My partner can't stand to be alone? Advice?

[greentealemonade]

My boyfriend (24) becomes extremely depressed when he is home and I am not with him. His emotions spiral out of control, he feels self-loathing and has suicidal thoughts, etc. This happens if I whether I am at work, running errands, spending time with family or friends, taking care of things at home (we don't live together), or just taking some time for myself. I spend the night at his house 2 or 3 nights a week and those are pretty much the only days he is emotionally functional. He seems to be okay at work or school or the gym, but when he gets home it's all downhill. He recently got a cat and I hoped maybe an animal companion would help even somewhat, but it doesn't seem like it has helped much. He used to distract himself pretty effectively with video games, but he hasn't played a game in months and doesn't seem to be interested. It's very difficult for me to get tons of texts about how miserable he is and how much he hates himself whenever I'm at work or with other people or at home relaxing or taking care of things. It's especially a struggle for me because, on the flip side, I am a super independent person and I really need ample alone time to recharge--it's crucial to my own happiness and emotional health; I get very anxious and overwhelmed without enough me-time. He has tried to give me more space to do my own things, and I appreciate the effort, but it's clear from his comments that he resents it, and the guilt makes it hard to enjoy. When I make plans with friends or family that interfere with time we would normally spend together, I absolutely dread telling him and sometimes decide to just not go in order to avoid his reaction. (I try not to make plans that interfere with our usual time together, but when there's a one-time opportunity or event I want to go to, it sucks to miss out because he won't handle it well). Whenever I spend time with others, he says he feels I am choosing them over him and is hurt that I would "rather" do that than be with him. I try to explain to him that just because I have other things I want or need to do doesn't mean I don't want to be around him, and that even my need for alone time isn't because I want to be away from him. Does anyone have any advice for how I can approach him when I make plans with others in a way that might make it a little easier for him? What should I do when he gets like that? It seems unhealthy to give up on other things and people in my life in order to emotionally care for him 24/7 (and I know it is from experience, because I did for a long time), but it's really hard not to feel guilty and selfish for making plans with other people, or not abandoning what I'm doing to come over every time he gets this way. I know an inability to emotionally handle being alone is fairly common with BPD, do any loved ones of people with BPD (especially romantic partners) have any advice or suggestions on how to deal with it in a way that ideally is healthy for both parties?

(Sorry if there's already been topics about this. I'm new)

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[isilme]

This seems to be a pretty common BPD trait - they are so needy and fear any competition for their time, they resent anything that takes away from time they feel they need from you.  On the flip side, once their "meter" is full, you will be pushed away until needed again.

H is like this.  He used to hate my being at work, resented it, and saw days when I got stuck trying meet deadlines working late (newspaper) and fighting technical difficulties as me just avoiding him.  I'd be exhausted, come home just wanting to be happy to be home, and find him angry I'd dared have to stay late.  I did not know about BPD at the time, and was really just hurt and confused a lot.

You need to do what you want with friends, and take your time to recharge.  BPD tries to isolate you and put you into what I call the "bubble".  You become almost a part of the BPD person in their mind.  H still resents when I take time away from home to do things with others.  It's not very often, but I've had a friend move back and she lives alone, so I feel I need t accept her invitations to do with her on errands nearby for a few hours every few weeks.  I've done this twice, and while H insists I should go, he also seems to have a rage incident within the week if I do go.  So my going triggers him feeling abandoned.  On thing I think that affects this is that he is more likely to dysregulate on Sundays, and that's the day she is usualyl free to go run her errands. 

I don't know of any way to make it easier on your BF for you to be away.  H sees me pretty much as his "wubby" blankie.  It took a while to realize this, and now that I understand it, it helps me be more mindful of how lost he seems to feel when I am out of sight.  It's like a toddler who doesn't have object permanence, and feels that if they can't see something it's gone forever. 

I think looking over SET (Support/Empathy/Truth) to communicate what you are doing is all you can really do.  "I enjoy my time with you and look forward to it.  I understand how it must feel on days I have other plans - you must be sad/lonely/bored/ etc when am away.  But I need to go see my mom/friend/clean my house, before I can come spend time here."  Something like that - others can do a better job.  You also have to repeat things like that, a lot, for them to sink in at all apst the disordered emotions.

I tell people that I think of BPD as an emotional handicap.  If H had no use of his legs, I could not expect him to run a marathon with me or change light bulbs.  I'd have to be okay doing things he can't.  BPD makes certain things we expect of adults just not happen.  H can't really snap out of anger at me, an object, or another person.  He has to spew it out.  He can't look at me working late and empathize - that sucks, she will be tired and want a nice environment to come home to."  Instead, he's overwhelmed by how upset he is to be on his own, not have me home w=for the time he anticipated, and he has to blame me for it (because he can't blame a malfunctioning printer). 

Can you encourage your BF to do things on his own to fill time you are apart?  You can't be his only source of good emotional supply.  He needs to spend time with friends, do things at home to break his depsression.  He needs to self-soothe, and not blame you for living a life. 

[greentealemonade]

Thank you isilme, that really does help me have an idea how to navigate things! Inly recently learned about BPD and admittedly have been invalidating in the past because I just didn't understand, so I'll try validating his feelings and using the SET approach like you said and see if that helps. I think I have an idea of recent events that might be making extra sensitive to being alone and abandonment fears, so I can try talking to him about some of that stuff (i.e. "I know you might be feeling extra sad when I'm gone lately because ____" and then reassure him).

I do find that it helps to provide a more specific explanation that actually illustrates HOW my need or desire to do other things alone or with other people doesn't equate to not wanting to be around. To help him understand that my need for alone time isn't about him, I explained to him once that I will sometimes decline plans with my friends and family--even things I love doing--because I just need to be alone. He told me that really put things into context for him and helped him understand that it isn't just him. Maybe I can try finding more ways to provide more illustrative explanations (and maybe that tip can help anyone else who is dealing with this).

Unfortunately right now, I definitely am his only good source of emotional supply. He has a couple close friends, but both of them are often busy, and I'm not sure how much he opens up to them anyway. Everyone else he keeps at arm's length and often ends friendships when he feels people are getting too close. He is usually done with work or school for the day by 2 pm, and if I'm at work it's just a long stretch of day ahead of him by himself. I encourage him to do things to fill that time, but he doesn't. He used to occupy his free time pretty effectively with video games but he doesn't even do that anymore. I think he is just too depressed. In a lot of ways, he has really improved from the past but his dependence on me seems to have worsened. Yesterday he got home at 1:30 pm and texted me saying he was miserable and going to bed. It seems that his life feels totally empty and unbearable without me around. I try to encourage him to do things with his free time but it doesn't seem to work, and sometimes he will even get offended and say "You only want me to do ___ so you don't feel bad about me being alone". Often well-meaning suggestions of things that might help him, or attempts to make up for disappointments (i.e. I have plans on Saturday so I'll spend the night Thursday) are taken as having self-serving motives, like I'm just trying to avoid guilt or conflict for my own sake rather than trying to be helpful or considerate. But I digress... .thank you for your help! Chances are, getting better at being able to set boundaries without being riddled with guilt or feeling selfish is probably crucial for me, but being an empath and having some probably codependent tendencies makes that super hard.

[isilme]

I also know that H's chronic depression (and honestly, my own) are affected by the lack of sunlight from winter.  So I am hoping he will do better once the sun is more available.

Also, silly question, but would your BF do well with a pet (if he does not have one)?  H seems to turn to our cats if I am not home, and they at least give him something else in the house alive to interact with.  It can help on days he's home nd I am at work, or when I get sent somewhere for training.  I'm a cat person, and think they do well in small spaces, but dogs can force people to be more active and at least go outside a few times a day.  A pet deposit might be worth it if it shakes him up a little and gives him something new to bond with, as long as the pet would be a family member and not just a thing, though. 

[greentealemonade]

Yes, he did actually just get a cat about a month or so ago! We both agreed a pet might help ease his loneliness, and a cat would be better suited to his living space. Since it's only been a few weeks, the cat is just beginning to really warm up to him but it does seem to help at least somewhat and hopefully will help even more as they bond. He definitely really loves the cat.

He seemed much better today. I think because school, the gym, and homework really took up his whole day--which shows what a difference distractions make, if he could only find more things to distract himself with! I also have been trying to praise him more, as well as validating his emotions even with more minor things ("I'm sorry you're stressed about exams, I know school is so stressful". Understanding BPD has helped me be SO much more understanding and compassionate to him, and I know that will help too.

I'm seeing him tomorrow and planning to tell him I'd like to go an antique show with my mom this Saturday. I've been dreading it because Saturday is his day off so we normally spend the whole day together. But I already gave in and canceled plans with friends last Saturday night because he got sad, and I can't make that a pattern. I'm planning to be as validating and reassuring as I possibly can in how I break it to him, and let him know that I will come over afterwards and spend the night with him (sleepovers are VERY important to him) and that I am really excited to see him then. I'll do everything I can to ease the blow... .and then I will try very hard not to let his reaction, whatever it may be, convince me to cancel my plans or let it ruin the outing.

[Notwendy]

Hi Greentealemonade,

One aspect of dealing with someone with BPD is some self examination. I think you realize that your BF issue belongs to him. You are not causing his distress when you want to do things on your own. However, he feels distress and looks to you to relieve it for him. He sees the distress as being caused by you- if you weren't out, he wouldn't feel it. But the reality is- it is his own issue- but instead of looking to himself to deal with his feelings- he looks for the quick relief.

This is similar to an addiction. It isn't as obvious as drugs or alcohol, but behind every addiction is looking to something, or someone in order to deal with, or escape, the bad feelings.

I think everyone has difficult feelings at times- we can all be scared, or lonely, or anxious. People with boundaries recognize what issues belong to them, and what is about someone else. Someone else may disappoint us, or upset us, but still we see that we are upset- and take steps to deal with that. You already know some of yours- you need alone time. You also know that you enjoy spending time with your BF and also other people.

It is both a good feeling to know you can comfort someone, but not when that person sees you as his only comfort. One concern when this happens is that you begin to feel responsible for your BF's feelings. I think you know that doing something with your mother should not be hurtful to someone, yet you feel bad because your BF will be hurt by this.

The question for you is this- how is it that you feel responsible for his feelings? His behavior is common in pwBPD, but they tend to pair with partners who take on the role of fixers and soothe them by doing what they are asked to do- even if they don't want to. For instance- he could be unhappy about your plans with your mother. Then, you could "fix" this by cancelling your plans. But is this really a solution? If it was, then it would be fixed. But you know that this is temporary- until the next time he feels bad.

It may help you to look at your part in this, your attraction to this situation. Is this a pattern? Do you tend to choose BF who need your help in some way? Do you tend to feel overly responsible for other people's feelings? I think these questions will help you to deal with your BF's situation- and may give you some insight to you. Another question is- what are your needs in a relationship over the long run? If you like some independence, and your BF has these needs- are they compatible? Are you wishing he will change or can you stand firm in your needs while being in a relationship with him. One tendency for partners is to slowly diminish their world to relieve their partner with BPD of this anxiety, and then sadly find themselves isolated. To avoid this, you need to be able to stand up for yourself and your own needs, even if it upsets him.

[greentealemonade]

Well, handling the situation differently when I told him I was going out for a day with my mom did seem to help. He wasn't completely unfazed, but he handled it a lot better than usual and I had a pretty good time.

But you are both right in that ultimately this is not my problem to "fix". It's not like I'm asking for anything unreasonable, and I know how miserable I get when I get sucked into revolving my world around making him happy. It's just hard, when the person I love is saying he hates himself and wants to die and feels so alone, and that seeing me would make him feel better, to say no. It feels cruel and selfish, even though I know it's not unreasonable for me to spend some time away from him. I know that I allow myself to be affected by his emotions WAY more than is healthy, and I have always been very sensitive to being made to feel selfish. I just don't know how not to. I guess I should look into how I can learn to not let it get to me so much. I keep encouraging him to seek professional help but it's one of those "I will soon, I promise" and then no action toward it kind of things, and he doesn't believe it would help. I'll think about the questions you posed, Notwendy, and keep looking into how I can help him and also help myself. Maybe a therapist for myself wouldn't be a bad idea.

[greentealemonade]

Well, every time I think things might be getting better, I am so terribly wrong. Things are fine as long as I'm with him or he will be seeing me within the day. Sometimes he does a little better when he knows I'm working and can't see him that day, but only sometimes and somewhat. But I've been trying to take Sundays as a "me" day and it's gone terribly both times. He starts with the texts about how suicidal and depressed he is, I try to gently enforce my boundaries, at first he tells me it's fine and then it turns into "If you really cared, you'd be here" and "It's fine, I deserve to be alone". Finally I get so worn down by guilt that I offer to come over and he refuses, but continues to guilt me about it. I could refuse to engage, but then he would be even more convinced I don't care about him and probably tell me he's going to kill himself. I say I will call the cops, he tells me that will only push him to do it and he will dead before they ever get there. I feel like whenever I try to take time for myself and set limits or boundaries, it makes me feel infinitely worse than just going over and being there for him would make me feel, and I wonder why I even bothered because it only led to me feeling worse. I get that it's important to take care of myself and set boundaries, I just can't imagine how I'm supposed to be able to do that in the face of suicide threats and anger and accusations that I don't care and him using the fact that I won't come over as another reason to fuel his self-hatred or loneliness or misery. I don't know how to just stand firm or disengage in the face of that. I feel like it's made to sound so simple in books and on websites and such but it just feels impossible, and I feel so hopeless.

[greentealemonade]

Just as a backstory for context: We got back together in January after breaking up last June. We've been together three years. At first, I wasn't too sure because our relationship had been so unhealthy (verbally and emotionally abusive, really) and he had betrayed my trust a lot. But I saw so many improvements in so many ways and he showed me that I could trust him not to lie to me, so I decided to give him another chance. We've gradually been spending more and more time together. Now I'm seeing things aren't as improved as I hoped :/

Sorry for all the posts. It's nice to just vent, honestly. I feel like I can't really talk to him about how hard it is for me because he will hate himself even more, and I don't like to talk to friends or family unless I'm truly desperate because I don't want them to dislike him or disapprove of our relationship.

[WitzEndWife]

The texts are definitely a way of keeping you within his "sphere of control." He's afraid that, if you enjoy your time when not being around him, that you will abandon him, and so he texts you to force you to think about him, and he manipulates you into caring.

How often does he talk about harming himself? Is there a suicide support line in your area that you can call when he starts talking this way?

My suggestion would be not to respond with panic, nor to respond by letting him manipulate you into spending time with him. You can validate his feelings of fear or sadness, "I understand you're feeling depressed and lonely right now. It makes me sad that you feel that way. I love you and I care about you very much. Can we set aside some time to talk about how you're feeling tomorrow? I can't wait to see you again." The best way to help him is not to give in, and to make time for yourself.

[isilme]

BPD and texting are just a weird dynamic.  I know texting causes us a lot of drama at times, if I take too long to respond, H assumes I am ignoring him and not just out of reach of my phone, in a meeting where I can't exactly check it, am presenting, or I honestly have no signal in my incredibly old building.  Since he clings to me as his emotional support, it triggers his abandonment when I can't respond when he wants.  I try to be diligent about telling him ahead of time about planned times out of contact, "got a meeting scheduled this afternoon" and that seems to help.  So if you go with your mom, tell him you will check on him at a certain time, but your phone may be off till then, or something like that.  Then, stick to that time, and call, don't text, and then set another "date" to call at your convenience.  "Hey, we got here safe, it's so nice to see my mom, I'll tell you all about when I see you later.  Call you when I get home." 

Basically - your BF needs to be weaned away from seeing you as his only source of comfort.  He needs to find some comfort in himself (hard with BPD), and in other activities and people.  Just like any weaning period, it will be hard, have some tantrums, and rely on you being strong enough to enforce it.  Once he sees over a period that may take months that you DO come back, that you DO come see him, that barring any unexpected issues, you stick to the times you said and don't ditch him on a whim, as you enforce the boundaries of not giving up the other people in your life, things "may" improve.  And get that cat some toys

Suicide threats - I don't want to tell you to ignore them., but they are a tool of manipulation in many instances.  A toddler saying he will hold his breath until you give in is doing the same thing in my opinion.  Also, having been through a very bad period of depression and suicidal ideation myself I can say those who are most likely to do it, often don't talk about it.  I had a period where I kept a knife in the bathroom, just in case I felt it was "the day".  This coincides with other people I know who've been suicidal, and shared after the crisis passed.  Not wanting H to find me, or anyone for that matter is what stopped me. 

So, at least in my experience, someone seriously thinking about it does not want to talk about it - they want to have the drive to go through with it, and not be talked out of it.  Someone wanting to talk about it wants you desperately to talk to them. So while I know it's scary, and maybe you guys need to talk this out in person, I have a hard time from this side of the keyboard taking it as a serious threat.  I'd be more worried your BF would hurt himself in some sort to make you nursemaid him than actaully kill himself.