He's starting DBT. Decided he wants a 2 month break.

[misuniadziubek]

That's pretty much all there is to it.

2 years. We had a fight. He dissociated. Said he's tired of dissociating. Tired of the fights. Asked that we take a 2 month break.

I'm leaving in the morning.

Were both in so much pain. Both crying.

He spent all night yesterday. telling me how much he loves me. How sspecial I am. How I'm the best think that every happened to him.

Tomorrow morning we are no longer.

I don't know.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Loosestrife]

I'm in a similar position. I think this is healthy. It will give you time to focus on helping too 

[Thrik]

I think asking for a "break" is a typical thing in BPD people. Whenever my girlfriend asked for a "break", she went to some other guy within a short time, sleep with them and after few months comes back to me and ask sorry... .happened 2 times and I accepted her... .but now again she wants break, Im going to let her go and never accept her if she comes back

[Notwendy]

From what you post, your bf gives you contradictory messages. You are the best thing to happen to him/ sleeping with someone else/I need a break/you are so special.

You have done a lot of personal work. Yet still, it seems your r/s status is determined by him- it's on, it's off, I'm with her, I'm with you.

What about you? He wants a break, and I assume you do not. However, if he wants a break, there isn't much to do about this. So he says he wants a 2 month break. Tomorrow, or in an hour, he might be saying- oh honey I love you come back.

It would be understandable that you would feel like a yo yo- with these go away, come back go away messages, but as long as you go along with this, he's pulling the strings.

He says he wants a 2 month break? One option is to take it- on your terms. 2 months-and don't change if he calls if off. You can even do it NC if  you choose to. Why? because it can teach him that his words and actions have consequences. He can tell you to get lost all he wants, because it doesn't mean anything. He doesn't have to fear losing you, because no matter what he does, you are right there whenever he wants you.

Until he learns that "I want a 2 month break" means exactly that, he may just be saying it.

During this break, you can continue to focus on your personal growth.

IMHO, a relationship that is solid can survive a 2 month break. Many people do it. Think of people in the military. It isn't easy and some relationships don't last, but strong authentic ones can. This could be a good test.

[Jessica84]

I agree with Notwendy. This can get old. It's exhausting and erodes your self-esteem. The push/pull can wear you out to the point of making you want to stay pushed. I've been told similar  -"best thing that ever happened to me... .now go away". Yeah, that doesn't play tricks on your mind, does it?

My uBPDbf asked me awhile back for a 6 month break. Didn't make sense, but I was fed up enough to let him have forever if he wanted it. He still called, texted or emailed every few days. I ignored all his baiting messages. When he asked innocent questions, when he "wished me well", when he wanted praise for something, when he was having a bad day... .he got no response from me.

Then he showed up at my house on the 8th day, begged me to have coffee with him. I was cold and reluctant, but agreed. Then we "caught up" on our lives - he acted as if we had been apart for a year! He said he could finally "breathe real air" again, whatever that means, and that he never wanted another break. Begged me to take his calls again. I think he knows he pushed a little too far this time. We've been together since, but I don't think he'll be pulling this again anytime soon. If he does, my yo-yo string could break for good.

Figure out what you want and stick to it. pwBPD can't. They'll keep pushing/pulling until they've reached a cold hard line in the sand. That line is drawn by us, not them.

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I can imagine how tough it must be for you after working through your last issues with your bf.

My bf asked for a 2 month break too, so he could work on himself and find out who he really is. My bf was going through a critical part of therapy during the time he asked for the break. His thinking was in black and white.

Breaks with pwBPD are another way of saying fear of intimacy/engulfment and an unstable sense of self.

Taking the break at face value chips away at your self-esteem.  Similar to you, I was told that I was amazing and he loves me. Remember, you did not cause the behavior. Unfortunately, this is how pwBPD can behave when they are triggered.

I took the two months and did a lot of self-care. It was tough for me at first, since I have my own abandonment fears. Each day that passed got easier. I spent a lot of time doing things I have not done in quite some time. I spend time with friends and did fun things. I started to look at the break as a vacation. I exercised, started eating healthier, practiced mindfulness, and got much needed sleep.

At the end of the break, I felt and looked better than I have in years. I was mentally stronger than I was throughout the 5 years of our relationship. When he saw me after the break, that was the first thing he commented on. It felt awesome that I was at a point where I had rebuilt quite a bit of self-esteem. 

The irony is the break was designed for him, but actually helped me more. Since the break, our relationship has truly improved.

[misuniadziubek]

I think asking for a "break" is a typical thing in BPD people. Whenever my girlfriend asked for a "break", she went to some other guy within a short time, sleep with them and after few months comes back to me and ask sorry... .happened 2 times and I accepted her... .but now again she wants break, Im going to let her go and never accept her if she comes back

We haven't had a single break in the 21 months we were together. The longest time we've spent apart is 2 weeks. This is a non negotiable two month break. VLC. If at the end we want to resume. We do.

From what you post, your bf gives you contradictory messages. You are the best thing to happen to him/ sleeping with someone else/I need a break/you are so special.

You have done a lot of personal work. Yet still, it seems your r/s status is determined by him- it's on, it's off, I'm with her, I'm with you.

What about you? He wants a break, and I assume you do not. However, if he wants a break, there isn't much to do about this. So he says he wants a 2 month break. Tomorrow, or in an hour, he might be saying- oh honey I love you come back.

Firstly, it was originally my idea. A couple weeks NC break from each other. He had dissociated and was talking with such indifference that it scared me. I was sitting there seriouslyl wondering if I should leave no matter how late it is/ hurts to do so.

I kept kind of going in a cycle, how can you spend the night before talking about how happy you are with me, how wonderful and stable it feels to have someone to come back to, how intensely you love me and then go to this: where you feel nothing for me. Stop caring. He got mad, told me that I should know/understand this if I know so much about borderline. That disillusionment is a huge part of the disorder. That when there is no conflict. He is the happiest in the world being with me. I told him it'd not realistic because fights happen. That I was accusing him of lying about how much he loves me when he cannot help that he numbs out and feels emptiness.

So I asked him, if he could change one thing in this relationship right now that he feels is the biggest issue. He told me he wishes I would be more mindful (what?) and self aware so that I wouldn't be so reactive. To just accept the situation as is and that I become a different person when he says anything critical. Irony? I'd been radically accepting for two days. Yesterday I was hungover and absolutely exhausted from staying up and making sure he was okay, considering he had gotten ridiculously drunk after having his drivers car window smashed into pieces and losing his wallet. That exhaustion cut my patience in two. I jaded for the first time in three days. It's a common situation to go back to old habits.

He says he wants a 2 month break? One option is to take it- on your terms. 2 months-and don't change if he calls if off. You can even do it NC if  you choose to. Why? because it can teach him that his words and actions have consequences. He can tell you to get lost all he wants, because it doesn't mean anything. He doesn't have to fear losing you, because no matter what he does, you are right there whenever he wants you.

Until he learns that "I want a 2 month break" means exactly that, he may just be saying it.

I'm the one who said break, he said two months. It's long enough for him to be two thirds into his treatment. I came up with the no contact part.

Did I want this? No.

Is it a shock? For sure.

But truth is, I myself don't see much other choice. He might be going to the extreme because he's desperate, but I made very clear that this is not something we compromise at any point. I explained to him that this is very confusing, complicated, and there needs to be a stable established limit here otherwise it's useless.

He doesn't see far ahead enough past a couple days. So I asked him how he was going to deal when the first pangs of sadness and abandonment start to rear their ugly head. He said he doesn't know. He knows he's going to feel it, scared that it might be the most regrettable decision he'll ever make. I asked him that he not cope with it through alcohol and painkillers or cutting himself. That technically this has an end date, so he can focus on that, keep himself busy. Told him to see friends, hang out with his roommate. Not to isolate himself. If he sleeps with someone else, then that's that. It's good decision.

At some point after taking 30 minute break to himself, he came back and said. Maybe you could just give me space instead.

No. We either decide on a break or we don't. There is no in between. I told him he is allowed to text me once a week but only to satisfy his anxiety that I'm okay. Nothing else. We can decrease it to a month, but no other compromises. He's either devoted to this relationship or he isn't.

IMHO, a relationship that is solid can survive a 2 month break. Many people do it. Think of people in the military. It isn't easy and some relationships don't last, but strong authentic ones can. This could be a good test.

You're completely right. This hurts yes. But fact is, it's probably the most convincing proof if the relationship is stable enough to survive or has a future. It also gives me time to completely devote myself to me. Without the pressure of seeing him in between.

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I can imagine how tough it must be for you after working through your last issues with your bf.

My bf asked for a 2 month break too, so he could work on himself and find out who he really is. My bf was going through a critical part of therapy during the time he asked for the break. His thinking was in black and white.

Breaks with pwBPD are another way of saying fear of intimacy/engulfment and an unstable sense of self.

Taking the break at face value chips away at your self-esteem.  Similar to you, I was told that I was amazing and he loves me. Remember, you did not cause the behavior. Unfortunately, this is how pwBPD can behave when they are triggered.

I know I didn't cause this. I'm particularly good at nitpicking at what i am responsible for and what I'm not. I am very patient with this relationship. As I said in a previous post, the past is the past, I am embarking on a new and different relationship. As he said things have to change.

He's going through a lot mentally right now. In the end, the open relationship activities helped. The girl he did things with... .Was the one who had borderline and expressed experiencing similar things to him. He wrote an email to his counselor about his symptoms comparing it to a Wikipedia article and pointing out all the similarities. He wanted me to read it. It not only confirmed most things that I had figured out about him, but also brought to light how meaningless he feels his life is. This has been an avalanche of change. So much of this is really not in his control. I'm grateful for this change.

At the end of the break, I felt and looked better than I have in years. I was mentally stronger than I was throughout the 5 years of our relationship. When he saw me after the break, that was the first thing he commented on. It felt awesome that I was at a point where I had rebuilt quite a bit of self-esteem. 

The irony is the break was designed for him, but actually helped me more. Since the break, our relationship has truly improved.

Thank you so much for your input. It gives me hope... .Mostly for myself. I was so broken when I first met him. Traumatized by my own life. Codependent, anxious, with very low self esteem and depression. Being able to change those things while with him feels amazing. It makes me feel like I'll make even more progress in a month without him. Less pain and hurt for one.

I had my first day last Saturday when my anxiety had zero effect on my day. I actually functioned the way I should normally. Radical acceptance of my life and circumstances.  This isn't going to impede that healing.

[Notwendy]

We haven't had a single break in the 21 months we were together. The longest time we've spent apart is 2 weeks. This is a non negotiable two month break. VLC. If at the end we want to resume. We do.


These are the terms you have set, and it is very important, crucial actually, that you stick to them no matter what.

Once you set a rule or boundary, your partner is likely to test it. Some people test boundaries. Children are known to test them. When you say no cookies before dinner, a kid is likely to whine, beg, cry, and you have to stay firm. You are familiar with an extinction burst- escalating behavior to test a boundary and also intermittent reinforcement- giving in after several attempts with effort is more reinforcing than giving in every time. If you let the kid eat cookies after the 10th pitiful tantrum, then he learns he can get cookies if he tantrums loud and long enough and he will continue to do so. If you stand firm, after a while, the child knows he is not getting cookies before dinner and stops pushing the boundary.

This is no different for your bf or any other human or organism that has behavior. It works this way for almost any living creature. For your word to have any meaning, you have to defend it no matter what.

This is going to be harder than you know

You and your bf are addicted to each other. Expect that both of you will go into withdrawal as if you have stopped drinking or taking drugs. You will want a "fix" with him to get relief from the emotional pain, but you will have to wait it out, because if you break it, you will break your boundary and remain addicted. How do I know this- because co-dependency is an addiction and your bf's emotionally erratic behavior is an addiction. A high conflict /emotional/abusive and sexual behavior stimulates intense emotional chemicals in your brain just like drugs: intense fear, sadness, happiness, anger, rage, feeling great feeling down- up and down emotions are very stimulating. When the brain is constantly stimulated, it makes more receptors and withdrawing the stimulus can activate a withdrawal.

I don't do drugs or drink hardly at all, but after a raging all night fight, or being upset with my H, I would feel hungover the next day- not having had a drop of alcohol. I didn't understand this until I understood the concept of emotional sobriety and chemical addiction to strong emotions- anger, fear, rage, drama. Some people are rage a holics, addicted to the feeling of power they get when angry.

21 months of up and down relationship is enough time to be addicted. Withdrawal hurts. You may feel it more than he does if he is having a relationship with someone else and creating drama there- getting his "drug". However, if your goal is emotional sobriety for you, then it is worth getting through the withdrawal. If you remain together, your emotional sobriety will go a long way towards not having intense emotional arguments as you won't feel like getting into them as much. It will help him too. If the relationship ends, then you are more likely to find one that is calmer since you will be.

This is one factor in the advice here to "stop the bleeding" and not engage in these kinds of circular arguments.One can work towards this in or out of a relationship or on a break. However, you have set the 2 month break for yourself,and this is a boundary and also an opportunity for self growth.

[misuniadziubek]

We haven't had a single break in the 21 months we were together. The longest time we've spent apart is 2 weeks. This is a non negotiable two month break. VLC. If at the end we want to resume. We do.


These are the terms you have set, and it is very important, crucial actually, that you stick to them no matter what.

Once you set a rule or boundary, your partner is likely to test it. Some people test boundaries. Children are known to test them. When you say no cookies before dinner, a kid is likely to whine, beg, cry, and you have to stay firm. You are familiar with an extinction burst- escalating behavior to test a boundary and also intermittent reinforcement- giving in after several attempts with effort is more reinforcing than giving in every time. If you let the kid eat cookies after the 10th pitiful tantrum, then he learns he can get cookies if he tantrums loud and long enough and he will continue to do so. If you stand firm, after a while, the child knows he is not getting cookies before dinner and stops pushing the boundary.

This is no different for your bf or any other human or organism that has behavior. It works this way for almost any living creature. For your word to have any meaning, you have to defend it no matter what.

This is going to be harder than you know

You and your bf are addicted to each other. Expect that both of you will go into withdrawal as if you have stopped drinking or taking drugs. You will want a "fix" with him to get relief from the emotional pain, but you will have to wait it out, because if you break it, you will break your boundary and remain addicted. How do I know this- because co-dependency is an addiction and your bf's emotionally erratic behavior is an addiction. A high conflict /emotional/abusive and sexual behavior stimulates intense emotional chemicals in your brain just like drugs: intense fear, sadness, happiness, anger, rage, feeling great feeling down- up and down emotions are very stimulating. When the brain is constantly stimulated, it makes more receptors and withdrawing the stimulus can activate a withdrawal.

I don't do drugs or drink hardly at all, but after a raging all night fight, or being upset with my H, I would feel hungover the next day. I didn't understand this until I understood the concept of emotional sobriety and chemical addiction to strong emotions- anger, fear, rage, drama. Some people are rage a holics, addicted to the feeling of power they get when angry.

21 months of up and down relationship is enough time to be addicted. Withdrawal hurts. You may feel it more than he does if he is having a relationship with someone else and creating drama there- getting his "drug". However, if your goal is emotional sobriety for you, then it is worth getting through the withdrawal.

This was incredibly well put. Thank you so much.

It's true. I know it to be true, which is why when he told me that he wanted to downgrade to just giving him 'space' as opposed to an actual break, I refused. No matter how much it hurts, we're doing this. We agreed. We get our last night cuddling together, but in the morning, I pack up, leave and we cut contact until the set time.

It's why I questioned him on how he was going to handle the withdrawal. Because we both know this is going to be painful. I told him that he should put in a plan, decide on how to handle it. Pretty much everything that I was thinking about in the moment.

I embrace the pain today. It's hard. I get moments where I'm angry, where I feel like crying all over again, I got a little sick from the stress. There's a lot of things that make this painful. I have fears of my own, I miss him, it might feel wonderful to get a message from him, but I don't want it. If this is to work, we have to stick to the rules. Cold turkey is the most effective strategy here.

I asked him if NC for 2 weeks would be enough when we first discussed it last night, but he said that we've been apart 2 weeks at a time and it's all been the same. He wants to get through a chunk of DBT before coming back together.

I definitely have felt that emotional hangover you mentioned. I am definitely addicted to the drama. At times it's been a comfort that someone cares enough to fight with me

Codependency is a thing. I am a codependent on the road to getting better. I might need this break more than he does. I definitely want it more in the end, but I'm glad that he made the final decision.

And I will hold myself and him to it. Life will go on. We will be fine. I love him. He loves me. Even if the outcome was negative, I've grown so much in the time I've been with him that I have no real regrets. My journey has been very specific to me.

[misuniadziubek]

I seemed to be stronger yesterday than I am today.

I have such mixed feelings about this. A bit resentful that he wanted this.

I'm going to stick to the terms no matter what. I'm completely convinced that it's the best thing, at the very least for me,  but today I  am just so anxious and kind of depressed. Dealing with the pain moment by moment, but it feels like it's a never ending trickle. Doesn't help that I got sick from all the sleepless nights.

I reread the email he sent to his counselor where he compared BPD to all the issues he's been experiencing. It's really long and extremely detailed and most definitely clearly shows that he is borderline.  It left me really disillusioned and disheartened.

It's kind of coming to terms with the fact that no matter what I did, I could never fix what was wrong with him. There was nothing in our relationship that could neutralise how distorted his thinking is and how dysfunctional  and self-destructive his coping methods are.

I've rationally known that for a few months, and I haven't been trying to fix him at all. But this just cemented it all in for me. He's become extremely aware of the shortcomings of his brain and is starting realise that what he is going through is not normal.

Yes things got a lot better in the last two months. A lot of that was a result of my own self-work and changes to my patterns and habits and he not only saw that but acknowledged it. But just like someone else cannot cure my anxiety for me, his disorder is a constant until he seeks out help to change it.

I'm amazed that he has decided on this so early on. But then a part of me is wondering if this is truly the beginning of the end. I've stuck by him longer than anyone else, but does that really hold any value? Is that really a representation of my strength? Or rather weakness for not walking away?

[patientandclear]

Mis--just wanted to comment on your question about whether you are valuable to him mostly because you have persisted past the point where others gave up or would give up. Is that a strength or a weakness.

I don't have anything brilliant to say about this other than that this question has been a persistant burr under my saddle in my dynamic with my uBPDx. I was valuable to him but I think that came along with what he called my "naïveté." He meant, I think, that I kept looking at him with such warmth and affection even though he knew I shouldn't, based on behaviors of his I both knew about and did not know about.

I look at him with less warmth and affection now. My stance is well informed (by knowledge of his behavior) and reality-based. What he has done has taken its toll on my feelings about him and us. I'm not as useful to him anymore for this reason. He needs another positive mirror and I bet he is actively procuring one. Meanwhile his view of me is now more respectful, like I finally see him and he's surprised I could and surprised I am still speaking to him. But he has no experiencing valuing that. So ... .It's a new unknown landscape.

I completely get that feeling of wondering if the juice you contribute to the r/s ... .staying despite his continual assaults on the security of the r/s ... .is bad or good. It reminds me of an observation another member here made a while back: not sure if she was valued because she was the best thing that ever happened to her BF, or because he felt she was his last chance.  hope if the "break" proceeds, you will find some clarity about how you feel about this.

Whatever he thinks, it's clear you ARE a very special person. He's objectively very lucky.

[Notwendy]

Are you of value to him? I don't know the answer. We value what we value. However, placing your value in his hands is giving your power away.

The more important question is "are you of value to YOU? "

Your happiness, your well being, your goals, your life.

Yes, it feels wonderful to be valued by others, and hurts when you are not, but if you value yourself, neither will affect your as much either way.

When I feel devalued by someone- when I try to share my love, my care, my feelings, and I don't feel it means much to them, I am reminded of the Biblical quote " don't cast your pearls before swine".

Even if you have no religious connection to this quote, I think it has meaning in itself. It doesn't mean the other person is swine, but a swine can not recognize that a pearl is valuable, because it has its own life, and recognizes what it needs.

To me, this quote means placing something extremely precious to you in front of someone who can not recognize the value of it. What is a pearl to you is your self worth, but other people might not care about that at all. They care about other things. However, if something is a pearl to you, it is worth being cherished by you.

[misuniadziubek]

Mis--just wanted to comment on your question about whether you are valuable to him mostly because you have persisted past the point where others gave up or would give up. Is that a strength or a weakness.

I don't have anything brilliant to say about this other than that this question has been a persistant burr under my saddle in my dynamic with my uBPDx. I was valuable to him but I think that came along with what he called my "naïveté." He meant, I think, that I kept looking at him with such warmth and affection even though he knew I shouldn't, based on behaviors of his I both knew about and did not know about.

I look at him with less warmth and affection now. My stance is well informed (by knowledge of his behavior) and reality-based. What he has done has taken its toll on my feelings about him and us. I'm not as useful to him anymore for this reason. He needs another positive mirror and I bet he is actively procuring one. Meanwhile his view of me is now more respectful, like I finally see him and he's surprised I could and surprised I am still speaking to him. But he has no experiencing valuing that. So ... .It's a new unknown landscape.

I completely get that feeling of wondering if the juice you contribute to the r/s ... .staying despite his continual assaults on the security of the r/s ... .is bad or good. It reminds me of an observation another member here made a while back: not sure if she was valued because she was the best thing that ever happened to her BF, or because he felt she was his last chance.  hope if the "break" proceeds, you will find some clarity about how you feel about this.

Whatever he thinks, it's clear you ARE a very special person. He's objectively very lucky.

Thank you so much for your insight. It does make me really think.

I was warm and affectionate to him because I felt like despite what's going on below, he deserves to feel loved. As long as I'm maintaining my boundaries and taking care of myself, there is no wrong in showing him some compassion.

But perhaps it does decrease his respect for me. He doesn't respect me as much as he respects his roommate. I've thought about that before and it felt sort of unfair. He treats his roommate as family.

I know I am not his last chance. I know I am not the best thing that happened to him either. I am the last person he's been with so far and someone he still actively loves and is entwined with. Those are just the facts. Objectively, yes, he probably is very lucky, and he might see that at times, but that part doesn't really matter in the long run.

Are you of value to him? I don't know the answer. We value what we value. However, placing your value in his hands is giving your power away.

The more important question is "are you of value to YOU? "

Your happiness, your well being, your goals, your life.

Yes, it feels wonderful to be valued by others, and hurts when you are not, but if you value yourself, neither will affect your as much either way.

When I feel devalued by someone- when I try to share my love, my care, my feelings, and I don't feel it means much to them, I am reminded of the Biblical quote " don't cast your pearls before swine".

Even if you have no religious connection to this quote, I think it has meaning in itself. It doesn't mean the other person is swine, but a swine can not recognize that a pearl is valuable, because it has its own life, and recognizes what it needs.

To me, this quote means placing something extremely precious to you in front of someone who can not recognize the value of it. What is a pearl to you is your self worth, but other people might not care about that at all. They care about other things. However, if something is a pearl to you, it is worth being cherished by you.

I really like your take on the quote. Before I have heard it as a way to say that evil people don't deserve your best. It's not that at all. With becoming more compassionate and validating, I've started to see the world in a very different light.

It is how you say. People who cannot recognise it, lead lives where pearls don't really hold as much value, cannot appreciate them. They are a foreign object to them and not necessarily what they need.

Just everything you wrote, you put so beautifully. It really resonates with me. My most recently acquired belief in all of this is:

I have learned so much in this relationship. Become so much more compassionate, so much more encouraging, so much more humble about reality, so much more aware and present. Even if this relationship did not have a successful result, I can only imagine the beautiful gifts I will bring to any relationship that follows.

I am not the broken, scared, victimised child I was when I first started dating my pwBPD. I have plenty of pearls that I cherish now.

Thank you so much to the both of you.