Facebook humiliation

[hopeangel]

Hello,

I am just feeling heartbroken and humiliated atm as dd put a post on fb about how she hadn't had a relationship with either parent (she was adored by us and her grandparents, even her real dad lavished love on her before he went away to France!)

I come from a close family with strong family values and, although I know I must accept these skewed perceptions, they hurt so much at the time.

She said my parenting damaged her as I had ignored her symptoms until she ended up in hospital and then wasted money on travelling to visit her there every day.  It said 'I could do with her money now to enjoy my life with'.  and 'people should'nt do want they want in life when they have children' I might add here I am paying for her very internet to say these things on, also her gym membership and help with bills.  That's why I am in debt and must work so hard - I will not go down financially without a fight now, this to her is 'doing what I want'.   :'(

She blew £2,000 in a fortnight a couple of weeks ago, it was back-pay in benefits owed, she got clothes and stuff.  I havent spent a penny on anything but her and inviesting in my business for a very long time! Neither has my dh! 

She rang me to rant and I put her straight on to her brother as I was too upset to deal - he was great told her she is an adult now and what on earth more could she want from me than all I do she calmed down as she always listens to him, the upshot being she took the post down but people had already seen it and some are my friends and some are her brother's friends so I am feeling so humiliated.

I don't see my friends anymore as I have to work hard to pay back debts and see to dd and that's all I have energy for!

I know they know she is ill but I can't help thinking people may think 'she seems nice but you never know what went on behind closed doors!' IYSWIM  :'(

I am sick of having my history rewritten and made into some abusive dysfunctional situation, she often mentions the poverty she grew up in when actually myself and her grandparents indulged her so much she was a bit spoiled in reality.

I have been criticized by friends for not being firm enough with her durring her childhood because they 'wouldn't have it' from their children but I knew she was sensitive.

It seems though i was a self-serving ogre of Rose West propertions in dd's mind!

She ended her rant with 'as a result of her parenting I am broken!'

Well that's pretty much how I feel now myself, Im thinking of leaving her alone this weekend as i can't be validating or kind when I feel so hurt.

I don't know why this has affected me more than when she says nasty things to my face - I think it's because all those people who know me saw it and yet they don't know me 'well enough' to know the truth IYSWIM.  :'(

So sorry to be so negative it has really got to me this time!

Can anyone advise me on a way to move forward now and get things back to 'normal' given I feel so used and humiliated and I am clearly painted black for working so hard?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

dear hopeangel

HOw sorry I am that your dd chose to humillate you publicly... . my dd has also taken to social media to post things in the past. I have had to take her phone and limit her online time when things are really bad.

What do you plan to do going forward? How can this be avioded in the future? ARe you prepared to cut her internet service? Give her a warning that any public attack like this and you will stop payment?

I don't know how you get over the hurt... . for me I try to get perspective of the problem... . I step back... . I try to understand why she did this and how this is connected to her illness. I don't thik anything just happens so I wold look at what prompted her to attack? Is she feel abandoned? I think the best you could do is put some boundaries in place. I also think all we can really do is radical acceptance... . here is some advise from the family guidlines article... .




Don’t get defensive in the face of accusations and criticisms. However unfair, say little and don’t fight. Allow yourself to be hurt. Admit to whatever is true in the criticisms.

When people who love each other get angry at each other, they may hurl heavy insults in a fit of rage. This is especially true for people with BPD because they tend to feel a great deal of anger. The natural response to criticism that feels unfair is to defend oneself. But, as anyone who has ever tried to defend oneself in such a situation knows, defending yourself doesn’t work. A person who is enraged is not able to think through an alternative perspective in a cool, rational fashion. Attempts to defend oneself only fuel the fire. Essentially, defensiveness suggests that you believe the other person’s anger is unwarranted, a message that leads to greater rage. Given that a person who is expressing rage with words is not posing threat of physical danger to herself or others, it is wisest to simply listen without arguing.

What that individual wants most is to be heard. Of course, listening without arguing means getting hurt because it is very painful to recognize that someone you love could feel so wronged by you. Sometimes the accusations hurt because they seem to be so frankly false and unfair. Other times, they may hurt because they contain some kernel of truth. If you feel that there is some truth in what you’re hearing, admit it with a statement such as, “I think you’re on to something. I can see that I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry.”

Remember that such anger is part of the problem for people with BPD. It may be that she was born with a very aggressive nature. The anger may represent one side of her feelings which can rapidly reverse. (See discussion of black and white thinking.) Keeping these points in mind can help you to avoid taking the anger personally.

[chooselove]

Hi Hopeangel,

As someone who has been called vulgar names and told what a horrible parent I was on a couple occasions while out in full view public, I can identify with your humiliation. 

My inclination is not to punish or remove her internet, etc. and I will tell you why.   

The first time it happened to me I was horrified and ashamed and embarrassed and angry.  It is not at all my nature to fight in front of others so fortunately, I did not react to her in public although I really wanted to disappear and move to another town!  But I have found that giving a reaction leads to a sense of power in the BPD and once they see that they can hurt you with it, they tend to repeat it when they feel powerless and overwhelmed with emotion and frustration.

My encouragement would be to continue to conduct your life according to your highest principles and hold your head up high.  The key is to not let the  BPD's behaviors change who you are or how you feel about yourself.  This is the best way we can help them over time.  If we jump into the fray with them then they seem to feel all the more justified at what they have done and continue to throw blame our way.

My story is very similar to yours in that I have financially supported and rescued my daughter many times to the expense of other members of our family.  I always felt a combination of sorrow for her and guilt for my bad parenting.  She was ultra sensitive and clingy as a baby and child, too. Or at least, more sensitive than I expected or had been myself when I was young.  I cherish her sensitivity because I see it manifest in many positive ways as well. But when it comes to me, she is the judge and jury and extremely unfair... . and as you said, rewrites history to something I don't even recognize at times.

So, as difficult as this sounds, I encourage you to detach from her actions so as to not take it personally and practice shifting your thinking back to a good and steady place as quickly as possible. You will get better at this with time.   Your daughter is doing the best she can and right now.  And please know that plenty of people will see her public display as inappropriate and distorted.   She will come out of it quicker and better if you don't respond to it at all.  And if she sees that she gets no traction from you personally, it will have less power for her to humiliate you and she will probably get a reprimand or two from others on your behalf, either privately or in public. 

My daughter has treated money much the same as yours.  She always equates the money we spend rescuing her as money that could've been better spent giving her something else, and whenever she had a windfall of funds she spent the majority of it on take out food, frivolous items or people who took advantage of her sympathies.  Easy come easy go.   It's a tough lesson but they need to learn it.  They have no value of the dollar because they feel so entitled to what others have and do not appreciate the hard work and planning that went into acquiring the money to begin with.

I hope you can ride this out and feel better for not engaging or reacting or punishing.  One thing I've noticed about my BPD is that while there is a lot of outward demonstrations, there are also periods of deep reflection.  Even though mine will never admit to me personally that she was unfair, I will see in her actions that she has come around.   I'm really glad you have a son who is able to talk to your daughter, too.

[MammaMia]

chooselove

I believe you and I are on the same page.  My adult dBPDs has said terribly cruel and demeaning things about me to anyone who will listen since he was a teenager.  He also says them to my face.

It used to hurt my feelings but it doesn't anymore.  Why?  Because I know now this is a manifestation of his illness.

His father was a distant, verbally abusive parent.  Yet our son felt very abandoned when we divorced.  He refused to have anything to do with his father who remarried and moved on.  He told me he considered his father to be dead.  

I have been the one who has always been there for him. Supported him emotionally and financially through thick and thin... . yet I was the one he blamed for everything wrong in his entire life. It made no sense to me. I knew something was terribly wrong but did not know what until he was diagnosed with BPD. After researching the illness, it became clear that he was (and still is) focusing his hatred for his father toward me. His low self esteem and self-loathing play into the fact that he believes he does not deserve to be loved ... . so he tries very hard at times to push me away... . yet he is afraid I too will leave.

I have made it clear that I will not abandon him, nor will I enable him. I have learned to be strong in the face of raging and name-calling.  It is an effort in futility to try to win an argument with someone who has BPD. Often they just want to vent their frustrations, and the only safe person to do that with is the person closest to them. Stay calm and listen... . even when it is hard.

Bpd is such a complex mental illness. It is very important for those of us who love someone who is BPD to find the courage and patience to be steadfast and stable regardless of what our children throw at us.  We will never have a "normal" relationship with them, and we have to accept that.

Remember it is important to not only to be involved and supportive of your BPD child but to also care for and protect yourself from behavior they cannot control.  Cruel lies are hurtful.  Point this out and then let it go.

People who know you well will not believe what is being posted on social media.  Often those who criticize and blame us most for our child's bad behavior are totally ignorant of the fact they are disordered. Only those closest to pwBPD get to see their "real" personality. You may want to consider sharing the diagnosis, if you feel it is appropriate.  If not, ignore them.

It is what it is.

[hopeangel]

Thank you so much for all this advice!

I find one of the things about this illness is that it not only isolates the sufferer (or rather the behaviours of the sufferer result in isolation!) It can isolate us too, as sometimes it is just too hard to find the energy to connect with anyone else - my dd takes up all our remaining energy and we rarely socialise any more.

Some people know we have our hands full but I can't help feeling that friends we used to see will feel neglected and be a little hurt as it seems that we just drifted away.

Then on top of that they read something like that and I just felt (probably irrationally) that everyone would judge!

My dd apologised by text last night for the incident, I said I understood but it was very hurtful.  She then said that I was too sensitive and that she had just been attention seeking although she knew that was immature, she said I forget she has a disorder and she said I make too big a deal of things. I honestly rarely do but this was a bit different to me somehow!

I then read chooselove's post and decided to let it drop so I said 'yes I suppose I did expect too much from you, I know you struggle with the BPD and I will always support you no matter what! I said it had made me sad that she had seemed to forget her childhood with myself and my late parents but that that was my real sadness, that my mum wasnt here with us anymore!'

She said 'That's better and we will forget about it now!' as if it was me that had upset her!

Anyway that was that and its blown over pretty quickly but I still feel that I wish she had just ranted at me in private instead.  I know really that, I cannot control anything she does and radical acceptance is the way forward.  Im afraid my pride may have got the better of me in this instance, I have been brought up to believe that a reputation of integrity is very important and it hurt so much to have that trashed on facebook - incidentally I am only on there for business purposes however I doubt any of those contacts could see the rant!

Thank you jellibeans, Chooselove and MammaMia - you have helped me more that you will ever know, not least because you care but also your sound advice has enabled me to take my emotions out of the situation and put it to bed.

I am still learning things about myself through caring for dd, things that I would never have thought about, it makes you face EVERYTHING, strengths, weaknesses and everything in between, its all exposed!

Onwards and forwards now! 

[chooselove]

MommaMia... . wow, I feel as though you and I are living the same life only I have a daughter and you have a son.  That is very insightful to consider that your son may be taking his feelings toward his dad out on you.  I have had similar thoughts and I also think that my daughter blames me for what she has not accomplished in life because it is too painful to see herself as responsible for all these years that have gone by without much progress in her career or other goals.  If she can blame me, then she can tell herself that it's not her fault.  Sad reality is that blaming someone else keeps a person stuck.

hopeangel, I'm glad that things have blown over a bit.  Isn't it something how things can erupt so hugely and then seemingly dissipate.  Before I realized what was happening I used to be very shocked and puzzled by the rages. I couldn't imagine getting that angry with someone unless it was a very serious issue.  Then... . within a day or two, my BPD would call all cheery with a smile in her voice and no mention of the prior incident.

I appreciate what I've learned about BPD because it has helped me quite a lot in understanding and growing my compassion for what my BPD has to endure.  I keep telling my long suffering husband (not her father), "As difficult as this is for us, it has to be much worse for her to live with the anxiety and upset day and night."    But I confess there are still fleeting moments when I wonder what would happen if we just shipped them off to military bootcamp like the old days, .

My marriage has actually gotten stronger, too.  As my husband and I gain in skills of being better listeners and not taking things personally.  I have noticed we apply these skills to our own occasional disagreements and our communications have improved.

Don't despair, hopeangel, when you slip up.  We all do. Just forgive yourself quickly and see if you can do better next time.  That's what I tell myself anyway. I used to really beat myself up when I triggered my daughter.  It still makes me sad, but I don't come down so hard on myself any more.    I miss my mother, too.  She is also deceased.  She was a wonderful mom and grandmother and always had a way to make me feel better when my daughter had gotten herself into trouble.  I still talk a lot to her in my heart and mind and draw on her strength and encouragement.

[nanamama]

"We will never have a "normal" relationship with them, and we have to accept that." MammaMia

I think that right there is the crux of how to survive these periodic attacks.  And they have been only on social media or through text messaging for several years now.  I've learned that lesson over and over again.  I have no expectations of this simple, basic fact ever changing if there isn't something that changes in how my daughter thinks of herself, gets some kind of understanding and moves out of her denial concerning her illness and seeks intervention and help.

If I have those expectations when there hasn't been any change, I am to blame for my disappointment when things go the same way again and again.  That has been the most freeing for me.  It doesn't stop me from communicating with her when she tries to reach out.  However, I know that the end result will always be the same as long as she remains untreated and even then, should she get treated and maintain, it is still difficult.  I learned that with her father who is also BPD and did quite often comply with treatment recs.

What's different from my end is that I pull the plug much sooner than I used to.

As soon as she becomes abusive I tell her I love her, always will, but I won't be abused by her, verbally or otherwise.  She continues to escalate, I continue to say I love her and I hope she can find a way to get some help. She tells me to f-off.  Of course it is said by her with many, many more words than that.  Large blocks of unbroken containing no punctuation text.  Then it's quiet again sometimes for a very long time.  I lick my wounds, heal and rest up and get ready for the next time.

It's kind of a dance.  I know it's format, the steps, the music and rhythm and it doesn't surprise me like it used to.

[MammaMia]

Nanamama

I tell my son exactly the same thing.  I love him and that will not change.  He can hates me if he wants to.  Hopefully, during his lucid and calm times he can reflect on those words and draw some comfort from them.  The long and short of it is, pwBPD need some kind of anchor to reality.  

They analyze every word we say, every word we do not say, facial expressions, and body language.  They are highly intuitive and rarely trust anyone. Positive repetitive re-enforcement is necessary.

I think the door swings both ways.  Sometimes when the crazies strike, we need to hear ourselves tell them we love them as a reminder to us that we do.  Another reality check.

[nanamama]

He can hates me if he wants to.

MammaMia, I was talking with a very close friend/mentor last night and I'd told her something along the lines of this.  I'd told my daughter that it didn't matter how she felt about me, she could hate me, blame me, never talk to me again, whatever, but I would still love her, pray for her and hope she gets the help and support she needs to get well again.

My friend asked me this:  "Why would you give her permission to blame you, hate you, ignore you and disrespect you?"  I couldn't answer that question, but it did make me think.  I'm not going to do that anymore.   

[PyneappleDays]

Hi

I'm so sorry I know it stings.  Sometimes these things get soo worst before they get better to get worst again.  My favorite thing with my daughter is that after she puts something so hateful on fb then turns around says to me "So I'm so hungry and I miss our alone time.  Can we go Eastside Mario's, just you and me?"  Infuriating isn't the word.  I'll ask her and she'll say "No you know me you know what I went through."

They say all kinds of things they try to get you to believe it too.  She has said I abused her; her father told her to go kill herself, her step-father and I kicked her out; her brother told her everything was her fault.  Then she's surprised why no one wants anything to do with her.  She's happy only if you give her what she wants.  She will actually breakdown and cry.  She will use it to get sympathy too.  If it was up to her and I wasn’t wise to her games I’d be I debt up to my eyeballs and keep adaughtering.  Nothing they get will satisfy them.

[hopeangel]

Wow PyneappleDays - that is all so very true especially the bit where if it were up to them we would be in debt (and I am but a LOT wiser now!) The bottomless pit can never be filled.

MamaMia - my dd used to rage at me the anger she felt towards her real dad, she even told me so but she has kind of learned that about herself and tends to direct the rage his way nowadays but not always.

She is delusional at the moment and thinks that her real dad dislocated her wrists when she was a baby, I swear he never laid a finger on her and much as I dislike the man, I can't let her say that about anyone.

Oh this is SO hard! Thanks for all support everyone! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[chooselove]

My friend asked me this:  "Why would you give her permission to blame you, hate you, ignore you and disrespect you?"  I couldn't answer that question, but it did make me think.  I'm not going to do that anymore.   

I don't think we're giving them permission when we say this because we can't change them anyway. We are letting them know that their blaming, hating, ignoring and disrespecting does not affect our unconditional love for them.  It affects our boundaries... . but not our love. We are removing the power from those behaviors by letting them know we are detached and do not take their behaviors personally.

My adult BPD daughter is free to hate, ignore and disrespect me all she wants due to her free will.  This is not me giving permission. This is me accepting that the only person I can change is myself.  So change myself I did (finally!) and I no longer feel the pain and guilt she wishes she could inflict upon me with her statements and actions. I love her unconditionally with utmost compassion and still have boundaries in place. My BPD daughter has free will to judge my boundaries as being cruel and inhumane.  So be it.  As my therapist told me, the best help I can give her at this time (she has refused therapy), is to make myself healthy.   

[chooselove]

I didn't mean for my entire post to be in a quote box! 

[nanamama]

Chooselove, I think we are pretty much on the same page here.  I completely agree that my child is free to think and feel anyway she wants to, even express it out loud if that is what she wishes to do.  Free will and all that.  But I'm NOT going to allow her to vomit it all over me anymore.  Yes, boundaries, and when she starts all that hate talk, I'm disconnecting from it rather than passively saying, "that's okay sweetie, you can feel and say whatever you want.  It's your right."  I'm not going to do that anymore.  It's passive manipulation on MY part, and I'm not going to do that.  It usually illicits and even stronger negative response from her when I "let" her bash on me like that.  In other words, she is free to do all those things all she wants.  I'm just removing my active participation from the conversation when she does that. 

[MammaMia]

When our BPD children (and adult children) run off at the mouth and spew vile, hateful words, I always see my BPDs as a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum.  The BPD brain has no brakes, and they are not able to control this behavior... . just like a toddler.   

To detach and just walk away is crucial.  Never take their tantrums personally. 

[Dibdob59]

My concern is that whilst we may view our BPD children (many of whom are adults) as 3 year olds having a temper tantrum who else will see it this way?

The world in general will not accept such behaviour from them - their employers, colleagues, law enforcement etc. So what message are we sending our BPDs when we appear to tolerate it?

How are we helping our BPDs when we respond by just walking away?

What are we teaching them?  Are we showing them that there are repercussions to such behaviour or teaching them to take responsibility for their behaviour? 

I fear not.

[chooselove]

Well for me, walking away is far better than tolerating the long rages.  I think it's better for my daughter, too, because she will exhaust herself raging, screaming, regurgitating years of history non stop, catch her breath and start all over again, making hand motions like she's stabbing herself.  I can not teach her to take responsibility for herself.  She is beyond my teaching at this point.  I can, however, teach her that I won't sit and take it... . just like the rest of the world won't subject themselves to it.  She knows this and thus, does not have these rages with the rest of the world.  Most of the world knows her as exceedingly intelligent, big hearted, funny and very talented.   When I walk away during a rage, she quiets down, as there is no more audience.  That is teaching her something in my view. It is teaching her that she loses her audience when she blows up and behaves that way.  It's teaching me that I have the ability to take myself away from it, too.  I feel so much better having stopped listening to her for hours when she's on the rampage. I used to do that because one of her phrases is, "You never listen to me!" and even though I listened for hours before she ever said that, I wanted to prove to her that I was listening so I endured the tirades.    I will listen to the rages no more.   I fear not, as well.   

[MammaMia]

True. The rest of the world, in all likelihood, will NEVER see the raging and temper tantrums we see

because they are reserved only for those closest to pwBPD.  Others can view pwBPD as sometimes

eccentric or a bit odd, but fairly normal.  They have no clue what lies beneath the surface.

If you try to explain raging to colleagues, friends, and acquaintances of pwBPD, they will think you have lost your mind. They only see what pwBPD want them to see.

The raging will go on for hours with circular arguments that make little sense. Disengaging is the only way to end it.  

[Dibdob59]

Disengaging is what I have done for over 38 years, first with my UBPD/NPD husband and now with my UBPD son. 

I continue to do this as it is the only way to survive the onslaught.

However I would like there to be more to my (our) lives than just survival.  I would like for us all to have a life. 

A life that includes engaging with other people, such as holding dinner parties, having friends over for coffee, attending family gatherings (weddings, christenings etc), going on holiday together - any if these would be wonderful but will never happen because of their BPD issues.

A life whereby I would not have to witness my non DD retreating from life more every day in order to avoid having to explain to anyone about her family.  To not watch her lose two consecutive long term relationships because her partners could not accept/tolerate the raging behaviours from her father and brother.  It is slowly destroying her social life, her working life and my beautiful daughter herself.  I am watching it slowly day by day.  She is a shadow of who she once was. She has vowed never to have children having witnessed what BPD does.

Doing the simple things in life that many families take for granted will never be the norm for us.  We have become totally isolated as others are not comfortable around our family.

My beautiful, loving, funny, sensitive, lost, terrified, angry UBPDS cannot maintain a relationship and thinks it is the rest of the world at fault.  He has two children, a son aged 5 and a daughter aged 8 - I live in fear of this dreadful illness developing in them

So it is true that disengaging allows minute by minute survival from the raging and drama in that moment - but the dream when I gave birth to my two beautiful children was for them to actually have a life. 

They are not living.

[MammaMia]

Dibdob

We all share your pain here.  Every family with a BPD loved-one is suffering just as you so eloquently described in your post. 

I am sorry you have been through so much over the years. Please know you are among friends,

and we understand exactly how you feel.  It is ok to vent, in fact, we highly recommend it.  AND we all do it.  Feels so good.

There is strength in numbers, and together we can keep moving forward toward a better tomorrow

for pwBPD and those who surround them.  In the meantime, we pray for better and earlier BPD diagnosis and treatment options. We pray for support, and we pray for hope... . one day at a time.

Thank you for joining us.

[qcarolr]

Doing the simple things in life that many families take for granted will never be the norm for us.  We have become totally isolated as others are not comfortable around our family.

So it is true that disengaging allows minute by minute survival from the raging and drama in that moment - but the dream when I gave birth to my two beautiful children was for them to actually have a life. 

It is so easy to move into isolation when my family situation does not fit someone else's version of a 'normal life'. I yearn for that to be my 'normal life' also. This very yearning intensifies the isolation. Constant thinking about all I have lost -- that I never really had.

Finding the courage and strength to believe I can allow my grown family find their own paths, and forcing myself in the beginning to stop talking about my family issues, making myself do other things, limiting my BPDDD27 from being in our home, participating in new small groups in my church... . It is a day by day process to find ways to be kind a loving with myself.

The interesting thing is that as I do these things for my self-care others around me respond in more positive ways. I have found some level of acceptance that my 'normal' will always look different than others. I also do haver knowledge of the challenges faced in the other homes in my neighborhood. When I get small glimpses, start listening to others with my validation skills and validating questions most others have something in their family that feels yucky too.

Working through the tools at the right has been the most healing thing for a start for me. I hope everyone here can find some personal healing. It is amazing how this trickles out to our other family members and friends to open new ways of relating. There have been some miracles in my life. It is always a work in progress -- yes progress.

Do not give up hope.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[nanamama]

Finding the courage and strength to believe I can allow my grown family find their own paths, and forcing myself in the beginning to stop talking about my family issues, making myself do other things, limiting my BPDDD27 from being in our home, participating in new small groups in my church... . It is a day by day process to find ways to be kind a loving with myself.

That's the way to do it.  I've been quite fortunate that my two mentally ill kids live pretty far from me and because of their financial situations, there's not much of a chance of them knocking on my door.  We have a rule.  Zero tolerance for raging, drugging, drinking heavily and all the other happy crappy that comes with this illness.

Disengaging as well.  My counselor and several therapists have explained to me that when first my husband, then my son, then my daughter would rage at me, pick a fight with me or whatever lovely stunt they chose, they were actually looking for release.  Like a steam valve on a pressure cooker.  If I stop offering that release by not engaging in a fruitless nonsense filled argument, they will be forced to find somewhere else or someONE else to get that release from.  OR they might even consider that they can find a constructive way to do so like taking a bike ride, going jogging, cutting the grass, anything.  Still get that release, but use it productively and not in a way that causes mass destruction for them and everyone around them. 

It actually works.