Why does she initiate conversation when i try to ignore her?

[vanx]

I have been broken up for 9 months but I'm posting here because it feels more appropriate considering I am kind of taking some steps back here.

I have to work with my ex. Actually, we don't work together much per se, but I often have to see her during the overlap in shifts and she has to walk past me without any choice for either of us to escape that under the circumstances. My M.O. has been to just not make eye contact and to avoid any conversation. I'm not trying to be manipulative by this--I just seem to keep getting vulnerable and she's snapped at me a few times, so I just don't feel like setting myself up to get hurt more.

The thing is though she often will look over at me and initiate conversation. I can't just ignore her if she comes up to chat--I don't want to give off a full blown silent treatment. It's important to me to remain compassionate and friendly, but it's draining me to have these chats with her, and the truth is I am pretty upset with her for how she treated me. But if she's made it clear she doesn't want to date, doesn't want to be friends, and has listed all the things with no ambiguity that she doesn't like about me, why the heck won't she just walk by and let things be without us greeting each other? My thought is she feels somewhat guilty and thinks this is a way to be friendly and helpful. It took me so long to get to a place where I could be angry at her for the way she treated me--it's painful for her to be acting so sweet again like old times. I'm just curious, am I just way overthinking this or is this possibly a BPD issue, her way of glossing over shame for the mistreatment on her end? (I know I could work on being more firm about the boundaries so not meaning to be accusatory here).

Anyone in similar circumstances? How did you handle it? I want to keep this job but am questioning whether I can do this and still heal. Thanks!

[once removed]

I have been broken up for 9 months but I'm posting here because it feels more appropriate considering I am kind of taking some steps back here

hey vanx, just fyi, the split between the boards is more about the nature and focus of the issues youre facing/advice yours seeking, not necessarily an indicator of how far along in recovery you feel.

this could be as simple as conversational style. some people are very uncomfortable with silence, others barely notice it if at all. i suppose it depends on the nature of the kinds of conversations shes having. is she just making small talk? is she probing?

are you looking for ways to respond, or just curious about what motivates her?

[vanx]

Thanks, once removed. Ok, I understand about picking the board. I see your point about conversational differences. Don't want to pidgeonhole and see everything as BPD but wondered if others experienced anything similar. I'll try to respect her style here. I'm curious about both things you mentioned, as well as other peoples experiences. Well, regardless, I will have to kind of deal with this and determine if I can keep workig there. Thanks for your reply!

[Idsrvt2]

You could do what my x did with me during our brief interaction... .thru a clenched jaw he just uttered um hmm.  And went about his way.  I see my x as well, he's my mail man ... thru restraining orders , he still remains .thenorder is lifted now... so we have had some interaction.   

   I can't even discuss where to place incoming packages as he just places it in the ground can't even hand it to me... .very rude behaviour. 

I tried to make a truce so we could atleast interact professionally ... .but so far I doubt it will happen.  His bosses are stirring up drama too, so I'm not sure what they have said to him, as they have been terrible towards me.   
Perhaps try the grey rock method with your x ... give her no emotions and be cold.  When my x was like that with me... I have no desire to talk to him.   
They are in a different reality than we are

I know how difficult it is to keep seeing them... .it's like we can't fully heal and move on.

[FSTL]

I also work with my BPD and, like you, she also said she didn't want to date, etc. Many, many times.

But we've also had loads of recycles, mini-recycles and so on.

I don't initiate conversations or messaging with her and if we didn't work together, I would have blocked her a long time ago.

It's gotten to the point now that her messaging (usually on a Monday or Tuesday) is around about the time she is bored or anxious and just wants someone to chat with. I tried gray rock for a couple of months and I thought it had worked as I didn't hear from her for most of July. Then last week she reached out with yet another inane semi-work related question (a lot of them are - I assume she knows I'll respond to work stuff). And then again today (being Tuesday... .).

Based on my experience, I wouldn't try and read too much into it.  I used to think it was fear of abandonment, and now I think she just gets bored or anxious and she looks for comfort from anyone she can.

What works for you? If you really don't want to speak to her, you could just politely let her know you need some space. I also did that a while ago and she gave me a month of breathing space... .before it started again.

Don't worry about her - just think about what works for you?

[Skip]

If two people break up but exist in the same environment, and a significant amount of time has passed, its more "normal" and comfortable for others to be able to exchange light banter than to avoid the person. It's also a good reflection on the parties.

I have a friend who is divorced (years) and his ex is invited to family events as she is the mother of the grandchildren. Everyone is warm - her ex is cordial - children appreciate the normalcy.

I think what is at play here, obviously, is that you are still recovering from your wound which will heal in its own time. You can try to accelerate, but the acceleration will also be on its own time.

Can you break this down? What part of what she says is triggery for you? If you can tag this, maybe you can constructively ask her to respect some boundaries... .like please don't make jokes about my anatomy and no wedgies  .

[vanx]

Thanks all for your input. I had never heard of grey rock before--it's a useful tool. I'm sorry to hear of the difficulties others have faced but also find it validating.

Well, the content of our interactions remains pretty basic and not invasive or strange or anything. It's just sometimes she gets testy with me still and snaps at me. It's basically just a rude tone of voice. I realize she may not be capable of accepting responsibility for some of her hurtful behavior in the recent or more remote past, but I don't feel I can be friendly with a person who has consistently treated me poorly without apologizing. I guess the burden would be on me to accept she is disordered. I do feel compassion for her, but I am weary of getting hurt. I don't feel like pretending to
be friendly because I feel angry at her and there's no resolution between us. 

[Skip]

Thanks all for your input. I had never heard of grey rock before--it's a useful tool.

Grey rock is really just a cute term for passive aggression - being angry in a passive way.  Passive-aggressiveness most often stems from a family that avoids overt conflict, but it’s also reinforced by a society that tells us anger isn’t a healthy emotion... .but it is conflict.

If she is giving you a rude tone of voice, this is also passive aggression.

Is this the best tool for a post romance work relationship?

Is it that you're still angry about what happened in the relationship and you want some validation or vindication from her and you don't want her to think she is forgiven or the damage is forgotten?  Is there some element of punishment in this? Do you care if others see this tension?

As we want to be healthier in or recovery than we were in the relationship, do you want to be more upfront and authentic here? Exercise some constructive boundaries?

Just be pleasant and light and superficial (like you are to many others) and don't react to her voice. Let it blow by.

If you do, this will likely get easier.

Its been a while. Don't invest anymore emotion in her.

[boatman]

Hi Vanx,

I understand where you are coming from. I too work with my ex. Thankfully, our different positions don't require that we communicate with each other. A rare need might come up every once in a while, but that has only happened once in the past year. Otherwise, we don't acknowledge each other's presence, and it works. If she did try to talk with me without it being absolutely necessary, I would ignore her. I don't know the entire context of your situation, but in my situation, the only thing that would be appropriate for her to communicate to me would be a heartfelt apology, which will never happen.

I wish you well in your journey.
 

[Joe77]

She wants to see if she still has you on the hook. Positive or negative emotions are better then no emotions. You are a victim of her abuse. Best advice show nothing give no indication of your feelings or vulnerability because you will satisfy her craving.

[vanx]

I don't want to be passive aggressive at all, and I can see how at least in part my coolness could be that way. I think the validation/punishment you describe is accurate at least in part. It would be best I think to see her not at all, but as it is, I'd like to keep my job. And I would like to grow as a person, so

Just be pleasant and light and superficial (like you are to many others) and don't react to her voice. Let it blow by.

I will take your advice here and try what you suggest. I appreciate the input--it helps.

boatman, I really appreciate you relating. I want that apology/validation too and understand the frustration. It would be good not to see the ex at all, so I get the ignoring. Joe77, it is tough for me not to show my emotion, but I will try to take your advice. I guess if I do what Skip is advising, that would be less emotional than trying to ignore her too much, at least in my case