Any suggestions on daily work for myself?

[Vols4555]

 

It is a constant cycle with me... .I start reading my literature and feel better about myself and that I can survive her behavior (primarily for
My Kids) and then I stop reading and get comfortable and want to leave bc she is irrational, can’t control her emotions, won’t change and it feels
Hopeless.

I tried to have a conversation this week about chores... .in hopes of trending to more vital topics to our marriage in my eyes and she literally gaslighted the entire conversation for 2 hours and we accomplished nothing and basically she said she is refusing to try anything new (even with me saying we will get divorced if we can’t change).

But back on topic... .is there any daily work that y’all put in that helps you stay level and on top of the situation. I will still mess up even if I do daily work but at least it will improve my odds!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

then I stop reading and get comfortable and want to leave bc she is irrational, can’t control her emotions, won’t change and it feels
Hopeless.

first and foremost, stick with your support group. make it a major part of your lifestyle. dont halfway commit if you want to solve major obstacles.

second, interact with the support group. respond to others. youd be amazed at how working with others can help you see yourself, and help keep you in problem solving mode.

third, if you arent, see a therapist and make a strong commitment there. in my mind, its a critical component of support and staying centered.

what happened in the conversation about chores? how did you approach it? what was said?

as general advice, i would stay clear of linking a discussion of chores to vital topics in your marriage... .thats a connection no one wants to make. its best to approach relationship issues in times of calm... .and over a period of time. dont hit everything at once, and try to stretch each topic over a period of days so each of you have time to reflect, and in particular, do a whole lot of just listening.

[Vols4555]

I outlined all the chores and made a rating system so we could assign tasks to each other.  I guess I approached it kind of aggressively bc I felt like my life has become unmanageable and I feel like she doesn’t take me seriously or gaslights if I don’t convey the importance to me.  Her addiction/escape is horses so her family and our house falls by the wayside from time to time (I work full time and she is a housewife).  I wanted to work up to scaling back on horses so we could spend more time together (hence starting with chores bc as you can tell, less horses is going to be difficult).

In typing all this out, I can see that my thought process was probably not a good way in talking to someone with BPD.

[Harri]

Hi Vols.

It is okay if you started a bit too strong.  it happens.  Slow it down though.  We have an article that I think may help in terms of expectations of yourself and for your wife: What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship

Interacting with a person with mental illness often involves doing the opposite of what makes sense to us.  Learning about the disorder and what drives the beahviors can help you make better choices and ease communication.  when you are ready, check out the communication tools we offer here.

[Vols4555]

Thanks, Harri!

I have been diving into this message board all day and it helps.  Makes you feel like you aren’t alone, which it is easy to feel that way with a BPD spouse, and there is so much great info on communication.  I will try to practice better boundaries, communication, and remembering that I control me and that’s all I can do.

[Harri]

That is great that you are finding the info helpful.  You definitely are not alone in this. 

I am going to repeat some of what Once removed said and say: One of the benefits of coming here and posting regularly is that as you read and help others,, you can get answers and insight to your own situation.  Don't underestimate the support and learning that can happen in an online community like this.

Work out some problems here.  Practice using tools like S.E.T. and Don't JADE and see if you can link boundaries to your personal boundaries.  The collective wisdom here is another incredible tool.  You have a lot on your plate so take it slow but keep working at it.

[once removed]

any update? has anything transpired since?