What about when YOU get triggered?

[Jessica84]

What do you do when YOU get triggered during a BPD argument?

I know we're supposed to be the "emotional adults" (ALL THE TIME) but we're also humans. We feel things too. There are times when WE get frustrated or even furious when our partners pull arguments out of thin air or push our buttons. How about when they WANT to stay mad? Won't calm down no matter what you say or do? Or don't say, or don't do? They choose to be mad so they push every button you have until you're mad?

I have been better at not triggering him, but I can't know ALL of his triggers. Could be literally anything! Inevitably I'll slip up and say something I shouldn't have. But I never know it until it's too late. The pin pops out of the grenade and there's no putting it back in. It gets old. I say one wrong thing and the whole evening is ruined. This really gets to me at times... are we expected to be perfect?

Ever get tired of being punished... .for being yourself?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Well, it happens   About all I can say is to be the best person you can be, and trust in who you are.  It IS gonna happen, and while they may beat you up over it, no reason you have to beat yourself up, too.  Example:  My wife is furious at me because I called the police when she started smashing dishes.  Was I triggered?  Hell yeah!  Violence triggers me.   

Here's abut the best solution - enforce boundaries and exit the conversation before the pwBPD can trigger you.

[Notwendy]

This is something that MC helped me with - to own our own triggers. She said that when I worked on mine , I would get triggered by him less. It also helped to do the 12 steps - co dependency. I called my sponsor a lot when these crazy times happened.

It took work but it did happen. Not 100 % but it is better. i think we all can get triggered at times . My T told me not to WOE and let him deal with being triggered. Of course try not to do it, but it's going to happen because no matter what we do, they are going to make this stuff up in their minds. I can't feel responsible for someone's insanity- just my own  - .

Take care of yourself once this happens. You know that no reasoning or other attempt work at this time - walk away, listen to music- whatever you need to take care of yourself.

[Cat Familiar]

What do you do when YOU get triggered during a BPD argument?

I know we're supposed to be the "emotional adults" (ALL THE TIME) but we're also humans. We feel things too. There are times when WE get frustrated or even furious when our partners pull arguments out of thin air or push our buttons. How about when they WANT to stay mad? Won't calm down no matter what you say or do? Or don't say, or don't do? They choose to be mad so they push every button you have until you're mad?

I have been better at not triggering him, but I can't know ALL of his triggers. Could be literally anything! Inevitably I'll slip up and say something I shouldn't have. But I never know it until it's too late. The pin pops out of the grenade and there's no putting it back in. It gets old. I say one wrong thing and the whole evening is ruined. This really gets to me at times... are we expected to be perfect?

Ever get tired of being punished... .for being yourself?

Jessica, I totally feel exactly what you're saying.   It's so frustrating to always have to be the adult, to keep their feelings in mind at all times, to monitor our communication, our facial expression, our tone of voice in every moment. Then when they play fast and loose with the rules, become totally irrational, take offense at the most insignificant comment--we're supposed to fix everything. Unfair does not even begin to describe our situation.

And that "the whole evening is ruined" is such a bizarre concept to me. My husband will say something like that and it is mind boggling to me--like can't you just let it go, dude, and move on? But no, everything is black and white to them.

As I've participated on this board and started working with my own therapist (at first, just to learn how to deal with my husband's crazy making behavior, but now to uncover FOO stuff since my mother was also a pwBPD), I've started to love myself even more and also to dislike my husband a bit more too. I guess that's helpful to me in that I don't care as much if he's unhappy.

The most important thing I've realized is when dysregulation begins (love your metaphor about the pin popping out of the grenade), I have a nanosecond to try to make it better before it turns into a full-on upset, at which time I've discovered that any effort on my part seems to make things worse, so I get the hell out of his way and let him as my dad would say, "stew in his own juices."

[Kabooma]

Unfair does not even begin to describe our situation.

Those words ring in my head way too often.

And that "the whole evening is ruined" is such a bizarre concept to me. My husband will say something like that and it is mind boggling to me--like can't you just let it go, dude, and move on? But no, everything is black and white to them.

WOW yes.  My wife can have DAYS ruined by a single wrong word at the wrong time.  I just cannot process how she will let the most insignificant detail ruin "EVERYTHING".  In life, nothing I've ever been a part of has been "perfect" and yet the BPD expects nothing less, and anything less ruins everything.  It's gas on the fire time, light 'em up.

She will go as far to sabotage things, especially when she's on that fence ready to paint black.

And the black and white thing is way too true... They can't let any moral failing (except their own) go unpunished.  She's constantly losing jobs because at the first slight (what she sees as a slight) happens to her, it's war.  She will make sure that person is punished for all eternity, usually ending up with her getting fired for misconduct.

I can't break the cycle... All the mood stabilizers and depression drugs her psychiatrist gives her only regulate the down times.  Once she's ramped up, there's no stopping her.

Sorry, I guess I'm hijacking the thread... you just... hit a nail on the head and my PTSD from 15 years with her kicked in.  Damn I need to get away from her, it's destroying me.

[EaglesJuju]

This can be really frustrating!

This is something that MC helped me with - to own our own triggers. She said that when I worked on mine , I would get triggered by him less. It also helped to do the 12 steps - co dependency. I called my sponsor a lot when these crazy times happened.

Working through my triggers has helped me. Unfortunately, I suffer from DPD and the push behavior of pwBPD triggers me badly.

There are times when I have been triggered and he just dissociates. When I did not understand BPD, this would upset me even more. It made me think that he did not care.

Other times, I will use SET and directly telling him that his behavior is triggering me. He knows what a trigger is and is working on his triggers in therapy. I told him that I know and understand his, it is only reasonable that he should know and understand mine.

[Jessica84]

I know my triggers pretty well and try to think of ways to handle them in advance so when they come up, I'm prepared. The tools here have helped me a lot. I start out by calming myself first - that's a biggie! Then I try looking for the emotions behind his words, validate, not JADE. This is usually enough to diffuse the bomb in most situations. But not always... .

It's when he gets mad and decides to stay mad that I get frustrated. My patience wears out.

No warning signs, no buildup. Everything's fine, and then oops you shouldn't said that, but you did, so now you've lost him for the next 4 hours, might as well leave because there's no coming back from this... .sigh.

[Olinda]

I know my triggers pretty well and try to think of ways to handle them in advance so when they come up, I'm prepared. The tools here have helped me a lot. I start out by calming myself first - that's a biggie! Then I try looking for the emotions behind his words, validate, not JADE. This is usually enough to diffuse the bomb in most situations. But not always... .

It's when he gets mad and decides to stay mad that I get frustrated. My patience wears out.

No warning signs, no buildup. Everything's fine, and then oops you shouldn't said that, but you did, so now you've lost him for the next 4 hours, might as well leave because there's no coming back from this... .sigh.

This rings so true, might as well leave. I'm in that boat now and will be guilt tripping forever, feels like. I hear you... .

[Grey Kitty]

What do you do when YOU get triggered during a BPD argument?

I've tried two things... .

1. Get lost in being triggered. JADE all over the place, possibly start shouting... .

2. Get the heck outta there, and let myself calm down in an environment where I cannot make my marriage any worse than it already is right now. (Because I'm no longer interacting with my wife!)

Option #2 worked better 

I've gone out the door, trying not to slam it, trying not to shout as I said "If I stay here any longer I will do or say something I'll regret later." Getting out the door is a lot more important than the not shouting and not slamming parts.

Sometimes you don't have to validate, and don't have to deal with their crap.

Going away and having solitude was great for me. Going and doing something productive (away from my wife!) or calling a supportive friend was good too. Whatever you do to take care of yourself.

... .and all the hard work about removing your own triggers... .yes, I did that too... .but this isn't the time.

[Cat Familiar]

What do you do when YOU get triggered during a BPD argument?

I've tried two things... .

1. Get lost in being triggered. JADE all over the place, possibly start shouting... .

2. Get the heck outta there, and let myself calm down in an environment where I cannot make my marriage any worse than it already is right now. (Because I'm no longer interacting with my wife!)

Option #2 worked better  

I've gone out the door, trying not to slam it, trying not to shout as I said "If I stay here any longer I will do or say something I'll regret later." Getting out the door is a lot more important than the not shouting and not slamming parts.

Sometimes you don't have to validate, and don't have to deal with their crap.

Going away and having solitude was great for me. Going and doing something productive (away from my wife!) or calling a supportive friend was good too. Whatever you do to take care of yourself.

... .and all the hard work about removing your own triggers... .yes, I did that too... .but this isn't the time.

Thanks, GK, you brought a smile to my face with option #1.   Yes, I've done that and lived to regret it.

I want to add another useless option to the mix: 3. Try to express emotional vulnerability   I tried that last night and, to use my mother's expression, it went over like a lead balloon. (Don't know where that phrase came from, but undoubtedly that's where a band popular a few decades ago got their name.) I naively thought that since he was feeling unappreciated by friends that I could share my own vulnerability in that area and that he might learn something. Nope.   It seemed like he thought I was taking the focus away from his wretchedness and turning it into a pity party for me. (Dude does not understand the concept of metaphor.)

[Notwendy]

I've found that showing vulnerable emotions makes my H rage even more. During the last one, I started to cry. I assumed he would realize that he was being hurtful, but that made him get even meaner. I asked him later what is supposed to happen if I cry. His response was that if I was crying about something else, then he would not be angry, but implying that H is the reason why I cried makes him mad.

Being oversensitive to any implied insult, if I communicate in any way that I am crying because of him, he gets to be angry.

Go figure.

But to me, the crying was not a result of being triggered, but realizing that this rage, and most of them, were over reasons he made up in his head. What was triggering was when I bought into his reasons, and then tried to JADE. I decided I don't have to defend what I don't think is true, and I can't change what he thinks.

Their ability to trigger an emotional response in us is still a way to connect emotionally. Maybe that is why they do it.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, my husband sometimes thinks if I cry, I'm trying to manipulate him.

He feels free to let his emotions run rampant. G-d forbid if I do! 

[Grey Kitty]

What do you do when YOU get triggered during a BPD argument?

1. Get lost in being triggered. JADE all over the place, possibly start shouting... .

2. Get the heck outta there, and let myself calm down in an environment where I cannot make my marriage any worse than it already is right now. (Because I'm no longer interacting with my wife!)

3. Try to express emotional vulnerability   I tried that last night and, to use my mother's expression, it went over like a lead balloon.

I agree that being vulnerable hasn't helped me at a time like that.

Honestly, I don't think I have ever had it in me to even try that when I was triggered. The closest I ever did was try to share that I was hurting from what she had just said... .which generally resulted in "doubling down" on the invalidation and hurtfulness. 

[Notwendy]

Me too Cat, and then he tells me how he's the logical one 

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Jessica, I totally feel exactly what you're saying.   It's so frustrating to always have to be the adult, to keep their feelings in mind at all times, to monitor our communication, our facial expression, our tone of voice in every moment. Then when they play fast and loose with the rules, become totally irrational, take offense at the most insignificant comment--we're supposed to fix everything. Unfair does not even begin to describe our situation.

AT ALL TIMES... .IN EVERY MOMENT... .there aren't enough capital letters to convey how exhausting it can be.

[ColdEthyl]

Me too Cat, and then he tells me how he's the logical one 

Same here. My H has said my crying makes him mad because he can't 'fix it' when I'm hurting. It's really frustrating trying to be the one in control all the time... and when WE have a weak moment we do not have any emotional support from them. Not only that... .but we get the opposite >.<

[Grey Kitty]

Jessica, I totally feel exactly what you're saying.   It's so frustrating to always have to be the adult, to keep their feelings in mind at all times, to monitor our communication, our facial expression, our tone of voice in every moment. Then when they play fast and loose with the rules, become totally irrational, take offense at the most insignificant comment--we're supposed to fix everything. Unfair does not even begin to describe our situation.

AT ALL TIMES... .IN EVERY MOMENT... .there aren't enough capital letters to convey how exhausting it can be.

True... .but you in reality, you don't do everything perfect, using the right tools all the time.

Sometimes you don't have it in you, or just don't think first, and you do say something pissy or snippy... .

And even if it does result in a full-blown dysregulation, it isn't the end of the world. You will pick up and move on, and so will your partner.