Caring vs Codependency vs No Contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All - I have learned so much reading your posts and comments. I would appreciate guidance, and I am only mentioning the essentials: I was in a two year relationship until about six Mos ago with a younger girl that started off wonderfully. I am a professional, i don’t chase girls,, I don’t drink at all, etc. But I am Divorced from a covert narcissist ( 15 years), which is like a tumor. And we have split custody of two teens. My GF has a clean slate except she sees a local therapist for “anxiety” (she has divorced parents, and a very very abusive father - I witnessed his abuse, although I didn’t learn much about her childhood. My biggest concern about her was that I found it very hard to get her to talk, open up). I am also the target of parental alienation, and at the same time I started dating this girl I was also in court and counseling trying work with my kids, which is like trying to carry dry sand in one hand. As of now they are almost completely alienated, which is awful on its own and another story. So I I wasn’t as focused on her as she wanted, to paraphrase. Some would say she idealized me, but then she became unreasonable, wouldn’t open up and talk, push-pull stuff, started  stalking me, panicked if I didn’t respond to her messages fast enough, she even cut herself, etc. i was truly scared for her (and me!) but eventually we faded out and she moved on with another guy. Yes monkey branching….Then two Mos ago I reached out and we met up, had several days of real joy, and very very open and honest conversations (which I was so encouraged by) and we entertained giving it another try. I was truly excited about it and felt a whole new chapter beginning - I can still feel that energy as I type this…. Then overnight she discarded and ghosted, which has been devastating. When I started learning about all this I simply fell apart, I feel so awful realizing she has untreated BPD and yes I know it’s codependent as hell but I am so  full of guilt  for not realizing what was going on sooner and helping her in the right way. Yes yes I know… codependent. Broken heart, confused, and all that - yes! I know it’s over, And I know all of BPDs tragic fallout, and it’s affected me deeply. But I also how I feel about her, whatever wrongs she has done. My question to the collective wisdom out there is -should I discretely and anonymously try to help her? Contact her therapist in confidence, that kinda thing. I don’t think she is at risk to harm herself (I saw her jogging a week ago and she looked at me like she wanted to throw me out of a plane), but I care about her very much and she needs help. I know she is not my responsibility but there must be a non-codependent and supportive, anonymous way to do something to help her (besides contact her directly). Thx

[CaptnOmen12]

Hi All - I have learned so much reading your posts and comments. I would appreciate guidance, and I am only mentioning the essentials: I was in a two year relationship until about six Mos ago with a younger girl that started off wonderfully. I am a professional, i don’t chase girls,, I don’t drink at all, etc. But I am Divorced from a covert narcissist ( 15 years), which is like a tumor. And we have split custody of two teens. My GF has a clean slate except she sees a local therapist for “anxiety” (she has divorced parents, and a very very abusive father - I witnessed his abuse, although I didn’t learn much about her childhood. My biggest concern about her was that I found it very hard to get her to talk, open up). I am also the target of parental alienation, and at the same time I started dating this girl I was also in court and counseling trying work with my kids, which is like trying to carry dry sand in one hand. As of now they are almost completely alienated, which is awful on its own and another story. So I I wasn’t as focused on her as she wanted, to paraphrase. Some would say she idealized me, but then she became unreasonable, wouldn’t open up and talk, push-pull stuff, started  stalking me, panicked if I didn’t respond to her messages fast enough, she even cut herself, etc. i was truly scared for her (and me!) but eventually we faded out and she moved on with another guy. Yes monkey branching….Then two Mos ago I reached out and we met up, had several days of real joy, and very very open and honest conversations (which I was so encouraged by) and we entertained giving it another try. I was truly excited about it and felt a whole new chapter beginning - I can still feel that energy as I type this…. Then overnight she discarded and ghosted, which has been devastating. When I started learning about all this I simply fell apart, I feel so awful realizing she has untreated BPD and yes I know it’s codependent as hell but I am so  full of guilt  for not realizing what was going on sooner and helping her in the right way. Yes yes I know… codependent. Broken heart, confused, and all that - yes! I know it’s over, And I know all of BPDs tragic fallout, and it’s affected me deeply. But I also how I feel about her, whatever wrongs she has done. My question to the collective wisdom out there is -should I discretely and anonymously try to help her? Contact her therapist in confidence, that kinda thing. I don’t think she is at risk to harm herself (I saw her jogging a week ago and she looked at me like she wanted to throw me out of a plane), but I care about her very much and she needs help. I know she is not my responsibility but there must be a non-codependent and supportive, anonymous way to do something to help her (besides contact her directly). Thx

[Turkish]

CaptnOmen12,

You're going through a lot that sounds emotionally tough, and I'm especially sorry about your kids being alienated. It sounds like an additional punch to a ghosted by your gf, especially after hope. It's there no avenue to reconnect?

Her therapist is likely bound by confidentiality. This is tough even among family members.

[Tobiasfunke]

Yup.
all that sucks.
I’d say keep it moving.
You have bigger fish to fry with the kids and Ex and what not.
She’s got to fix herself. She will Ef you up no matter how good you are trying to be to her. It’s not your fight.

[babyducks]

  I know she is not my responsibility but there must be a non-codependent and supportive, anonymous way to do something to help her (besides contact her directly). Thx

It seems that often the unstated feeling we all share is 'hey - I know what's wrong with you, and I can help you fix it'.    and then we don't understand why that doesn't go over well.

Nobody,  Nobody likes to be told there is something wrong with them.    People who have the traits of a mental illness that generates enormous amounts of shame and blame like it even less.   I can't say I've read any stories here where 'helping' has worked out.

what I've seen and experienced is this typically backfires in huge ways.

Either,   'so you do admit it is all your fault and you are responsible for me, now I need you to do XYZ'.

or 'none of this is true of ME, its you that has this problem'.  and a smear campaign launches as she tries to offload shame and blame.

-should I discretely and anonymously try to help her? Contact her therapist in confidence, that kinda thing.

this is a huge breach of her boundaries, and autonomy.   and as Turkish mentioned her therapist is restricted by professional confidentiality.

She hasn't requested any help from you, correct?   as much as it may sound counter intuitive the best help you could provide is allowing her to take charge of her own life and work at her own pace to better it.

I think we sometimes have to be careful about 'helping some one else' in order to make ourselves feel better.

'ducks

[Riv3rW0lf]

My question to the collective wisdom out there is -should I discretely and anonymously try to help her? Contact her therapist in confidence, that kinda thing. I don’t think she is at risk to harm herself (I saw her jogging a week ago and she looked at me like she wanted to throw me out of a plane), but I care about her very much and she needs help. I know she is not my responsibility but there must be a non-codependent and supportive, anonymous way to do something to help her (besides contact her directly). Thx

I understand that you are well intentioned, but borderline or not, this is a huge breach of privacy and boundaries.

Is it possible part of you is keeping your focus on her so you don't have to deal with something else, within? Wanting to help her, seeing her vulnerability... From your story, I feel there is a lot going on inside you that needs attending too... Why not focus on yourself? On your own self-compassion?

And I am not saying this out of a place of judgment...I saw my father do the same. Jumping from unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship, trying to save those women...he burnt himself and while focussing on those women : he forgot himself and for lost. Took him some time to finally look within, and since then, he is doing a lot better...

Are you seeing a therapist yourself? Working on those codependent traits?

[Tibbles]

You've got so much going on From where I sit - You've got to help yourself before you can help anyone else. Like on the plane - put your oxygen mask on before you help anyone else. Trying to help her will only further drain and exhaust you. Time to focus on what you can control and that is your life, not hers. She hasn't asked for your help and you know what they say about unsolicited advice! Those with BPD are so hard to help, after all the problem is with others, not them, how can you respond helpfully to that?

I realise you are coming from a really good caring place trying to support some one you care about sometimes you just have to let others go on their own journey while you go on yours. It is hard and it sucks, but that is the way it is sometimes, especially when BPD is involved.

[CaptnOmen12]

Thank you I appreciate the feedback and I’ll most likely lean on that as opposed to where my own best intentions might take me - point(s) noted. I should have mentioned  - I’m a medical professional, so I live with those confidentiality and privacy issues daily. I would have contacted her therapist and addressed my concerns anonymously or at least very discreetly so the therapist wouldn’t feel cornered or positioned. I would hope she (therapist) already knows about the BPD in my Ex but maybe not that it’s so severe or intense. And also, I’ve been spending a lot of time sweeping my side of the street regarding myself and my kids. Funny - three weeks ago I was watching “Get your Ex Back” videos and now I’m a codependent/counter-dependent with freeze/fawn/fight patterns and avoidant traits and….so yah I’m working on me. Again - Point(s) taken and much appreciated. The realization that I married a NPD and “fell in love” with a BPD is what opened my eyes to my s s s s s stuff. I better get my fish checked, he’s probably passive aggressive. I see so many people struggling with the blowback and fallout of BPD, and it’s still so difficult for me to get through the day without stalling out and sliding into a dark place, but I’m learning about the dismal chances of actually helping her, even from
the shadows.