I became someone I’m not in the relationship

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am not doing very well. I can’t get over the depression. I can’t get over missing them. I have a couple of good days then I just lose it. I’m spiraling. I can’t stop thinking about all my mistakes. I am having very dark thoughts.

I became someone I’m not in the relationship. I wasn’t ready and my codependency took over at the first sign of questionable actions. We didn’t take time to get to know each other.  I was so jealous and controlling. I pressed so hard to try and make things work. I knew there were lies going on, I knew they weren’t over their LTR with their ex. I replaced the ex. I just wish I could’ve been more empathetic and let her go through her moments. Because we eventually hit a really good point.

I just wish I had played it cooler. I didn’t know about Cluster B disorders until it was too late. I couldn’t understand the lashing out. The verbal assault. I couldn’t understand the impulsivity.

Eventually, 10 months into our relationship. We hit a good point. And my idiot mind went looking and found some lies from very early on.

I couldn’t forgive them.

I don’t know why I did that. Minus the occasional drunken night, they chose me everyday. We did everything together. I adored her family and was so happy to have found someone to settle down with.

And after that, things were never the same. That’s when I was truly devalued.

I miss them so much. I don’t really want to be alive anymore. I know that’s stupid, but I had my entire life planned out, with the person I’ve always wanted. It isn’t fair.

[So many questions]

I am not doing very well. I can’t get over the depression. I can’t get over missing them. I have a couple of good days then I just lose it. I’m spiraling. I can’t stop thinking about all my mistakes. I am having very dark thoughts.

I became someone I’m not in the relationship. I wasn’t ready and my codependency took over at the first sign of questionable actions. We didn’t take time to get to know each other.  I was so jealous and controlling. I pressed so hard to try and make things work. I knew there were lies going on, I knew they weren’t over their LTR with their ex. I replaced the ex. I just wish I could’ve been more empathetic and let her go through her moments. Because we eventually hit a really good point.

I just wish I had played it cooler. I didn’t know about Cluster B disorders until it was too late. I couldn’t understand the lashing out. The verbal assault. I couldn’t understand the impulsivity.

Eventually, 10 months into our relationship. We hit a good point. And my idiot mind went looking and found some lies from very early on.

I couldn’t forgive them.

I don’t know why I did that. Minus the occasional drunken night, they chose me everyday. We did everything together. I adored her family and was so happy to have found someone to settle down with.

And after that, things were never the same. That’s when I was truly devalued.

I miss them so much. I don’t really want to be alive anymore. I know that’s stupid, but I had my entire life planned out, with the person I’ve always wanted. It isn’t fair.

[drumdog4M]

So many questions,

I empathize with your feelings and the pain you are going through. Based on what I have read of your story, you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. None of us is perfect, and it is very difficult to have a stable relationship with a pwBPD even when you both have the knowledge and willingness to make it work.

Having been down this path with my ex-pwBPD, I can tell you that after some time of stability, something would arise that would cause her to become emotionally dysregulated, often with it leading to a significant threat to our relationship. Whether she thought I had invalidated her, she felt her mother had compared her unfavorably to her sister, or she got drunk and slept with her ex-fiance. There was always something. And I did most of the work to hold things together even during periods when she wasn't meeting my needs and I was concerned she would either cheat or end the relationship depending on her mood.

What you and all of us experienced here is soul crushing, but I try to remind myself that my fantasy of having the perfect relationship I dreamed of with her could have become a reality if only I had / had not done x, in all likelihood was a fantasy. The reality is that I could have been further addicted to an unhealthy relationship.

You will be heal with time, support, compassion for yourself, and therapy. Though things seem dark now, you will not always feel this low. Your posts from a couple weeks ago were optimistic and gave me hope for myself in reading them.

One day, after you have healed, you will find the relationship you yearn for and deserve, with a woman who is capable of reciprocating the love you have to offer.

Hang in there, my friend. You're too valuable to give up. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually you will be surprised by how much progress you've made, notwithstanding the inevitable setbacks.

Today, I reread the "Ten Beliefs that Can Get you Stuck." You might find some useful thoughts in that article as well.

 

[NotAHero]

I am not doing very well. I can’t get over the depression. I can’t get over missing them. I have a couple of good days then I just lose it. I’m spiraling. I can’t stop thinking about all my mistakes. I am having very dark thoughts.

I became someone I’m not in the relationship. I wasn’t ready and my codependency took over at the first sign of questionable actions. We didn’t take time to get to know each other.  I was so jealous and controlling. I pressed so hard to try and make things work. I knew there were lies going on, I knew they weren’t over their LTR with their ex. I replaced the ex. I just wish I could’ve been more empathetic and let her go through her moments. Because we eventually hit a really good point.

I just wish I had played it cooler. I didn’t know about Cluster B disorders until it was too late. I couldn’t understand the lashing out. The verbal assault. I couldn’t understand the impulsivity.

Eventually, 10 months into our relationship. We hit a good point. And my idiot mind went looking and found some lies from very early on.

I couldn’t forgive them.

I don’t know why I did that. Minus the occasional drunken night, they chose me everyday. We did everything together. I adored her family and was so happy to have found someone to settle down with.

And after that, things were never the same. That’s when I was truly devalued.

I miss them so much. I don’t really want to be alive anymore. I know that’s stupid, but I had my entire life planned out, with the person I’ve always wanted. It isn’t fair.

 You have to understand that BPD will throw seeds of doubts then weaponize your reactions.  Yes you could of prolonged the inevitable but it is always a matter of time.

 Read about the “love tests” they do. She will push boundaries and if you don’t react they will push further. If you react they will weaponize your reaction and blame you for being mean.

 Work on yourself, don’t wallow, heal.

 I’m in the same situation plus we have a child so I’m not preaching without knowing how it feels. I am in pain but I know the right path out. Please consider my words.

[drumdog4M]

Here is a link to the document I mentioned above. It's been a valuable resource to me, which helps to ground me when I start going down the path of "what ifs" and "if onlys."

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

[LaRonge]

I miss them so much. I don’t really want to be alive anymore. I know that’s stupid, but I had my entire life planned out, with the person I’ve always wanted. It isn’t fair.

Hey So many questions, sorry for what you're going through. It's awful. Are you in therapy? If not, is that something you would consider? Therapy, and, if your therapist agrees, medication, would be the most helpful things you could right now, I think.

[Hermetyko]

Hi Family,
It’s so nice and helpful to be part of this… As everybody in here I’m currently suffering the aftermath of my non treated bpd ex girlfriend break up… she is from Canada and I’m from Spain… when we started dating, march 2020, it was mostly from a far because of the pandemic… 1 year from a far (she came twice to Spain, I didn’t see major red flags at all)… she moved to Spain last year in march… from the very beginning I started to see wierd behaviours (rage, taking the most insignificant things personal as big thing)… at that time I had no idea what bpd was, not even it exists… I thought this reactions were caused for the challenges of starting a new life in a foreign country, The anxiety the sadness emotional instability , she got covered by my health insurance, and as soon as possible I  brought her to the the psychiatrist, she started treatment and she seemed to get better but in the summer she stopped taking the pills.
She never told me about her borderline personality disorder she suffers and she’s still in denial.
When we were back in Spain after being one month in Canada in September, the things get worse and worse and worse, she was having panic rage attacks to harming herself besides suicidal a threats… Checking my phone and tablet behind my back… Accusing me of cheating on her, gaslighting & abusing me and putting all the blame of all this nonsense, I couldn’t believe what was happening.
The situation just lasted two months two long long months… The first of December I broke up with her and I kicked her out of my home and I told  her to go back to Canada… she moved back the 4th.
First stage I was in shock & relieved she left, and Through my research and my T I found out she has bdp.
We kept in touch (I couldn’t go no contact)… I used grey stone way of communication… she insisted on having video chats… telling me that she missed me a lot, we were soulmates bla bla bla…  but I told her that it would have been bad for both of us… I didn’t allow her to get that… at that time I thought we could be at least friends, once We had healed from the break up…I asked her for  space and she accepted that.
After Christmas I started feeling sad and anxious, missing Her a lot… I had an anxiety attack and I got sleeping troubles because of the ruminating… I went on a 2 weeks trip to Mexico to get rid of the anxiety and trying to get some perspective from this crazyness… it worked and came back to Spain much less anxious.
When I came back in Spain we still followed each other on social media… I posted some stories in IG and for sure she didn’t like it at all seeing that I was moving on without sending her any messages.
One day she sent me a message on IG telling me that she were very low and had depression and right away she started to abuse me again telling mean and nasty things like It was my fault (I take my part as a codependent), I didn’t love her the way she deserved… I was controlling… she didn’t trust me… etc
It got me off guard and I fought back saying the  facts I suffered: being abused, mistreated, gaslighted, drained and I told her that She has bdp… she denied it going mad and blocking me from social media… in the beginning I felt guilty and pitty for her… but it was actually a great relief… I realised it was a truth act of love and care.
It’s been one moth since no contact… I started meditation and get counselling with my Ts… I got under control the anxiety mostly… but I feel lost… still guilty some times…Insecure… fearful of the future…  I know I’m addicted… I feel ashamed for still missing her… but I understand is because of the dissonance… I didn’t fall in love with her, I fell in love with a idealisation I made of her.
The denial stage was the last 2 months of the relationship
The bargaining and shock was in December (I had clear as day I didn’t want a romantic relationship with her anymore but I tried to end as well as possible the relationship becoming friends long time ahead in the future).
Depression it’s been since January so far… I hope no contact help me to get over this stage quickly and reach acceptance.
I had the support of family and friends and good resources but it hurts as hell, this is one of the worst experiences in my life.
As a codependent I’m really proud of myself for not getting stuck more the 2 months in this nonsense… accepting soon enough the sad reality.
It’s been one month no contact so far and it’s been hard as PLEASE READ and still is… almost 4 months since break up
I would appreciate any suggestions or tips to get over it sooner and healthier
Thank you for your posts… they are a blessing for me!
Get back peace and serenity, we deserve it!

[finallyout]

I am not doing very well. I can’t get over the depression. I can’t get over missing them. I have a couple of good days then I just lose it. I’m spiraling. I can’t stop thinking about all my mistakes. I am having very dark thoughts.

Oh man, I am so sorry to hear that. I am in a similar place as you. Dealing with depression and anxiety post break-up is really hard. For me it is not really about missing them but about regretting being in relationship with them and having a child even. I can't stop thinking about my daughter, who has to deal with a disordered person for a very long time. 

From your previous posts, I had the impression that you were making a very good progress so far. I am sure one day you will get over her. Even if you don't want to, this is going to happen sooner or later. We human forget and go on with our lives at the end. Good luck.

[SinisterComplex]

I am not doing very well. I can’t get over the depression. I can’t get over missing them. I have a couple of good days then I just lose it. I’m spiraling. I can’t stop thinking about all my mistakes. I am having very dark thoughts.

I became someone I’m not in the relationship. I wasn’t ready and my codependency took over at the first sign of questionable actions. We didn’t take time to get to know each other.  I was so jealous and controlling. I pressed so hard to try and make things work. I knew there were lies going on, I knew they weren’t over their LTR with their ex. I replaced the ex. I just wish I could’ve been more empathetic and let her go through her moments. Because we eventually hit a really good point.

I just wish I had played it cooler. I didn’t know about Cluster B disorders until it was too late. I couldn’t understand the lashing out. The verbal assault. I couldn’t understand the impulsivity.

Eventually, 10 months into our relationship. We hit a good point. And my idiot mind went looking and found some lies from very early on.

I couldn’t forgive them.

I don’t know why I did that. Minus the occasional drunken night, they chose me everyday. We did everything together. I adored her family and was so happy to have found someone to settle down with.

And after that, things were never the same. That’s when I was truly devalued.

I miss them so much. I don’t really want to be alive anymore. I know that’s stupid, but I had my entire life planned out, with the person I’ve always wanted. It isn’t fair.

So things played out the way they were going to. You cannot beat yourself up about it. You wanted and yearned for something to fill the hole inside you. No one can fault you for that. However, to keep you on point...have to realize there is nothing you could have done differently that truly would have changed the outcome. In truth you need to focus on feeling and being free. Why? Do you want to have a partner who would lie to you, not value you, not respect you? I highly doubt that would be ok to you.

Build stronger and firmer boundaries and realize you have to trust your instincts. When something feels off or you smell some BS  well my friend call it out. Do not blow through red flags. Subconsciously you know when you blow through those flags and you go against your instincts you know the result will not be good. That is why I ask you...why do you punish yourself?

Do you feel there is something you have done that makes you believe this is what you deserve and is the best you can do?

Perhaps a different perspective which may help you, but it will take some time is that maybe you liked the facade and the idea of your former partner, but not your actual former partner. Take the time to separate the two. Each partner and failed relationship teaches us lessons about ourselves and what we like and don't like and what we need and don't need.

Regardless, please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Keep venting and communicating with us here. It doesn't matter how long it takes...we got your back here.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[So many questions]

I really appreciate everyone’s reply. I know there wasn’t much I could’ve done, and I would’ve only delayed the inevitable, I just can’t get it through my skull.

@LaRonge - I am in therapy and my T recommended I get on anti-depressants. I’ve never done that so I’m a bit nervous.

I was doing so much better for a brief moment. I was finding clarity and starting to make progress. And then something just stopped. The last 2 weeks have been a living hell.

I just don’t understand. How could it all be a fantasy? Most days were amazing, we did everything together. I was apart of her family. It couldn’t have just been idealization, we had been through so much. It only was bad when we went out and had drinks.

The cheating has stopped. The disappearing acts had dwindled. She even told her friends she wanted to marry me and change her lifestyle.

I just can’t accept it wasn’t real. But seeing has how quickly she moved on, maybe you’re all right. I don’t know. I’m just so sick of feeling this way. It’s relentless

[So many questions]

Hermetyko

I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I’m right there with you.

Be proud of yourself for leaving. A lot of us here couldn’t do the same. It is my biggest regret of them all.  Had I done what you did, my reputation would be intact, I wouldn’t have lost a bunch of friends or not be able to go some places where I live. I hate it.

I’d be in her good graces and I think it would be easier to move on, now that I’ve been replaced and it’s apparent she just needs relationships to function.

I beat myself up everyday for the day we broke up and how I acted. Earlier that day I asked if we needed to end things amicably, I said I didn’t want to and wanted to make things work but felt I lost her. Didn’t know about BPD but this triggered her fear of abandonment to the highest level.

8 hours later after we had drinks, she broke up with me out of nowhere. I was drunk and begged and pleaded and tried to stop her from leaving. And ruined everything.

I feel lost. Hopeless. She’s moved on and I don’t exist. 25 days no contact and it’s only gotten worse.

Take care of yourself. I’m not. But you seem much stronger than I

[drumdog4M]

My view is that it was "real." What you experienced was genuine, but it was not stable. And when relationships sour with pw-BPD, it is as if they were built on quicksand.

That doesn't make the pain any less acute, but it also does not negate the good (and bad) things you experienced. It was real while it lasted.

Alcohol really seems to be a common thread in some of the more serious emotional dysregulation and abusive behavior. It was also real that part of who she is is the person she is when drinking. And even if sober, it seems like drinking it a very common means of coping with their strong emotions.

I hope this helps. You're not alone, and your experiences are similar to my own.

[So many questions]

Thank you for saying that. It was real, I think she did love me - but had done too much destruction with her choices the first 10 months.

I think she thought I couldn’t truly love her after all of that. After seeing her at her absolute worst. But I did. I would’ve have always loved her no matter what.

So she had to confirm it. And my, did she try.

And yes. Drinking was always an issue. From the first time I saw her black out wasted I was very concerned. She had zero moderation. And once she blacked out, she could keep going as to where most would just fall asleep or get the spins.

We had more conversations and fights about it than you could imagine. You could tell by her eyes the second the drunk rage was boiling

[drumdog4M]

I know that look once she started drinking, if she wasn't in a positive frame of mind. I try to remind myself that the drunken rage and abuse was part of her too. I did and do love her inspire of that. But, when I am in wise mind, I realize that someone with that kind of relationship with alcohol is not someone that's safe for me to have built my life around anyway. She'd been to residential rehab at least twice too, perhaps more, but the events of her past always seem a bit vague. I think she was ashamed to admit some of it. The point being, even after pretty extensive treatment, she still abused alcohol when she was emotionally dysregulated.

I remember she told me that her ex-fiance used to have to restrain her to the bed to prevent her from going out binging. Of course, once I learned of that red flag, I was already head over heels, addicted to her, and believing that she had changed.

It was real -- all of it -- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

[NotAHero]

Thank you for saying that. It was real, I think she did love me - but had done too much destruction with her choices the first 10 months.

I think she thought I couldn’t truly love her after all of that. After seeing her at her absolute worst. But I did. I would’ve have always loved her no matter what.

So she had to confirm it. And my, did she try.

And yes. Drinking was always an issue. From the first time I saw her black out wasted I was very concerned. She had zero moderation. And once she blacked out, she could keep going as to where most would just fall asleep or get the spins.

We had more conversations and fights about it than you could imagine. You could tell by her eyes the second the drunk rage was boiling

 I don’t know if it makes a difference wether it was real or not.

 If it makes you feel any better BPD start hurting you when they “love you”. When you matter to them and they don’t want to lose you. In a way they love us so they leave …

[WhatToDo47]

I feel sorry for your experiences, I send you all good energy and strength. I connect so much to your words Loveiard, is as if you experienced my relationship. I have shame of the way I let him treat me this way. And the anxiety! then feeling guilty about that too. I find it so challenging to accept myself but at the same time I was in love, with poor boundaries and difficulty expressing my emotions. It's a moment to lick the wounds and see that everyday we don't spend with them is a day of mental peace.

This is so incredibly true. I remember so many days being so anxious about what might happen, what would set her off, how on earth I could calm her down this time. As soon as you begin to let go and work on yourself, and realize that sometimes a period of calm, even if you're alone, is better than being abused, you start to heal.

[WhatToDo47]

This is so incredibly true. I remember so many days being so anxious about what might happen, what would set her off, how on earth I could calm her down this time. As soon as you begin to let go and work on yourself, and realize that sometimes a period of calm, even if you're alone, is better than being abused, you start to heal.

Also, I think it's a very complex guilt that evolves over time. You feel guilty for not being able to "save" them, for letting yourself be treated like that, the guilt they make you feel through gaslighting/projection. It makes for quite the toxic mental stew that only therapy and/or hard work, honest self assessment, and learning about BPD can begin to detoxify haha

[Hermetyko]

So many questions,

I don’t think you could have done something else to save the relationship… I think whatever you would have done you would have gotten the same outcome.

It’s the same case to all of us… it’s about dating a bpd person and the way they love…this is not love… they are unable to create bonds…  they can’t help themselves it’s their nature.
Don’t be so stern with yourself you did more than you could have done… have a lot of compassion with yourself also… I know is easier to say than to do… because it happens the same to me, I’m working on it with my Ts.

I’m feeling lost… hopeless also, it’s been 1 month so far since NC started… and I was not able to apply it, I just went grey stone and after telling her she had bpd… she blocked me on social media… so I’m not that strong… I’ve been just lucky that she lives miles away from Spain… It must be much tougher living in the same place.

So many questions, all the bdp survivors say that no contact is the only way to get over it and move on… so we have to trust them, even if we don’t see the end of the tunnel yet… I have a friend of mine who is helping me a lot, he went through a rough break up with a narcissist…almost the same as ours…  and he made it through no contact… he says in 3 months of no contact and we will start to see the light… we have to trust.

I’m doing the basics… I’m surrounding myself with people who love me and cares… family… friends… sleep well… eat well… meditation… therapy… I think it will help you too.

We will get over it So many questions… I know we will… stay strong, stay positive.

Take a lot of care of yourself. Big hug from Spain

[WhatToDo47]

For some reason I just got notified of this post and realized it's been almost 3 months since the last post where you talk about it getting better after 3 months of NC. Hope you're all doing well!