new wife with BPD

[Ransom3]

I am 63 years old and a retired pastor.  After being widowed for 10 years, I remarried in 2015.  My new wife, whom I will call "M" has many fine qualities and our relationship is good in many ways.

But M was abused and neglected as a child and had two very emotionally and physically abusive marriages.  She also had several abusive dating relationships with men she met on-line, one of which resulted in her being drugged and date-raped.  

A year ago I started to suspect M was suffering from PTSD.  This was confirmed by a professional evaluation and she is now under intense therapy with a pyschologist.  But there are many other things about M that just seem to be "off."  I thought she was maybe playing games with me, refusing to tell me who she really was in some instances, creating fictional narritives about herself in other intances.

Her therpist suggested I read up about BPD.  Wow!  The information fits our situation like a glove.  While M admits to the PTSD, she streneously denies BPD.  Her therapist is righfully being cautious about a full diagnosis.

But for me it is currently like "walking on eggshells" as the book by that title by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger talks about.  The PTSD therapy is bringing to the surface long-repressed memories and her emotions are on a roller-coaster.  I never know what will trigger an explosion.  

I seem to be in the role as both M's savior and her target of opportunity when she is upset.  Last summer I pushed to have a professional portrait of us done.  She was somewhat reluctant but agreed.  Now that the portrait in on the wall she says she looks at it with admiration but admits she doesn't feel like she deserves be in the portrait next to me.  I guess I am understanding more of what BPD does to a person.  But it is very stressful and confusing to deal with this.  I hope I can get some useful handles from readling about how others are coping with similiar situations.  

Cordially,
"Ransom"      

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[heartandwhole]

Hi Ransom3,



Welcome to the community! I'm glad you reached out. You've found a great place for support. Members here are in relationships with people with BPD, and understand the challenges. The site also has tons of tools and resources that can help.

I'm glad to hear that your wife is receiving therapy. Although she is resistant to a BPD diagnosis (very normal), her therapist seems to have a handle on what issues she may be dealing with.

Do you have a good support system, Ransom3, such as family and/or friends whom you can lean on when things get stressful?

It's very important to take care of yourself, especially if therapy is triggering difficult symptoms in your wife.

What behaviors have been the most difficult for you recently?

Keep posting. It helps to share. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[pearlsw]

Hi Ransom3,

Oh, I am glad that you have found us! Yes, it is very stressful and confusing dealing with these behaviors. I think you may find that using some of the techniques here can potentially ease things, or at least help you learn about how to not inadvertently make things worse.

Can you tell us more about some of the difficult behaviors are that you experiencing with her? What are these explosions like? What seems to trigger them?

sending you warm wishes, pearlsw.

[ponco]

But M was abused and neglected as a child and had two very emotionally and physically abusive marriages.  She also had several abusive dating relationships with men she met on-line, one of which resulted in her being drugged and date-raped.  

I would be very suspicious about those claims, it's a possibility that your BPD wife painted her former partners black and twisted (fabricated) events to make them look worse.

[Skip]

This is a good book about how to not make things worse - dodging the bullet.
https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/loving-someone-borderline-personality-disorder

PTSD therapy is very traumatic.

Can you give us an example of how she is acting out?

[Husband321]

I would be very suspicious about those claims, it's a possibility that your BPD wife painted her former partners black and twisted (fabricated) events to make them look worse.

Agree with this. My wife was supposedly drug/raped/abused seemingly in every past relationship.  Now that she left me she is making up stories about me as well.

[Skip]

I would be very suspicious about those claims, it's a possibility that your BPD wife painted her former partners black and twisted (fabricated) events to make them look worse.

Agree with this. My wife was supposedly drug/raped/abused seemingly in every past relationship.  Now that she left me she is making up stories about me as well.

Would you guys be OK if i asked if we are qualified to say this based on one post and if so, how this helps our new member?

Whatever transpired, a professional has diagnosed her with PTSD and she is undergoing treatment and she is exhibiting all the common signs of a person with PTSD going through treatment. We know that a significant percent of people with BPD have abuse in their history - researcher have reported numbers ranging from 30-60%. And the remaining percent live in homes where there was a sensitivity mismatch (no wrongdoing, but painful).

Our partners are not necessarily proxies for other relationships at this level? Some pwBPD do lie and exaggerate. The incidence level is certainly high (two very emotionally and physically abusive marriages and several abusive dating relationships with men she met on-line, one of which resulted in her being drugged and date-raped.) Does this, however, trump everything else?

I guess I am understanding more of what BPD does to a person.  But it is very stressful and confusing to deal with this.  I hope I can get some useful handles from reading about how others are coping with similar situations.  

Challenging her experience and the therapists qualifications during this intense and invasive treatment is not probably not the best way to support or cope right now.

I seem to be in the role as both M's savior and her target of opportunity when she is upset.

It is a great thing that she is in therapy. You are doing the right thing to find ways t define your role while she is going through this. You want to be supportive, but not a savior. You want to be strong and resilient, but not an enabler - you need to instill your values and boundaries so that that there is no confusion about them and then live it.

[livednlearned]

This is a good book about how to not make things worse - dodging the bullet.
https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/loving-someone-borderline-personality-disorder

This book changed everything for me, and really helped me connect with my partner's BPD daughter. Many of the communication/relationship skills that help a BPD loved one are not intuitive, and need to be practiced.

The skills are also helpful in all relationships 

Valerie Porr's book Overcoming BPD is also a good one.

When you become her target of opportunity, what happens?

Maybe we can walk with you through an example and point you to some skills that can help prevent things from getting worse.