Hello all,
Firstly, I am so grateful for this forum and all it's participants/contributions, as this has been very helpful wrapping my head around my first relationship with a BPD partner.
I have only recently discovered & learned about BPD post the break up.
I struggle with anxiety & am not comfortable with attempting to gain closure from my ex. I would genuinely appreciate any thoughts, sentiments, or advisement on my situation:
I have broken up with my (untreated/undiagnosed) BPD exBF a month ago.
The length of our official/committed relationship was 6 months.
Since meeting each, other my ex has treated me very well (during casual dating & exclusive stage). Was a great listener (remembers many small details!), was very generous spending money on me (gifts, dates, travel plans, general financial support), has Emotionally supported me through one of the toughest times in my life (harassment at my previous job, going back to grad school, finding temporary legal council - per harassment issue).
We've spent a lot of time together per his request, sex life was great (he'd comment often on how happy he is & is there anything he can do to make it better for me - I dont usually "O" but I was content so I had no feedback to give). He has encourage communication between me & his mother (we were on a text/talk basis but havnt met yet) & I was suppose to attend his brothers wedding in 2 months, he had be preemptively shopping for a dress for me.
Our relationship seemed perfect on paper, he would stop and do virtually anything that I asked at a drop of a dime for me. I would like to think I was in the idealization stage the majority of the 6 months, any bit of devaluation he must have concealed very very well. I didnt notice anything off until 5 months in, i decided to do a causal temperature check on our relationship (which is something he asked me to do since this was his 2nd serious relationship & he "needs help initiating those conversations"). When i opened up the floor, he timidly confessed to having a crush on a family friend (who lived on the other side of the country). He sheepishly explained they met through a family member 3 months into our relationship during a brief travel experience for a friend's wedding (i was already aware of the trip, but not the crush). I explained, if nothing happened & its just a silly crush then its not a big deal, people have attractions, I had crush on my teacher, no biggie. He confirmed that it was nothing/nothing happened & that he was so grateful to be able to talk about this. He even cried, said he felt better, told me that hes in love with me & has been for a while (this is new information to me). I consoled him & we moved on.
Approaching 6 months in, we had plans to attend a 3-day festival located in our city. I had planned to attend fri & sun, he planned to attend just sun due to "late work hours & wanting time with two guy friends" on friday. I attended friday with a friend, we had a blast, took loads of pics/vids & had a really good time. When i returned home, I called to let him know, he picked up right away excited to hear from me & how it went. Briefed him on the experience, and I expressed that I'm going to need Saturday to myself, to rest & recoup before sunday (meaning no hanging out). He was fine, totally understood, said goodnight. The next day (sat) I posted images from the festival to my social media, he called me about an hour after asking to hear about the whole experience again (I was confused but complied), afterwards he insisted on coming over to spend the night with me even though he knows I asked for space. Again, I complied because what-the-hay, hes my BF, he came over later, before we started watching a movie he wanted to talk about something.. He started by saying the girl he casually dated before me reached out for a closure conversation 2 weeks ago, he hadnt spoken to her in over a year and felt "he owed her the closure convo that they never had". Said they just met at a restaurant, then he returned home alone. He wanted to talk because he feels "confused" & "guilty" about possibly "having feelings for two people at the same time". I was very somber but still calm, I hadnt finished asking the questions I wanted to ask before his cell phone started ringing, it was the crush from across the country calling. I instantly became upset/angry, asked why she was calling & to show me text messages, he refused to show the messages, said she was probably in town to see a show, he claimed he offered to take her out to coffee if she ever was in town. I was LIVID, I broke up with him right then & there, told him to leave now/i dont want to be with you/get out. He was crying, pleading, apologizing, "I just want to talk, please I just want to talk". He refused to leave, I had to physically push him out the door with his overnight bag, basically kicked him out after trying for 15 mins.
In an attempt to get my things from his place 2 days later, I caught him walking home with another girl. I approached them, he tried his best to separate us but he was mostly pitiful/hanging his head in shame. I was able to talk cordially with the girl (thank god she was a nice person). She confirmed that they kissed during the trip he took & she flew into our state Friday to which they ended up sleeping together.. so there it is, he cheated.
I asked to get my items from his place, she left, my ex & I went upstairs, he was detached/spiraling/apologizing & trying to say anything to salvage the situation. I was cold, angry & hurled a slur of hurtful words at him (shockingly he didnt return the favor).
His explanation: "I was thinking about marriage with you but wanted to try this connection with this other person to be sure". "Shes not you. I could barely get it up"(an erection). "I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, I cant believe this is happening". It was like he was in shock/crying/short-circuiting. After all the time I spent cultivating an honest & understanding space for him to communicate, I was so beyond seeing red that it went this far. There was nothing he could say or do to repair this. I even smacked him in the face after realizing he tried to come over & sleep with me within 24hrs of cheating on me. I took my things & left. Blocked him on everything.
The next day I messaged the crush online, she had been trying to get in contact with me but couldnt find me after I blocked him. Unveiling his the web of lies, she explained after meeting during the trip 3 months in, he invited her to fly herself into town but did not explicitly offer her to stay with him at his place. He expressed his availability was fri & sat but not sunday. After sleeping together, he told her on saturday that he "needed to attend a birthday party on the other side of town & that he was not returning home". She was bummed because she came all this way for him. Later Sat night (after I broke up with him) he called her to come over, & that he seemed sad, she "stupidly" came over (her words), stayed the night etc..the following day is when I caught them & all the dirty laundry aired out...I must say, the crush was very down to earth to be so communicative with me, says I am beautiful, we can both shake it off & there is a guy out there for both of us <3
This is the message he wrote her: "{crush name} I made the biggest mistake of my life, I felt things for you and told my ex about those feelings, but I didnt have the courage to officially end things with her like I should've until Saturday. I'm a coward. Its all my fault and I know that. No apology will ever be enough. I shouldve been honest with you from the start. I'm pathetic and need help, and I know I dont deserve to see or talk to you again. I'll never forgive myself for wasting your time and for not being honest. I'm sorry for everything. I dont deserve to ever associate with someone like you."
The email he sent me: "{my name} I know I hurt you beyond words. Its something that I deserve to sit with for the rest of my life. Im ashamed and disturbed at the person I've become. I let fear, doubts and insecurities about myself control me, only for me to realize everything that I already had with you was exactly what I was looking for. I destroyed everything, including losing the realest, most authentic person I know and love. I know I dont deserve you and I know you're now free of my toxicity and destruction. I wont waste or poison any more of you or your family's time and energy. I know I'm not a good person and that I desperately need to face myself. I'm sorry forever, for everything."
I blocked his email after receiving this. Its been 1 month post break up and I've received 2 "unknown" calls & one of his best friends watches my every move on social media.
Symptoms that appeared throughout the relationship included:
- addictions such as gambling, coffee, occasional hard drug use, social media & his phone in general
- mood swings, like unexpectedly getting emotional or crying
- deep insecurities over physical appearance, had two rhinoplasties, calorie counts, compulsively does random floor exercises, says multiple times while in public "everyone is probably wondering how that piece of sh*t ended up with a girl like her" (and variations of this)
- tried very hard to "fit in" during social gatherings
If you made it this far reading, youre a trooper & thank you for your time.
This has been easily the most confusing relationship I've every experienced & as much as I love closure, I cannot trust a single word he says, as he is clearly a compulsive liar & a manipulator to get his needs met. I find myself re-analyzing every convo & it triggers my anxiety not being able to know what was real & what wasn't. This has also severely triggered my body/facial dysmorphia in ways that have me on edge, feeling depressed, like i am not good looking enough to be a healthy partner for him to want to do better (or at least not hurt me in secrecy). If we ended things before the cheating, I would have enjoyed being his friend & between all of our safe-space conversations, he had multiple opportunities to do this but chose to cheat instead. I am relieved this relationship is over, I am now trying my best not to let this assassinate my self-esteem. I also worry that he will pop-up at my door one day.
From anyone out there thats willing to give their two-cents or any potential clarity on this, I would really appreciate it. Much love & light to you all, and thank you again for your time <3
