What does this mean?

[who_knows11]

We had small conflict last night.  Not as intense as many before but stemming from the same things.  It started with asking me for advice about how to handle something and then she apparently started asking herself why she would ask me for advice  when she says I'm doing the same things to her as the person she was asking me for advice about.  Anyway, she stated some things that I'm unsure what to make of.  For one she said she had reached a point where she is no longer going to let the way that I treat her cause her to have emotional reactions.  She was just going to accept that I am who I am and go on.  This sounds good in theory but I could tell throughout the "discussion" that she was still emotionally charged but just not letting it out.  It seems a little opposite of a BPD reaction to me.  What do I make of this, and is it another component to the BPD or am I just missing something?

Second, she also stated that as a result of this revelation she has come to the point that she has decided she needs to quit trying to fix me and start working on herself.  Again, sounds great but I'm not sure what to make of it since it doesn't seem to fit the normal mindset.  Should I see this as a potentially good sign or is this part of the BPD process that I'm not aware of?  Thanks for the all the help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Destiny 37]

We had small conflict last night.  Not as intense as many before but stemming from the same things.  It started with asking me for advice about how to handle something and then she apparently started asking herself why she would ask me for advice  when she says I'm doing the same things to her as the person she was asking me for advice about.  Anyway, she stated some things that I'm unsure what to make of.  For one she said she had reached a point where she is no longer going to let the way that I treat her cause her to have emotional reactions.  She was just going to accept that I am who I am and go on.  This sounds good in theory but I could tell throughout the "discussion" that she was still emotionally charged but just not letting it out.  It seems a little opposite of a BPD reaction to me.  What do I make of this, and is it another component to the BPD or am I just missing something?

Second, she also stated that as a result of this revelation she has come to the point that she has decided she needs to quit trying to fix me and start working on herself.  Again, sounds great but I'm not sure what to make of it since it doesn't seem to fit the normal mindset.  Should I see this as a potentially good sign or is this part of the BPD process that I'm not aware of?  Thanks for the all the help

You have to remember you are dealing with someone who is black and white in their way of thinking. They also think their feelings are facts. So this isn’t progress in my own opinion based on my own experiences as I get the same things said to me. I also get accused of things I haven’t done at all.

What is being done to her by this other person? If she says you do the same things? Does she think you are both out to get her?

Most people with BPD either can’t or struggle to accept they are the issue in most of their relationships. They often feel like they are victims of everyone around them and treated badly.

[who_knows11]

You have to remember you are dealing with someone who is black and white in their way of thinking. They also think their feelings are facts. So this isn’t progress in my own opinion based on my own experiences as I get the same things said to me. I also get accused of things I haven’t done at all.

What is being done to her by this other person? If she says you do the same things? Does she think you are both out to get her?

Most people with BPD either can’t or struggle to accept they are the issue in most of their relationships. They often feel like they are victims of everyone around them and treated badly.

That’s why I didn’t know what to make of it. It sounds like good things but I don’t expect her to change. I just found it odd to hear it. It shocked me to hear the 180 of nothing will get better until you change and then I know I can only work on me. I guess it just added to the confusion.

Yes she pretty much thinks ppl are just out to get her. She always asks what it is about her that makes ppl treat her the way they do. I always try to tell her it’s nothing about her. Just ppl being ppl but I know she’ll never see that

[Destiny 37]

That’s why I didn’t know what to make of it. It sounds like good things but I don’t expect her to change. I just found it odd to hear it. It shocked me to hear the 180 of nothing will get better until you change and then I know I can only work on me. I guess it just added to the confusion.

Yes she pretty much thinks ppl are just out to get her. She always asks what it is about her that makes ppl treat her the way they do. I always try to tell her it’s nothing about her. Just ppl being ppl but I know she’ll never see that

Unfortunately it is their behaviour that makes people go cold or funny towards them. I’ve seen my husband rub so many people up the wrong way and every scenario they are the ones with the problem.

If your partner is high functioning she will have moments of clarity I guess. My husband does but it always catches me off guard. I forget I’m speaking to someone who is rational and who doesn’t have the same thought processes as me. Then something else will happen and I’ll get a very child like BPD response from him. It’s like I have to keep reminding myself at times he’s emotionally underdeveloped. I have moments with my daughter where she will be incredibly mature and listen intently. Then five minutes later she’ll be refusing to move on a walk because I’m mean. It’s pretty the same thing with a person who has BPD in my experience.

[who_knows11]

Unfortunately it is their behaviour that makes people go cold or funny towards them. I’ve seen my husband rub so many people up the wrong way and every scenario they are the ones with the problem.

If your partner is high functioning she will have moments of clarity I guess. My husband does but it always catches me off guard. I forget I’m speaking to someone who is rational and who doesn’t have the same thought processes as me. Then something else will happen and I’ll get a very child like BPD response from him. It’s like I have to keep reminding myself at times he’s emotionally underdeveloped. I have moments with my daughter where she will be incredibly mature and listen intently. Then five minutes later she’ll be refusing to move on a walk because I’m mean. It’s pretty the same thing with a person who has BPD in my experience.

It has been interesting reading about everyone’s experiences. I haven’t seen the childlike “fits” so to speak other than maybe 2 incidences. It’s mostly the victimized perspective of her life. The “everyone else has the wrong approach to life” type of thing. Always someone else’s fault and it’s apparently impossible not to place blame. As I say that though I can see how that is a childlike mentality just without the fit. I think one of the hardest parts is that it seems they have this feeling that the other person believes they are perfect and never makes mistakes. She tells me I never take responsibility for my faults.  I know I’m far from perfect. I just don’t beat myself up over my shortcomings

[MobyCloud]

We had small conflict last night.  Not as intense as many before but stemming from the same things.  It started with asking me for advice about how to handle something and then she apparently started asking herself why she would ask me for advice  when she says I'm doing the same things to her as the person she was asking me for advice about.  Anyway, she stated some things that I'm unsure what to make of.  For one she said she had reached a point where she is no longer going to let the way that I treat her cause her to have emotional reactions.  She was just going to accept that I am who I am and go on.  This sounds good in theory but I could tell throughout the "discussion" that she was still emotionally charged but just not letting it out.  It seems a little opposite of a BPD reaction to me.  What do I make of this, and is it another component to the BPD or am I just missing something?

Second, she also stated that as a result of this revelation she has come to the point that she has decided she needs to quit trying to fix me and start working on herself.  Again, sounds great but I'm not sure what to make of it since it doesn't seem to fit the normal mindset.  Should I see this as a potentially good sign or is this part of the BPD process that I'm not aware of?  Thanks for the all the help

For thought:
"Honey, I am really thankful for the approach you used the other day. I love you and care about how you feel, I want you to know that. After trying it, if that is a change you want to commit to, we can work on it together over time. I can see how the situation could have made you feel the way you did, and the last thing I want is for you to feel invalidated."

Sometimes a new approach can be "scary" because it isn't how you are used to your partner responding.

[who_knows11]

For thought:
"Honey, I am really thankful for the approach you used the other day. I love you and care about how you feel, I want you to know that. After trying it, if that is a change you want to commit to, we can work on it together over time. I can see how the situation could have made you feel the way you did, and the last thing I want is for you to feel invalidated."

Sometimes a new approach can be "scary" because it isn't how you are used to your partner responding.

So it was strange. Her approach and feelings/words towards me were no different. Less intense for the most part but still the same things. The only different thing was the work on herself part. It was like the fact that she said she was giving up on changing me and working on herself was supposed to provoke an emotional response from me. Like it would hurt my feelings enough to make me see the light. At least that’s how it felt.

I’m working on the validation thing. I have tried on several occasions to say that I hate she feels the way she does and I’m sorry for making her feel that way. It’s met with “you don’t really understand and you’re not sorry or you’d stop making me feel this way. You saying that makes me feel more like you just don’t care and are saying what you think you have to in order to get out of the confrontation”

[MobyCloud]

So it was strange. Her approach and feelings/words towards me were no different. Less intense for the most part but still the same things. The only different thing was the work on herself part. It was like the fact that she said she was giving up on changing me and working on herself was supposed to provoke an emotional response from me. Like it would hurt my feelings enough to make me see the light. At least that’s how it felt.

I’m working on the validation thing. I have tried on several occasions to say that I hate she feels the way she does and I’m sorry for making her feel that way. It’s met with “you don’t really understand and you’re not sorry or you’d stop making me feel this way. You saying that makes me feel more like you just don’t care and are saying what you think you have to in order to get out of the confrontation”

"I understand that I've contributed to you feeling that way. What can I do to help build up our emotional bank account? I know neither of us enjoys when we have interactions like this. We are together to enjoy life together and make each day better than the last. When we first started dating, I thought X Y and Z of you. I still feel the same to this day, and I am sorry if our interactions, my actions or my inactions have made you think differently."

PSA don't listen to a word I say because I am in a world of hurt and barely conscious

[Cat Familiar]

I have tried on several occasions to say that I hate she feels the way she does and I’m sorry for making her feel that way. It’s met with “you don’t really understand and you’re not sorry or you’d stop making me feel this way. You saying that makes me feel more like you just don’t care and are saying what you think you have to in order to get out of the confrontation”

In both of these responses, yours and hers, there is the idea that you are making her feel a certain way. You don’t have that power. She is choosing her emotional response to you, though she may be unaware that she has a choice.

Perhaps asking questions more could help. “Honey, how are you feeling? What is upsetting you? How can we make things better? What would you like me to do?”

Don’t take credit/responsibility for something you clearly haven’t done. It undermines your credibility and she’s correct in saying that you are trying to get out of the situation.

It’s completely understandable why you would not want to participate further in an altercation. But this method of apologizing is not working.