Borderline Breakup Tips: How to Get Closure & Split Yourself White

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Gameover wrote---

However great the relationship is for the NON... .you can't project the greatness onto the BPD.  Yeah, the BPD might take up with the local meth dealer.  But that local meth dealer probably has admirable qualities as well, qualities you might lack.  And their lifestyle might have appeals to the pwBPD that yours doesn't.  You might not want that lifestyle for yourself (you probably don't); but that's your reality, not the pwBPD's.

---When the relationship is great for the BPD as well (based on the BPs actions and how they describe the relationship as being great, etc.)  the BP will still eventually do splitting and do the push-pull. It's part of the disorder.  Re: the meth dealer and their lifestyle, the BP will sooner or later split that person black and want to discard that lifestyle as being bad 100% bad as well.   Just as they would if they marry a celebrity billionaire.

Gameover also wrote---

Someone casually attacking you is a little bit different than someone you know personally and have a long history of interaction with.  Yeah, the pwBPD's reactions might be extreme; but the causes are there.  The cause might seem minor to you; but it wasn't minor to her, and you can't convince her that the cause was minor. 

---That is true.  The point is that the BP will attack/split/abandon  a casual acquaintance, a spouse, child, grocery clerk, counselor, etc.  It's part of the disorder for them to do this. So it's important for the other person to realize this and not take it so personally, and not falsely believe that "if I just fix this or that about me, the BP won't split me and won't want to leave". 

-----Yes they feel things intensely and they are sensitive to abandonment. So a minor "trigger" not making eye contact, a stranger giving them the wrong directions,  a phone call being cut short, might not bother most people but they will bother a non. 

  I have also seen instances where there was no trigger, either minor or major.  The BP and peole involved couldn't point to any trigger----the BP just flip-flopped and split the person as all black as part of the BPD cycle.

[shatra]

Gameover wrote---

However great the relationship is for the NON... .you can't project the greatness onto the BPD.  Yeah, the BPD might take up with the local meth dealer.  But that local meth dealer probably has admirable qualities as well, qualities you might lack.  And their lifestyle might have appeals to the pwBPD that yours doesn't.  You might not want that lifestyle for yourself (you probably don't); but that's your reality, not the pwBPD's.

---When the relationship is great for the BPD as well (based on the BPs actions and how they describe the relationship as being great, etc.)  the BP will still eventually do splitting and do the push-pull. It's part of the disorder.  Re: the meth dealer and their lifestyle, the BP will sooner or later split that person black and want to discard that lifestyle as being bad 100% bad as well.   Just as they would if they marry a celebrity billionaire.

Gameover also wrote---

Someone casually attacking you is a little bit different than someone you know personally and have a long history of interaction with.  Yeah, the pwBPD's reactions might be extreme; but the causes are there.  The cause might seem minor to you; but it wasn't minor to her, and you can't convince her that the cause was minor. 

---That is true.  The point is that the BP will attack/split/abandon  a casual acquaintance, a spouse, child, grocery clerk, counselor, etc.  It's part of the disorder for them to do this. So it's important for the other person to realize this and not take it so personally, and not falsely believe that "if I just fix this or that about me, the BP won't split me and won't want to leave". 

-----Yes they feel things intensely and they are sensitive to abandonment. So a minor "trigger" not making eye contact, a stranger giving them the wrong directions,  a phone call being cut short, might not bother most people but they will bother a non. 

  I have also seen instances where there was no trigger, either minor or major.  The BP and peole involved couldn't point to any trigger----the BP just flip-flopped and split the person as all black as part of the BPD cycle.

[apollotech]

---By beginning stage of 3rd recycle sounds like you broke up twice and are now hovering towards being charmed and starting a third reunion?

---Sounds like you're saying you are not currently split black OR white... .yes, sometimes they split you white and then try for a reunion with you, other times they try for a reunion and then split you white

Hi shatra,

Yes, we have recycled twice. I ended the relationship at the beginning of the third recycle. There will be no third recycle. Her method of operating has been to always put feelers out to see if communications were still open (hence her not having split me black). If she received a positive response on this, then she'd split me white and we'd enter into the idealization stage. Right now I am not the toad or the prince, just an option (in her thinking).