When to prepare for custody battle as a Dad

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm just about done with 'Eggshells' and am making plans to enforce some boundaries, starting with the kids.
I suspect my wife has BPD, something I haven't brought up with her.  She claims she has PMDD, PTSD, OCD, and ADHD and that's why she behaves the way she does.  She is seeing a therapist but the prevailing takeaway she relates is that her victim mentality is validated.  Her recent mantra has been "I'm the victim of other people's bad choices."  However, I don't feel like any disorder warrants the hot/cold behavior she has with our children- especially our 8 year old daughter who seems to be getting the bulk of it.  My wife often uses screaming and fear tactics to motivate both of them at school (we're homeschooling which complicates things).  My daughter has been diagnosed with Social (Pragmatic) Communication Disorder- but I think this is inaccurate.  I think my daughter has been conditioned to mistrust what she's thinking/feeling in fear of setting off a rage episode.  My daughter even admitted to me yesterday (just me and her driving) that she often has this 'choice paralysis' with her mom because she doesn't know what to say and is worried if she says the wrong thing 'mommy will yell at me and make me and my brother cry.'

I read a passage in 'Eggshells' about how a father should console his children after being verbally assaulted.  I held back tears- it's what I wished my dad had said to me growing up and I immediately recognized where I've been failing my kids.

So, I'm starting there.  My wife has previously told me (ordered me) to "stay out of it" when the yelling starts but I have to start stepping in- and I recognize I should have intervened much earlier.  I've been enabling this behavior even pre-kids and I thought it was normal- or just her quirk.  My conflict resolution historically has just been to let her yell and scream while I apologize until she wears herself out.  I'll spare the details here, but suffice to say it feels like a majority of the 'Eggshells' book was lifted from our lives.

Thinking ahead, the next time she has a screaming session at the kids my plan is to step in and tell her we need to remove ourselves from this situation.  Either she can go upstairs by herself to calm down or I'll go with her after making sure the kids are okay and explaining a bit of what's going on (basically mommy is upset but it's not okay for her to yell like that, are you guys okay?).  If she refuses then I'll suggest that I take the kids for a quick walk.  I am concerned that at this point she may get violent or in some way physically attempt to keep us from leaving.

Sorry for the long post, but I feel this warrants some backstory and it's relevant (I think) to a potential custody battle.
When our daughter was born, my wife had what I now recognize as a major BPD episode.  She made some very serious statements about harming herself and our newborn.  She was institutionalized for a few days.  During that time she called me frequently, blaming me for everything.  I was terrified.  She blamed the hospital, she blamed the doctor at the facility, she blamed me, she blamed her mom.  She blamed the medication she was on during birth (she was admitted to the facility 3 or 4 days post c-section birth).  To this day she says none of it was her fault and the medical community failed her.

Given that, her big fear and common trigger is someone taking the kids away from her.

All that to get to this: as a father when should I prepare for a custody battle?  I don't know if divorce is imminent or not.  I am hoping things can be saved but I grew up with a mother that was high conflict and father who was emotional absent (addicted to all sorts of pain killers).  I don't want my kids to suffer the same childhood.  It's difficult because 1/3 of the time she's a super mom.  Somehow I came out of my childhood largely unscathed- not perfect but I am working with a therapist on it.

A bulleted list of sorts of the situation:
Father works a full time job from home that he's had for over 10 years
Father also has a consulting job he does from home occasionally at night for about 8 years
Father provides health insurance, pays the bills, is in excellent physical and mental health (seeing a wonderful therapist btw)
Father does 80% of house work, ie dishes, floors, laundry, bath time, breakfast and lunch for kids
(harder to substantiate so maybe irrelevant?)

Mother is currently providing homeschool and does not work otherwise
Mother was institutionalized post birth of first child
Mother suspects she has OCD, ADHD, and PTSD

If we were to separate I'd want full custody.  I'd likely ask her to stay with her mother for a bit who lives a few states away.  I'd give the children a choice on school.  My work is flexible enough that I could potentially homeschool- my aunt lives close and she's offered a few times to be a supplemental educational source.  However, the schools around here are fantastic and if they wanted to go back they absolutely could.  I think it might be fun to get involved in PTA/school activities.

I'm worried this is extreme and I'm catastrophizing.  When she's having an episode her go to threat is leave saying things like "I hate you and I don't want to this anymore!  I just want to leave and runaway with the kids!"  I don't know how serious she is but it comes up enough that I feel I should at least be mentally prepared.

At this point, how prepared should I be?  Should I seek out an attorney?  Based on what I've said what are my chances of getting full custody?  Am I being dramatic?

[Guts42]

I'm just about done with 'Eggshells' and am making plans to enforce some boundaries, starting with the kids.
I suspect my wife has BPD, something I haven't brought up with her.  She claims she has PMDD, PTSD, OCD, and ADHD and that's why she behaves the way she does.  She is seeing a therapist but the prevailing takeaway she relates is that her victim mentality is validated.  Her recent mantra has been "I'm the victim of other people's bad choices."  However, I don't feel like any disorder warrants the hot/cold behavior she has with our children- especially our 8 year old daughter who seems to be getting the bulk of it.  My wife often uses screaming and fear tactics to motivate both of them at school (we're homeschooling which complicates things).  My daughter has been diagnosed with Social (Pragmatic) Communication Disorder- but I think this is inaccurate.  I think my daughter has been conditioned to mistrust what she's thinking/feeling in fear of setting off a rage episode.  My daughter even admitted to me yesterday (just me and her driving) that she often has this 'choice paralysis' with her mom because she doesn't know what to say and is worried if she says the wrong thing 'mommy will yell at me and make me and my brother cry.'

I read a passage in 'Eggshells' about how a father should console his children after being verbally assaulted.  I held back tears- it's what I wished my dad had said to me growing up and I immediately recognized where I've been failing my kids.

So, I'm starting there.  My wife has previously told me (ordered me) to "stay out of it" when the yelling starts but I have to start stepping in- and I recognize I should have intervened much earlier.  I've been enabling this behavior even pre-kids and I thought it was normal- or just her quirk.  My conflict resolution historically has just been to let her yell and scream while I apologize until she wears herself out.  I'll spare the details here, but suffice to say it feels like a majority of the 'Eggshells' book was lifted from our lives.

Thinking ahead, the next time she has a screaming session at the kids my plan is to step in and tell her we need to remove ourselves from this situation.  Either she can go upstairs by herself to calm down or I'll go with her after making sure the kids are okay and explaining a bit of what's going on (basically mommy is upset but it's not okay for her to yell like that, are you guys okay?).  If she refuses then I'll suggest that I take the kids for a quick walk.  I am concerned that at this point she may get violent or in some way physically attempt to keep us from leaving.

Sorry for the long post, but I feel this warrants some backstory and it's relevant (I think) to a potential custody battle.
When our daughter was born, my wife had what I now recognize as a major BPD episode.  She made some very serious statements about harming herself and our newborn.  She was institutionalized for a few days.  During that time she called me frequently, blaming me for everything.  I was terrified.  She blamed the hospital, she blamed the doctor at the facility, she blamed me, she blamed her mom.  She blamed the medication she was on during birth (she was admitted to the facility 3 or 4 days post c-section birth).  To this day she says none of it was her fault and the medical community failed her.

Given that, her big fear and common trigger is someone taking the kids away from her.

All that to get to this: as a father when should I prepare for a custody battle?  I don't know if divorce is imminent or not.  I am hoping things can be saved but I grew up with a mother that was high conflict and father who was emotional absent (addicted to all sorts of pain killers).  I don't want my kids to suffer the same childhood.  It's difficult because 1/3 of the time she's a super mom.  Somehow I came out of my childhood largely unscathed- not perfect but I am working with a therapist on it.

A bulleted list of sorts of the situation:
Father works a full time job from home that he's had for over 10 years
Father also has a consulting job he does from home occasionally at night for about 8 years
Father provides health insurance, pays the bills, is in excellent physical and mental health (seeing a wonderful therapist btw)
Father does 80% of house work, ie dishes, floors, laundry, bath time, breakfast and lunch for kids
(harder to substantiate so maybe irrelevant?)

Mother is currently providing homeschool and does not work otherwise
Mother was institutionalized post birth of first child
Mother suspects she has OCD, ADHD, and PTSD

If we were to separate I'd want full custody.  I'd likely ask her to stay with her mother for a bit who lives a few states away.  I'd give the children a choice on school.  My work is flexible enough that I could potentially homeschool- my aunt lives close and she's offered a few times to be a supplemental educational source.  However, the schools around here are fantastic and if they wanted to go back they absolutely could.  I think it might be fun to get involved in PTA/school activities.

I'm worried this is extreme and I'm catastrophizing.  When she's having an episode her go to threat is leave saying things like "I hate you and I don't want to this anymore!  I just want to leave and runaway with the kids!"  I don't know how serious she is but it comes up enough that I feel I should at least be mentally prepared.

At this point, how prepared should I be?  Should I seek out an attorney?  Based on what I've said what are my chances of getting full custody?  Am I being dramatic?

[EyesUp]

Guts42, I can relate.

Others with far more experience will be along to offer comments, but I'll share this:

Yes, you should begin to interview attorneys.  Interviewing is diligence, it does not mean that you are committed to any particular course of action - yet.  The diligence is for your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children, and potentially even for your spouse.

Seek an atty with experience in high conflict divorce, and PDs.  Ask them to describe cases like yours in which a father is seeking D from a PD mother, how they approached the case, and the outcome.  Attys with real experience should be able to provide a more detailed response, after the usual caveats (can't discuss other cases, every case is different, etc).

Only an atty can advise re: custody scenarios.  Sole custody is often a tall order, unless there are conspicuous and well documented factors (physical abuse of children, persistent drug use, other criminal behavior).

You can find attys who will take an exploratory call at no cost, usually :30 mins.  You're looking for someone who specializes in family law and spends a majority of their time on D.  You can look them up on Martindale, Avvo, and similar sites to get general info (how many years in practice, area of focus), but take online ratings with a boulder of salt.

If you can get a referral, do so.  Some local resources might be able to help.  I was referred to an excellent atty I never would have identified on my own via a men's support group.  I ended up hiring a different atty I found on my own, but I highly valued the referral and easily could have gone in that direction.  I interviewed 20+ attys... 

Take your time.  Listen carefully.  Document, document, document.  Start keeping a journal, if you haven't already.  Consider using an app like Evernote, which creates a timestamp for each new entry. 

Take pictures of your kids passports.  Start collecting financial info.  Secure important documents and other valuables.  Make a safety plan for you and your kids.  If there is a real chance of domestic violence, know when to call, and be prepared for what follows.  Several contributors here have tremendous insight in this area.

You'll find excellent resources here re: communicating with your W and kids, and cultivating skills you'll need no matter how your relationship develops from this point.   

Read everything you can.  After "Eggshells", I've found "Splitting" by Eddy/Kreger to be hugely helpful.

You're asking good questions, and giving yourself and your kids meaningful protection by thinking ahead.  It takes strength to ask these questions and to consider making changes. 

[worriedStepmom]

Definitely consult a lawyer to find out what your options are.  That doesn't mean you have to separate or file for divorce yet, it just means you want information so you can make better choices.

I'm glad you have a therapist.  That is really helpful! 

Do you think you could get the kids into therapy?  You can present it to your W as "the kids have issues, that's why they are making you so mad, let's get them help to deal with that to make your life better".  Therapy will really, really help them.

Is the homeschooling a new thing for this year because of COVID, or has she been homeschooling them for a long time?

[GaGrl]

Yes, talk to an attorney, and no, it isn't a waste of time and effort to document the level of household and childcare work you do. Also, who handles medical and dental appointments, etc.?

In a custody case, you might want to involve a GAL (Guardian as Litem) to represent the children's interests, and you can request a custody/parenting evaluation. Both the GAL and the evaluation can weigh heavily in negotiating an agreement or, if required, a judicial decision.

[Guts42]

Thank you all for the input!

I have a few connections in the legal world, so I'll reach out to a few friends.

All of us are actually in therapy!
Yup, my therapist is awesome.  She suspected my wife's BPD from our first session.  I went in thinking there was something wrong with me!  'Why am I sad all the time, why do I feel like I'm not doing enough, etc'

The homeschool thing started out as a response to COVID but now that they're home, my wife prefers it because she feels she can keep them safer here (particularly regarding school shootings).  The kids seem to like it for the most part because they all get to sleep in!  I like because it means less work for me- when they were in school I packed there lunches and did drop off/pickup.  My wife hasn't worked in about 8 years.  I was transitioning to work-from-home even before the pandemic so that wasn't a big change.

When my wife has an episode, often the kids come up and it almost always goes like this:
1.  "That's it I'm leaving you!"
2.  "I'm taking the kids and going!  I hate you!"
3.  "If you did get me out, the kids would stay with you because I can't support them..."
4.  "Please don't take them away from me..."
5.  "Why are you doing this to me?  I'll do anything!"

So it seems it some ways she's aware that they'd stay with me.  She jokes frequently, in front of the kids, that she just wants an apartment just for her and her dog so she won't have to deal with me or the kids anymore but that she can't afford it because she doesn't work and hates working.

I'll start keeping a log.  I'll checkout Evernote!  If nothing else it'll be good to keep me grounded when things are "normal" and something I can reference if she wants to work through this.

Thanks again!

[worriedStepmom]

I'm so glad the kids are in therapy too!  That will really help them.

How does your W react to authority figures?  If you do decide to divorce, is she the type to insist that she is right and fight to the bitter end, or is she the type to fold at the idea of facing a judge?

[Guts42]

Does anyone else feel a deep guilt?  I haven't mentioned my BPD suspicions to my wife (nor do I plan to) but I feel awful keeping this to myself.  I did run it by father (turns out my mom had BPD... lots to unpack here!) and that helped but I feel like there's canyon forming between me and my wife.

I found myself nearly in tears looking up local custody attorneys.  It's so tough- today was a 'good' day.  She saw her therapist who mostly just validated her emotions about past events without apparently challenging her to accept responsibility.  She was bouncing off the walls when she got home and just moments before she pulled up my thumb was hovering over the "contact" button for an attorney.  I feel like such a paranoid jerk...

[ForeverDad]

Seeking advance legal and counseling advice is smart and to be done without creating waves.  You should keep this to yourself.  Let the cat out of the bag too soon and you could be sabotaging yourself by incentivizing your spouse to scheme ways to obstruct you and your parenting.

Overview:  If your goal is to attempt to repair the marital/parental relationship, then you do share information, limited to appropriate information.  On the other hand, if you're pondering ending the marriage, that's different.  You have a right to your privacy and to keep many things confidential.  That includes discussions and consultations with family law attorneys, counselors, etc.  Consider what aspects beyond parenting information need to be shared.  Be forewarned that acting-out disordered spouses have a way of sabotaging such confidentiality boundaries, so ponder how you will address TMI issues (Too Much Information) that could end up sabotaging either you or your parenting.

Your logs or journals, as well and any essential documents or special mementos should be quietly kept in a location your spouse can't access.  Our members have had locked briefcases broken into, locked vehicle trunks pried open with tire irons, passwords have been broken on shared computers, phones hacked, one even said his wife came to his office while he was out and his secretary innocently let her wait there unobserved while she ransacked everything in his office.

Virtually all parents who become members here are of the "reasonably normal" sort, we often try too hard for too long and try to be super fair.  Sadly, in cases like ours, we can't afford to be overly fair, overly compliant or overly appeasing.  Don't worry whether court will expect you to be bending over backward to appease your spouse.  Courts expect some conflict as a separation or divorce starts.  Just be sure that your spouse can't use anything you do or say to make you appear as overly vindictive or any improper behavior.  One perspective to maintain is to imagine a judge or evaluator perched on your shoulder observing everything you do or say 24/7.  So no over-the-top venting even if exasperated or egged into overreacting.  Never lose your cool, although it is proper to maintain reasonable but firm boundaries on proper behavior.

A perspective I had in the months before my separation and afterward was that I had to document that I wasn't the one misbehaving or inciting conflict.  So I recorded myself quietly and without any fanfare.  (I didn't want to create conflict so I never waved it in my then-spouse's face.)  However, I wasn't recording her, I was just recording me, but... if she just so happened to be ranting and raging, well, I kept recording...

Courts don't seem to be disturbed by recording when appropriate, the only actions I recall is that when the complaints rose to the level of court stepping in, the parents were ordered not to record the children.  I've been here some 15 years and I only remember less than a handful of such instances.

Documenting events or incidents is very important.  Family courts and the professionals in that sphere will often ignore "he always..." or "she always..." as too vague hearsay and set it aside.  So your logs or journals with specifics such as dates, locations and snippets of the conflict would be very helpful as documentation.  Also, my court is like many others, it wasn't interested in conflict over 6 months ("stale") before filing, unless it was used to demonstrate a pattern of behaviors.

Does anyone else feel a deep guilt?  I haven't mentioned my BPD suspicions to my wife (nor do I plan to) but I feel awful keeping this to myself.

Actually most therapists will agree it's not your place to mention a possible or likely diagnosis.  (Few of us here ever got a diagnosis and overall our domestic courts don't want us to "play doctor".  I was in and out of family court for 8 years and all the professionals danced around her mental health issue.)  You're in an emotional relationship and such information, if mentioned, ought to come from a therapeutic emotionally neutral source.  That is not you.  Most likely your spouse would be very triggered.  Don't feel at all guilty.  Ask your counselor, you'll hear the same perspective.

[Guts42]

Thank you so much- it's tough, especially today when everything seems 'normal.'
My pulse has been up ever since I started reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells."  I actually just finished it- I read the second edition.  I see there's a third- any information added to that making it worth buying as well?

My W is darn near psychic and I'm worried she's going to suspect something is up.  In fact she usually knows something is bothering me before I do... although I'm starting to wonder how accurate she is and if it wasn't projection?

Basically, I want to protect myself and my children if she starts pushing back inappropriately/abusively when I start gently enforcing some very simple boundaries.  I plan on starting with something like, "I know you're upset and the kids can be really frustrating, but I don't think yelling at or threatening them is helpful.  Let's cool off until we can talk about calmly."  Way before kids, this sort of suggestion set off a huge episode.  I'm worried she might threaten to leave in front of the kids (again) or act recklessly.  Right now it's so hard to imagine, because everything seems fine.  I keep reminding myself this is pattern and that as of now it's only a matter of time before there's another one.  They're becoming more frequent with less time in between.  She's also not recalling the time between each episode accurately.  During this last one she said it had been months, but in reality it had been a week or two.

I think I'll reach out to an attorney and at least ask for a quick phone consult in the hopes that maybe I'll have some sort of action item to do before/during/after the next episode.

I love my wife so much- the person she is today is so close to who I fell in love with.

Thank you all for the encouraging words.  I know that no matter the outcome this is going to get harder before it gets better.

[ForeverDad]

Courts generally avoid granting full custody to one parent from the start unless there is documented basis such as some level of child abuse.  Courts prefer to avoid blocking someone from feeling a parent.  Perhaps later if problems continue, but not so much from the start.

So what can you do to demonstrate that you as the reasonably normal parent need more than an equal status?  After all, equal status doesn't mean there won't be conflict, for us it's still more like Irresistible Force vs Immovable Wall.  An approach to ponder is to seek at least some level of "Decision Making" or "Tie Breaker" status.  If you can get that then it will be virtually like full custody and reduce the need for repeat visits back to court.

Most here don't have full custody.  It's even harder for dads.  My case was typical but somehow I did manage years later to get full custody.  Not during separation nor the two year divorce process, she got the mother default of temp custody.  We exited divorce with Shared Parenting in the final decree.  Didn't work so after a couple years I filed seeking custody.  I had to go through a Change of Circumstances court process but then got the approval to proceed to the main judge.  We settled there with the GAL's recommendation where I became Legal Guardian (win for me) but she preserved her equal time so she could get child support (win for her).