This Constant Debate With Myself. Someone is Going to Loose, And it Will Be Me

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Like all of you, I am in a constant debate with myself over my ex BPD GF.

18 month relationship

She broke it off 4 months ago

She has a replacement bf.

I've been through it all, everything everyone has  listed... .Except... .Stalking, and recycle... .yet.

And yes... .The sex was great.

Funny thing... .near the end of the relationship, we would start to mess around and she would just take off her clothes and say " Put it in" !

She was into it... .But... .

One side of me wants her back in my life. She is a drug for me. And believe me, I have gone through full detox the past few months.

I am willing to actually take her back in a limited way, my boundaries, only seeing her on a limited basis... .Even if she dates other guys. Crazy !

Yes, I know that that's wishful thinking on my part.

FYI... .at this point I have no anger towards her. Really. I released all my anger 60 days ago when I finally figured this / her out.

I understand she has a disorder. Period.

No jealously as well... .Ok just a little.

I can rationalise all her behaviour and compartmentalise it. It also helps me to detach from her.

It was not personal.

But... .The other part of me KNOWS I can NEVER have a real relationship with her, the kind of relationship I need in my life. She had a disorder.

In fact, from day one I knew she was not for me long term, I didn't want to live my life with her chaos. But she is soo hot !

Here are things she said / text me and I just didn't get it. I didn't know about BPD.

Sex:

Dominate me in bed, Have your way with me, Rough me up a bit

Call me a ___

Emotions:

I love you and I'm in love with you.

Making love to you and you making love to me... .it's love !  So gentle, so consuming, so passionate, so deep moving.

I felt abandoned by you when you left

I want to be loved profusely, I want the fantasy !

I love you, but I'm going to leave you one day and find what I want.

You can never have me

No one knows me... .Trust me... .No one !

You are angry with me

I don't think you like me.

Accusations:

You're cheating on me

You have a girlfriend out of town

Apology:

Yes, I acted like an ass last nite. The worst part is that I don't remember a thing, just screaming at you for nothing

------

I know I have more pain coming my way. I just need to choose my poison !

Pain # 1. The pain of finally REALLY accepting what is, finally ending my plans to reunite with her, and my moving on. But having regrets for not trying one more time.

I finish detoxing from her and I am once again on my way to recovery.

Pain # 2

I let her recycle me, I try to set my boundaries, but I fail, it lasts for a short while. I experience more excruciating pain. Detox all over again, and I am back here once again on my way to recovery.

Either way... .I have pain coming my way. This I know. It's how much and how I handle it.

This hopefully will be the final dose of pain.

And the debate with myself continues... .

[In Pain]

Like all of you, I am in a constant debate with myself over my ex BPD GF.

18 month relationship

She broke it off 4 months ago

She has a replacement bf.

I've been through it all, everything everyone has  listed... .Except... .Stalking, and recycle... .yet.

And yes... .The sex was great.

Funny thing... .near the end of the relationship, we would start to mess around and she would just take off her clothes and say " Put it in" !

She was into it... .But... .

One side of me wants her back in my life. She is a drug for me. And believe me, I have gone through full detox the past few months.

I am willing to actually take her back in a limited way, my boundaries, only seeing her on a limited basis... .Even if she dates other guys. Crazy !

Yes, I know that that's wishful thinking on my part.

FYI... .at this point I have no anger towards her. Really. I released all my anger 60 days ago when I finally figured this / her out.

I understand she has a disorder. Period.

No jealously as well... .Ok just a little.

I can rationalise all her behaviour and compartmentalise it. It also helps me to detach from her.

It was not personal.

But... .The other part of me KNOWS I can NEVER have a real relationship with her, the kind of relationship I need in my life. She had a disorder.

In fact, from day one I knew she was not for me long term, I didn't want to live my life with her chaos. But she is soo hot !

Here are things she said / text me and I just didn't get it. I didn't know about BPD.

Sex:

Dominate me in bed, Have your way with me, Rough me up a bit

Call me a ___

Emotions:

I love you and I'm in love with you.

Making love to you and you making love to me... .it's love !  So gentle, so consuming, so passionate, so deep moving.

I felt abandoned by you when you left

I want to be loved profusely, I want the fantasy !

I love you, but I'm going to leave you one day and find what I want.

You can never have me

No one knows me... .Trust me... .No one !

You are angry with me

I don't think you like me.

Accusations:

You're cheating on me

You have a girlfriend out of town

Apology:

Yes, I acted like an ass last nite. The worst part is that I don't remember a thing, just screaming at you for nothing

------

I know I have more pain coming my way. I just need to choose my poison !

Pain # 1. The pain of finally REALLY accepting what is, finally ending my plans to reunite with her, and my moving on. But having regrets for not trying one more time.

I finish detoxing from her and I am once again on my way to recovery.

Pain # 2

I let her recycle me, I try to set my boundaries, but I fail, it lasts for a short while. I experience more excruciating pain. Detox all over again, and I am back here once again on my way to recovery.

Either way... .I have pain coming my way. This I know. It's how much and how I handle it.

This hopefully will be the final dose of pain.

And the debate with myself continues... .

[Trog]

Not had enough yet hey?

I wish someone had run an intervention for me but the truth really is you just havent had enough until you have and in that way, yes, it's like drugs or alcohol addiction. I recall a story I was told by an alcoholic friend who one day had been picked up by her mother from the toilet floor in a pile of her own vomit after years and years of drug addiction and her mother said to her "Have you had enough yet" and she just burst into tears, she had, finally. This is going to cause you pain, and you don't even know how much pain it will cause or whether you'll be able to handle it. That hot sex could lead to pregnancy or any number of other unexpected problems in your future, and while you're playing this game you could be healing and on your way to finding the right woman for you. I know you're not going to listen, but all the same, go for hidden option #3, pull your pants up and think with the head on your shoulders. Either way, good luck!

[Blimblam]

She didn't break your heart?

[myself]

I know I have more pain coming my way. I just need to choose my poison !

Pain # 1. The pain of finally REALLY accepting what is, finally ending my plans to reunite with her, and my moving on. But having regrets for not trying one more time.

I finish detoxing from her and I am once again on my way to recovery.

Pain # 2

I let her recycle me, I try to set my boundaries, but I fail, it lasts for a short while. I experience more excruciating pain. Detox all over again, and I am back here once again on my way to recovery.

Either way... .I have pain coming my way. This I know. It's how much and how I handle it.

This hopefully will be the final dose of pain.

Someone is going to WIN, and it will be you.

You need to be done with poison, not taking more of it.

"One more time" can become an addiction in itself.

Both options you posted include detoxing on the way to your recovery.

You can stay stuck, repeating patterns, or free yourself from this.

The more you let go/find relief, the less pain there will be.

[fred6]

But... .The other part of me KNOWS I can NEVER have a real relationship with her, the kind of relationship I need in my life. She had a disorder.

And therein lies the dilemma that some of us face. We want something that we know we can't/won't ever have on the terms that we need for a healthy future. Not a good feeling to know this.

[In Pain]

You are all so right... .And I know this. I really do.

Longing for her, being on this website, thinking about her all day long... .it's constant... .It feeds my addiction.

And I'm really tired of it.

Hi, my name is ?... .And I'm an addict !

( it's actually taken me 3 months to get my sense of humor back )

[Pingo]

Seeing what some of the guys have gone through on this board, their ex spewing hatred, lies and accusations of abuse, being physically threatened by the ex or someone associated with the ex, and having no one, including the police, believe them that they were the one that was actually abused because they are the man... .this is very risky getting involved again with a woman with BPD.  Some of the guys have even been arrested based on the woman's lies!  Not worth the risk IMO!

I am a woman but I know all about the addiction.  And as with any addiction, the strength of the pull of it lessens with time.  Just keep working at your own healing, keep your focus on yourself.  Do you have support other than this board?  A T is very helpful in the recovery work of addiction.  I'd say almost crucial.  Mine actually specialises in relationship addiction.  You CAN be the winner here!

[fred6]

You are all so right... .And I know this. I really do.

Longing for her, being on this website, thinking about her all day long... .it's constant... .It feeds my addiction.

And I'm really tired of it.

Hi, my name is ?... .And I'm an addict !

( it's actually taken me 3 months to get my sense of humor back )

And actually if you think about it, your ex is really the one that will lose in the end. She lost out on your love for her. You and I may feel the pain and loneliness for a while. But think about how our ex's are going to live jumping from guy to guy being a human mattress for the rest of their lives looking for something that they're never going to find. HAPPINESS!

[In Pain]

Actually that right there is what really saddens me.

If I'm not the one for her, that's ok... .but her constant cycles, chasing what can't be caught, a fantasy that doesn't exist... .A lifetime of pain.

That is what saddens me most because in the end I really do wish her happiness.

[fred6]

Actually that right there is what really saddens me.

If I'm not the one for her, that's ok... .but her constant cycles, chasing what can't be caught, a fantasy that doesn't exist... .A lifetime of pain.

That is what saddens me most because in the end I really do wish her happiness.

She'll never find happiness. The human mattress bothers me too bro. But what can we do about it? I just drink and try to numb the pain.

[shellbent]

You are all so right... .And I know this. I really do.

Longing for her, being on this website, thinking about her all day long... .it's constant... .It feeds my addiction.

And I'm really tired of it.

Hi, my name is ?... .And I'm an addict !

( it's actually taken me 3 months to get my sense of humor back )

It feels like I'm holding on to something that never really existed.

I want to get that (memory of a) feeling back that I once had with her.

But all of it now is so fleeting, I have grown tired of holding on for the both of us. In my head I know that a long term r/s with her would not be satisfying, she has no capability to be there for anyone else, rarely even herself. And I was willing to pick her up and that was something I was happy to do, but instead of her letting me help her, she just tripped me and tore me down.

Sometimes I think of my ex and I imagine her in a really scary mental institution setting and I just think of all the lingering messed up freaky thoughts that people are having. And if she (and I) belong in a place like this, it really breaks my heart and I get this feeling of absolute despair and no place for hope in the future.

For some reason I want this whole memory of a person to play into the story of the greatest loss in my life, I don't actually know if what I felt was real or not.

But since I wanted it so much to be real I guess I believed it was.

So now I can't tell what is real and what is fantasy.

All I know is the pain is definitely real, sometimes manageable, but all too real.

Even with knowing all the facts in my mind, my heart still wants to say, but you will never know if you didn't try... .