Body dysmorphic disorder and bpd-an article

[Tangled mangled]

So I’m quite concerned about my ex (stbxh). I believe he has bpd, for 10 years he was mainly overweight but towards the end of our relationship he started working out excessively and is currently very thin. It’s really sad to see. He looks like a totally different person.

So here I go down the rabbit hole again trying to figure this out and here’s what I came up with:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8470847/

I made his doctor aware of his strenuous exercise regimen and the fact that his frame is now bent- he is tall and was a good looking man. No response from his doctor. Patient confidentiality.

I know we both threw each other under the bus during our relentless arguments but I never attacked his appearance. I supported him where I could and begged him to seek therapy. Even in the midst of our vile arguments I made him aware that he was not a bad person.
I wonder if I did anything to cause this. Yes I abandoned him and called the police on him several times when he went out of line- threatening behaviour.
He has no support and I think he’s too ashamed to go back to his parents. Or so I think.
I remember he said to me that all he had to do was call them and say he was sorry and they would accept him back.

His mum too is someone I believe has bpd- or covert NPD. She too was aggressively thin and would drink only coffee at meal times.

At our supervised visit he only drank coffee too and told the children he didn’t want more carbs.

He worked hard to keep himself under control, although I noticed he was restless initially but later settled down to spend time with his children.
He thanked me for allowing the visit.

I had an idea to encourage him to see his doctor- thought about saying the children were worried about him- this is twisting the truth as the children mentioned he cried when it was time to leave. He had 3 hours with them undisturbed.

I do apologise for the rant. My head does go into a spin about what to do about this. I guess I’m worried about his weight because of my sons. I don’t want them to see this as good example.

[SaltyDawg]

Taken from https://margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/

Say to yourself:

I did not cause it.

I cannot control it.

I cannot cure it.

Tangled,

   You did not cause your stbxH do this, you cannot control your stbxH, and you definitely cannot cure your stbxH as you are divorcing him.

   You are currently separated from your stbxh - he is his own person, and he can and will make choices that may seem contradictory to your caretaking instincts.  I know this is easier said than done, but right now is the time to let him go, and try not to 'control' his actions - this is very codependent behavior, specifically "Believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves" & "Freely offer advice and direction without being asked" from https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/2011-Patterns-of-Recovery-2015.pdf

   If your sons make a comment on this, talk about it in an age appropriate way.  However, if they seem oblivious to it (most children would) do not call attention to it as they will likely not notice.  Until I was educated in anorexia nervosa and eating disorders I was unaware of this as an adult with some medical training until my daughter literally looked like the photo of the refugee at Auschwitz the last and final time I came home from sea in 2019.

   No need to apologize for your rant, you experienced something that is deeply disturbing, and you need to vent and get it off your chest.  We are here to support and listen to you - hopefully I have done a little of that by putting things into perspective.

   Take care with self care.

SD

[Notwendy]

Understandable that you are concerned about your ex- but he is an adult and this isn't something you can change for him.

As to the children, I would suggest being vigilant about how they feel about themselves and reinforce their self esteem and healthy habits.

Eating disorders can exist with BPD. My BPD mother doesn't have the classic anorexia or bulimia but she seemed to always be "dieting" and then would sneak food when nobody was looking. She also was very thin and yet, concerned about her weight.

This did affect me as when I was a teen, she would comment that I was big, but this was her projection. Still, as a teen, I also worried about this and felt insecure.

I recently got ahold of some old family pictures. Looking at them, my impression was not that the kids are too big but how thin my mother looked. We looked like typical normal size kids. My mother was very thin in the pictures- too thin. So her impression of me was through her own body image.

I didn't understand BPD or projections as a teen. I had very low self esteem as a teen.  I don't think I am too large now but I still tend to buy clothes that are loose fitting and lack confidence about how clothes look on me.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to offer a counter model and opinion for your kids by maintaining your own healthy lifestyle and letting them know they are just fine- the way they are and that you love them no matter what size they are.

[Tangled mangled]

Thanks @NW and SD,

I was able to process this issue- and as SD reminded me. I didn’t cause, I can not cure it and I can not control it.


I guess I’m still struggling with the grief of dealing with a pwbpd and all the mind F*ck that’s been laid upon me.

@NW- you raise an important point about direct the children’s attention towards healthier lifestyle.

I’m hoping in the new year I would be able to enroll the boys in some basketball. It’s strange that my ex is living the skinny lifestyle while doing everything he can to ensure the children are overweight. Even on his brief visit with them, he bought them so much treats and desserts. This was the biggest iss that led to heated arguments and DV from him.

I’m just glad I have custody of the children because he’s bent on destroying their self esteem and body confidence. He had started putting the older child under pressure to work out like him while loading him full with high calorie foods, the younger child was becoming a very picky eater.
7 months away from dad and the children’s weight are under control.
Thank you for sharing your story NW and the advice.

[Notwendy]

Yes, it's good you are doing that. I think this can have long range effects. Although I have a normal BMI- always have had one- I still feel self conscious. I tend to buy clothing that is loose and large.

I have felt envious of women who could feel confident about their bodies- at any size. I wish I could feel that way too.

I think the fashion industry and photoshop is difficult for teens. At least now, there are models of all sizes. When I was a teen, the models were super skinny. I was slim but not super skinny and so my mother's comments seemed believable.

With my own children, I wanted them to know that they are just fine the way they are. I didn't want to role model insecurity for them. We do try to eat a healthy diet but also if they want to indulge that is OK too- moderation is key.

So yes, do what you can to counteract this- so your kids get a different message from you. Mostly though- whatever size they are- they can know they are worth being loved and cherished no matter what.