Hot

[johnnyonthespot]

One thing I've noted reading these posts among us NONs is how consistently we bring up our ex-BPD-so's attractiveness/ sexiness.

Are there unattractive BPD subsets? Or is being attractive a vital ingredient? Attractive people clearly get more leeway when it comes to obnoxious behavior, especially from people enamored by them. And attractive people always have other options. So is the allowance/ tolerance of a certain self-centered behavior a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. Do they develop a disorder, in part, because we permit it? Is it societal (again, in part)?

[willy45]

Is it that they are hot? Or is it that we think they are hot? I think that is the real question. I still think of my ex as being the hottest person on the planet. Is she? No. In fact, I knew her for a year and didn't even really notice her. In fact, there were aspects of her physically that I thought were kind of yuck. I remember specifically avoiding my gaze on that and turning away on purpose, to not destroy the illusion. Now though, oh man. I think of her as this irreplaceably hot creature that I could never replace.

So really, I think that hotness is really something that we have bestowed on them. After the break up, I somehow remember her as being super duper extra hot. She's not though.

[TheSomberlain]

Pretty sure this is a common phenomenon with people in relationships. Not just people with BPD. I've heard friends in the past and even currently who think their significant other is "hot" and I look at them and think "really?" Don't over glorify these people. There are plenty of attractive nons.

[myself]

We were in love with them. That always looks the best.

Eyes of the beholder.

Eyes looking into mirrors of need, desires, and pain.

Vision and perspective can change, though.

[Blessed0329]

Both of my BPD exes are/were very hot. (Yes, I was involved with someone 20 years ago who was totally nuts, just like my recent one.) These guys are both very accomplished seducers, very much Don Juan's. And both are incredibly sexy. Hard to give that part up, actually.

[willy45]

Guys... .

Why focus on them. If they are so hot, then what does that make us? We must also be incredibly hot. People are usually attracted to people who are kind of around the same level of attractiveness. If they are so incredibly hot and they could have anyone they wanted, why go with us?

And I don't buy the whole victim thing. Like we were targets. Like there was something deficient in us that made them like us. I really don't buy it. Maybe what we need to work on is why we stayed. That makes sense. That is worth looking at. But the initial attraction must have been physical on some level. So, there you have it. If they are so incredibly hot, then logically, we must be too.

[bpdspell]

Guys... .

Why focus on them. If they are so hot, then what does that make us? We must also be incredibly hot. People are usually attracted to people who are kind of around the same level of attractiveness. If they are so incredibly hot and they could have anyone they wanted, why go with us?

And I don't buy the whole victim thing. Like we were targets. Like there was something deficient in us that made them like us. I really don't buy it. Maybe what we need to work on is why we stayed. That makes sense. That is worth looking at. But the initial attraction must have been physical on some level. So, there you have it. If they are so incredibly hot, then logically, we must be too.

I agree. We give our BPD SO's way more credit than they deserve when it comes to "hotness."    Looks schmooks... .Beauty's in the eye of the beholder and at the end of the day their so called attractiveness is superficial to the nine's because the put the k in crazy. I only wish that good looks could solve mental illness.  

With the being said. My ex had the body of a stud and the sexual attraction was mutual. But their disorder overpowers whatever surface value they may carry. When someone is capable of sucking the life out of you does it matter how attractive they are?

I would drink my ex's bathwater if I could have him with his sanity.

[GreenMango]

People get away with treating others a certain way because we let them or value/trade some things over others... .like hotness over consideration or respect.  It says just as much about the partner as it does about the hot one (BPD or not).

[johnnyonthespot]

Agree with all above; thanks for insight. I'm just as curious as to whether societal perceptions place a role in the development for BPD.  For instance, there is no question that a cute girl or guy is more apt to be tolerated, forgiven, by selfish or petty behavior... .really from the earliest age but certainly once sexual attractiveness is in place.

Are there ugly people with BPD?

[MaybeSo]

Yes, of course. If you go to a psych hospital or out patient program you will see regular looking or even unattractive people (by societal standards) with all variety of mental health issues including BPD.

[Winglessfallen]

I think that the points of argument saying the trade off are very poignant.  I tend to be the reverse, if I can relate to someone and feel like I am a good match with them, I tend to see them in a more attractive light.  I've always been more into the one of the guys kind of girls who don't try too hard, but can put it on when they want.  My BPDgf has the opposite affect.  I think she is physically, at least at first impression or so, very attractive, its what got me interested in her.  But as the relationship evolved and her traits and disagreeability came through more and more, she slowly grew more unattractive to me.  Obviously when the good feelings are present her attractiveness returns in my eyes, but its mostly very superficial.

[gina louise]

My HUSBAND is NOT all that but he wishes he was.   

he also expects to land a partner who is all dolled up, 20 years younger, rich, and can take care of him in every way.

He went full on into lasix surgery, teeth whitened, plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures.

stated he had to stay current for the shifting job market.   "?"

He's 30-40 pounds overweight, dresses at home like a total slob, and binges on crap food.

Couch potato with the remote.

Whines constantly about his looks, his weight and how miserable he is.

Not attractive. anymore... .but was fit and tanned when we met 4 years ago.

He vacillates between rigidly controlled and impulsive behavior.

GL

[DC Daniel]

I haven't logged in here for a long time... I divorced my BPD nutcase 3 years ago and can tell you that when she was seducing me, I found her to be the hottest thing in the world. During the ideation phase, I would lie in bed and wonder why or how I was so lucky to have found the perfect woman.

3 years later, I look back and realized that she wasn't that hot. She looks nuts! She never was that hot! But she knew how to sexualize herself and give the illusion of confidence. She was a virgin when we first met (should have been a sign, a 25 year old virgin), but seemed like a pro at sex. They are incredible mimickers, and mold themselves to what you desire during the initial phase. It is all an illusion. Strip down the layers and only ugliness resides.

I just got remarried to a beautiful, kind and amazing woman. She isn't as sexual or seductive as the ex... Which as I get older is a good thing.

[jdcthunder14]

Mine was very attractive and younger than me. I knew about some of her mental illness issues (she told me) but I was unaware of the missed Dx of BPD. I allowed looks to be enough for me... .because at that time the sex was all I needed. As to the every pwBPD is hot, not sure about that... .but one that is attractive can move to a replacement much much easier than a "plain" looking girl. Mine used to be a stripper, so she definitely knew how to play the game with men.

So it might be that attractive pwBPD can and do have an easier time living with the disorder than others. No question that in most aspects of life there is a beauty bias.

[paul16]

Same story as jdcthunder14 except for the stripper part. But mine was better at manipulating men than any stripper could be. She had it going on and knew how to use it. In combination with her disorder, her self centered psychopathic personality wreaked havoc on everything in its path. Before we were romantically involved I used to see her around (she lived next door to me) and think "Just once before I die." Careful what you wish for... .

[GreenMango]

Alright guys I hope I can call ya on this a bit. 

Seriously strippers are working.  The point is to get paid for work.  Customers pay for services.  Nobody is being unconsciously manipulated.  Customers aren't being unwittingly lead to believe that the arrangement is anything other than what it is a sexual business.  Its a business regardless of any of our personal feelings.


As far as an attractive person using their attraction to keep a person or manipulate them we are only manipulated here if we let them and value looks/sex over other things.  The fallout in a situation like this isn't really one persons fault.  One person is shallow and the other likes attention. And letting physical attraction be the primary factor in choosing a mate.

It can be huge lesson on values becuase who you pick as a partner has a huge influence on the quality of your life.

[hithere]

My exBPD was cute and chubby when I met her, she lost weight, had a boob job, botox, etc... .she wanted me to be fat and would threaten and dysregulate if I ever lost weight, she wanted to use that as part of the way to trap me in the relationship.

[GreenMango]

Hithere can you see how if you are more attractive its a threat to her and how with her "improvements" it really is a person who's insecure and needs that attention to feel better? 

Nobody stays young and good looking this all eventually fades with time and old age what keeps those old people together is the bond and attraction that is more than their skin.  But being with someone who's can't understand that or struggles with selfworth is hard road especially as we age. 

[jdcthunder14]

Don't want to argue GreenMango so please dont take it that way.

Mine X wasn't a stripper when I met her, she was a special education teacher at a school for kids with Autism. I mentioned the stripper part because in general they look a certain way.

As to attraction, yep I like a girl that is attractive but as is the experience with most of the people on this website who she is, what she likes, and what her true feelings were about me and what and who she really is were fabricated. Unlike many of the other people on here I didn't last years, I didn't go through lots of recycles... .once I found out she was cheating on me that was the end.

[just me.]

I think this is a good topic and a HUGE part of what makes detaching from people with BPD so difficult.

In my experience, I found my ex-BPDw to be exceedingly physically attractive.  A lot of very attractive men may not be impressed by her... .  but for me, in perhaps my average-ness... .  I was overwhelmingly drawn to her physical appeal.  She was completely screwed up sexually... .  but even so... .  just seeing her and touching her made me crazy.

I think that may be a fairly universal example of why BPDs typically seem so hot.  It's not that they are all necessarily extraordinarily good-looking, but I suspect they probably do typically choose mates in which their physical features are more likely to be a source of control (which they crave) than a source of insecurity (which they cannot handle).  That is to say, me being attracted to her was a higher priority than her being attracted to me.

It's all relative.  Even a fairly unattractive woman could easily find a man that would realize she's the "best he could ever have", and so her standards for control and security are met by that.

The devastating part in all of this, of course, is that it works... .  and I think it kills a great deal of us on these boards.  After leaving me, my ex had a stream of (perhaps also not super-attractive) men just lining up to "save" her.  There will always be a never-ending supply of people that will show someone enormous affection, idolization, and "love" if it means the opportunity to be in a relationship with someone that they might have previously feared was "out of their league".  It's not just about sex... .  it's about having the most beautiful person you could realistically picture ever being with telling you that you are the best they ever had... .  and they are attracted to you... .  and think you're beautiful.  It's almost impossible to pass up... .  red flags or not.

I think a better-looking man, in my situation, would have left her and moved on a long time ago.  As it is... .  I'm forced to face the reality that her beautiful body will never return to me and will never be truly replaced.  I think that part hurts a lot of us in our recovery.  I know it does me.

[Weird Fishes]

Alright guys I hope I can call ya on this a bit. 

Seriously strippers are working.  The point is to get paid for work.  Customers pay for services.  Nobody is being unconsciously manipulated.  Customers aren't being unwittingly lead to believe that the arrangement is anything other than what it is a sexual business.  Its a business regardless of any of our personal feelings.


As far as an attractive person using their attraction to keep a person or manipulate them we are only manipulated here if we let them and value looks/sex over other things.  The fallout in a situation like this isn't really one persons fault.  One person is shallow and the other likes attention. And letting physical attraction be the primary factor in choosing a mate.

It can be huge lesson on values becuase who you pick as a partner has a huge influence on the quality of your life.

oh my GOD Green Mango thaaaaaank you

Some of the stuff on the boards this week makes me want to flip tables, you are way more constructive than I could ever be.

[blurry]

 Funny, i think my ex is the hottest, prettiest, sexiest woman in the world, i literally lose my breath at the sight of her. My 2 closest buddies say they thought she was unattractive at best and i must be nuts for putting up with all the BS. Not sure if they mean it or trying to make me feel better. In contrast, her ex that she went back to during one of our breakups, not to sound conceited, but hes not even close to me in looks, and according to her not close in bed either. Of course, who knows, coming from a BPD person.

[just me.]

In contrast, her ex that she went back to during one of our breakups, not to sound conceited, but hes not even close to me in looks, and according to her not close in bed either. Of course, who knows, coming from a BPD person.

Yep.  My exBPDw swore up and down (over and over) that I was the best she'd ever had.  Now she's back with her ex-boyfriend that she was with before me... .  and I would assume he's hearing the same things.  The tough part is realizing and that she probably wouldn't feel she was being dishonest in either case... .  it is simply a matter of being intimately involved with a person for whom reality is malleable and ever-changing.  Whatever ego-boost I got from being "the best" is of course something I can probably not retain... .  try though I might.

[Seb]

Not wanting to back myself too much here, but I was definitely considered more attractive than my exgf.  Her friends would always say to her (in front of me), "How the heck did you get her?"

When we were together I thought she was absolutely beautiful. She never made any effort with her appearance... never/very rarely wore make up, dressed down, tied her hair back, and didn't have the greatest skin. But I didn't care - I thought she was amazing, so so gorgeous. I loved her face, it made me light up. But it worried her, constantly, that I would wake up one day and realise I was out of her league... .  that I fancied other people, that I would leave her for a man. She would always ask me if I fancied her - of course I did, I told her all the time, but it ever sunk in. I told her I loved and adored her and how beautiful she was to me every single day. But it wasn't enough, she was never going to believe it.

So, no mine wouldn't be extraordinarily attractive to most people - but when we were together, and happy, she really was to me. Of course, she's far less attractive to me now. In fact, she's now almost as ugly to me as her behaviour. I doubt she has a problem with supply, she is very sexually aggressive and assertive... no girl is safe! Trust me... gay, straight (particularly straight) they're all in her radar!