Relationship help

[Swift137]

My boyfriend suffers from symptoms that all point to BPD From what I know about his childhood and from things I’ve read online. He has never been diagnosed he sees two therapist one in person and one on BetterHelp. He is the youngest of four he lost his mother to breast cancer two years ago and his father is not really in the picture . We have been together for over a year and I love him with all my heart I want to be with him forever and create a life with him. Some days I just feel so exhausted and don’t know what to do to help him sometimes I perceive his outbursts as childish tantrums and I reach a breaking point where I yell and scream at him back and I know that it’s not productive I just become at a loss of what to say or what to do.  I have begun experiencing my own symptoms of anxiety and stomach issues that I’ve never experienced before and I think that it is directly from all of the stress of my relationship. I do not want to break up with him I believe that he is a strong person who has been dealt such a crappy hand in life and I don’t believe that he’s doing any of this on purpose but I’m reaching out because I think that talking with other people about their experiences and what to do that might help me would be very beneficial. This is my first time doing something like this if anyone has any advice on when I can do please please please share. ♥️

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi swift  I'm so sorry to hear about all you're going through. You've come to the right place, people here really understand. There are things you can do to improve the way you feel about your relationship!

It helps us if we have a little more specific information, so do you mind sharing a few examples of behavior you have trouble with?

Read others' threads and check out the tools here, they are invaluable!

pj

[Swift137]

Thanks for your reply pj! Most of what I have trouble with are when im expressing my own feelings. He always finds someway to turn it around and then before I know it it’s about him. Then it escalates and he’s stamping his feet and throwing what’s basically a temper tantrum. I begin to lose all respect for him and hope for the future and I just want to actually rip the hair out of my head 

[Swift137]

For example the other day I asked him what happened to the hat that I had gotten him custom-made I hadn’t seen it in a while. He said that he lost it on a trip that we took and he was acting horribly on the trip and he deserved to lose it he felt so bad about it and said he was sorry. It’s only a hat and not that big of a deal but I was a little bummed about it and I don’t hide my feelings very well and he asked me if I was mad and I said no I was just a little bummed out. Before I knew it he was walking away from me walking back to me I went to my car he was getting in and out slamming the door he ripped the keys out of my hands he was screaming and crying it was really scary and not the first time something like this happened. I told him he was acting like a child and if he was going to do that he could get out of the car and then he just sat there and cried. And all of my feelings to start were null and void and I don’t think that’s fair. I didn’t flip out on him for losing the hat, I was just a little disappointed. I try to stay calm when expressing my feelings and put it in words that don’t hurt but it doesn’t seem to matter. He finds the negative in it and ALWAYS makes me feel like I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.

[Masang M]

Hi Swift 137,

My husband has the same problem of handling my emotions, in my case, he completely shuts down from me and pretty much ignores me. I feel hurt and agree that it is unfair because we do have the right to our emotions. What I am coming to understand after 28 years of marriage is that the person with BPD is already overwhelmed by their own emotions and they can't handle it, so when we express our emotions it sends them over the top in either externally expressing in your case or internally expressing in mine. I know my husband understands what he is doing is unfair his body reacts that way. He is in therapy and our hope over time is he will be able to support me when I am feeling scared or sad etc...
It has taken me a really long time to see this and the realization that I need a different outlet that is safe for me to express my feelings. I am not perfect at this and am a work in progress. What has worked for me is this site, therapy that I am hoping to increase in the new year and talking with my sister.
In my opinion, BPD is an unfair journey for both the one affected as well as the support people, thankfully in my case my body wants to change and is seeking therapy. It's still not easy thankfully this site exisist.
Good luck as you move forward and take advantage of this site, it has heped me in some pretty hard times. 

[Swift137]

Thanks so much for the advice Masang. I’m going to keep navigating this site and hopefully find more tools. I currently don’t see a therapist but am thinking about starting, I just have to work some things out with my health insurance. Was thinking about trying to better help app. I just hope things get better soon. I wish you luck also on your progress. I need to get back some outlets I use to be really into such as writing music and playing guitar. Some days I’m so tired from everything I just veg out watching tv till i fall asleep and I know it’s not a good pattern but that’s the rut I’ve been in.

[pursuingJoy]

Swift, I really feel for you in all that you're dealing with right now. I think Masang nailed it - his feelings overwhelm him, and when he takes yours on too, that sends him over the edge. I want you to know, though, that it's ok for you to have feelings. It's also normal and appropriate for you to show him those feelings. He is unable to control his own emotions but that doesn't mean the way you feel is unimportant or invalid. I'd be bummed if my husband lost a special hat gift. I think you handled that situation well.

I know your relationship is overwhelming right now, but the tools on this site and the advice you receive here will encourage you that things can get better. You can't control him, but you can learn how to make things better, manage your own emotions, and focus on improving your relationship by keeping yourself on solid ground.

This or something similar will probably happen again, so let's start thinking about how to respond. It helps to be prepared. In the meantime, I think it'd be amazing to check back in to your love for music. Therapy, the better help app, writing here, talking to friends, all of those are great ways to vent and find support. The more outlets you have, the stronger you'll feel.

We're here, Swift. Hang in there!
pj
 

[Swift137]

PJ thanks so much! Sometimes it’s hard for me to hold back on responding back to him in a negative way. I’ve been able to control lashing out but it’s hard. We’re both the type of people who want instant gratification and I know it won’t happen he has a harder time accepting that but it’s a process and I just have to keep reminding him as well as myself of that. He’s already made so much progress since we first got together. Again, he’s not diagnosed with BPD but he definitely has a personality disorder and it fits with the symptoms. I’m going to his therapy session with him Monday maybe I can gain some more insight on things I can do to help