Am I reading this correctly and how to deal

[sheepdog]

Hi everyone,

The BPD I had in my life and I have not spoken for over two years.  I have zero desire to ever speak to him again. 

He contacted me in August but I didn't open or read his email.

I found out through friends that he met a girl in September and according to the girl they 'compliment each other perfectly.'  (She has a blog and yes, I read it.)  In her blog, she said she was with a guy that she thought she was going to marry but he lived in another country so they broke up and two weeks later she hooked up with BPD (though, of course, she has no idea he has BPD).  She lost her house due to a flood and he was her knight in shining armor and had her move in with him (though, truly, he was living with friends because he moved out of his apartment).  They moved in to an apartment together a few days ago and this week they got engaged.

I know we can't judge and I'm not necessarily asking about HER, but more to gauge about myself:  I know we don't know her, but does this girl have issues?  Or is it normal to get engaged and move in with a guy after knowing him three months?

Like I said, we haven't spoken nor seen each other in over two years.  He is still friends with the other girl I work with that he had an affair with (actually, that's who he was living with - her and her husband and kids).  Also, he used to go by a stupid name on Facebook and deleted that page and now he's on it with his own name.  And he is friending all of these friends of mine (we used to work together) so I have seen him and his fiancé and he looks so happy.

Please, please, please know - I am not at all coming at this from a jealousy standpoint.  Instead, I am reflecting this on ME.  Like I said, he looks so happy, he is still friends with my ex-friend that was part of the triangle with he and I, he appears to have it together.  Was I not good enough?  Is this girl, his life now, being away from me, making him better?

I have been waiting for the friend who was in our triangle to get another job so I can delete her on FB but now he is friends with so many of my friends.

I am starting to get anxious, afraid he is going to tell them.  I know I sound paranoid but he was SO overly weird about Facebook and making sure he used a false name and also cutting off all ties with *everyone* we worked with when he left his job where we work.

So why now the about face?

I hope at least someone can understand what I'm trying (badly) to say.  I haven't been taking care of me.  Not physically or spiritually or mentally.  I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow in about 8 months.  I had already had it set up prior to all this.  My aunt has attempted suicide three times in 8 months and I don't know how to deal with that, either.

Thank you for letting me put all my fears out here.

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, first off, something to talk to your therapist about is why this guy is still so important and a big part of your life after two years.  I get that it's about you, but what is it about him?

But anyway

I know we can't judge and I'm not necessarily asking about HER, but more to gauge about myself:  I know we don't know her, but does this girl have issues?  Or is it normal to get engaged and move in with a guy after knowing him three months?

Sounds like she was rebounding, and we all know about a borderline's need to attach and how expertly they mirror and morph to become the perfect attachment.  If things play out per BPD standard she's in for a hell of a wake-up call, but who knows, maybe they'll somehow make it work and there will be less pain in the world.  Here's hoping in at least that sense.  And no sense in asking if you weren't good enough; if you ask that question your brain will come up with all kinds of answers why you're not.  Instead, how about How can I use this?  How does this serve me?  What's good about this?  What do I really want and how can I take steps in that direction right now?  Ask a better question, get a better answer.  Take care of you!

[sheepdog]

Hi fromheeltoheal,

It's not that he's a big part of my life in the way you may be thinking.

I had an affair with him.  We never had sex but we were involved.  It is so completely far from anything I've ever done in my life.  It goes completely against my morals and values.  I feel such intense shame and self-hatred.

I've had days and weeks where I don't think of him but when I do, it's tied in with my shame.

Now that he is friending (or they are friending him - not sure) many of my friends, I have to see him or posts friends like with him much more.

It makes me feel unsafe again.

It's such an about-face.

[Grey Kitty]

sheepdog, you have a lot of your own feelings to deal with around this guy, what he did to you, and what you did with him. Plus a bunch of doubts about what sort of person he really is, given his public facade about his new relationship, and some fears about what he could disclose about you.  there is still a lot to unwrap in there.

Here's the some other stuff you mention:

The BPD I had in my life and I have not spoken for over two years.  I have zero desire to ever speak to him again. 

I have been waiting for the friend who was in our triangle to get another job so I can delete her on FB but now he is friends with so many of my friends.

Now that he is friending (or they are friending him - not sure) many of my friends, I have to see him or posts friends like with him much more.

It makes me feel unsafe again.

There are some practical/technical solutions in this area. Here goes:

You know that it isn't healthy for you to ever speak with him again.  I think that seeing what he is up to on Facebook isn't healthy for you either.

You can block his profile on Facebook. Almost all of what you see from or about him will vanish. He won't be able to message you or send you a friend request, or see anything about you either. If a mutual friend says something about him, you will still see that, but 90% of it will go away. (I know--I've blocked one toxic person on FB, and it helped me a lot.)

Blocking somebody or just De-friending them is visible, even if not shown to them immediately and somewhat provocative. It probably isn't a good idea to do this with your friend/coworker, at least until she gets another job.

You can also unfollow someone on Facebook. They aren't hidden from you, you aren't hidden from them. Her posts just won't show up in your feed. If you are curious, you can still look at her wall. Doing this with her sounds like a good way to make yourself feel safer.