I am so disgusted with myself

[WhoMe51]

I broke NC after 4 weeks.  I saw her and we started talking again.  I thought I knew her ways but there is something about her that I just can't let go of.  She has done so many mean things to me.  Said so many mean things.  Angry with me and I keep going back.  She and I are together now and  I am disgusted with myself.  She is more of an addiction than anything else.  Things are good right now but I know she will split me and it will turn bad.  I wish that during these times I would turn and run.  But I don't.  I stay.  I try to reason with her and convince her that we can make it.  I have been seeing a Therapist for over a year now and she tells me over and over that this is the way she is going to be.  She isn't going to change no matter how much I love her or care for her.  This is such torture.  This is really getting old and I know what to do but I don't do it because I don't believe I have the strength to do it.

[MissyM]

I am sorry, yes it is like an addiction.  I find that my support groups that deal in codependency help, Al-anon is a lifesaver.

[nownotsure]

I broke NC after 4 weeks.  I saw her and we started talking again ... .  Things are good right now but I know she will split me and it will turn bad.

I know the feeling. It is really hard to resist the temptation of getting back together, and it's only human nature to hope that somehow "this time" will be different. However, if you've gone back in with the belief that she'll just "split you black" once more, you may be unintentionally setting yourselves up for failure.

Maybe your girlfriend's behavior won't change much. However, someone with BPD will tend to perform well in an environment that is both stable and accepting, and where there are well-defined and easily met expectations. So nothing's impossible, and that's another area where your therapist can help you.

It might also help if at some point down the road you can get your girlfriend into couple's counselling with you.

All the best to you and good luck!

[Split black]

I broke NC after 4 weeks.  I saw her and we started talking again.  I thought I knew her ways but there is something about her that I just can't let go of.  She has done so many mean things to me.  Said so many mean things.  Angry with me and I keep going back.  She and I are together now and  I am disgusted with myself.  She is more of an addiction than anything else.  Things are good right now but I know she will split me and it will turn bad.  I wish that during these times I would turn and run.  But I don't.  I stay.  I try to reason with her and convince her that we can make it.  I have been seeing a Therapist for over a year now and she tells me over and over that this is the way she is going to be.  She isn't going to change no matter how much I love her or care for her.  This is such torture.  This is really getting old and I know what to do but I don't do it because I don't believe I have the strength to do it.

I know the feeling about being disgusted with yourself. But having been split black 4 times... . this last one was it. She painted me blacker then night and is with my replacement... . and she has 3 more in her pocket for sure. Cheating, lying, manipulating user.  I haven't seen her for 20 days and 9 days of NC which are brutal beyond relief. I want her to beg me back, but thats not happening. I wish I was 4 weeks already... .    I wish you the best of luck, maybe you can be the only success story on this board ... .

[MissyM]

And like any addiction, it really takes at least 90 days to detox from.  Hang in there!

[nj413]

I feel the same way. I broke away a month ago. We have talked within three days after I left. I felt bad for leaving. I didn't want too but at the time I only felt like it was the thing to do. It is the first split for me from her. I don't really want to be in a relationship that is break up and make up constantly. She is the type to stay in the relationship. However, while in the relationship she can't really be there for me. Some days are better than others. We attempted the couples counseling. That lasted like twice before an argument happened and she didn't want to do that anymore. All I want is to be back with her. We talk very little. ITs more on her side for not talking because she appears to have better things. She is also good at splitting her life. She is out of state now and doesn't want really anything to do with me. She will shoot a text here and there to say, hi. Its just enough to make me want to hold on and hope for the best.

Anyways, I shared that because I wouldn't feel disgusted about your situation. That is the problem when you love someone. You want to be there for them. No matter how bad they may treat you. Best of luck.

[Aussie0zborn]

I did the same thing and could have written the original post myself. The result of giving in was to set myself up for a massive attack - financial and physical.

It gets worse the next time around. Look at curing your addiction and then run as fast as you can.

[ugghh]

Stay in therapy.  Keep coming back here.  You are not the first, nor the last to take back our destructive mate.   But yes eventually she will hurt you hard enough to make you leave for good.

[WhoMe51]

Thank you for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. I do admit I am addicted to her. I think I'm addicted to both the good times and the bad ones too. It's like I'm trying to convince myself that it will get better and that it's really not that bad. We have recycled so many times that I can't even count. Each time I tell myself that's it I'm through. But then I go back when she apologizes without any commitment to change or make it better. Then the next blow up occurs and here we go again. Nothing I do seems to make a difference. 

[Take2]

The addiction is real... . and it's brutal.   Every time the withdrawal hurts more.  And every time we allow another recycle we are showing them that their behavior last time was acceptable which is why it gets worse and worse... .

You're right WhoMe. ... . nothing you do makes a difference because it's not about you at all... .  

If you read you might want to pick up the book Betrayal Bonds by Patrick Carnes.   He discusses the intense addiction and trauma bonds that occur in situations like we are in.  It's very eye opening. ... . counseling is a good idea but for yourself. ... not couples counseling.

Her issues are about her.

Your reasons for not walking away are what you need to focus on.

Trust me... . I've been stuck in hell for a long time and I can only blame myself at this point.

Be strong and be good to yourself as you deserve a partner who can be supportive and caring as you are to her... .

Don't beat yourself up though.   You obviously realize the issue.   You will stop when you are ready.

[nownotsure]

She and I are together now and  I am disgusted with myself.  She is more of an addiction than anything else.  Things are good right now but I know she will split me and it will turn bad. 

Have you talked to your therapist about this at all?

My concern is that you've taken her back, and now while things are going good in the relationship, your thoughts have turned towards breaking up. That's not being fair to your girlfriend, regardless of how she has treated you in the past (mental illness or not). It's also not clear in your post as to whether you truly care about her or just addicted to the relationship.

You have my sympathy, as it's never easy (but not impossible) to live with someone who has a mental health issue. So the best way forward is to go back to your therapist and discuss what you've told us. Your therapist will guide you along as you go about deciding whether to work on your own issues by yourself or while with your girlfriend.

Good luck WhoMe!

[Take2]

I just want to add that while I am absolutely addicted. ... I absolutely love my ex with all my hear.

My therapist used to insist it was just addiction but I had to explain to her that I know what love is.  I acknowledge my addiction but that doesn't mean my love is not real also.

[WhoMe51]

I do love my Girlfriend very much. And when things are going good between us her fear of intimacy comes into play. And she finds a way to push me away. I do my best to soothe her fears. I have talked to my therapist and she says this is just how she is going to be until she gets help for herself. When things are good between us I try and talk to her to get some kind of resolution with what just happened so that the next time things will maybe be a little calmer. I have a lot of patience for her. I get confused sometimes because it's hard to remember what works and what doesn't. Right now things are good. But to be honest I have these fears in the back of my head that it will turn bad again. This is just how I have been conditioned to feel. But I do love her. That's not the question here.

[WhoMe51]

I would like to add one more thing. I realize that this is how my relationship is going to be with her. I have to accept that she isn't the one who is going to change in order to stay in it, it will have to be me. But sometimes it's hard to do that. But I do love her and I believe she loves me to the best of her ability.

[WhoMe51]

One more thing. The day I started this blog I was feeling like I just couldn't get it right. I'm not disgusted with myself I was more frustrated than anything. So the title should have been different. I have been really hard on myself in the past to get it right. I have to remember that I only have control over me and my reactions to her when she is upset.

[Clearmind]

Any ideas why you stay? Dig a little deeper and seek out those reasons. It's not about her it's about you. She won't change.

For me, I was accustomed to toxic relating. I grew up in an emotionally invalidating environment and an alcoholic parent with strong BPD traits. Rescuing and care taking in my own romantic relationships stems back to my role that was engrained since childhood.

Find your reasons and you begin to see your role. Work on you ---> can better the relationship and stop the conflict cycle

[Split black]

I would like to add one more thing. I realize that this is how my relationship is going to be with her. I have to accept that she isn't the one who is going to change in order to stay in it, it will have to be me. But sometimes it's hard to do that. But I do love her and I believe she loves me to the best of her ability.

Man... . I know where you are coming from. And I felt the same way... . for a long time... . but there is no way that your love can be reciprocated. The lying, cheating, triangulating, manipulating, detached, empathy lacking insanity on their end is not love. Love you the best she can? hmmm... .   Im kind of still in denial myself. I wish she would call and have had a major brain cleaning. I wish she would be normal. I wish she would stop banging other men. I wish she didnt violate and disrespect me, I wish I never put up with those behaviors because I was/am so addicted to her sexually, and those fleeting moments when I get 10% of the truth... .   whats love have to do with that? 

We deserve more then then that... . dont we?

[WhoMe51]

Split Black,

When I read what you wrote it really hit home. I have done all of that wishing and more. And it really sounded different when you repeated "love you the best she can". It's like I'm settling for what little she is willing to give. When I give her everything that I have to give and more. As I write this she has stopped talking to me. And I don't know why? And I don't know why I settle for this either. We do deserve more than that. I don't want just 10% of someone. I don't want to keep wishing she will change either.

[max101]

This is not healthy but yet it is very normal since you do love this girl. I think we all have a breaking point, with some it just last longer, but one day you will know it's time to end it forever. I have already been warned by the moderator not to "tell people what to do", so I will refrain from telling you what to do. The only advice I have is, please consider VERY well before having kids or getting married, thing get much more complicated with those factors in the mix. Those with kids can tell you very well how hard it is to leave in such a situation. I wish you all the best

[123Phoebe]

not to "tell people what to do"

How many times have we 'told our pwBPD' what to do?  Sometimes flat out, other times maybe a little more covertly?  Do it this way, MY way!  Because I feel really uncomfortable otherwise

Essentially telling them that they're wrong, kinda weird and that they're driving us crazy... Now CHANGE!

It is up to us as individuals to figure out/define what is okay with us.  Not by telling someone else what they need to do differently, but by living life by our values, while expressing what our needs are.

It's a shift in focus from them to us.  We can only change ourselves and that's no easy task  

[WhoMe51]

Max101,

We lived together for 3yrs. We were fighting up until the day I moved out. And once I moved out, she started telling me that things would be different if I moved back in. We have lived in separate homes since. It's been an up and down ride. Every time I get comfortable, something else causes a blow up. She still wants to move in or get married. I want to believe that the stability of living together or getting married will be what we need. But we have already been through that. But deep down inside I want to believe it will be better. And I know it's probably not going to be because she quit going to her therapist. Like split black said its probably denial.

[Split black]

Split Black,

When I read what you wrote it really hit home. I have done all of that wishing and more. And it really sounded different when you repeated "love you the best she can". It's like I'm settling for what little she is willing to give. When I give her everything that I have to give and more. As I write this she has stopped talking to me. And I don't know why? And I don't know why I settle for this either. We do deserve more than that. I don't want just 10% of someone. I don't want to keep wishing she will change either.

Mine has ignored me for almost 3 weeks now as i struggle to maintain NC. Havent seen her in a month as i fight the sickening thoughts of another guy or guys sexually ravaging her. But it is the way it is and there is nothing more i can do or say that i havnt said before.

[max101]

Very interesting situation, the idea that things would get better if you live together is something I also considered. I thought, surely if we get married she will come to her senses and realize how great I am. The funny thing, she was putting a lot of pressure on me to get married, and when I finally got the ring and proposed she told me it was not a good time because she was scared about what our future would look like. She broke up with me 2 months ago and now I think it is so strange she was putting so much pressure on me even though deep down she knew we would not get married. My situation is slightly specific, I have a rare genetic disease (in my case not severe) but this was one of the main reasons she broke up with me even though I told her about like a month into our relationship. Took her 3.5 years of torture to figure out "she could not do it", saved me, but still damn pathetic.

My point being, I doubt people change, and living together, kids and marriage put even more pressure on "nons" to forget about their own values, life and sanity, because obviously you don't want to be "that" guy that left his sweet wife and small kid

[WhoMe51]

      Well it's been a few days since I posted anything.  I went to my therapist today.  As I was driving there Bon Jovi's song "Born to Follow" came on and I thought to myself here I am going to my therapist on my day off because I'm trying to get my head clear.  It sure feels like I'm just following the same pattern every day.  Week after week.  I talked to my therapist about this message board and she told me to keep reading and posting on here.  I talked about my abusive childhood and the things that I went through as a kid.  She asked me if I saw the same resemblance in my relationship with my dBPDG.  I do.  It makes sense now to me why I keep getting on the roller coaster ride.  I learned to tolerate abuse when I was younger.  As a kid, I felt hopeless and helpless with having to deal with abusive parents.  I have felt those same feelings in this relationship.  I read somewhere that the non has to be strong emotionally to make these relationships work.  Because if you are not strong emotionally, boundaries will be over ran and it will be the same ride over and over.  So like the song says I am not born to follow.  If I stay in this relationship I have to be grounded because she isn't going to change.   

[Split black]

Grounded... . yeah... if we stay they will ground us as in we will be going down for that dirt nap. Shes a splinter in my mind and i would do anything to stop waiting for nothing to happen.