What to do upon learning your Ex who you want back may have BPD

[T-Bar]

Thank you, Coldknight,
That's helpful perspective. How long was it after you went no contact in July 2018 that you accidentally texted your exBPD?  How long was it until she responded and what was her initial response like?

In my case I haven't been given any ultimatum about not contacting her ever again.  In my mind the door is still open; not sure how she views this longest communications outage since we've known each other.  I'm doing all of what I can think of to understand what happened on our first go around and to make changes I need for myself and to be able to get back together with her if/when she pitches back.  Like you, I want to know I've done everything I could on my part to make it work.  Am noting how it was almost a year after you met her (again?) before you asked her to get back together again.  I know I'll need to take any reintegration with her slow, and keep all I've been learning in mind about BPD, etc.

It's been two month of no contact so far.  I feel at some point I'll want to reach out to her again (actually I feel that every day).  What response she'll makes remains to be seen, but may help me, help us, shape the way ahead, one way or the other.   And at least I'll know that I tried.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[ColdKnight]

It was only just over a week and she responded immediately but she was upset that i was talking about her to others. We texted back and forth over the next few days over the break up but she avoided giving me reasons why. 

She seemed to go cold one morning but then texted me a friendly flirty txt that night. The next night I texted her but instead of taking it slow I tried to rush things and ended up pushing her away again. I ran into her at work a week later and we talked on the phone that night and then texted later back and forth a few times. I texted something I thought was sweet and she never responded so I stopped reaching out.

After that we would run into each other once or twice a month or text once a month. From July 2018 to April 2019 we ran into each other or texted at least once a month and she seemed friendly almost flirty when I would see her but she would never text me after.

Yes it was about a year. There is a possibility that we could have gotten back together sooner but I was unwilling to pursue it. For instance she In October she didn’t return a call after I left a voicemail one time so i never called back or texted. Three weeks later she sent me a work question out of the blue. A question that could have been answered by anyone. I answered the next day very matter of factly and she responded with a pleasantly and I never sent anything else.

Maybe if i had been a little more friendly or reached out a little more things would have redeveloped quicker. I don’t really know. I was just unwilling to go the extra mile. If he stopped texting so did I.

One thing to note. Like you, she and I texted A LOT during our first go round. After the breakup I started watching all kinds of dating coaches who said texting ruins attraction and you should only text to set up dates. I tried this on the second go around and only texted once or twice a day. No major conversations.

I also tried to make dates whenever she reached out but it seemed like the more I tried to lock her into a date the more she would pull away. I think her fear of engulfment was stronger than her fear of abandonment.

Again I’m not convinced that there is anything I could have done that would have kept the relationship going. I could have done everything right (I did plenty wrong that’s for sure) and still ended up here...

[T-Bar]

Thanks for the amplification, Coldknight,
Yes, the push pull dynamic with pwBPD can be vexing and tiring.  Interesting that you perceive maybe her fear of engulfment overriding her fear of abandonment.  She knew you were there in the monthly interactions that took place but seemed unwilling to do more.

I did pursue a lot after our breakup, trying that logic and reasoning thing, which didn't work.  Then gradually decreased my reaching out, but was always responsive to her when she did which she did often for several months.  Then she reached out to this rebound, and so I went no contact.  It's a dice roll I suppose, choosing not to interfere with her decision and hoping she will ultimately realize that we are better together.  Time will tell if her decision or my decision works out best.  But it hurts to be like this...   
T-Bar

[T-Bar]

Having said that, I find it hard to deal with the anxiety I'm feeling, sweating it out in a way, while this rebound thing plays out. 

Am trying to keep myself busy but it's hard not to feel this anxiety and sometimes it is almost incapacitating.  Every minute seems like an hour, every hour like a day...

[I Am Redeemed]

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