Just don't know what to do anymore

[Duncano]

Hi I'm new here. My wife has undiagnosed BPD. We are a British couple recently relocated to New York. We have a lovely baby girl aged 2.

I'm being completely terrorized by my wife. Moods and explosive anger, demeaning words and threats. Destruction of my property. I've just turned 40 yesterday and the day ended badly with a nasty row my visiting son saw ( he's twelve). His mother in the UK emailed to say he'd been emailing her upset about the row. I'm feeling ashamed and demeaned and just don't know what to do anymore. The situation is being inflamed by my drinking which I use to mitigate the stress. I know the first step for me will be to stop drinking. I hope this brings calm to my relationship. We're very isolated over here. I'm not sure what to do for the best. If I had an ounce of dignity left I'd leave and et divorced. But I'm scared to be alone and also scared of what my wife will do especially around access to our daughter. It's started to get physical too and my decision to stop drinking is partly Bourne out of desire to avoid a catastrophic incident. I just don't know how much more I can take.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LilMe]

Duncano ((virtual hug))!

I am so glad that you found us!  It is a hard road we walk down.  You are reaching out and know that you must work on yourself first - that is a wonderful first step to improving your life (and the lives of those around you!).  If it is at all possible, you should consider attending local AA and Al-Anon meetings.  It will help with the drinking and dealing with your complicated life.  Also the lessons to the right of this page ----------------> really, really, really (can't say it enough!) help! 

Keep us posted and come here when you can and read, read, read - you will learn so much!

[an0ught]

Welcome Duncano,

sounds your relationship is at the moment in a very serious crisis  . Alcohol is unfortunately not working at all to deal with BPD stress. If you are feeling stressed and depressed and need help then stop drinking and reach out to a T. Many members here on the board go through a period of depression. BPD is one of the conditions that has the most severe impact on the partner. The reality you are dealing with is truly harsh - you need all your senses to deal with it!

If I had an ounce of dignity left I'd leave and et divorced.

Don't judge yourself harshly for not making a rash decision. These situations are very complex and often the best is to take steps to get both feet on the ground and get a solid understanding before setting out any course.

People wash up on this board often when all respect and self respect has been lost. The fighting takes its toll and we start behaving in ways that are not consistent with our believes. It takes some time to recover from it but it is possible through boundaries to reestablish a reasonable level of respectful behavior in a relationship.

,

a0