Sorting through the confusion

[Philingood2]

I'm glad I found this resource. I've recently (about 6-8 months ago) realized that my wife of 5 years has several BPD characteristics. We have been going to counseling for about a year, following an affair that she had. I've also been doing tons of personal healing/therapy on my own. It's been interesting being able to detach emotionally from her behavior and prioritizing my own wellbeing, especially during our marital counseling sessions. I don't think the therapist fully understands the severity of my wife's illness, as she presents fairly well in session. I've started to set better boundaries in session though, usually when my wife is playing the victim by using fabricated or exaggerated to make me look like the bad guy or get what she wants, which seems to be helping the therapist cue into what's really going on because the anger that my wife responds with to fairly reasonable boundaries is so significant. Anyway, I'm glad I found a community of folks who understand what it's like living with this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Phillingood2,

There's nothing like loving a person with BPD to launch deep growth and healing! You cannot cut many corners on your own emotional health when your partner suffers from these traits.

How are you prioritizing your well-being?

It sounds like what you're doing in the counseling sessions is to introduce some reality testing. Another skill that can be useful is to encourage your wife to solve the problems she professes to have. Problem-solving is not typically something that people with BPD can do very well, especially when they are almost myopic about feeling victimized.

Glad you found the site  

[Philingood2]

Amen to that. This relationship has really been a catalyst for me to discover and heal many wounds that I didn't realize I had from my childhood. As far as prioritizing my own wellbeing goes, I'm eating better, working out, becoming more spiritually grounded, setting boundaries, dealing with my own shame triggers, etc.  Basically, I'm making it a point to take care of myself, in general, and I don't feel guilty about it. In the marital sessions I'm being more vocal about my boundaries, without being reactive or angry about it. There seems to be this assumption that I'll just go with the flow and pick up the slack where my wife falls short. Where in the past I would hop in and try to smooth over the conflict or "fix" the problem, now I try to voice what I can and can't do and let it be. I guess most importantly I'm not taking on all the responsibility for the outcome anymore or feeling guilty for what I can't control.

[ArleighBurke]

Excellent!

The Karpman triangle describes the 3 roles of victim, persecutor and rescuer. Removing yourself from the triangle by not being ANY of them, and guiding her (the victim) to rescue herself is the ultimate outcome.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201106/the-relationship-triangle

Well done!

[Philingood2]

Excellent!

The Karpman triangle describes the 3 roles of victim, persecutor and rescuer. Removing yourself from the triangle by not being ANY of them, and guiding her (the victim) to rescue herself is the ultimate outcome.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201106/the-relationship-triangle

Well done!

[Philingood2]

Thanks, ArleighB. The triangle is nice resource. I think I may be playing into the victim role more than I realize, as I do feel some resentment for having to actively breakout of this dysfunctional dance. And, even as I type that, I realize even that is sort of "victimy", as I do have many choices and am choosing to break the cycle, regardless of my partners response.

[Lockjaw]

I am a rescuer. It will be my undoing.