've just read your post, and just wanted to say hello, and that I am so sorry for what you are experiencing with your daughter.  I am pretty new here, and am not very experienced or knowledgeable yet about BPD, but since I've been on this site I have received so much help and support.

There will be someone along soon who will have more experience and knowledge than I.  People here have been so nice and helpful.

I admire your honestly about how you feel sometimes about your daughter when she dysregulates. When my daughter was 16, her outbursts and anger rages were shocking to me - like looking at someone that wasn't her. I can relate to the trigger too to how similar she was in her rages to when her dad used to 'lose it' with me.  I have been scared of her, and interactions with her still give me a lot of anxiety.  I had no knowledge or help at the time she was 16. When I went to my GP, I was told that it was a 2 year waiting list for her to see a therapist for 'anger management'. She left our home to houseshare with friends (I think at the time I thought she was attempting to remove herself to limit the mayhem, damage and hurt that her/my inability to manage her temper was causing). She then got into drugs etc, became bulimic then anorexic but always managed to provide for herself as she also maintained her workaholic and very driven side of her nature.

I am trying to learn all I can about how it is for someone with BPD, I am hoping that by doing that I can better manage myself and my reactions to my daughter's take on things.  It is early days for me, even though this has been going on for about 14 years, it is only just recently when things have escalated again that I have twigged she may have traits of BPD.

I hope you find the support you need here, you will see that you aren't alone.

Off to try and get some sleep now... .! JG x

[Tinkerbelle]

Dear Hopeful456,
I am sad for you and I have been there with our 32 year old daughter.For our 32 year old it was first bulemua and then men/alcohol which  will no doubt return when she delivers her twins.I remember similar situations and the grief  and pain were so hard. I wish I had this site 18 years ago when she first got ill.The thing that also helps me now is Alanon. It gives me the support to let go and let God when I am so anxious and worried. When the verbal abuse starts, I temporarily block her and the abuse has decreased .I heard someone say once “ as long as there is breath there is hope” so never give up on her recovery.
Prayers,
Tinkerbelle

[Hopeful456]

Thank you all so much. The Child protection Conference is today and I am feeling sick with anxiety. The purpose is to come up with a child protection plan to support her going forwards. My mum will be there but our own relationship can be complicated, and while I appreciate her support, there is an element where I also resent it as none of this is what I want and my mum can be (sometimes inadvertently) invalidating/minimising/undermining of the problem.  There is an element of her showing me how things should be done, which I am in no position to challenge right now as no one else is helping (practically) and my daughter's father has just had a new baby with his partner and lives 200 miles away. My mum and I had our own difficulties when I was a teenager (no way near this kind of scale and massively triggered by her and my dad splitting up) and I do regret my behaviours then and have apologised numerous times - but she will compare/bring it all up again and it's difficult to keep hearing.   

My ex can add to the problem to be honest as he will say things like "you're dead to me" and "you're no daughter of mine" and then block any way of her contacting him. He will then randomly decide to contact her again and they will go back to adoring each other.  Many of her behaviours are very very similar to his and his mother's.   

My daughter has made it clear that she doesn't want to continue to live with my mum and has expressed a clear desire to live independently in a bedsit of her own.  I would love to have her back at home and her twin is prepared to give things another chance/fresh start, but she currently blames me for everything and has made it clear I have scarred her for life and am mentally unstable/dangerous/bad etc. I would worry that she will ultimately feel rejected if we support her to live independently and that she would be vulnerable living alone. Funding in the UK is patchy/in crisis so it is unlikely she will be given a place in supported accommodation (as in Children's Services terms we are a supportive family) or a tenancy of her own due to her age. 

I haven't been a good parent at times and I have clearly made many mistakes. I have so many regrets but wallowing in them aren't going to help her or me. I also cling on to the belief that I have also been a loving supportive and caring mum most of the time.  Things haven't been easy (I was a single parent to them from the very start, have only had 2 2 year relationships during that time and have been single for nearly 6 years ). My ex and his mother are very hostile towards me and have caused many difficulties throughout the years; rejecting my son and calling him "mummy's little lap dog" and putting my daughter on a pedestal - she was the Princess. They also conspired to try and manipulate me to signing over the twins' child benefit to them so they could apply for social housing. During this time they targeted my daughter and told her if she lived with them, she would be treated like a princess and that I clearly preferred my son/her brother.

I also have 2 older children by a different partner and that in itself makes this situation so complicated. The fact that they are now adults living independently helps somewhat and things are now finally civil with their dad - nonetheless it still takes careful juggling/handling at points. And my older two believe that I have been a better mum to the twins than them. What can I say? I have been and that does make me sad for them all. I only ever wanted to be a loving mum with happy confident children.

It is a toxic mess and I have tried my best most of the time but I will own that it has all utterly defeated me at times and I have coped poorly with the situation. My eldest son has told me he is proud of how strong I have been and my eldest daughter is extremely angry with her little sister. She doesn't think she has a problem as such, but is just a horrible person. I have tried to push the "your sister isn't well" p.o.v but there are times when I have agreed with her that it could actually be that. I know this is disloyal and unhelpful but there's only so many times you can defend my daughter's behaviours and in the absence of a formal diagnosis I have floundered in the face of it all. It isn't just typical teen (they have all had their "moments"!)behaviour or a phase.   

I think I will pursue counselling as my own failings, guilt, regrets, shame are muddying the already tempestuous waters. I can't help this situation if I can't detach myself and my issues from it.

Thank you for being there. xx

[smallbluething]

Good luck with the meeting today. It sounds like you have a very complicated family situation to deal with. I hope something good comes out of it.

[Hopeful456]

Thank you, smallbluething. It is extremely complicated and I/my choices have contributed to it largely - which is a difficult pill to swallow. I have questioned my own sanity over the years - even before this situation with my daughter - and there have been times I have diagnosed myself with BPD as when I have been in the midst of horrible dysfunctional relationships, I have behaved poorly - abusively even. I have done a lot of hard work on myself (many long dark night's of the soul) and I own the damage I have done and am desperate to repair and rebuild.

I would pray - but I am not sure I believe in God. Sorry if this offends anyone with a committed faith. 

It's a mess and I have a big part to play in fixing it xx

 



   

[Huat]

Hello Again Hopeful 456

It takes a lot of guts to write what you have just written.  A lot of times we talk about our kids not taking responsibility for their own actions.  You, fellow Mom, are being an excellent role model.  What more can be asked of anyone other than when you know better, you do better?

None of us are perfect... .so guess you are fitting in here nicely.

I so hope you follow through with the counselling for yourself... .and I so hope you stick with us.

No judging happening here.  Wish I could give you a real hug but hope you feel this one... . 

Huat

[Only Human]

Hopeful456,

It's very clear you love and care about your children. Like all of us, we did the best for our children that we could. I agree with Huat, you are being an excellent role model for all of your children.

I'm glad you have the support of your eldest son, it's validating, isn't it?

How did the Conference go today?

I'm really glad you're here.

Take good care of you!

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hopeful456]

Thank you both. It means a lot not to be judged as I judge myself all the time.

The Conference reached the conclusion that she is at significant risk and will be subject to a child protection plan. This means that there will be another meeting to come up with a strategy and support will be given in the form of an allocated Social Worker and mental health support. Our GP suggested that my daughter could have a personality disorder and her designated Camhs (Child and Adolescent mental heath service)have put forward that she could also be on the Autism Spectrum.  My daughter has declined to come back home and all the reports there indicated that she blames solely me for all her issues. That was tough to hear and very sad. I went on record as owning that I have tried to help her but have also let her down by screaming and shouting at her and on one occasion physically hitting her. I wanted to validate her and take responsibility for ways in which I have not helped her.

I do not know what the future holds. Today I feel more numb than anything. I also feel a sense of anger that her father and paternal grandmother weren't even there. And that I carry the can for everything. It feels lonely and sad. 

[incadove]

Hopeful for what its worth I think you are much more caring and dedicated than I have been! I have two grown adopted daughters who had abandonment issues and I'm sure I made it worse with my stress levels when I had them - they still do not really trust me, I think, though I am proud of how they are learning to cope and trying in their lives.  I tried to keep learning but I also became more distant, and with much less provocation than you describe!

I'm not sure if you want advice, or just support in this terribly difficult period! And I'm not sure how much wisdom I have to offer, I think the key thing for me was trying to discuss principles with my dd that even if emotions are overwhelming we always should try to treat each other with some level of respect.  I think principles can be an anchor for people whose emotions are all over the place (as mine sometimes are!). 

The resources here are also incredibly helpful, especially (for me) the videos on validation and conflict resolution.  They help me focus on doing the right thing and acting in a way I can respect in myself, even when I feel angry or rejecting.  I do share my emotions with my dd's though, not sure if I should or not, but I try to do it in an informational way when I can - sometimes I certainly throw things at them, and I should work on that.

Non-violent Communication NVC is another resource I'm not sure is listed here, that I find really valuable.  Its basically a way to be real and validating of oneself in a conversation without violence even when emotions are very violent.  It helps to name the emotions, instead of acting out. 

Anyway you probably know much more of this than I do!  Like everyone has said, you are really being an excellent role model in taking responsibility and trying to do the right thing and caring about everyone.  Take care of yourself and take solace in that, that you are acting the best you can and trying to learn even more. 

Best of luck with everything! 

[Hopeful456]

Thank you, IncaDove.

I will most definitely look into those videos. I have always found researching and learning help me hugely. And moving forward I would like to learn better ways of coping. Ways that don't do further damage to my daughter and my self esteem.

I always feel vile when I have lost control of my emotions and all I end up doing is confirming her warped view of me. Any way I can learn to set boundaries - as much for my own behaviour than just hers - and have a bit of respect, dignity and self-control is good with me!

You know, this is all so sad. We were so close and I felt incredibly protective of her as she was very very different to her 3 siblings. They are all very academic, witty and lively and she was much shyer, more sensitive and very clingy. I tried to accept this but I did find it overpowering and while I never openly criticised her for being intensely clingy, she would have sensed my irritation at times and being so thin-skinned she must have been so hurt by it. I actually knew I'd hurt her at the time so if ever I was impatient with it, I would always apologise and say I was just tired, but sometimes the damage has already been done hasn't it?

 I felt for her as I could see she felt overpowered when her siblings were all discussing TV shows and current affairs - 2 things she has never been interested in -so I tried really hard to make her feel valued as an gorgeous quirky individual. Initially when she began mildly rebelling I was relieved and actually proud that she wasn't in her siblings' shadows and was finding her voice.

I'm rambling now. I think I'm just trying to make sense of a very intense 2 and a half years. I feel shell shocked and tired to my bones.

[incadove]

Hi Hopeful

I hear your deep sadness and regrets.   I had some of that too, especially the feeling that if I had only done some things differently, everything could have been better.   But, I think moving on is ok too, knowing you did the best you could do at the time, and are going to continue trying to learn and do your best now.

Which might mean, in some cases giving her some space to grow on her own, as long as she doesn't hurt herself or others.   She might learn more relating to others in the world without having you to blame. 

I don't think you should feel too bad for showing irritation.  Carl Rogers wrote a lot about the value of being genuine in the moment, not pretending anything you don't feel, and while he was also extremely gentle I think he would not have suggested to hide a real feeling. There is a piece somewhere on this site about not fragilizing our dds, validating their feelings but also not acting as though they cannot handle real responses.    Marsha Lineham has some wonderful books, including a workbook, and also there is one inspired by her I believe called Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Good luck on your journey, and hoping for the best in the long run 

[Hopeful456]

Thank you so much. I need to remember I have 3 other children who love me and want to spend time with me. I am going for a long dog walk with my eldest daughter today which will be healing.

I think I need to get past this spin cycle of regret, sadness and guilt. It's swirling me round and round and I'm exhausted. I can't only view myself through my youngest daughter's distorted lens.  There are other people in my life who recognise I have made mistakes but forgive me and want to enjoy being with me in the here and now.

I once read a quote that said "You're only ever as happy as your unhappiest child" and that resonates. But after the Conference my daughter (who had walked out during the course of it) went out quite happily to a party and then had 4 friends to stay the night at my mum's - while I was sat at home feeling like I had been beaten up. She doesn't deny herself access to friends and fun and I am doing nothing healthy by denying myself fun and friendship because I think it's not fair to be happy when she's not. She may be troubled but she has so much support and I have let myself have little. This has to stop in 2019.

This is going to be a long journey, and I can't do it alone. 

[JeanGenie]

Hi Hopeful,

Just caught up with your thread, I hope you are ok.

I just wanted to say that I too feel very guilty and really weird if I happen to have a moment when I'm not all consumed by the situation with my daughter. I have been thinking about this a lot recently. I suppose the New Year helps a bit - to try to look forward and do stuff 'for yourself'. This too, is hard!

But I do think this this is a good way forward. To enjoy things, and life in general while your (adult) child is out there - maybe in pain, or struggling, it takes some doing to accept that it is ok to have some happiness for yourself.

Doing nice things for yourself, and doing things that help you to feel better in yourself will help you stay stronger. I am (for the moment!), trying to do this myself! The stronger we are, the more able we can be in helping others - including our children. I am hoping this will be true for me. That if I look after myself, I will be in a better state to learn how to best help my daughter in the future.

You aren't alone, there are so many lovely people on here that will help.

Big hugs