She visited the city last week.. feel awful

[lookouthewindow]

Hi all, I guess you could say I haven't had the best of weekends.
I split up with my ex around a year ago and have struggled to move on despite doing the good things that everyone says. I had been feeling better recently until I found out she was visiting my city with her new bf and I just feel sick with anxiety and not being able to sleep.
The reason I split from her is because we moved apart (not far - a few hours) and I felt I was making all the effort, visiting, sending cards/flowers etc. Also she did have some mental health issues which she didn't work on, OCD, anxiety and depression but culminated in some hallmarks of BPD - mood swings, unable to take criticism, highly emotional, projection etc. This was part of the reason for her moving as she struggled with city life.
One of the other reasons I split from her was also that she said she wasn't going to visit me (although she later said she didn't mean to say it and she would visit, but with no timeline or further clarity than that). When I found out she was seeing someone last year it also hurt me deeply and I felt sick. I think what hurts so much now, is that she has come to visit the city but with her new bf even though she couldn't come to see me when we were together. Its almost like a kick in the teeth. Why couldn't she have done this a year ago?
I didn't sleep at all last night and have taken the day off work as a result. I feel utterly awful and just want to cry. She seems so happy and I feel like all the efforts I made were just in vain. I miss her like crazy and even though I ended the relationship, I really didn't want to. I felt like I had no choice at the time and I regret doing it now. Has anyone else had something similar happen or has any input into how to get over this?

[Mutt]

Hi lookoutthewindow,

She seems so happy and I feel like all the efforts I made were just in vain

Don't measure your self worth with your ex.

The reason I split from her is because we moved apart (not far - a few hours) and I felt I was making all the effort, visiting, sending cards/flowers etc. Also she did have some mental health issues which she didn't work on, OCD, anxiety and depression but culminated in some hallmarks of BPD - mood swings, unable to take criticism, highly emotional, projection etc. This was part of the reason for her moving as she struggled with city life.

                  
You have valid reasons to break up with her, if she's not getting help for her mental illness things are not going to get better, it was a wise choice.

Do you feel like this feeling is going to pass once that she leaves the city? Let's say that she visits again you'll probably be further down the road with your healing and it won't affect you as much.

[vanx]

I identified with your post alot even though our stories are a little different. Just wanted to say I'm struggling to get over my ex afterna year and we were only together a month or two.
I identify because I still have to see her regularly and I go through agony every time I do. She moved on quickly and though she suffers from BPD, she never seems to actually be struggling much. Not that I want her to suffer at all, but one thing I have learned is she is very skilled at coming across to others the way she wishes to seem, something like your average social media account.
She wasn't meeting your legitimate needs. You did the right thing. I have not gotten over it myself but I think no contact seems like it helps a lot of people. You yourself said you had been feeling better, so consider this a temporary setback, buddy. I know I have been thinking of leaving my job in order to fully heal myself.
One thing that helps me at times I find myself clinging to what could have been is simply the old saying "if it's meant to be, it will be". Sounds cliche, but that way yiu can surrender the struggle. Free yourself and be ready to meet the real deal!

[lookouthewindow]

Hi thanks for the responses. I do feel much better now actually, and as you say perhaps it was just a temporary setback.

I can certainly relate to your point around coming across as pretty normal. None of my friends and family would have guessed she had issues and even her work colleagues. I guess what upsets me is I enjoy travelling and she would always make excuses not to go such as work and stress.  Now she is constantly travelling, again its like she is trying to make a point.

I agree I made the right choice, its just sometimes your mind says 'did you'? Or 'were you to blame and not her.' I think of the what if's a lot.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lookouthewindow,

I can understand how this would play on your mind.  How are you aware of her movements may I ask?  If it is through the use of social media for example, or through mutual acquaintances, would she have an awareness of your knowledge on her activities?

I guess what upsets me is I enjoy travelling and she would always make excuses not to go such as work and stress.  Now she is constantly travelling, again its like she is trying to make a point.

There is always the possibility that she is simply doing something new, perhaps because she has other motivators that were not present for her previously.  We can't really know what they might be.  People's lives change, sometimes they overcome personal obstacles and limits and learn that things they were against the idea of are actually alright with them.  It really could be quite innocent and co incidental. 

What strikes me is that you are showing an interest in what she is doing and that doesn't appear to be serving you.  We all get there in our own time and there will always be potential triggers that could set us back, but could you divert your attention from what she is doing if this isn't helpful for you to know?  If she is with someone else and busy living, doing things she normally wouldn't have, how are you spending your time for your own benefit and growth as a person?  What things are you achieving for yourself? 

The best way you can use this time away from her is in improving your own life and giving yourself the love you had been giving to her.  Healing is not a linear process, and there will be setbacks, so be kind to yourself and identify where you most need to invest in you right now.  It's a worthwhile endeavour.

Love and light x       

[vanx]

Hi thanks for the responses. I do feel much better now actually, and as you say perhaps it was just a temporary setback.

I can certainly relate to your point around coming across as pretty normal. None of my friends and family would have guessed she had issues and even her work colleagues. I guess what upsets me is I enjoy travelling and she would always make excuses not to go such as work and stress.  Now she is constantly travelling, again its like she is trying to make a point.

I agree I made the right choice, its just sometimes your mind says 'did you'? Or 'were you to blame and not her.' I think of the what if's a lot.

Don't let me come across as someone with all the answers--I am stuck on the what ifs constantly. I get how it hurts that now she is traveling, where she wouldn't for you. I would be hurt too. Just be good to yourself and don't take it as there being something wrong with you. Both of us have the same job. We have to move forward. I like HQ's point about giving the love to yourself. You deserve that. I am glad you are feeling better!

[lookouthewindow]

I know through a mutual friend but have been thinking about cutting contact with this friend to be honest, because I don't think it helps.

I also question whether she behaves the same way with her new partner as she did with me. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't always hard work but she herself admitted she knew she was difficult. Its weird I have never missed any of my ex's apart from her.  I kind of wish we could turn back the clock and go back to the first 3 months of the relationship when we went on holiday and had such a great time together. Wishful thinking huh