i sent her a email im soo stupid

[freshlySane]

Today i missed her went back to blaming myself tried everything to see thru the clouds but no avail i check her twitter still with mister perfect life is still wonderful i sent her this like a love sick puppy.

I know i am the last person you want to hear from but i'm here listening to music thinking of you the good times and bad i can not deny i miss you but i just want to say i still love you and i'm wishing you all the best ... .  you'll always be my million dollar girl your a beautiful dove who is meant to fly so soar far beautiful.


posting this now i feel sick to my stomach i allow her to have control of me even though she discarded me am i really that self damaging

[HarmKrakow]

Today i missed her went back to blaming myself tried everything to see thru the clouds but no avail i check her twitter still with mister perfect life is still wonderful i sent her this like a love sick puppy.

I know i am the last person you want to hear from but i'm here listening to music thinking of you the good times and bad i can not deny i miss you but i just want to say i still love you and i'm wishing you all the best ... .  you'll always be my million dollar girl your a beautiful dove who is meant to fly so soar far beautiful.


posting this now i feel sick to my stomach i allow her to have control of me even though she discarded me am i really that self damaging

I think this post has nothing to do with detachment but attachment and making yourself vulnerable.

The only good thing I read from here is this 1) you acknowledged it was wrong and 2) and posted it here.

Why would you want to hurt yourself? Why put salt in your wounds? Why? I know its easy questions (you felt like the connecction with her was something you will never get again etc. etc.) I know the drill, I suffer the same :P But In my path of recovery I realize that your actions are only     ing you up. Don't do it again. Please, if you don't want to do it for someone else, don't do it again for me. This only goes 1 way ...

to more agony for your my man ... .  

We ... dont ... want ... that ...

[freshlySane]

Today i missed her went back to blaming myself tried everything to see thru the clouds but no avail i check her twitter still with mister perfect life is still wonderful i sent her this like a love sick puppy.

I know i am the last person you want to hear from but i'm here listening to music thinking of you the good times and bad i can not deny i miss you but i just want to say i still love you and i'm wishing you all the best ... .  you'll always be my million dollar girl your a beautiful dove who is meant to fly so soar far beautiful.


posting this now i feel sick to my stomach i allow her to have control of me even though she discarded me am i really that self damaging

I think this post has nothing to do with detachment but attachment and making yourself vulnerable.

The only good thing I read from here is this 1) you acknowledged it was wrong and 2) and posted it here.

Why would you want to hurt yourself? Why put salt in your wounds? Why? I know its easy questions (you felt like the connecction with her was something you will never get again etc. etc.) I know the drill, I suffer the same :P But In my path of recovery I realize that your actions are only     ing you up. Don't do it again. Please, if you don't want to do it for someone else, don't do it again for me. This only goes 1 way ...

to more agony for your my man ... .  

We ... dont ... want ... that ...

I know i feel wonderful at times and days like this i blame myself and i think of stuff like this and today i do stuff like this. I do not want to revert back to any stage i want to move on but im stuck in. i did my best why does she get to move on and be happy when she destroyed the relationship. it makes me feel maybe it was me after all?

[mosaicbird]

Breathe... Don't beat yourself up. You missed her, and you expressed it and made yourself vulnerable. It's not the end of the world. Are you expecting anything from her in return? Or were you just expressing your feelings?

I have sent my ex a few "stupid" emails, but... I find that I'm at peace with it. I said what I needed to say, and don't expect anything from her in return, and that's okay. So what if I'm vulnerable? She already hurt me unimaginably, and there's a freedom in expressing what I feel now.

 Be kind to yourself.

[HarmKrakow]

Today i missed her went back to blaming myself tried everything to see thru the clouds but no avail i check her twitter still with mister perfect life is still wonderful i sent her this like a love sick puppy.

I know i am the last person you want to hear from but i'm here listening to music thinking of you the good times and bad i can not deny i miss you but i just want to say i still love you and i'm wishing you all the best ... .  you'll always be my million dollar girl your a beautiful dove who is meant to fly so soar far beautiful.


posting this now i feel sick to my stomach i allow her to have control of me even though she discarded me am i really that self damaging

I think this post has nothing to do with detachment but attachment and making yourself vulnerable.

The only good thing I read from here is this 1) you acknowledged it was wrong and 2) and posted it here.

Why would you want to hurt yourself? Why put salt in your wounds? Why? I know its easy questions (you felt like the connecction with her was something you will never get again etc. etc.) I know the drill, I suffer the same :P But In my path of recovery I realize that your actions are only     ing you up. Don't do it again. Please, if you don't want to do it for someone else, don't do it again for me. This only goes 1 way ...

to more agony for your my man ... .  

We ... dont ... want ... that ...

I know i feel wonderful at times and days like this i blame myself and i think of stuff like this and today i do stuff like this. I do not want to revert back to any stage i want to move on but im stuck in. i did my best why does she get to move on and be happy when she destroyed the relationship. it makes me feel maybe it was me after all?

She doesn't move on, but she does in your eyes. Why? Because what you feel, as no empathy from her side, for your feelings that she stepped over it, broke up with you and left you for dead, is not because of being able to ' just step over you ' but due to childish emotional behavior and emotional brainmalfunctioning. It's pure her 'instinct' as a BPDer who did that. She was not in control when she did that ...

So you are not to blame ... You did what you could and she couldnt handle it emotionally and therefore pulled the plug in such a harsh manner...

[sunrising]

SHE ISN'T HAPPY.  She may appear happy for the time being, but that's mirroring.  If it helps simplify it, view it as her acting.  She has emotions inside her that are terrible, things you, as a non-BPD, absolutely cannot understand.  The fact that she's acting happy right now absolutely doesn't change this.  I have not heard one suggestion that BPD just "disappears" from someone.   So, she is still as messed up as everything you saw and are now learning about.    

Stop worrying about whether she seems happy for the moment.  Start thinking about making yourself happy.  You deserve it.

[freshlySane]

MY T tells me i have grown and i show so much wisdom and im on a rode of self awareness that i can learn to be emotionally mature being happy in my own skin and living a happy life. my ex is great actress indeed becasue with knowledge and self awareness her facade tramples all logic for me i know its BPD but man thats a whirlwind mybe i need to detach from the fantasy and then i can 100% see her for who she really is.

[freshlySane]

Breathe... Don't beat yourself up. You missed her, and you expressed it and made yourself vulnerable. It's not the end of the world. Are you expecting anything from her in return? Or were you just expressing your feelings?

I have sent my ex a few "stupid" emails, but... I find that I'm at peace with it. I said what I needed to say, and don't expect anything from her in return, and that's okay. So what if I'm vulnerable? She already hurt me unimaginably, and there's a freedom in expressing what I feel now.

 Be kind to yourself.

i do not expect a response but i felt like i had this love for her that she needed to know i know to her i was a user a cheat an emotional abuser only sexual attracted to her ( mind you this is all her doings to me and never me to her) but i wanted to tell her despite what she may feel. i'm not bitter well i am but to her i am not and love is still in a place of charred remains. i know it sounds dumb just wanted to tell her i see the beauty in her and not this damaged little girl she probably thought i was viewing.

[freshlySane]

scary part is she treats this guy how i treated her with kindness and caring i always told her if you can only see you thru my eyes and she posted that on twitter for him. that broke me

[glacier_glider]

freshlySane, was there a response?

We all feel tempted I am sure.

This is why I suggested, we have a live (sticky) thread here where we MUST post before giving up and initiating a contact.

At least there would be someone to stop us, or it would make us think twice.

[freshlySane]

freshlySane, was there a response?

We all feel tempted I am sure.

This is why I suggested, we have a live (sticky) thread here where we MUST post before giving up and initiating a contact.

At least there would be someone to stop us, or it would make us think twice.

oh wow i did not know man if i had knew ... .  no response i know for a fact no response is a good response any response would be snarky and rude and hurtful i basically just fueled her ego and solidified that i'm the crazy one and her decisions are right.

[sunrising]

love is still in a place of charred remains. i know it sounds dumb just wanted to tell her i see the beauty in her and not this damaged little girl she probably thought i was viewing.

Go easy on yourself.  You're trying to express things to a person who absolutely cannot understand what you're talking about.  Have you read much about the importance of NC (No Contact)?  Put plainly, you are not going to "get through to her".  You must accept that.  Even if she acted like you did, professed her love, and took you back (which I hope you wouldn't do), none of it would be TRUE.  It would be her deciding that she wanted to use you again to fulfill her needs. 

The "damaged little girl" you're afraid she thinks you were seeing is what is actually there.  The beauty you saw in her was mirroring.  An act... .    Without a tremendous commitment from her to extensive therapy (lasting years, not weeks or months), the damaged little girl is all that will be there.   I'm not trying to be cynical and I certainly don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but I have to come to accept this reality about BPD.  Do I long for my ex at times? Yes... .    Do I want to contact her nearly every day?  Yes... .    But I am not disordered, and this means I can rationalize what I've learned about BPD and make my actions match my rationale and knowledge.   It's incredibly difficult at times, but being able to do this is what makes us emotionally and mentally healthy.   

You made a mistake by sending the email. That's ok.  You've acknowledged it as a mistake.  And you're right about "fueling her ego"... .    More accurately, by contacting her, you send her the signal that she still has control over you.  You can't control her, don't let her control you.  The best way to be in control of yourself?... .    Commit to NC and stick with it... .  

Her problems are no longer yours and you can't fix them.  Do good things for yourself. 

[freshlySane]

love is still in a place of charred remains. i know it sounds dumb just wanted to tell her i see the beauty in her and not this damaged little girl she probably thought i was viewing.

Go easy on yourself.  You're trying to express things to a person who absolutely cannot understand what you're talking about.  Have you read much about the importance of NC (No Contact)?  Put plainly, you are not going to "get through to her".  You must accept that.  Even if she acted like you did, professed her love, and took you back (which I hope you wouldn't do), none of it would be TRUE.  It would be her deciding that she wanted to use you again to fulfill her needs. 

The "damaged little girl" you're afraid she thinks you were seeing is what is actually there.  The beauty you saw in her was mirroring.  An act... .    Without a tremendous commitment from her to extensive therapy (lasting years, not weeks or months), the damaged little girl is all that will be there.   I'm not trying to be cynical and I certainly don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but I have to come to accept this reality about BPD.  Do I long for my ex at times? Yes... .    Do I want to contact her nearly every day?  Yes... .    But I am not disordered, and this means I can rationalize what I've learned about BPD and make my actions match my rationale and knowledge.   It's incredibly difficult at times, but being able to do this is what makes us emotionally and mentally healthy.   

You made a mistake by sending the email. That's ok.  You've acknowledged it as a mistake.  And you're right about "fueling her ego"... .    More accurately, by contacting her, you send her the signal that she still has control over you.  You can't control her, don't let her control you.  The best way to be in control of yourself?... .    Commit to NC and stick with it... .  

Her problems are no longer yours and you can't fix them.  Do good things for yourself. 

how do i stop blaming myself i feel like i alowed her to get this hold on me and im allowing it to still last and haunt me but losing her just compounds me blaming myself more i know she has BPD but still another guy gets the rewards of my financial and emotional battle for her

[glacier_glider]

how do i stop blaming myself i feel like i alowed her to get this hold on me and im allowing it to still last and haunt me but losing her just compounds me blaming myself more i know she has BPD but still another guy gets the rewards of my financial and emotional battle for her

It's an addiction. Ever been addicted to anything else?

[sunrising]

how do i stop blaming myself

She had this disorder before you came along, and she has it now that you're gone.  You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.  

i feel like i alowed her to get this hold on me and im allowing it to still last and haunt me but losing her just compounds me blaming myself

Do you see all the people on this board who allowed someone to get this hold on them?  You are not alone.   As for losing her, I know this sounds crazy, but soon you will realize that is a blessing.  You just have to trust that for now.

more i know she has BPD but still another guy gets the rewards of my financial and emotional battle for her

To my post above, you will soon realize that these "rewards" you speak of are more like curses.  The new guy is GOING TO GET THE SAME THING YOU GOT.  It's not a matter of if, but when.  Keep reading people's stories on  here.  The basic behavior pattern of a pwBPD in a romantic relationship is pretty much carved in stone.  Of course she seems happy now, they're in the honeymoon/ idealization/ mirroring stage.  You went through it too.  And what happened?...  You got devalued and discarded.  The same thing will happen to the new guy.  It's what pwBPD do.  

[glacier_glider]

I wonder if there are two people here that are (were) attached to the same person.

[mango_flower]

Trust me, I've sent a lot worse.  Longer, more rambling emails.

Ya know what though - we can't win with this.

If we don't say these things, then it gets twisted back as in "you never loved me!" and if we do, then they win (or get a kick out of it).

I really don't think yours was that bad - at least it was saying "Go be free and be happy" - mine have been more along the lines of "please come back to me, you're my world, I can't live without you!".  URGH. But no more.  I can't do this.  This week has seen me detaching better.

Keep your chin up, keep moving forward, keep busy and avoid ANYTHING that makes you miss her. It's so tough I know. xxx

[freshlySane]

I wonder if there are two people here that are (were) attached to the same person.

some of us are probably taling about one individual its scary because all these stories are so much like mine

[willy45]

Hey Dude,

Don't worry about it. You are hurting. You made a mistake. Don't sweat it. Brush it off. And yes. I've done way worse too. Sometimes when she calls and catches me off guard, I say all kinds of stuff that I don't even mean! It's weird.

And yes. The stories are all so similar. It is super weird. Perhaps we all dated the same person.

And no. She is not happy. My ex could do that all the time. It was bizarre. We could be having the craziest fight in the world and my eyes would be all puffy and I would be so sad and someone would come around and she would be all smiles like she is having the best day of her life. Meanwhile, I would be hiding out in the room with the lights off, hoping that the person didn't know I was there. She could do that all the time. It was actually kind of frightening. I would wonder... .  What? She can do that?

So, don't read into what's going on with her. Honestly, you will probably never really understand anyways. Focus on yourself. Heal yourself. The next dude that she is with will be on these boards sooner or later.

[freshlySane]

Hey Dude,

Don't worry about it. You are hurting. You made a mistake. Don't sweat it. Brush it off. And yes. I've done way worse too. Sometimes when she calls and catches me off guard, I say all kinds of stuff that I don't even mean! It's weird.

And yes. The stories are all so similar. It is super weird. Perhaps we all dated the same person.

And no. She is not happy. My ex could do that all the time. It was bizarre. We could be having the craziest fight in the world and my eyes would be all puffy and I would be so sad and someone would come around and she would be all smiles like she is having the best day of her life. Meanwhile, I would be hiding out in the room with the lights off, hoping that the person didn't know I was there. She could do that all the time. It was actually kind of frightening. I would wonder... .  What? She can do that?

So, don't read into what's going on with her. Honestly, you will probably never really understand anyways. Focus on yourself. Heal yourself. The next dude that she is with will be on these boards sooner or later.

wow you opened up a memory for me that helps me see her for her when we were breaking apart and i was talking to her she told me she had the most wonderful conversations with everyone other then me. even new boy she is with.

id literally look for topics to discussonline on facebook the news newspaper magazine twitter you name is

shed dismiss me with a quick cold response  or ignore me but somehow a conversation on burritos was fascinating to her with this guy.

I lost my voice (not literally) i couldn't talk to her anymore i felt so lost and so down that i couldn't think of things to talk about and i am a natural chatterbox with friends and i told her like i am walking on eggshells when it comes to conversation  because you dismiss me as "i dont care" or i dont want to talk about that" ( and i have to listen to stuff about makeup and reality shows but im alway attentive).

  shed make an attempt to talk to me and if the conversation felt flat id get "see i tried to talk to you but you still have nothing to say"

(Vent coming ) well if i call you, text you, and i'm like "hey babe theres a new show that youd probably like its your genre i taped all the episodes come over we can watch together" and i would get a cold "thats nice but no i  got my own shows to watch thank you" or id say "hows your day" id get "fine" ... .  yea real effort on her part

[healingmyheart]

FreshlySane, Can I ask how long it has been since you've split?  Its only been a week for me and everyday I get the temptation to do just what you did... .  in fact  a few days after we split I went to the location of our first date(beautiful nature reserve) and sent a picture to my ex BPD... .  boy, was that not a good idea.  Please be understanding of yourself.  We all truly were addicted to their ways and we will have weak moments... .  it's ok.  You will get there but there may be curves in the road along the way.  it's about taking those baby steps and as long as you're heading in the right direction then it's all good.

[freshlySane]

FreshlySane, Can I ask how long it has been since you've split?  Its only been a week for me and everyday I get the temptation to do just what you did... .  in fact  a few days after we split I went to the location of our first date(beautiful nature reserve) and sent a picture to my ex BPD... .  boy, was that not a good idea.  Please be understanding of yourself.  We all truly were addicted to their ways and we will have weak moments... .  it's ok.  You will get there but there may be curves in the road along the way.  it's about taking those baby steps and as long as you're heading in the right direction then it's all good.

six months now i now its been half a year but some-days the wounds are still fresh

[HarmKrakow]

FreshlySane, Can I ask how long it has been since you've split?  Its only been a week for me and everyday I get the temptation to do just what you did... .  in fact  a few days after we split I went to the location of our first date(beautiful nature reserve) and sent a picture to my ex BPD... .  boy, was that not a good idea.  Please be understanding of yourself.  We all truly were addicted to their ways and we will have weak moments... .  it's ok.  You will get there but there may be curves in the road along the way.  it's about taking those baby steps and as long as you're heading in the right direction then it's all good.

six months now i now its been half a year but some-days the wounds are still fresh

I'm afraid to tell you that the wounds are fresh because from time to time you open them with these sort of actions. And might even put salt in your wounds. You are the one tearing them open.

Your ex is now with another one, who is also put on the pedestal phase and (ofcourse) that is the best phase ever. My pedestal/clinging phase with my BPD ex might be the best intense/passionate time of my live ever... .  aaand I might never get that back. And I can wonder forever, what if I did this... or that ... to fix it?

But to put it back to as much facts as possible...

1) ... she didn't emotionally detach from you as easy as you think she did. It's not like she has a button, due to her own emotional immaturity and emotional brainfunctioning she didn't know anything else besides this way of dumping you. And yes, that is a lack of empathy but it is the borderline in full control.

2) ... you getting back to her, isn't healing. It isn't. You need to seek your strength from somewhere else. Set your self little targets in life. Life is now about you, and not what she might think of you or whether or not you guys might get back together...

[GreenMango]

FS I don't think your stupid... .  but I know that feeling. Many of us here have reached out or responded ... .  Or recycled.  Sometimes hope is like that.

I needed the lesson many times before it stuck.  We keep getting the opportunity to learn it over and over until then.

So how would you like to handle this next time?

[GustheDog]

Echoing everyone else, you're just witnessing what the guy before you witnessed after she did this to HIM, and the guy before that saw it with him, and the guy before that and the guy before that, ad nauseum.

Many or most of those guys probably haven't figured out what really sunk their r/s, and if you want to talk about self-blame, think about what it'd be like to have never discovered the disorder or this site.

They might go to their graves with regrets about "ruining it" with her - "the one that got away."  You know better.

Right now, I am in the same position that my ex's awful, abusive, loser exbf was in when I was being idealized.  If the things she said about him - and about me at the time - were true, I wouldn't be here right now.

It sucks to get dismissed like that when you get weak and reach out.  I've done it.  Lots.  I've made a right proper fool of myself.  But enough is enough, and what the hell is wrong with me if I keep returning for the same dose of abuse? 

When I have some clarity, though, I can think about the whole relationship and everything that she said and did objectively.  I usually end up shaking my head and laughing because it really is such a joke.  I'm saddened by all of it, but it has been probably the single richest learning experience of my life. 

If you take a step back, it's easier to see you've missed the forest for the trees.

[freshlySane]

Well you guys asked and last night she replied With "i know someone that loved to watch me dance to "million dollar girl" ... .  tell that person that i said he has crossed my thoughts in positive ways as well. I wish him all the best too"...

completely shocked and hurt because she is still going on about her new guy on twitter

[GreenMango]

Hey why are you looking at her Twitter?

[freshlySane]

Hey why are you looking at her Twitter?

i guess i like pain im a giant idiot

[HarmKrakow]

Hey why are you looking at her Twitter?

i guess i like pain im a giant idiot

You like pain? Have you ever heard of the term masochist? I don't think you are one ...

[GreenMango]

It's a hard spot FS.  I'm sorry it hurts right now.  Are there some other things you can do instead of looking at that Twitter crap?  

Ps I doubt those public newsfeeds like Twitter are all roses as people make them out to be.  Ya only get limited amount of words to craft an image.

[freshlySane]

It's a hard spot FS.  I'm sorry it hurts right now.  Are there some other things you can do instead of looking at that Twitter crap?  

Ps I doubt those public newsfeeds like Twitter are all roses as people make them out to be.  Ya only get limited amount of words to craft an image.

I am enlisting in the Army and my enlistment processing got held up since i been home all day im plagued with thoughts of her