Always accepting fault - helpful or hurtful ?

[LittleBrownBear]

I’ve written and deleted this a dozen times...

I need help. Should I always be taking responsibility for an argument? If I’m hurt by something he’s done I’m “painting a negative image” of him, & if he’s hurt by something I’ve done he insistently points out how he was the first one set off & I should take responsibility for it.

Whether an argument is my “fault” or his, he always expects me to apologize. THEN in times when I do swallow my pride & apologize (like tonight) he says it’s not good enough bc he knows that I’m only doing it bc he wants me to.

I’m just feeling confused and hurt and very frustrated. I’m an incredibly peaceful person but  I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I will say - It *is* hard for me in general to accept fault bc it’s hard for me to look at the fact that I may have hurt someone I love; BUT it feels very counterproductive to just let him blow things out of proportion then expect me to clean it up as if I’ve done it?

I’m looking to you to ask what you’ve learned has been the most helpful thing to do in situations like this...from a “health of the relationship” and also “taking care of his  BPD” standpoint. Do I always take fault or stay adamant when I know I’m not in the wrong.

I hope this all makes sense! Thanks for bearing with me

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[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Little BB-

Welcome to our community.  It’s a conundrum.  In my opinion, Part of the solution can depend on whether he’s diagnosed or not, and what he understands about BPD if he IS diagnosed; his level of self-awareness, and whether he can sit down and discuss things openly when he’s NOT in a dysregulated state.

Can you give an example of an argument?  Perhaps a she said / he said?

Sometimes we can validate the “feelings” without apologizing for things we have not “done”.

There are communication tools that can help beyond measure - the first I would look at is learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain); and the second is Validation.  For these Tools, look above under Tools, Workshops and scroll down.

In general, it’s not a good practice to apologize for things you have NOT done... sets a bad precedent.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes