Am I on the right track?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After coming to the conclusion for the second time, that my ex is BPD.  I’m feeling a little confused again as some stories on here I can’t relate to at all and then it gets me wondering if this actually is the issue or if there are further issues involved, if he is low functioning or high (I don’t understand these terms) or if he sounds like someone who has had some therapy in order to control his behaviours more than others or even its even BPD at all.

He has never been diagnosed that I am aware of, nor has he told me he has an illness. 

Traits that to me are indicative;

Grandiose story telling/compulsive lying.

Jealous over trivial things but he manages to hide this most of time and doesn’t confront me usually about his thoughts.

On and off relationship, won’t explain why he decides it’s not working, just stops answering communication.

Unreliable communication, my messages can go unanswered for days, and then he will appear like there has been no problem.

Periods of silence where he won’t communicate at all, and he knows I am becoming upset but still stays silent.

Secretive

Poor self body image

Complains of feeling unwell often or tired and burnt out.

Constantly keeps himself busy.

Can spend money he doesn’t have, likes to pay for everyone.

Wreck less driving

This was his first relationship and he has minimal friends.

Complains of feeling empty, guilty & emotionally/ socially challenged.

Social chameleon, adapts his personality to what is going/who he is with on at the time.

Earlier on the reltionship he accused me of things I hadnt done (he completley convinced himself  I had cheated and could explain situations in detail that never happened) but doesnt do this any longer.

Rarely apologises.

Things that are not indicative to BPD;

Never been violent towards me and rarely blames me for the relationship breaking down, there have been times where he has but I possibly have played some part. Most of time he says I’m great it’s him with the problem (he may blame me in his mind, but doesn’t say it).

No infidelity that I know of.

No self harming/suicide attempts (says its selfish)...

When he breaks up with me he doesn’t beg to come back or keep contacting me, I’m usually the one to contact him.  He becomes quite cold and determined to stick with his decision.

He maintains he loves me (although he has told me he has periods where he can switch this off).

He tells me to go and find someone else that he is no good, I deserve better.

I can talk to him about his moods and he agrees he is not normal, says he will look at getting help.

This is not an exhaustive list but things that I can pull from my mind at the minute and I know nobody here can disgnoise him, but any thoughts on if Im on the right track would help me.

Thank you

[Ruthy2]

After coming to the conclusion for the second time, that my ex is BPD.  I’m feeling a little confused again as some stories on here I can’t relate to at all and then it gets me wondering if this actually is the issue or if there are further issues involved, if he is low functioning or high (I don’t understand these terms) or if he sounds like someone who has had some therapy in order to control his behaviours more than others or even its even BPD at all.

He has never been diagnosed that I am aware of, nor has he told me he has an illness. 

Traits that to me are indicative;

Grandiose story telling/compulsive lying.

Jealous over trivial things but he manages to hide this most of time and doesn’t confront me usually about his thoughts.

On and off relationship, won’t explain why he decides it’s not working, just stops answering communication.

Unreliable communication, my messages can go unanswered for days, and then he will appear like there has been no problem.

Periods of silence where he won’t communicate at all, and he knows I am becoming upset but still stays silent.

Secretive

Poor self body image

Complains of feeling unwell often or tired and burnt out.

Constantly keeps himself busy.

Can spend money he doesn’t have, likes to pay for everyone.

Wreck less driving

This was his first relationship and he has minimal friends.

Complains of feeling empty, guilty & emotionally/ socially challenged.

Social chameleon, adapts his personality to what is going/who he is with on at the time.

Earlier on the reltionship he accused me of things I hadnt done (he completley convinced himself  I had cheated and could explain situations in detail that never happened) but doesnt do this any longer.

Rarely apologises.

Things that are not indicative to BPD;

Never been violent towards me and rarely blames me for the relationship breaking down, there have been times where he has but I possibly have played some part. Most of time he says I’m great it’s him with the problem (he may blame me in his mind, but doesn’t say it).

No infidelity that I know of.

No self harming/suicide attempts (says its selfish)...

When he breaks up with me he doesn’t beg to come back or keep contacting me, I’m usually the one to contact him.  He becomes quite cold and determined to stick with his decision.

He maintains he loves me (although he has told me he has periods where he can switch this off).

He tells me to go and find someone else that he is no good, I deserve better.

I can talk to him about his moods and he agrees he is not normal, says he will look at getting help.

This is not an exhaustive list but things that I can pull from my mind at the minute and I know nobody here can disgnoise him, but any thoughts on if Im on the right track would help me.

Thank you

[healingmyheart]

Ruthy2,  I'm probably not the best expert here to answer you but I can say that I also at times question whether my ex has BPD also since not everything is exactly as outlined in the books.  My ex never self harmed or was suicidal but he did admit that if he wasn't religious and didn't have a daughter to think about, he would throw in the towel.

There are different variations of BPD with overlays of other personality disorders such as narcissistic, antisocial, etc.  There is a "waif" version of BPD which if I understand correctly, they do not have rage issues.  High functioning BPD just means that they can function in society without anyone suspecting that there is a problem.  Other the people close to them see the personality disorder.  Low functioning means that the BPD person manifests symptoms externally and it is obvious they have issues. 

Not everyone is going to have exactly the same traits but based upon what you've listed, he has enough significant traits that it seems highly likely he probably does at least have elements of BPD. 

I think we all want to deny the obvious because we don't want to accept the fact that they have a serious problem for which there is no great resolution for.

[mango_flower]

Hi Ruthy2 - your ex sounds very similar to mine (even though she is female).  Like yours, there were never any rages, and there was a lot of underlying love beneath everything, no infidelity - and she has even shown some guilt/remorse.  So yes, it does get confusing!

Gut feeling here is BPD - no 2 people are the same, BPD or not.  But regardless of any label, there are still obviously issues to be addressed.

Even if there is a label applied, it doesn't mean that everything gets fixed (I so wish it did!)

What's going on with you now?  Where are you at with your ex?  What can this label help you understand? (I "get" it, I really do, just trying to help you think and make sense of it all) xxx

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Ruthy2,

I've been reading your posts and your ex sounds similiar to mine.  The break ups and then the reluctant get back togethers.  So painful to go through something like that.  It also sucks away your self esteem when someone can drop you on your head out of the blue.  It's a control tactic to keep you in line.  It is very dysfunctional.  My ex is BPD comorbid with NPD.  The BPD part played out by his belittling himself and having a very low self worth.  His NPD played out with his self absorbtion and his my way or the highway attitude.

When a partner can break up so easily, it is a hit to the self esteem.  When we reconcile with these types of partners, it is another hit to the self esteem.  With less and less self esteem, we become easier to control.  My ex was all about control.  It makes me sad to think about this, that he couldn't love me by building me up.  He loved me by tearing me down.  I had to go through a lot of counselling to build myself back up to be strong enough to say, no more.

Does that make sense?  :)o you know that you have a lot of value?  A person can treat a diamond badly but that doesn't take away the truth that a diamond has great value.  Your ex cannot define your worth because he is very dysfunctional.

[Matt]

Ruthy,

One aspect to keep in mind is that about half of those with one psychological disorder have another one (or more) too.  So that makes the diagnosis much more complicated, even for professionals who are working with data from psych tests.

If you think of it as ":)oes he have BPD or not?", you might kinda drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.  (Though that is a very reasonable question to wonder about!)

Do these behavior patterns seem pretty consistent over the years?  So the way he is, is pretty much the way he is?

And where are you at in your own decision-making process?

[Ruthy2]

Thank you for the replies!

Matt - Yeah most of the behavior is pretty much consistent, it was a lot worse funnily enough in the beginning (2 years ago), lot's more lies and blaming me. Now we have less untruths and blaming me but more silences and uncommunicative periods.

As far as where I am in the decision making process, I'm starting to find myself confused. After a week of silent treatment a week or so ago and the way that made me feel I was determined to never look back, but I'm now learning about BPD and I'm becoming aware there was a reason for this behavior, it is making me look at the whole relationship with different eyes.  If I'm really honest, I just don't know how I feel about things this week and I have left it with my ex to validate his thoughts if any. I may not even have a choice to make.

Rose Tiger - Thank you for you support, its helpful to know someone had a similar pattern in their relationship to mine and gives me faith I am on the right track with my thoughts on BPD.

mango_flower - I'm not sure where I am at right now, I guess my new found knowledge of this disorder has given me a different outlook on my life for he last 2 plus years.  I'm scared and overwhelmed at the side of my ex's personality he has been doing his best to hide and I just don't know if being in a relationship with BPD is way out of my depth but at the same time so many pieces of the jigsaw have now fallen into place and I'm not angry like I was.

[Rose Tiger]

It is a bit of a relief to know that it wasn't all your fault, that the person you loved was disordered/dysfunctional.  I fell down the rabbit hole of thinking he could get help for his issues.  This is very very difficult for a controlling person to do, they like being in control and their ways work for them.  They are not likely to give them up.

It's more the soft spirit that looks to get help, the nonassertive, conflict avoidant people are much more willing to get help and make improvements.

[Matt]

As far as where I am in the decision making process, I'm starting to find myself confused. After a week of silent treatment a week or so ago and the way that made me feel I was determined to never look back, but I'm now learning about BPD and I'm becoming aware there was a reason for this behavior, it is making me look at the whole relationship with different eyes.  If I'm really honest, I just don't know how I feel about things this week and I have left it with my ex to validate his thoughts if any. I may not even have a choice to make.

These seem like the key issues to me.

Do you have a good place/time/person to work through these thoughts and feelings, and get to a more solid place?

But I don't understand what you mean by "I may not even have a choice to make."... .  ?

[Ruthy2]

No not really Matt, Ive not spoken to anyone about this, wouldnt know where/how to start. I have a T but she is concentrating on me solely, maybe I could mention more on the relationship to her.

I may not have a say in the decision making process, if he decides staying in contact with me is more than he can handle then I accept that and the lack of communication at the moment is indicating that will moe than likely be the case.

[Matt]

You're paying the therapist to help you, so you can tell her what will be helpful.

Since the relationship issues are really important right now, I would certainly tell the therapist that they are causing you a lot of stress, and that's where you want to focus your time with her.

My therapist was a huge help when my marriage melted down.