Punishment

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Is it common for them to act out and punish you after the final discard and split to black?

Days after being told she no longer loves me I was tipped off by a mate that she's on 2 dating websites. I had a look and low and behold there she is advertising herself to the world. Her profile reads like its a stab at me throughout.

Is it normal for them to continue punishing even though she's the one that's cut and run? It hurts so much to see she's moved on that quickly and I'm sensing her smear campaign has kicked in as saw 2 of her friends last night at the bar I work in and they cut me evil looks and refused to say hello after I politely said hi to them.

I really don't get why she is so angry and resentful towards me. Yes it can be argued that she's free to do what she wants and I'm sure she is looking to move on but as stated the way she lays in to me on the profile looks like an attempt to get a raise out of me.

[DazedD40]

Is it common for them to act out and punish you after the final discard and split to black?

Days after being told she no longer loves me I was tipped off by a mate that she's on 2 dating websites. I had a look and low and behold there she is advertising herself to the world. Her profile reads like its a stab at me throughout.

Is it normal for them to continue punishing even though she's the one that's cut and run? It hurts so much to see she's moved on that quickly and I'm sensing her smear campaign has kicked in as saw 2 of her friends last night at the bar I work in and they cut me evil looks and refused to say hello after I politely said hi to them.

I really don't get why she is so angry and resentful towards me. Yes it can be argued that she's free to do what she wants and I'm sure she is looking to move on but as stated the way she lays in to me on the profile looks like an attempt to get a raise out of me.

[married21years]

they have to destroy us in their mind

they have to blame you so they don't feel bad

everything they do is about minimizing pain

sorry 

[fromheeltoheal]

I really don't get why she is so angry and resentful towards me.

Because she has to be.  I don't know the details of your story Dazed, but the relationship ended with her leaving, and if she exhibits traits of the disorder, she did it because the emotions got too strong, the fears of abandonment and engulfment too extreme, so bailing seemed like the only choice.  And now, if she was to take any responsibility for the demise of the relationship she would melt into a puddle of shame, so it has to be all you, you're the scumbag, you're evil, you're to blame and she's the victim, not only that, she can project all of the negative feelings she has about herself onto you, so she doesn't have to feel them, she's done with them, so she's the innocent victim.  And of course if she takes that stance effectively with her friends, you'll be a scumbag to them too.

And borderlines need attachments to survive, and going on a dating site and playing the victim to evil men is a great way to elicit sympathy, to attach, to those susceptible.  And of course someone healthier would pass her by, thinking get it together babe, get over your old stuff before you come crying on a dating site.  But there will be someone susceptible, and off to the races they go, as he takes steps to becoming a future scumbag.

And of course, if you're trying to detach, why are you looking at her dating site profiles?

[StayStrongNow]

I am so sorry this is happening to you DazedD40. I also regret to inform you that this most likely will continue.

My stbxBPDw once devalued and painted black, proceeded with a smear campaign of huge lies spread among all the community she could reach out to including her pastor and trying to infiltrate my immediate and extended family.

For example she told everyone that I threw her in jail and stills holds this true when in fact she was arrested, charged and convicted. It's useless to go on with my horror story but all I can say is brace yourself. Don't waste time trying to defend yourself because pwBPD are very convincing because they already believe the history they re-wrote. She can sell ice to the Eskimos.

You are the trigger to all her stuff, you are going to be painted black, coat after coat of fresh paint.

I only turned the corner of my inevitable straight line to my own line of self destruction of trying to defend myself from her ways when I joined this bpdfamily. Then I got the truth, the wisdom and the strength to do the best I can to move on with my life.

[woundedPhoenix]

Yeah... .

They won't let you go just like that. As long as they can stay angry and blame you they have no trouble letting you go.
And they will be hunting for replacements to suppress the abandonment fears they feel swirling up.

It's cruel and seems to be aimed at pushing you down even further.
It's just their way out of their complicated feelings, maybe they even sense that they have finally worn you down themselves and that the end is near... .
and take a pre-emptive strike leaving you just to avoid being abandonned

to us, it's all self-destructive behaviour yet for them it feels likely like the only way to survive.

[DazedD40]

That's where I'm at! That turn in the road. I need to move on as well now and stop looking/stalking as it only hurts. The pain I felt when I was told was unbearable and then when I saw it and read through it I was in agony. She has attacked everyone of my own insecurities and in some paragraphs has belittled me. She wrote that knowing full well I'd see it. Why did I look? Because it's so hard not too. I'm at the start of detaching but I'm still clinging on and I'm confused as well as hurt beyond anything I've experienced before.

I'm blacker than black and she wants me to know that.

[fromheeltoheal]

it only hurts.
The pain I felt when I was told was unbearable
I was in agony.
She... .has belittled me.

Look at it this way: you don't need those things in your life yes?

Why did I look? Because it's so hard not too.

Yes, I understand; we can become obsessed coming out of these relationships, so you're in a spot of it will hurt if you don't look and it will hurt if you do, a no-win situation.  It's best to do what you need to do to shift your focus such that you won't look, and then with time and distance the obsession will lessen, and you'll learn things about yourself as you look at it, because really the obsession has nothing to do with her, she's just the target of it right now.

One way to not look, to kill the desire to look, is make a list of all the unacceptable crap she pulled, and the list will grow as you remember things, and then read it, over and over, instead of looking, and fully associate to how those things make you feel, and you might find the desire is temporary, it will pass, and it will decrease with time.  Detachment is a project, the best kind, time to get busy yes?

[DazedD40]

it only hurts.
The pain I felt when I was told was unbearable
I was in agony.
She... .has belittled me.

Look at it this way: you don't need those things in your life yes?

Why did I look? Because it's so hard not too.

Yes, I understand; we can become obsessed coming out of these relationships, so you're in a spot of it will hurt if you don't look and it will hurt if you do, a no-win situation.  It's best to do what you need to do to shift your focus such that you won't look, and then with time and distance the obsession will lessen, and you'll learn things about yourself as you look at it, because really the obsession has nothing to do with her, she's just the target of it right now.

One way to not look, to kill the desire to look, is make a list of all the unacceptable crap she pulled, and the list will grow as you remember things, and then read it, over and over, instead of looking, and fully associate to how those things make you feel, and you might find the desire is temporary, it will pass, and it will decrease with time.  Detachment is a project, the best kind, time to get busy yes?

Yes I must begin. I've held myself up, neglected my needs and myself, got myself in to a world of s£&t and I need to stop the rot now and rebuild and I do now that. It just seems like mission impossible at the moment.

This weekend is hard as my projection says she will be with someone tonight. The dating profile, it's the weekend and she'll find the replacement tonight whilst I'm working slap bang in the city very close by. She won't come in to my place but just knowing she'll be near by punishing me and knowing full well what I'll be thinking. I just want this weekend over and done with.

I've not looked nor stalked her profiles today. It's to painful and as much as I want to look im aware it's a no win like you say. I'm just struggling to manage this weekend.

[fromheeltoheal]

This weekend is hard as my projection says she will be with someone tonight.
The dating profile, it's the weekend and she'll find the replacement tonight whilst I'm working slap bang in the city very close by.

She may be, because she has to; a borderline needs an attachment to survive.  But we're doing it the right way, feel all the emotions, process them, get healthier, move on to a better, healthier relationship one day.

And what is a replacement anyway?  She'll be replacing the dysfunction she had with you with the same dysfunction with someone else.  That helped me, when it came down to it I no longer wanted anything to do with that crap, and if someone else does, more power to them.
 

I've not looked nor stalked her profiles today. It's to painful and as much as I want to look im aware it's a no win like you say. I'm just struggling to manage this weekend.

Hang in there Dazed.  The hardest part is at the beginning, it will only get easier, just don't do anything to make it worse.

[woundedPhoenix]

I'm blacker than black and she wants me to know that.

yeah, it feels awful that after all that happened, they feel the need to throw anything they can at you to just hurt you, even if they move on themselves.

Maybe not the best time to carry some empathy towards her. But the following made me understand what was going on when it happened to me.

Imagine a normal person going through this.

And then imagine a person with a VR helmet that projects flashbacks from extreme childhood neglect, pain from abuse and abandonment agony whenever they think about you, twisting their reality.

They are not only reacting to you, they are reacting to all the crap that went on in their past at the same time. they react from a reality where past and present get confused and twisted ALL THE TIME.

And they react like a 3 year old that didn't get what they had hoped for all their life (yet is totally unaware that their very own VR Helmet destroys it time and time again)

[DazedD40]

I'm blacker than black and she wants me to know that.

yeah, it feels awful that after all that happened, they feel the need to throw anything they can at you to just hurt you, even if they move on themselves.

Maybe not the best time to carry some empathy towards her. But the following made me understand what was going on when it happened to me.

Imagine a normal person going through this.

And then imagine a person with a VR helmet that projects flashbacks from extreme childhood neglect, pain from abuse and abandonment agony whenever they think about you, twisting their reality.

They are not only reacting to you, they are reacting to all the crap that went on in their past at the same time. they react from a reality where past and present get confused and twisted ALL THE TIME.

And they react like a 3 year old that didn't get what they had hoped for all their life (yet is totally unaware that their very own VR Helmet destroys it time and time again)

She's clearly moved on which in ways is forcing my hand in to hating her enough to break my connection to her. Maybe that's what it is she's doing so she knows she can never come back.

My head is all over the shop at the moment. I don't really know what is going on but thinking along those lines will help me. I know she is unwell and this is her coping as best she can. I was thinking of her at work and all I could do to stop focusing was to tell myself she had BPD/NPD and it's not her fault. I need to own my side of this mess now and stop focusing on what or who she may be doing and how she is coping. It's just so hard to do especially in the early days of being split. Also this time it's obvious that we won't be getting back together or having any contact after this. I have to hold on to belief that I'm at the beginning of putting my life back together. I just want this weekend out the way as my head is really putting me through the wringer.

[woundedPhoenix]

She's clearly moved on which in ways is forcing my hand in to hating her enough to break my connection to her. Maybe that's what it is she's doing so she knows she can never come back.

Trust me, nothing is clear to her either at the moment. She is avoiding it though by jumping into hatred, projections and all sorts of actions that make her FEEL in control, so she doesn't have to feel abandonned or experience any feelings of loss.



.

[enlighten me]

This type of behaviour highlights the level of emotional imaturity you are having to deal with.

It always reminds me of two children who fall out. The one in the wrong vilifies the other rather than admit their fault.

In my dealings with my uBPD exs I have come across this more times than I can remember.  It seems to be a common theme.

It has always helped me to see the child in my exs behaviours. It takes the sting out of it and makes things go from hurtful to just silly...

[DazedD40]

It's so surreal to be honest but it's all starting to make a whole lot of sense when I look at the possible abandonment trigger that may have popped off a few years back. I recently blocked her number after a row which in turn sparked the abandonment off. I'll never know for sure I guess but from what I've read up on and then fit to our relationship it makes a lot of sense.

It's just weird that there's no communication between us. Numbers blocked etc yet she gets at me knowing if he tipped off about the dating profile. I haven't risen to it at all and have not retaliated with any social media drivel. I'd only make it worse as to be honest I'm that angry with her I'm ready to tell her all about her BPD. She likes a reaction and likes to stir the pot so I have to remain vigilant and strong in myself to not stalk her media/profiles and stay away from hurting myself any further.

She's gone, we're finished so time to follow suit and move on myself in a healthy way and stop thinking about the hurt she has inflicted on me. It's hard to do tho isn't it?

[married21years]

its so hard.

it feels surreal, because it is surreal. if it walks like a duck quacks like a duck, it is probably surreal

why is it surreal, because the person with BPD has the ability to distort reality in their mind, this means reality is skewed giving us a surreal relationship. 

you are doing really great though   

[stimpy]

Is it common for them to act out and punish you after the final discard and split to black?

I really don't get why she is so angry and resentful towards me.

Yes, in my experience, that is the case. It was the weidest thing. She behaved like I had dumped her. But she dumped me and then was spectacularly hurtful and spiteful afterwards. She basically dysregulated and became dissociative as well - staring, phasing in and out of reality, looked very odd some times.

I read somewhere that the anger you see after the discard is because you have stirred up strong emotions in them that they can't handle. And they can't handle them because those emotions are linked to dysfunctional relationships with one or both parents and so fear is triggered (resulting in the discard) and then anger. But the anger is unresolved anger that is really about their parent(s) - you just happen to be in the way when these emotions resurface. You are an easy target for their anger, but you are not the real cause of their anger, the real cause goes back a long way to their very early childhood.