Enmeshed?

[Dave44]

Can someone please explain this term? On the leaving board it's quite often mentioned as one of the factors that makes the break up so hard. It's made out to sound as though enmeshed is unhealthy in a relationship. From my understanding it means spending a lot or all your time together... . well yea, it's a relationship? So maybe I'm not quite understanding the term correctly. Would appreciate some clarification.

[seeking balance]

Enmeshment is more than just spending time together, it is blurring the boundaries between "me & you" and is typically learned in childhood from our family of origin as ok rather than learning clear boundaries.  The nature of BPD makes enmeshment almost inevitable.

From an outside article, here are some signs:

1. Your partner monopolizes your time. It's natural to spend a lot of time with a new love interest in the first three to six months of dating. But if the six-month mark has passed and your friends are referring to you as that girl or guy they used to hang out with, it's time to reevaluate how you spend your time. It's not healthy for your whole social life to revolve around one person.

2. Your beliefs have changed since you started dating. Sometimes new people introduce us to ways of looking at the world that we never considered. But if you've done a 180 from your former perspective on religion, politics, or some other core belief, check whether it's because you're really convinced of your new viewpoint or because you want to believe and support what your partner says. Here's a test: If you broke up with your sweetheart, would you still attend his or her yoga class/Sunday school/Young Republicans rally/Alien Abductees Anonymous, etc.? If not, maybe you shouldn't be attending in the first place.

3. Your interests have changed since you started dating. As with your beliefs, your interests may be broadened by someone new in your life. Maybe you never knew you liked blindfolded pogo sticking until you tried it. But does it seem like you're now spending all your time pogo sticking and none doing the things you used to like before you started dating the world champion pogo sticker? If you answered yes, it's time to ditch the pogo stick.

4. You look different since you started dating. Your friends tap you on the shoulder, then giggle with embarrassment when your significant other turns around. In your matching outfits, with your coordinated haircuts, they can't tell you apart. You've morphed into Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. The same test applies: If you wouldn't be wearing that propeller beanie if Tweedle Dee wasn't, you need to dig deep into your closet and start wearing your own clothes again.

5. You never disagree with your partner. Do you find yourself biting your tongue every time the love of your life spouts an opinion that doesn't sit right with you? Do you rationalize his or her points even when they don't add up? If you can't agree to disagree with your partner, maybe you're too preoccupied with maintaining an illusion of unity.

6. He or she is the barometer of your emotions. If your boyfriend or girlfriend has had a bad day, it's natural to have sympathy pangs. But if you hurtle into the depths of despair every time he or she is in a bad mood, be careful. You shouldn't have to act out someone else's passion play.

7. The two of you make statements to each other like "I'd die without you" or "if I didn't have you, I'd have nothing." Statements like this aren't evidence of love. They're evidence of enmeshment.

[Dave44]

Thanks for the explanation.

Hmmm... . while I can see a couple of unhealthy examples there, all in all nothing really sticks out all that much. If anything - that's a relationship. If it were a friendship, ya ok I could see all that applying. But for example, I would way rather sit and watch a movie/TV or go for a coffee on a Friday night than go to the pub with "the boys" for a beer. WAY rather. Weather it's at 6 months or 6 years of the relationship. As for the interests. It would interest me to take an interest in my partners interests. Would I necessarily be interested in them if I wasn't with her? No probably not, but that's what being in a relationship is all about. It's enjoyable to enjoy things your partner likes. I dunno, maybe I'm just different. Of maybe I'm just unhealthy.

[paperlung]

My ex was extremely clingy/needy and she even admitted to me so. It didn't help that she had no life of her own; she didn't go to school, didn't have a job, no friends, agoraphobic... . I was her whole entire life, basically. I spent almost every day with her. She'd guilt trip me into coming over at late hours during the week after I got off work so I could deliver her, made me miss classes because she was feeling anxious and needed me to comfort her. My family even commented that I was never around the house anymore, I wasn't. I couldn't even eat a meal with my family without her saying, "What about me? What am I going to eat? You don't care about me." It was so mentally draining having to fulfill her needs all the time that.

[paperlung]

*deliver her food

[SarahinMA]

I think a relationship is healthy when both people still maintain their own sense of self, identity, lives, etc.  It's important to share some common interests, but not everything.  

When my ex and I started dating, he started doing everything that I did (sports, activities, etc.).  He made it seem like he loved those activities too, but i found out later that he was just mirroring me.  It got to the point where we spent all our time together and even when we weren't together, we'd talk all the time.  He became like an unhealthy drug for me- he would seem hurt if I chose not to hang out with him one night and I felt hurt if he didn't hang out with me.  Totally toxic.