Am I not sensitive enough

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Take the test: Here

24-26. I wonder how much my avoidant traits contribute to the low score... .

I'll try to take this later. I've noticed that my avoidant traits are getting more pronounced... .not sure what is up with that. FF

I retook it the next day, with a pencil and paper this time instead of adding it in my head, and came out to 16, so I changed my vote.

I wonder if I am fooling myself, and if I suppress too many emotions in an unhealthy way?

My mom says that from the time she adopted me at 2.4 yrs until I moved out when I was 18, that I threw exactly one tantrum. It wasn't even in front of her, but in my room as she could hear me stomping around. When she would open the door to check, I'd switch calm in a nanosecond. When she left, it was back to me stamping and muttering. I was 8.

I think my often lack of reaction drove my Ex up a wall.

We weren't a good match in that respect.

[Turkish]

Take the test: Here

24-26. I wonder how much my avoidant traits contribute to the low score... .

I'll try to take this later. I've noticed that my avoidant traits are getting more pronounced... .not sure what is up with that. FF

I retook it the next day, with a pencil and paper this time instead of adding it in my head, and came out to 16, so I changed my vote.

I wonder if I am fooling myself, and if I suppress too many emotions in an unhealthy way?

My mom says that from the time she adopted me at 2.4 yrs until I moved out when I was 18, that I threw exactly one tantrum. It wasn't even in front of her, but in my room as she could hear me stomping around. When she would open the door to check, I'd switch calm in a nanosecond. When she left, it was back to me stamping and muttering. I was 8.

I think my often lack of reaction drove my Ex up a wall.

We weren't a good match in that respect.

[Zon]

24-26.

I wonder how much my avoidant traits contribute to the low score... .

I'll try to take this later.

I've noticed that my avoidant traits are getting more pronounced... .not sure what is up with that.

FF

I retook it the next day, with a pencil and paper this time instead of adding it in my head, and came out to 16, so I changed my vote. I wonder if I am fooling myself, and if I suppress too many emotions in an unhealthy way? My mom says that from the time she adopted me at 2.4 yrs until I moved out when I was 18, that I threw exactly one tantrum. It wasn't even in front of her, but in my room as she could hear me stomping around. When she would open the door to check, I'd switch calm in a nanosecond. When she left, it was back to me stamping and muttering. I was 8. I think my often lack of reaction drove my Ex up a wall. We weren't a good match in that respect.

My wife has complained in MC that I do not react to her.  This is mainly when she is angry with me.    I get a stone face without emotion on it.  Although I am highly sensitive, I do not show it since I have some schizoid tendencies.  It could also be a bit of "freeze" vs. fight or flight.  I admitted that my mind is analyzing very quickly all that is happening during those moments, but I show no emotion.  I think I used to show her my feelings during those moments, but it only escalated things which finally drove them away.

All my parents said I was well behaved if not too quiet.  If I was told not to do something, I would not do it again.

The reason I bring it up is that it may be the lack of reaction/frozen reaction to them that annoys them so much.  Possibly, it is less invigorating to fight with someone that is neither running nor fighting?

[DreamGirl]

Are you Vulcan? 

Do you love your children, Turk?

Don't they bring out the emotional side of you?

Those are silly questions, I know.

•1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.

How did your mama allow you to express emotions? Did it usually involve her emotions?

[eeks]

I forget if it was here at this forum, or in a book that I was reading some reference to mothers saying "oh, he was such a good baby, so well-behaved", meanwhile it is because the kid has learned to suppress their reactions because they are ignored or punished.  (if it was a book it was probably "They F*** You Up" by Oliver James.  Heavy, but recommended reading.)

I keep referring to this website, but it also happens to have the best adult attachment quiz I've run across... .www.dianepooleheller.com/attachment-quiz/   I like this one because you can answer on a scale and not just yes/no (we all know the answer is sometimes "well, it depends!" and it gives you not just your attachment style but just a percentage.  This explained something for me, my highest score was ambivalent but I've read about this attachment style before and thought "well, I fall for someone easily and I'm clingy, but not that clingy!"  It turns out an almost as high percentage of my answers were "secure".  So I'm insecure-ish.

I linked to that quiz because I'm not sure, I don't know enough about you, but some of what you say sounds like avoidant attachment.  Avoid getting emotionally involved or close because it predictably ends in pain.  I'm really not certain about that though, you would have to investigate for yourself, just throwing it out there.

[Turkish]

eeks- that's interesting. People always complimented my mom ( who got a suggestive dX of BPD I only found out this past summer) on how well behaved I was. I spoke beyond my years, and was always more attracted to interacting with adults. I was severely bullied from a young age, and that might have had a lot to do with it, too.

My mom related a story when she first adopted me. She was ("is" she reminds me) a registered nurse. She did a psych rotation as part of her training, worked with kids, too. She was ready for a struggle due to me being adopted. She was my fourth home by the time I was 2.4. She was surprised at how well and quickly I bonded with her. Things weren't quite so simple, however.

We were at a garage sale, and she couldn't find me. She noticed me on the far corner of the lawn sitting down with my back turned. I had skinned my knee badly, it was bleeding. Instead of coming to her for comfort, I went to cry quietly to myself.

In my younger years, things were ok, but as I got older, the splitting started. My birth mother was a likely FAS, born on an Indian reservation, and both of my parents were addicts. That's why they gave me up. My mom and the doctors thought that my nose may have been broken as a baby. Hard to say.

With my mom, I quickly became afraid of getting smacked, as it was quite a lot. WoE, in retrospect. I was told a few times, probably around 10 that I can remember, perhaps earlier, "sometimes I wish I'd never adopted you!" (You and me both lady).

I purposely didn't tell the counselor we went to when I was 13 what was really going on. 25 years later, my mom shared with me that he thought I was one of the most well-adjusted young men he'd ever met. My T picked up on my "healthy disrespect" for his profession. My mom was supposed to be in the sessions, too, but she abandoned me after one appointment and slept in the car.

When I was 14, CPS was after her. This was the worst time. I thought, "I should tell him the truth," but I remembered thinking, "do I really want to go back to foster care, or tough it out for 4 more years?" I toughed it out and move out on my 18th bday. Haven't spent a night back since, which is impossible since my mom's a hoarder.

I made a concious decision to stop crying at 13 or 14, no matter what. I saw a tough guy crying on the football field in PE, and I thought,."how weak," and made my vow. Not for mom, not for pain, not for anybody. That was the year my mom was raging at me so badly that my brain shut down. I had a seizure and fell to the ground. To this day, my mom says that that was the only time that she "may have crossed the line" into abuse. Thankfully we were on a dirt road and my head didn't hit pavement 

When I was in my late 20s, perhaps early 30s, I auto diagnosed myself as being Schizoid, Zon. Now I don't, however.

DG: I have no problem showing affection, playing, and interacting with my kids. If anything,.I'm more affectionate with them, especially as compared to other fathers I observe from their mother's machismo culture. I think that's one reason why I have gotten zero criticism from her as a father since she moved out. Yes, due to being formerly schizoid like, Mr. Spock was da bomb. After I got older and watched the old ST episodes as a wiser adult, I realized that a lot of the themes were about Spock's struggle between logic and emotion.

I still love Sarek's comment at the end of ST4, and it elicits a chuckle:

Ambassador Sarek: As I recall, I opposed your enlistment in Starfleet. It is possible that judgment was incorrect. Your associates are people of good character.

Spock: They are my friends.

Ambassador Sarek: Yes, of course Said dismissively. What a jerk!

The other day when I picked up the kids, their mom asked me, "what does D2 do when she falls down, because with me, she doesn't cry, she just seems to get angry, gets up and shakes it off." I replied,."well, she really doesn't fall down much with me, but yeah, she's like that (unlike S5 who literally cries over spilt milk). Maybe it's also genetic?

D2: "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... ."

S5 says he wants to be like me, so the song's for him, too. 

[Grey Kitty]

I just read your last response here... .and then went back to this question:

I wonder if I suppress too many emotions in an unhealthy way?

Uhm... .YES.

Or at least you did as a child. Well, unhealthy as in not what would be appropriate child development. Given how you were raised, it probably was a good coping mechanism, and was as healthy as you could manage.

However what you do about it now is a bigger. Have you cried as an adult?

[Zon]

Turkish, that was certainly a hard childhood for you.  I cannot think of a better word than hard, but I think there is one.

I was bullied by other kids starting at fifth grade due to moving a lot.  It stopped in my junior year because the group of odd (compliment) friends I had got rather tall.  Yea for luck.  I rarely spoke, but I preferred the company of adults and tried to be mature.  I learned how to mask what was/is going inside of me and do it very well.  My mom is odd and is a therapist.  Yes, that goes hand in hand.    However, I learned to hide my feelings and thoughts from someone that was very good at seeing inside of a person.  I wanted to hide all my hurt from others, but I do not know why I desired that.  I am going to ask my T about that.  Do not get me wrong; my mom does love me.

I made a concious decision to stop crying at 13 or 14, no matter what. I saw a tough guy crying on the football field in PE, and I thought,."how weak," and made my vow. Not for mom, not for pain, not for anybody. That was the year my mom was raging at me so badly that my brain shut down. I had a seizure and fell to the ground. To this day, my mom says that that was the only time that she "may have crossed the line" into abuse. Thankfully we were on a dirt road and my head didn't hit pavement 

When I was in my late 20s, perhaps early 30s, I auto diagnosed myself as being Schizoid, Zon. Now I don't, however.

Interesting.  I have also had a couple of seizures during very stressful times in my life but not due to any relationship.  Yes, a dirt road would be better.  I found something very solid with my nose in the first seizure.  No breaks, but it was very purple.

My mom told me that I tend towards Schizoid tendencies.  I trust her judgement.  Plus, I read about it, and it was pretty accurate in many parts.  The no desire for sex part of it was FAR off though. 

DG: I have no problem showing affection, playing, and interacting with my kids. If anything,.I'm more affectionate with them, especially as compared to other fathers I observe from their mother's machismo culture. I think that's one reason why I have gotten zero criticism from her as a father since she moved out. Yes, due to being formerly schizoid like, Mr. Spock was da bomb. After I got older and watched the old ST episodes as a wiser adult, I realized that a lot of the themes were about Spock's struggle between logic and emotion.

That would explain why Spock was my favorite character.

The other day when I picked up the kids, their mom asked me, "what does D2 do when she falls down, because with me, she doesn't cry, she just seems to get angry, gets up and shakes it off." I replied,."well, she really doesn't fall down much with me, but yeah, she's like that (unlike S5 who literally cries over spilt milk). Maybe it's also genetic?

D2: "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... ."

S5 says he wants to be like me, so the song's for him, too. 

Adoption probably makes it much harder to assess if it is genetic or not.

In general, I think girls can be more tolerant of physical pain than boys.  Giving birth requires it.

My daughter would always show what hurt her as opposed to where it hurt on her.  She has a very high pain tolerance.  When one of her teeth was just starting to be ready to come out, she just pulled it out and showed it to us.  I was a wuss compared to her.    My son is also pretty pain tolerant, however, he does not tolerate mother's yelling very well.  He cries or hits her.

That is one of my favorite songs.  I remember it from when I was about seven.  It held more and more meaning as I got older.  I have it inside me as my children grow up.

[Turkish]

Zon, I'm sorry that your therapist mother diagnosed you like that. It seems to me to be a violation of ethics in a way, do you think? Not only professional, but between a mother and son. I don't watch the show anymore (Ex and I used to watch it together, and now I can't stand to), I'm thinking of Leonard's T mother on The Big Bang Theory.

As for Spock, the poor guy was invalidated by both of his cultures of origin. Everyone kept telling him how to feel and who to be.

I just read your last response here... .and then went back to this question:

I wonder if I suppress too many emotions in an unhealthy way?

Uhm... .YES.

Or at least you did as a child. Well, unhealthy as in not what would be appropriate child development. Given how you were raised, it probably was a good coping mechanism, and was as healthy as you could manage.

However what you do about it now is a bigger. Have you cried as an adult?

Oh yes... .after this all happened. I remember my T asking me, "Have you cried?" I replied, "What do you think I have been doing for months, man?" He tried a lot of tricks from his T bag, but I understood what he was doing, as well as the time he tried to trick me into admitting that I touched my Ex as a threat based upon a story I told him months earlier about pointing my finger at her. "No," I replied, "I did not 'put my finger against her chest' to make a point. I never touched her out of anger. She did me a few times, though."

So yes, I got better as an adult. When they gave S5 his first shot as a baby, I felt tears spring to my eyes when he cried. When they strapped him down like a mental patient a year ago and gassed him for sedation dentistry, he was struggling and crying out. Dang, I feel myself reacting to it now! It felt horrible how confused he was, crying and struggling. I came out of the room visibly shaken. My Ex asked how it went, and I said, "he's ok, but it's good that you stayed out here. I think it was more traumatic for me!"

Backing up... .when I was in college, I remember telling my mom about a book we were reading for Cultural Anthropology. The author was saying he was raised in a time where men didn't cry. I told my mom I thought the guy was tough. My mom said he wasn't tough at all, and that men should cry (then again, she says "everyone should be in therapy". I think I knew she would say that; I just wanted to hear her say it. Validation of my internal rebellion?

Going back further... .when I was a little kid, I remember crying when our first dog died. Later, my mom and some other people in the suburbs got it into themselves to raise rabbits in our backyards. We sold some for Easter, and slaughtered others. I know kids growing up on farms are tough, but I watched a few of the rabbit slaughters and it disturbed me. One should never hear the screaming of the rabbits. I hated the rabbit soup we had, too, also in part because of the little bones.

When we moved to the country when I was 12 (going from 1983 to 1883 overnight), we raised dogs. At one point, we had up to 50 dogs roaming the property. We had 25 acres surrounded by tens of thousands of uninhabited forest land. The nearest electric pole was a mile away. We had one neighbor a half mile away, and the rest a mile away, but only East. I saw many dogs die due to old age, parvovirus, or accidents. I considered them all pets, and had silly nicknames for every one of them, but after a few died, I just stopped letting it affect me. I just felt it was the way it was.

There are a few The Silence of the Lambs jokes in here somewhere... .

[Zon]

Zon, I'm sorry that your therapist mother diagnosed you like that. It seems to me to be a violation of ethics in a way, do you think? Not only professional, but between a mother and son. I don't watch the show anymore (Ex and I used to watch it together, and now I can't stand to), I'm thinking of Leonard's T mother on The Big Bang Theory.

As for Spock, the poor guy was invalidated by both of his cultures of origin. Everyone kept telling him how to feel and who to be.

It did not offend me nor hurt me that she told me.  It was only very recently and not while I was growing up.  She did not diagnose me as schizoid.  She pointed out my traits from it while telling me that having traits does not mean the same as having a personality disorder.  We all have traits from various disorders.  Severity and number of them are the keys.  She knows about my situation with my wife and the therapy I am going through.  It was by her suggestion that I get therapy (with someone else) as I was kind of losing it.  Although I went technical with my career, my high school test to guess on what I would like as a career also listed research in psychology. 

Yes, regarding Spock.

Also, R.I.P. Leonard Nimoy.