Sad, overwhelmed, confused, mad at myself

[Newview2020]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here. I’ve been reading the site for weeks and I’m confident my bf has BPD and he’s also an alcoholic. I know better than to even be in a relationship like this but here I am. I’m half-way through to my Master’s in Clinical Social Work. I’m also the daughter of an alcoholic and grew up with AA. My husband of 17 years was dx bi-polar and/or intermittent explosive PD. He never complied with treatment long enough to ascertain if he did in fact also have IEPD. After 10 years of getting him into treatment he didn’t think he needed over and again, he took his own life after an argument with me in January 2018. My entire life was shattered and I’ll never be the same. After reading this site I think it’s possible he was BPD as well. 7 months ago, after losing my home, I moved 2.5 hours from everyone I know to get a fresh start for myself and my two kids ages 15&17 and also to be close to my bf, a man I’ve known for 25 years and dated previously years ago. I’m convinced my BF has BPD. So much for a fresh start.

I feel like I’m right back where I began. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I promised myself after my husband that I would never allow toxicity to exist in my life again. I’ve been in therapy on and off since my parents divorce when I was 10. I understand that I’m drawn to the wrong people. I’m just not able to tell the difference and I can’t figure out why I can’t just cut things off even when I know it’s not good for me. I can’t understand how I can clearly see that my BF is abusive, selfish and manipulative (and of course wonderful at times too) but I still feel guilty and abandoned and like it’s all my fault when we fight because I’ve dared to object to the way he treats me... and he ends up being mad at me. My self-esteem is so low right now and I just feel so alone and confused. And ashamed.

I can’t really talk to my friends and family. They get very upset because they’ve seen me go through so much already. I feel like they no longer like my bf and they are pressuring me to break it off. My kids like him a lot, they probably even love him but they’ve both said they wish they didn’t like him anymore because they don’t like how he treats me and what the on again off again, ups and downs are doing to me.

I have no idea if the relationship can ever be normal. Everything is just SO extreme. Even making up has become an exhausting days long diatribe of apologies, suffocating displays of affection, proposals and 3am tearful pledges of love and devotion. A week later, I’m “human garbage”, “crazy” and a “fat f****** c***” again. It’s so draining...the highest highs back to the lowest of low and back again in 10 day cycles. It’s really effecting my ability to function normally at this point.  I’ve tried everything I can think of, including tactics I’ve read on this site to keep things even-keeled. This relationship went from too good to be true to a total roller coaster nightmare in the last three months. I’m not willing to spend the second half of my life living for the good moments. I swore I’d never do it again. I’ve been trying to give my bf time to even out since he’s going through a divorce and it’s only been 10 months since he’s been separated but his ex has told me enough about their problems that it seems like the behavior I’m seeing is consistent with what she warned me about. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’m not even sure if we’re broken up at the moment...if we are, it would be at least the 5th time since mid-February and the third time this month. At this point I feel like I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I’m sorry this was so long. I just wanted to give you a complete picture not only of the relationship but also of my own history. Any input, suggestions, advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening if you got this far!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm so glad you took the step to start posting. 

I completely know what you mean when you say you can't talk to friends and family.  Unless you have lived with this BPD thing...there is no way to understand it.

It's a good think you can see the "cycle".  Exhausting make-ups followed by right back to the lowest of the low.

Here is the question...are you ready to try something different?

For now let's focus on understanding your relationship dynamics and the part you play.

Sound good?

I'll check back soon.  I'm confident we can help!




Best,

FF

[Newview2020]

Thank you for the welcome and the validation Form flier!
I am definitely ready to try something different. I want very much to understand the dynamics of my relationship and especially the part I am playing. I can only change my own behavior and I would very much like to understand what I'm doing, as well as get a deeper understanding into why I've been attracted to this type of relationship so I can work on the underlying issues that got me here.

Can you recommend any threads, articles etc. for me to read.

Thank you for your support!
NV

[SnapDragon11]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[SnapDragon11]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[SnapDragon11]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[SnapDragon11]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.  I'm even more sorry to say that this is not going to just stop. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. The story you tell is absolutely heartbreaking and I wonder how you will be able to heal completely from the past in an unstable environment. This is a new relationship and the fact that you are being exposed so quickly to such an undiluted expression of his feelings is very concerning, as is his cycling every 10 days. My partner cycles about every 3 months and that is completely exhausting and often feels unsustainable to me .

One thing I struggle with is setting appropriate boundaries for what I will tolerate and following through on intended actions.  One thing that jumps out is that his language is inappropriate in any setting. I don't care if you ran over his mother, had sex with his brother and shot his dog; still not okay! I think if you are going to hitch your wagon to this guy, you and your children need to find support, via a support group or counseling and have a comprehensive plan of action. The top priority is getting him into treatment, which is generally a daunting task and needs to have a strategic implementation, which professional help and your own professional knowledge can develop a plan for. I understand how hard it is to turn off your empathy when looking at a relationship with someone you care deeply about and have a long friendship with, but I often wish we could all be more pragmatic with these decisions, myself included. This is a really long haul for anyone and may still have a very negative outcome, no matter what you do, if he is unwilling to address his behavior and underlying issues. I wish you the best in making decisions about your family's future and I am glad you have found this group for support.

[formflier]

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Read it a couple of times.  Make notes about things that "jumped out" at you.

Make notes about things you  wish you had done differently after reading through a few times.

Then let's discuss here.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with such a difficult and disappointing relationship after your husband’s suicide.

Please don’t beat yourself up for being in this situation. It’s completely understandable given your family of origin to gravitate to emotionally unstable partners—it feels like family! And the good parts are awesomely good.

I did it too. I’m married to a second husband with BPD. Fortunately this one is way more emotionally healthy than the first.

It may seem inappropriate, but I’m going to move your thread to the Bettering Board. You will be able to practice strategies there to either improve your relationship or turn down the emotional heat while you plan to exit it.

You’ve got a lot going for you. You’re a survivor, now let’s turn you into a thriver. With what you know from studying for your future professional career, you can quickly learn to make things better, whatever direction you choose.

Best, Cat

[Newview2020]

[quote author=SnapDragon11 link=topic=344367.msg13109263#msg13109263 date=15885398

One thing I struggle with is setting appropriate boundaries for what I will tolerate and following through on intended actions.  One thing that jumps out is that his language is inappropriate in any setting. I don't care if you ran over his mother, had sex with his brother and shot his dog; still not okay! I think if you are going to hitch your wagon to this guy, you and your children need to find support, via a support group or counseling and have a comprehensive plan of action. The top priority is getting him into treatment, which is generally a daunting task and needs to have a strategic implementation, which professional help and your own professional knowledge can develop a plan for. I understand how hard it is to turn off your empathy when looking at a relationship with someone you care deeply about and have a long friendship with, but I often wish we could all be more pragmatic with these decisions, myself included. This is a really long haul for anyone and may still have a very negative outcome, no matter what you do, if he is unwilling to address his behavior and underlying issues. I wish you the best in making decisions about your family's future and I am glad you have found this group for support.

[/quote]

Snapdragon...

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You are right, it is difficult to continue on my personal healing from the loss of my husband in the midst of the chaos of this relationship. My bf was always extremely jealous of my husband,  and even now he gets upset if anyone mentions him. When angry, he will sometimes say the most awful things about my husband and even mocks him/me for taking his own life. There's nothing off limits or sacred with him.
The biggest thing I need to decide is whether or not I am capable of being a caretaker again. I tried for many many years to get and keep my husband in treatment. In the end, I nearly lost my mind and life when I lost him. Dealing with my bf's issues is extremely triggering because again, I'm faced with turning my back on someone I love who is in need of help. I simply have to think more of my own self preservation this time for the sake of myself and my kids. I just can't take the instability and volatility. He sometimes says he wants to get help and when he's sorry for the things he does he will cry and ask what's wrong with him and ask me to help him...but I know this dance alllllll too well. He does not seem to me like he's even close to really submitting to treatment. My head is telling me to get out...it's just much easier said than done...especially given how he's been one of my closest friends most of my life and how he's already done quite a number on my head. Ugh.

[Newview2020]

It may seem inappropriate, but I’m going to move your thread to the Bettering Board. You will be able to practice strategies there to either improve your relationship or turn down the emotional heat while you plan to exit it.

You’ve got a lot going for you. You’re a survivor, now let’s turn you into a thriver. With what you know from studying for your future professional career, you can quickly learn to make things better, whatever direction you choose.

Best, Cat

Thank you Cat for the response and validation. I do best myself up for finding myself in another unhealthy situation, but I also get why that my upbringing leaves me susceptible. It's so frustrating! I really thought after my husband passed that I was done taking others crap on as my own and that this time I'd be smarter...a little selfish even.

The bettering board sounds like just what I need. Whether I give this more time or end it, I definitely need help in getting myself to a more emotionally sound place. Thank you.

[Newview2020]

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Read it a couple of times.  Make notes about things that "jumped out" at you.

Make notes about things you  wish you had done differently after reading through a few times.

Then let's discuss here.

Best,

FF

Thank you formflier...I will do that and get back to the group!

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi.

You sound like you are far from being in denial of the dynamic in this relationship. You have a good understanding and insight into how you have developed patterns of attracting partners who need or want caretakers. Since you are pursuing clinical social work, you are probably a person who is a natural helper type with a high degree of empathy. It's not surprising you found yet another person with troubling issues. Please be kind to yourself for that as many of us have done the same, so we understand.

You probably know from your experience with AA and your clinical social work studies that helping and enabling are different things. Did you ever hear an AA person talk about not being able to work someone else's program for them? This is kind of the same thing.

Sometimes people with this disorder will ask for or say they want help when really they want someone else to do the work for them and fix them. A genuine desire for treatment requires personal effort and taking responsibility for one's own recovery. Do you see signs of this in your current partner?

Perhaps, if you evaluate your own values and how the issues in this relationship are either aligned or misaligned with those values, you can start separating yourself from the guilt you feel when you think about making choices or setting boundaries to protect yourself.

Do you see a therapist at all? What do you do to practice self care right now?

[Newview2020]

Hi Redeemed,

Thank you for your response. Yes, I know what you mean when you say people need to work their program themselves. No, I do not see him taking any real responsibility for absolutely anything. Even when it defies logic...he will completely distort facts to somehow evade any personal responsibility for virtually every situation.

I've never dealt with anything on this level. My husband wasn't even like this. It's completely insane. Tonight my bf just literally went from loving me to lashing out at me, back to loving me, back to lashing out at me over the course of 1.5 hours via text tonight. I tried my absolute best not to feed into it and I finally had to end the conversation when he took my refusal to send him nudes as rejecting him and he then accused me of not being over my husband. No one I know would even believe me if I told them what goes on with him. Tomorrow he'll either send me stupid memes and act like nothing happened to break the ice, or he'll ignore me for the next however many days and act like I've wronged him. I have no clue how I could have reacted differently. My head is swimming from the round and round and round tonight. I cannot believe he just threw what seemed an awful lot like a tantrum because I wouldn't send him nudes.

I'm going to keep going over the boundaries article. I'm guessing there are many aspects of this relationship that do not align with my values and I definitely need to define boundaries here, which I've never been very good at. I think sticking to boundaries will likely cause this thing to totally melt down.

I have a therapist I've been seeing since February  but it's just not a good fit. I recently  moved  to be closer to my bf  and I left behind the best and most successful therapeutic relationship I've ever had. I'm thinking on reaching out to her and seeing if we can continue to work together via Telehealth sessions.

NV