facebook status

[healingmyheart]

OK, so it's actually been close to two weeks since my ex and I have been apart. when we were together, he NEVER did facebook.  In fact, he hated it and complained constantly about me doing it.  Now I see where he has added like 8 friends and is making comments on mutual friends pictures. We are no longer friends because I deleted him as a friend when he kept trying to communicate with me through Facebook which is silly because he still can send me messages.

Do you stay friends with your ex or defriend them?  I'm curious if he changed his status yet from relationship to single or maybe complicated.  I feel like I'm in high school worrying about something so stupid.  I just find it curious that he is now using facebook and wondering why... .  I have to admit most of the 8 new friends are women so I guess I would be amiss to notice that this is a way to reach out to yet more women and have more emotional affairs.  Does it ever end?

[glacier_glider]

I don't have a FaceBook account but there is another social network site where she and I are registered. Until late last week I would log in every night and look at her profile to see what song she added (this would reflect her mood), to see when she logged in last time (this would tell me whether or not she spent the evening with the new person).

This is not true NC and I WANT NC because it helps.

So I don't do this any longer.

[sunrising]

If you're trying to detach, don't just defriend, block.  I say this from experience.  NC is a tool for you to detach.   If you're still checking up, that won't help you detach. 

Just giving unsolicited advice, but I'm a month in and blocking EVERYTHING has helped me.  When I could check up, I did so obsessively.  It didn't help.   

[Matt]

I think there are a lot of aspects to getting emotional distance.  "Emotional distance" doesn't mean hating him, or talking trash about him, or making excuses for his behavior... .  it means taking a step back, away from the relationship, and then another one, and another... .  

I think you can probably set Facebook so you don't see him at all.  If not, you can just delete his messages, or ignore them.

If there is a reason you need to stay in touch with him, e-mail is probably best, because it leaves a good paper trail.  If there is no practical reason you need to stay in touch with him, maybe just step back and communicate with other people.

It doesn't have to be a big drama;  if I see my ex around town, I can say hi and just keep walking.

But no, I wouldn't friend her on Facebook or take any steps to reach out to her at all.  I wish her well, just like I wish everybody well, but I have chosen not to be involved with her, except when it's necessary because of the kids.

[healingmyheart]

I know, I know, I know... .  but it's so fricking hard to just let go of everything all at once!  I'm detaching and I know he's poison but I have no life outside of him.  Where do I go from here?  I know you don't have the answer but I don't either.  Kinda scary esp. at my ripe age of 52 to be starting over. 

[Matt]

Yeah, I had the same experience - two steps away and one step back forward.  I even invited my stbX - who had accused me of assault and put me in jail! - to Thanksgiving dinner that first year.  Seems sensible at the time.  Now I wouldn't even consider that.

It does take time.

Who or what is there that you can move toward?

[healingmyheart]

I lost my husband 3 years ago to a horrific illness.  Two months later I lost my mom.  Now after a two year serious relationship (we were talking marriage... .  thank goodness, we didn't), that's history. 

I have my daughter and she is my life.  She will be gone and off to college in a year so I guess I've got a year to get a life... .  

[Mountaineagle]

It is a process. I started trying to do No Contact in the beginning of January, and No Contact meaning me not checking in on her. I could not do it and every time I did I got hit pretty hard by memories, ruminations, anger, speculations and all that jazz. Two weeks ago I finally blocked her after a break down on my birthday. After that I just did not want the pain, and that started my true no contact. Before that I didn't KNOW it was for my own benefit. These two weeks have been a long needed break from everything about her. Now I am back to wanting to search for her, but I won't do it because I don't want to feel down again. The precious break I have had has done me so good that I do not want to ruin it. I am battling the urge right now as I am writing this. Two steps away and almost falling forward    

[AllyCat7]

Ahh gotta love good ol' FB, a BPDs best friend . I actually deleted mine off my FB twice in our r'ship. The first time because he had wayyy too many girls on his page and it made me uncomfortable. Then I re-added him later. Then I deleted him after our first breakup, which upset him. He was using it to play games, which I didn't like. He was also using it as a means of control (if he didn't see any new guys or any activity on my page, he would assume I was all his and neglect me.)

We eventually got back together, but I didn't re-add him, although he wanted me to. We were not on each others' FB the entire second year of our r'ship and I think it was for the best. But he was still sometimes using it to play mind games and, I hate to admit it, I did it a little bit, too (which I regret). I think deleting him while we were still together made him lose trust in me, so I  kind of regret that, but I didn't know what else to do! He re-added me this past January, a week after he gave me a "we're just friends" talk. I saw one girl was all over his page for the past few months (the same time he was giving me scraps) so I called him out on it and he deleted me haha. I didn't mention it or re-add him. I think he regrets deleting me b/c I know he is checking my chat status through a mutual friend's account. Oh well. He shouldn't have deleted me then .

I haven't written him off 100% yet, so that's why I have not blocked him yet. He does still use it to send vague messages to me through mutual friends' pages, which is weird. But anyway, the moment I write him off from my heart 100%, I think I will go ahead and block him. I don't want him to see my online activity, especially if I'm writing on other guys' stuff. If you guys are 100% through, I def recommend blocking him, at least temporarily. It will be like ripping the bandaid off quickly. I wish I were in that position right now.

[AllyCat7]

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