Effecting my Relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have a bit of a problem here.

My ex BPD gf and I have been broken up for a good 4 months and I've been slowly healing everyday. Seeing her with her new bf after 2 months into our break up felt like death itself for me, but now it's gotten to the point where I think about him and her and it doesn't feel like the air is being sucked out of me. It just feels like disappointment that it didn't work between us.

We both have recycled so many times together, but never to the point where she found someone else. This is also the longest we've been broken up, and she doesn't seem to contact me regarding us, but only about our S2. We still kind of argue about things regarding him, but her control over the situation with him is slowly lessening.

I have had a new gf for about a month now, and she's the exact opposite of my exBPDgf. She's kind, caring, independent. The problem I'm having is that she's starting to get scared that I might recycle if my ex comes back. The reason she thinks that is because we were in her car yesterday and we were talking about my ex. I had said, "I'm not really sure what I'd say or do if she came knocking at my door". However, it's getting to the point where we both are developing strong feelings towards each other, and I know she wants to be there for me. She says it's hard for her to hear this stuff, but she is always here for me.

I'm not sure if I should take a couple months away from her and try to get to the point where I can say, "If she came crawling back to me now, I would tell her she had her chance and that we are permanently over". Or whether to just say to my gf that I will get through this because I'm taking anti-depressants, therapy, this website, etc.

Any ideas how I can approach this without losing the current gf that I really care for and love?

[Sputmonkey]

I have a bit of a problem here.

My ex BPD gf and I have been broken up for a good 4 months and I've been slowly healing everyday. Seeing her with her new bf after 2 months into our break up felt like death itself for me, but now it's gotten to the point where I think about him and her and it doesn't feel like the air is being sucked out of me. It just feels like disappointment that it didn't work between us.

We both have recycled so many times together, but never to the point where she found someone else. This is also the longest we've been broken up, and she doesn't seem to contact me regarding us, but only about our S2. We still kind of argue about things regarding him, but her control over the situation with him is slowly lessening.

I have had a new gf for about a month now, and she's the exact opposite of my exBPDgf. She's kind, caring, independent. The problem I'm having is that she's starting to get scared that I might recycle if my ex comes back. The reason she thinks that is because we were in her car yesterday and we were talking about my ex. I had said, "I'm not really sure what I'd say or do if she came knocking at my door". However, it's getting to the point where we both are developing strong feelings towards each other, and I know she wants to be there for me. She says it's hard for her to hear this stuff, but she is always here for me.

I'm not sure if I should take a couple months away from her and try to get to the point where I can say, "If she came crawling back to me now, I would tell her she had her chance and that we are permanently over". Or whether to just say to my gf that I will get through this because I'm taking anti-depressants, therapy, this website, etc.

Any ideas how I can approach this without losing the current gf that I really care for and love?

[Ventus2ct]

Difficult one, you have to make the choice, you could end up hurting your current ex over the chance of a recycle. I have and will stay away from getting involved with anyone for the time being, because I simply am not "over" my ex and like you wouldn't know what to do (well, I would be very tempted)

I think when you are in a position of strength when your ex doesn't matter anymore then maybe it would be time to embark on another relationship.

I guess it doesn't help your situation currently. But life is short, no time like the present or so they say!

All you can be, is honest with her that it is a possibility you'll drop her and go back to your ex. I don't envy you.

[Sputmonkey]

Ventus2ct

I completely agree and have been completely honest with her about what I might do because of how I am right now. I told her that I'm still healing over this and she accepts that. I don't want to hurt her, but I still fear myself to some degree. I'm not a cheater, and I have never cheated. I don't like the idea of it.

AHHH. It's like an evil someone is inside of me with a tempting voice saying, "just get back with her when she comes back!" But on the other hand, I know I'm falling for this girl now.

Love sucks!

[Ventus2ct]

You maybe lucky and she "never" comes back!

I feel that about mine, she will never come back but somewhere in some remote corner of my mind I hope, and that is a signal to me that I am currently unavailable to have a relationship with anyone else. Sure I go out for supper and spend time with a couple of girls but they know the exact score, the total truth about my situation, and to be honest they are lovely and a breath of fresh air but they are "normal" and don't grab my attention like my ex did.

Maybe this is the way to get involved with someone, the slow burn as opposed to the passionate impulsive mind blowing fake union that was my ex?

I don't know, still learning at 43 years old!

[Sputmonkey]

You would think that the "mind blowing" would be so real rather than fake with that person. I guess I'll try and shoot through the pain and hope that my exBPDgf doesn't come crawling back for a couple months. Or ever in that sense.

[Ventus2ct]

You would think that the "mind blowing" would be so real rather than fake with that person. I guess I'll try and shoot through the pain and hope that my exBPDgf doesn't come crawling back for a couple months. Or ever in that sense.

I thought it was, it may have been real, I just don't know at this moment in time, it was an amazing experience, that I can say!

Well, I hope it works out for you.

[drv3006]

Sounds like triangulating to me.  This is what scares me folks.  Ending up dong what they do.    I hope you aren't telling this girl how crazy your ex is, all the while thinking about how you could recycle with your ex.  Sound familiar?.  All of this sometimes just sound like we all do the same thing.   Don't get me wrong.  I am not trying to point a finger, but i feel like sometimes I do to my ex what he has done to me.  One time my ex said to me.  "Well you do it intentially to prove a point (which was true, trying to prove how stupid he was so I did the same thing to watch it upset him) and you know exactly what you are doing, and I kinda just do it on impulse and then feel crappy later."   This entire personality disorder has done nothing but place under a microscope everyone else and my own personality.  Frankly, it kinda is making me feel like I am the crazy one.   Just don't blame the loss of this nice girl on BPDex.  Everyone, us and them need time to heal.   Sorry if I said anything inappropriate   

[Sputmonkey]

drv3006

My current gf is very aware of the situation and what is going on. I tell her exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking. I told her that I don't know what I'd do if my exBPDgf came crawling back (which is true. I am very uncertain). I do not blame my current gf for my insecurities. My problems are mine, and mine alone. I do tell my current gf I think my ex is crazy and that she'll never have a normal, healthy stable relationship with another man. I also feel like I say these things to try and make myself feel better for the life my ex threw away for another guy. It will bite her in the butt, and when it does I'll be ready for that knock on my door. If a recycle ever did happen (which I hope it doesn't) I would never blame my ex for the loss of my current gf. It would be fault and me to blame for being insane. Expecting different results after the millionth time! .

All in all, I'm falling in love with my current gf, and the desire to try and contact my ex about how she's doing, what she's doing is no longer there. Do I think about it from time to time? Sure I do. Although, acting on it is a different story, and I no longer have those urges anymore. I don't want to screw it up with my current gf, and that's why I feel so confused. Because I don't want the same thing happening again with the ex while I'm building something great with the current gf.

[shellsh0cked]

I have a bit of a problem here.

My ex BPD gf and I have been broken up for a good 4 months and I've been slowly healing everyday. Seeing her with her new bf after 2 months into our break up felt like death itself for me, but now it's gotten to the point where I think about him and her and it doesn't feel like the air is being sucked out of me. It just feels like disappointment that it didn't work between us.

We both have recycled so many times together, but never to the point where she found someone else. This is also the longest we've been broken up, and she doesn't seem to contact me regarding us, but only about our S2. We still kind of argue about things regarding him, but her control over the situation with him is slowly lessening.

I have had a new gf for about a month now, and she's the exact opposite of my exBPDgf. She's kind, caring, independent. The problem I'm having is that she's starting to get scared that I might recycle if my ex comes back. The reason she thinks that is because we were in her car yesterday and we were talking about my ex. I had said, "I'm not really sure what I'd say or do if she came knocking at my door". However, it's getting to the point where we both are developing strong feelings towards each other, and I know she wants to be there for me. She says it's hard for her to hear this stuff, but she is always here for me.

I'm not sure if I should take a couple months away from her and try to get to the point where I can say, "If she came crawling back to me now, I would tell her she had her chance and that we are permanently over". Or whether to just say to my gf that I will get through this because I'm taking anti-depressants, therapy, this website, etc.

Any ideas how I can approach this without losing the current gf that I really care for and love?

I was kinda here too man... .I was still struggling a lot with this when I started seeing my current girlfriend.  It cost me several other relationships that could have been good too because of the trauma of this.  Remember this too... .you're on this forum because she was abusive to you... .and you're scarred from it.   I was... .still am in some ways, but I can manage it now.  :)on't go back to abusers... .I think they say on this forum that it "opens doors for very bad things to happen".  My last recycle?  My brain was SCREAMING at me to not go back to her... .but I didn't listen.  Her insecurity and wild accusations came to head when she came to my house with knives to do me in... .and while she was waiting on me did $4000 worth of damage to my vehicle.  She spent the weekend in jail too and had lots of legal problems over this.  Remember going back in that each time will be WORSE... .not better.  "very bad things"... .

Recycle for me I would say would be next to impossible... .Because two years down the road I know now what I have to put up with and what I don't.  I'd rather be alone than be with M... .No one... .and I mean NO ONE will ever do that to me again.

My current girlfriend and I get along just fine.  Sure we don't get along 100% of the time, but at least our arguments are productive... .they have SUBSTANCE... .and VALUE!  Not some ridiculous made up craziness!  We always apologize afterwards.  I love her.  Remember this with your current girlfriend, and don't let that old b___ mess it up because she will NEVER make you happy.  

Good luck bro.

[Sputmonkey]

shellsh0cked 


I hear ya man. My ex hasn't done anything that far out, but she has done some pretty unbelievable things. I thought I had it in for the worst. But yea, I find it a little hard to not compare my current gf to my ex. It's definitely something I have to try and work on if I want to make this one count and last. She is a great woman, and she doesn't deserve to be punished for the negative emotions I have towards my ex.