Answers

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I find myself today, on what should have been our 5th anniversary, angry that I have no answers for any of the behaviors of the past 11 months. Angry that a year ago today we had the most fabulous anniversary and were closer (so I thought) than ever before. We had been married 9 months, had a 2 year old and things were going better than ever. Then a month later she was gone, with the kid at first. I have never been given an explanation, never an apology, and to this day she has not articulated so much as even a lame reason as to why she is divorcing me to anyone not just me. Besides the divorce part that I am frustrated because I want to know why but realize I will never get that answer from her, I am frustrated that she feels or thinks it is okay to treat me like crap. We had been doing IVF for various reasons and as recently as March had discussed still doing it. We both want a 2nd kid, we are forced to parent together anyway so we thought we may. We never did. But then last month she went and had everything canceled, the embryo's destroyed etc. without telling me until after and until after she put something on facebook about it. Pretty much she had an abortion in a way and told me after she did it so far as I am concerned. Yet she wont' acknowledge that she did anything at all. She won't talk to me about it. I want answers. So many things like that which I want answers to and am frustrated I probably won't get. I want to just bug the heck out of her until she gives me one but does she even have one? And an apology for anything isn't going to happen but is making me angry today. The level of emotional immaturity is beyond frustrating. Will I always wonder why? Will I ever be able to let go of getting those answers? That is just where my head is tonight. Just a crappy situation all the way around.

[thisyoungdad]

I find myself today, on what should have been our 5th anniversary, angry that I have no answers for any of the behaviors of the past 11 months. Angry that a year ago today we had the most fabulous anniversary and were closer (so I thought) than ever before. We had been married 9 months, had a 2 year old and things were going better than ever. Then a month later she was gone, with the kid at first. I have never been given an explanation, never an apology, and to this day she has not articulated so much as even a lame reason as to why she is divorcing me to anyone not just me. Besides the divorce part that I am frustrated because I want to know why but realize I will never get that answer from her, I am frustrated that she feels or thinks it is okay to treat me like crap. We had been doing IVF for various reasons and as recently as March had discussed still doing it. We both want a 2nd kid, we are forced to parent together anyway so we thought we may. We never did. But then last month she went and had everything canceled, the embryo's destroyed etc. without telling me until after and until after she put something on facebook about it. Pretty much she had an abortion in a way and told me after she did it so far as I am concerned. Yet she wont' acknowledge that she did anything at all. She won't talk to me about it. I want answers. So many things like that which I want answers to and am frustrated I probably won't get. I want to just bug the heck out of her until she gives me one but does she even have one? And an apology for anything isn't going to happen but is making me angry today. The level of emotional immaturity is beyond frustrating. Will I always wonder why? Will I ever be able to let go of getting those answers? That is just where my head is tonight. Just a crappy situation all the way around.

[bpdspell]

This Young Dad,

So sorry to hear the details of this very sad situation. The mentally ill have a way of hurting us in ways that are unfathomable. I can feel your devastation and my heart goes out to you. How are you coping with the abandonment pain? Are you in Therapy? Who do you have to rely on?

One of the reasons why these fall outs tend to hurt so much is because many of us made them the centerpieces of our world. When they were in our lives we felt like we finally found unconditional love, meaning and purpose only for it to evolve into a living nightmare created out of the dark pits of hell.

Your ex leaving you had nothing to do with you. It sounds like she has a great deal of shame and that's why she's hiding and not giving you answers for her behavior. I know you had a fabulous anniversary last year but if you look over the course of the entire relationship I'm sure there were red flags that indicated her level of maturity. I'm sure there were signs that showed you that things weren't fully ok with her.

I shared many good times with my ex but he showed me who he was pretty early on in the relationship. But because of my own desperation I ignored the bad behavior and neglected my own needs with self-sacrifice.

I found that crying, mourning and grieving help a great deal in getting out the sad hurt emotions. It helps to not keep the toxic feelings bottled in.

I've been feeling pretty sad the last couple of days myself. Sometimes I do feel that God has forsaken me even when in my heart of hearts I don't really believe that. It just feels that way some days.

Some days will be better than others but it helps to focus on the gift that is your life and taking care of yourself as best as you can.

Spell