Non-BPD younger siblings

[A maze]

Our recently diagnosed D(16) has been making our family's life so difficult for the past 3 years (has made up stories that resulted in a full blown investigation by child protective services, steels from  family members, lies about everything... ., you know the drill, textbook BPD behavior).

We have been trying to explain, as best we can, to our 3 younger children (non-BPD, no traits either) that their older sister has challenges that we are trying to help her with.  She sees a psychologist every other week (has been for two and a half years), she sees a psychiatrist every 6 weeks, we see a social worker (myself, husband and DD) every week.  She has been on Prozac since last fall and a low dose of Seroquel was added recently.

At this point, it breaks my heart that my younger children are exposed to their sister's awful actions.  Not only are we spending so much time dealing with their sister, obviously resulting in having less time to spend with them but also, we can see they are hurt when she pulls fits and tantrums and becomes so verbally abusive.  It can become quite scary at times.  Thankfully, her verbal aggressiveness is usually directed only at myself or my husband).

The little ones have trouble understanding and have gone as far as asking if she can just leave the house.  In the past, before we knew what we were dealing with, we tried to protect our oldest from her own actions when it came to her siblings.  We wanted to preserve their relationship.  Now we know that isn't the right thing to do.  We just feel it is so unfair!

Our non-BPD children are 11 (twins) and 13.  Even at school they suffer from their sister's behavior (other children asking about stories their DD makes-up about them or our family).

Any insight from someone who has gone through this type of situation or is going through it now?

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi A Maze,

I'm sorry that  your other children are being exposed to such terrible behaviors.  While it is a good thing to try to protect relationships it is also a good thing for everyone to have personal boundaries to protect themselves.

Have you talked to your other children about having boundaries?  Do they have somewhere they can go if they feel unsafe, scared or just want to leave an uncomfortable situation?

There is some info in this thread that may help:

Crisis Safety Plan:  When a family member has BPD

The initial info on having a plan for younger children and developing a code word may be particularly helpful to your family.

My daughter, 18 is my only child so I didn't have the struggle of how her behaviors and my worries were affecting any other children.  It must be so hard.



lbjnltx

[A maze]

Hello lbjnltx,

Thank you for your reply.  I will definitely read up on the thread you suggested.

We have spoken to them about boundaries.  We have set family and individual boundaries.  The problem is that our daughter just keeps trespassing them... . and we are out of options as to what to do when she does trespass.  Nothing seems to work.

The little ones do have a safe place to go to when things get too intense.  This being said, we never leave our DD alone with them.

Unfortunately with regards to her siblings, our DD often uses unhealthy strategies to get what she wants from them.  They give in because they want to make her happy but they end up hurt and feeling used.  Not often in a big way, but an accumulation of small betrayals hurts just as much.  At this point, they are reluctant to having their friends over on account of their sister's behavior.  :'(

I have to say, it must be quite different to have the one only child with these struggles.  We are grateful that we get to experience more "textbook" tween and teen behaviors with our three younger children.  It contributes to reconciling with parenthood when things are more difficult with our oldest.  My heart goes out to you!

Thanks again!

[lbjnltx]

Thank you for the kind words A Maze.

My daughter 18, is doing very well now after many years of therapy and 10 months at a good RTC.  We lost her daddy 18 months ago and she has still managed to hold herself together, graduate from high school, get her first job, live on a budget and is looking forward to starting part time at the community college.

There is hope that things will get better for your daughter too!  Being young and getting proper treatment while having the support of family is a triple threat to this disorder.

lbj

[A maze]

Oh Ibj, I am so sorry for your loss!  You have endured such hardship!  I send you a big virtual hug right now!

It is great to know that your daughter is doing so much better.  You must be so proud of her successes!  And you should be just as proud of yourself for helping her through it all!

Thank you for sharing a little parcel of your story.  It gives me hope to know that things can get better.

I send you love and kindness!

A maze

[lbjnltx]

Thank you!

[livednlearned]

Hi A maze,

I'm the younger sibling of an older brother with uBPD. I'm in my 40s now, and just piecing together what happened -- ADHD wasn't even dx'd back then, much less BPD. It was exhausting living with him. And I was ashamed of him at school. He was the neighborhood bully, he stole from people, put up humiliating pictures of me at school, was physically abusive, the list goes on. It was also risky to have friends over, and it was risky when we were teens to exclude him from things. I did my homework in the bathroom -- it was the only room in the house that had a lock. My parents raised me to accommodate my brother, and looking back now (after marrying someone with uBPD) I realize it was that piece that was devastating. They didn't know he had a mental disorder, and didn't want anyone to know what was going on in the family. Everything was swept under the rug. Twice I tried to set boundaries with my brother, and both times I was yelled at by my dad.

So what you're doing will go a long ways. That everyone knows your D has a disorder, she is getting treatment, you are giving the other kids boundaries (even if they don't work), and not asking them to tolerate or accept the abuse. It sounds like they are not getting counseling? Do you think any of them might want or need it? It can be hard to talk to a parent about the powerful feelings that come up. There is often a lot of guilt, and subtle wishes that the non BPD child not add to the challenging dynamics in the family. I bottled up a lot of feelings. I wish there had been at least one adult I could talk with about my feelings.

If you have been told to use with validation with your DD, those skills will work equally as effectively with your other kids. The behavior they experience is often abusive, and it goes a long way when adults acknowledge that. It sounds like you are doing that by trying to help them with boundaries.

It might also be important to revisit the work you're doing on boundaries. As an adult in a BPD marriage, I found it was overwhelming to try and enforce boundaries, and it sounds like you are dealing with this too. It is a lot to expect kids to enforce boundaries if we are struggling with the same. What are examples of the types of boundaries your D violates, and how the family responds? Has your D been involved in talking through the ground rules and coming up with consequences that you can agree to together, preferably at a time when feelings are not as triggered... .

[Meadowslark]

There is often a lot of guilt, and subtle wishes that the non BPD child not add to the challenging dynamics in the family.

I had to log in to comment about this.

livednlearned, this is the phrase that ruled my life too, growing up. I have a younger sister, diagnosed BPD in December of last year. She made our lives a living hell and I was severely neglected in favor of trying to "manage" my sister. Like you, I couldn't tell anyone my feelings for fear it would "make family life harder". I was cornered by my father and screamed at when I was upset about something, saying I was "ruining the family" and that "we already have one problem child, you're not allowed to be one too."

So for A Maze, coming as another child who lived a life of neglect and torment due to a BPD sibling, I implore you to spend copious amounts of time with your healthy children. They probably feel that their BPDsister gets a lot of the attention that they deserve to have, especially as healthy kids. Healthy kids tend to be ignored (usually by accident) because the problem child causes so many issues so frequently. The other kids are left on their own, maybe feeling "less-than" because they don't get parental attention as often. Squeaky Wheel Syndrome.

I'm 28 and am in therapy for the devastating effect the neglect I experienced has caused. Please please please don't let your healthy children end up full of self-loathing like me.

[Kate4queen]

I have 4 children one with BPD, and I wish I'd known what was going on earlier so that I could've protected my other children from the havoc my son caused. As parents we didn't understand what was going on and if we tried to protect our other children it just made things worse for them.  My son also has some physical disabilities so he already had the majority of my attention.

As adults my two other sons have a lot of anger and resentment against us about their childhood. I encourage them to express how they feel, but boy, sometimes it is hard to hear. Their feelings need to be validated just as much as my son with BPD's.

In your position, I'd probably make sure your other children got some independent therapy to help them.

[Josie C]

Hi A maze

We are going through much of the same in our home. My dd20 with BPD is the oldest of four, her brothers ranging in age from 10-17.  As her behaviors escalated over the past three years, I became increasingly concerned with how this was affecting the boys.  I wanted to talk with them about things; I also wanted to respect her privacy and I didn't want to worry them.  When she became very dysregulated and suicidal last August culminating in a hospitalization, I realized I was doing everyone a disservice. They needed to know she was gravely ill and that we were aware of this and we're working hard to get her help. It was so important to stop ignoring the elephant in the room.  I explained to them individually at their level of understanding that their sister was ill and this illness causes her to become quite angry and unstable; that when she can do better, she will. And that it wasn't their fault, they didn't need to kowtow to her every demand(they can set boundaries) and not to take her rages personally.  Validation has helped them, too!

Interestingly, since she has always had a very high-drama nature I think they accepted who she was and didn't expect anything different.  They just didn't like it!  I've let them know they can ask me anything and I will do my best to answer.  It has helped to be very honest with the teens in particular.  They know we don't have all the answers and we are working to make things better.  DH and I have recently begun a parent DBT class-- it's 2 hours away and the 17 year old holds down the fort while we are gone for 6 hours every other week.  They know we are going to a meeting to help our relationship with dd.  They also know she sees a therapist and is on medication; I thought it important for the brothers to recognize that even though it may not seem it, their sister is trying too. And it is hard for everyone in their own way.

Teenage boys mostly speak in grunts so I don't get much from the older boys.  They don't tend to ask much, so I have to initiate discussion.  I don't overdo it, just quick check-ins to get a read on how she is treating them, what they are observing, and if they have any concerns. It is important to me that they trust their dad and me to do what we think is best for our family and to know they have a voice and that we will listen.  The two older ones have made comments that they wish she would move out.  She was at a relatives for two months after her hospitalization and it was a much needed and healing respite from the storm.  She's back at home for the foreseeable future, with all the stress that entails. We try to validate their feelings and emphasize that we understand the difficulties.  I hope it helps them.

Like you, A maze, I am learning as I go. It aches to see our children struggle, to see the strain in sibling relationships that we hoped would be so strong, and to have safety concerns as well.  Nothing is intuitive and balancing the needs of each individual in the family --including yourself -- is not an exact science.  I am trying for more open, honest, respectful communication in our home as a way to at least be aware of the needs of everyone.  It's a start.

[livednlearned]

A maze,

One thing that came to mind reading what others have written is how much opportunity is there for you and your family. Yes, it is hard on everyone to have BPD in the family. It is also a source of profound and positive change that will take your parenting to a whole new level.

The opportunity is to help your kids develop healthy relationship skills. The powerful part of having a loved one with BPD is that it forces everyone to evaluate what it means to be emotionally resilient and healthy. What I did not learn from my family of origin, I had to learn from my marriage to a man with BPD. If I had learned these lessons and skills in my childhood, I would have avoided two decades of trying to work things out in unhealthy relationships, trying to rescue abusive men, no boundaries in sight.

You can teach your kids how to validate by validating them, and you can teach them healthy boundaries by showing them how to assert those boundaries. At the end of the day, no matter how much we love the people with BPD in our lives, their behavior is abusive, to themselves, and to the family. You will be teaching your kids how to deal with abusive behavior, and they will have an amazing set of skills early in their lives, to deal with all kinds of challenging and difficult behaviors that come up in their lives, whether it is friends, professors, spouses, kids, bosses, or their sister.

I also wish my parents knew to give me space to grieve. This may not be something you can provide them because you're the parents, it may need to be a counselor, or it may need to happen in family counseling so a neutral person can facilitate. I felt so guilty for the feelings I had, and it would've helped me connect with my family if I could express those feelings as well as the love or longing I felt, a really complex set of emotions for a kid to sort through without help from adults.

None of this work is easy. It is worth it, though.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[A maze]

Thank you all so much for your responses!  Each and every one of you has contributed to validate what my instincts are telling me.

Over time we've learned to make a conscious effort to create good memories with our three younger children and to shield them as much as we can.  Boundaries are set and we have open discussions, individually and collectively (in the absence of DD because she would say we are all wrong and we are to blame for her behavior) about her challenges and how a. We are impacted by them and b. How we can protect ourselves from her anger and rage.

Now, although we are really doing our best and continue to develop skills to help us all, I am so saddened by the fact that our children must go through this.  I will definitely look into counseling for them.  But right now, I am just tired of it all and the best way for me to describe it is this;  Imagine you are told you have cancer in one arm and that you can try all possible treatments but chances are if you keep the limb, the cancer will most likely spread to your the other limbs.  What would you do?

Thanks again everyone!

A maze

[A maze]

Oh, and by the way, for you siblings out there, please do not worry, we do not put the weight of our daughter's challenges on her siblings.  I too had an older sister who definitely had BPD traits.  I think this served me well in how I am with my three youngest.  I send you all love and hugs and hopes that life is easier on you all now.

As for the parents, thanks for the words of wisdom and kindness!  It feels good to know we aren't alone!  Hugs and warm wishes to you as well!

A maze

[lbjnltx]

  But right now, I am just tired of it all and the best way for me to describe it is this;  Imagine you are told you have cancer in one arm and that you can try all possible treatments but chances are if you keep the limb, the cancer will most likely spread to your the other limbs.  What would you do?

Thanks again everyone!

A maze

This is bringing tears to my eyes A maze.  

We hold two truths in our minds here.  One... .we love our disordered child and Two... .our disordered child is abusing us and others.  You have a difficult job to do... .help your disordered daughter help herself and protect your young children.  Boundaries is where the balance is found and that doesn't mean it will be easy.

This may be the greatest challenge of your life and that means it is the greatest opportunity to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

We are here to support you.  

lbjnltx

[A maze]

Thank you Ibjnltx!

You are right.  From the first interrogations we had about our DD's behaviors (she was about 10) we thought she was simply starting her teenage behaviors a little early, we started reading everything we could about raising teenagers, communicating effectively with children and teens... .  We didn't know back then that the lack of success wasn't due to our parental skills but rather due to her illness.  So we questioned ourselves so much, we tried positive reinforcement, we tried consequences, we tried giving her a larger "playing field" then a smaller one.  We established family values, printed them out on pretty paper and hung it in a picture frame on the wall of our family room.  We had family meetings where we would discuss all sorts of subjects and incorporate our values into the discussions.  As you may imagine, none of these efforts paid off with our DD.  Fortunately though, as our younger children begin the trials and tribulations of the teenage years we begin to see how all of our hard work is rewarding as they are doing so well and we are so proud of them.  So yes, I can definitely see how this awful illness has had a positive effect and, even if at times it's the only positive to hold on to, at least it is one positive thing!

Thanks for reminding me... .  I guess that's what support is there for ; )

A maze