Ex-BF with BPD & Bipolar Harassing Me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello...

I am seeking some support and guidance for what has been the most confusing and terrifying breakup I have ever been through.

I dated this man for only a few months, but he moved the relationship at such an intense speed that I thought I loved him. I became pregnant very soon into the relationship and he was so elated, promising me a "perfect" future for our family. I am not exactly young and thought maybe this is my last chance to have family, which made me especially vulnerable to how irrational this whole situation was. Red-flags started to develop around this time...a few months into the relationship. He went from a very earnest and loving partner to having intense mood swings and wildly overreacting to small disagreements. It was very hard for me to deal with because I was dealing with pregnancy hormones. The breaking point for me was when he told me that I am the worst human being in the world and basically satan, when I was three months pregnant. I decided to leave him and end the pregnancy so that I would be completely free and safe from whom I started to deem as a dangerous and unstable person.

Well, that was all a trauma on it's own...the love bombing, mirroring, fast intense pace that completely swept me up, the pregnancy and end of...but then the aftermath of the breakup has been even more traumatizing. 

I chose to end the pregnancy and breakup with him, and he very much wanted the baby and relationship. Although I have asked him clearly on  only one occasion for no further contact, he continues to send me incredibly manipulative and delusional emails and now letters. All of his communications tell me I am basically god now and that we are a perfect couple. It is incredibly unsettling. I haven't responded to any contact attempts based on what I understand about BPD, but I am starting to feel unsafe.

He sends something at least once a week and the communication is all extremely intense and detached from reality. Last week I received a very concerning letter from him and so I reached out to his therapist asking if she thought it would be helpful for me to have one therapy session with them to offer him more closure. She said no contact is still best. Today I received a post card...It is incredibly disturbing and written like we are still together and nothing has happened.

I have not been able to begin healing emotionally from my own grief of the ending of the relationship and the pregnancy because of his constant manipulative harassment...(letters, postcards, mailing me photos of us, leaving weird gifts at my house, following my friends on social media, VM's...I can see blocked callers VMs.)

I am not sure if this is all relatively harmless (other than emotional terror) BPD behavior or if I should be concerned about my safety because it feels like he is obsessed with me and unwilling to respect my boundaries.

He has already robbed me of my sense of safety, I check all the door and window locks multiple times at night, have a hard time sleeping, look over my shoulder constantly whenever I leave the house, have a sense of dread when checking the mail...

I have never been in a dramatic relationship like this before, and before I met him considered myself to be pretty laid back and stress free. I used to feel safe in the world and thought that most people are inherently good before I met him... I have talked to my therapist and also his therapist as mentioned above, and I get the sense that they have no idea what they are dealing with and have been of little help.

My next steps are to request no contact one final time and then notify the police if I hear from him again. I am worried that involving law enforcement will anger him to the point of escalating his stalking to violence. I just have no idea what he's capable of. Like I said I only knew him a short time.

I certainly have compassion for people struggling with mental illness and don't wish to perpetuate stereotypes, but this experience has really tested my limits and I am extremely angry that this person's instability has unraveled me and gotten into my life and psyche to the extent that it has. How did this happen?

Stalking and BPD seem to have a lot in common...I can't tell what is what with him. He has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as bipolar and as far as I know is on medication. He also told me that he believes he is BPD, but is undiagnosed.

Any advice or validation would be much appreciated! This experience has been hell, and it feels like there is no end in sight. I imagine if I wasn't a female being harassed by a male I wouldn't feel so scared...

[purplep]

Hello...

I am seeking some support and guidance for what has been the most confusing and terrifying breakup I have ever been through.

I dated this man for only a few months, but he moved the relationship at such an intense speed that I thought I loved him. I became pregnant very soon into the relationship and he was so elated, promising me a "perfect" future for our family. I am not exactly young and thought maybe this is my last chance to have family, which made me especially vulnerable to how irrational this whole situation was. Red-flags started to develop around this time...a few months into the relationship. He went from a very earnest and loving partner to having intense mood swings and wildly overreacting to small disagreements. It was very hard for me to deal with because I was dealing with pregnancy hormones. The breaking point for me was when he told me that I am the worst human being in the world and basically satan, when I was three months pregnant. I decided to leave him and end the pregnancy so that I would be completely free and safe from whom I started to deem as a dangerous and unstable person.

Well, that was all a trauma on it's own...the love bombing, mirroring, fast intense pace that completely swept me up, the pregnancy and end of...but then the aftermath of the breakup has been even more traumatizing. 

I chose to end the pregnancy and breakup with him, and he very much wanted the baby and relationship. Although I have asked him clearly on  only one occasion for no further contact, he continues to send me incredibly manipulative and delusional emails and now letters. All of his communications tell me I am basically god now and that we are a perfect couple. It is incredibly unsettling. I haven't responded to any contact attempts based on what I understand about BPD, but I am starting to feel unsafe.

He sends something at least once a week and the communication is all extremely intense and detached from reality. Last week I received a very concerning letter from him and so I reached out to his therapist asking if she thought it would be helpful for me to have one therapy session with them to offer him more closure. She said no contact is still best. Today I received a post card...It is incredibly disturbing and written like we are still together and nothing has happened.

I have not been able to begin healing emotionally from my own grief of the ending of the relationship and the pregnancy because of his constant manipulative harassment...(letters, postcards, mailing me photos of us, leaving weird gifts at my house, following my friends on social media, VM's...I can see blocked callers VMs.)

I am not sure if this is all relatively harmless (other than emotional terror) BPD behavior or if I should be concerned about my safety because it feels like he is obsessed with me and unwilling to respect my boundaries.

He has already robbed me of my sense of safety, I check all the door and window locks multiple times at night, have a hard time sleeping, look over my shoulder constantly whenever I leave the house, have a sense of dread when checking the mail...

I have never been in a dramatic relationship like this before, and before I met him considered myself to be pretty laid back and stress free. I used to feel safe in the world and thought that most people are inherently good before I met him... I have talked to my therapist and also his therapist as mentioned above, and I get the sense that they have no idea what they are dealing with and have been of little help.

My next steps are to request no contact one final time and then notify the police if I hear from him again. I am worried that involving law enforcement will anger him to the point of escalating his stalking to violence. I just have no idea what he's capable of. Like I said I only knew him a short time.

I certainly have compassion for people struggling with mental illness and don't wish to perpetuate stereotypes, but this experience has really tested my limits and I am extremely angry that this person's instability has unraveled me and gotten into my life and psyche to the extent that it has. How did this happen?

Stalking and BPD seem to have a lot in common...I can't tell what is what with him. He has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as bipolar and as far as I know is on medication. He also told me that he believes he is BPD, but is undiagnosed.

Any advice or validation would be much appreciated! This experience has been hell, and it feels like there is no end in sight. I imagine if I wasn't a female being harassed by a male I wouldn't feel so scared...

[Cromwell]

hi purplep

I was stalked and harassed and it maybe the gender difference makes some difference, but it was still a disturbing and unsettling time. I felt also embarrassing to get the police involved, but it turned out a good move and they were understandable. It stopped the harassment but it took a while to mentally unwind from it.

Its difficult to know the specifics, I also feel it even more concerning you are pregnant with child. Reach out for any family and friends that can support, consider the authorities. I agree with your therapist to stay no-contact, imagine if after the 3rd attempt, you do contact him and reply? It makes him realise that eventually you will, he just needs to try more.

Can I ask from your last line, is there any fear of physical violence? how did he behave during the relationship - any tantrums, destroying things etc?

Youll get through this sorry how awful it must be at the moment. Dont hesitate to reach out for support or feel alone, if its medical, law enforcement, getting things logged however trivial may turn out to be very helpful later on, and to even stop him doing it now. There is no "set pattern" for different folk, but there is ways to deal with it you dont have to live in fear.

Regards, Cromwell

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi  purplep: 
My goodness you have been through a lot.  I'm so sorry you have had to endure it all, and the continued stalking.

If you have just told him once to leave you alone, then you could consider one more effort in writing, by snail mail. You might want to do a little research at the Superior Court site for where you live and read up on how to get a restraining order.  I know that mine has detailed instructions.  If contacting the police is the first step, then that is what you need to do.

You might consider getting a few personal protection things like a stun gun and pepper spray & perhaps a personal alarm and/or air horn.  I carry all of those items, when I walk my dog in my neighborhood because of escalating crime.

At least with a restraining order, you can have him arrested immediately, when he breaks the restrictions.  It would be beneficial to do a safety plan on what's the safest thing for you to do in certain situations.  i.e. if you don't have a door camera, don't answer your front door, unless you know who is there.

If you don't have him blocked on everything possible, you need to do that. There should be a way to not get vm's from a blocked number.  Hopefully you can get your friends to unfriend him on social media, if any of them accepted him as friends.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.  I can certainly understand how important it to you to have him break contact with you, so you can go through a healing process.

Best wishes.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear purplep-

I’m so very sorry for what you’ve been through.

Have you considered doing a search of the county records to determine whether he’s ever had any restraining orders placed against him in the past?

Also, was your breakup over the phone (live) or in writing?  Perhaps pass by your T (or authorities anonymously) that you’re having issues with an ex...  and ask if you NEED to “officially” tell him you wish no further contact in writing.  Maybe you can get some very sound advice? 

I’m thinking if you ARE advised to make another communication attempt, your tone would be VERY non-accusatory... i.e. “After much thought, I have concluded that I am in no position to be in a relationship.  I ask again that you please cease further contact.  Thank you.”

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes