Seeking support regarding my (ex)BPD SO

[gaav]

Hello folks.

Hope you all beautiful beings are feeling great.

I've been doing a lot of research regarding BPD lately and I stumbled upon this forum. It seems to be quite active and I'm writing here in hope of getting some support, reassurance and perhaps guidance.

A little backstory, though I don't know if it's necessary.

I've met this amazing girl 3 months ago. We crossed our eyes in a train, smiled. When we got off the train, she walked to me, started the conversation. It got going, got her number. We've been texting each other, met one time. I fell in love in her from the first sight, though I may be a bit naive in that. I was either extremely lucky or I tend to fall in love too quickly.

This is an important information though - I've broken up with my girlfriend of for years to be with this girl. The 4 years girl - I've never truly loved her, it was a dead relationship without my full commitment. I could say I was rescued.

Fast forward sometime, we've been dating, I was having what I could call the best period of my life. I was going out of my character for this girl, doing things I would never suspect myself of being capable. It seemed she felt the same way. She was frank with me from the beginning, and admitted she had (diagnosed) borderline. I thought ok, read a bit about the topic, but it seemed that it's not as bad as everyone portrays it. And I'm an aspie myself, so it felt very exciting to be with someone with issues, though we could work together on reaching something, and I was very understanding of everything and supportive (I SUPPOSE). The girl appeared even more significant for me.

I've been extremely frank and honest with her, not hiding ANYTHING, saying what I feel. She told me she loved me pretty early in the relationship, didn't think much of that, I was actually very happy she felt the same way!

There were some episodes where she would shut her off, run away from my place (e.g. I fell asleep once when she was with me, woke up - she's not here, iirc she called me an egoist for that). Didn't think much of it - my fault, should've tried to stay awake, right?

Anyway, we've been in love, we've been in heaven, feeling amazing. And there comes valentine's day. She calls me a week before, tells me "it's not what she was looking for" and breaks up with me, over the phone. We did meet few days later, there was a lot of drama, she wanted a definite end, but somehow I came through (I stayed in her school like 2-3 hours waiting for her to come back from exam results, we talked. later that day she texted me to come over to her place, everything was fine after that). Then comes the day before the valentine's day. My exgf asked me if I wanted to grab a beer, and as we left on good terms, I had nothing against it. However I asked my current gf (she was staying at her parents home, in another city at that time) if she had anything against it and how she feels about it - result? She broke up with me.


Next day, being very desperate, I've been texting her A LOT on the 13th and 14th, she wouldn't answer anything. I knew that she was at home in our mutual city at that point, so I decided to pay her a visit. That didn't go very well, in a way I forced myself (practically begged her to let me in), she wanted to throw me out. I wanted to go out, but couldn't - I just couldn't leave "love of my life" just like that. She suddenly changed her attitude, and was alright with me, being happy and smiley again. Like nothing ever happened.

We've had period of incredible happiness again. Then comes 28th. One of the worst days in my life, it left me very devastated.

We were supposed to meet at my place, I texted her, she didn't reply. Then suddenly a knock on my door - she's here! She jumps at me, hugging, kissing etc. She wanted to have sex badly, but here's a problem - I couldn't get it up (I think this is an important fact, normally I wouldn't talk so openly about it, but it may have contributed to what happened next).

I apologized, told her why it happened (some $#%^ in my head, totally irrelevant to her). She seemed fine and understanding. We drank quite much of vodka and a beer. I got smashed, fell asleep. She did too. I was happy and content.

Suddenly - there is some commotion. She started packing, leaving! What the hell? She did tell me what it was about. Supposedly, I said ":)o you love me <myexgfname>?" I have absolutely no recollection of saying it, it might've been subconsciously, or in a dream. She claimed I still loved here, that there is no place for her in my heart and that I haven't been truthful about certain things (on the contrary, I've tried to be as honest as possible about everything). I have NEVER loved that girl in the first place! And the SO was all that I had on mind all the time, in my heart. She was all I wanted, needed. She wouldn't believe me a word I said.

There was no discussion, she ran away in anger, crying, not talking with me, telling to let her go, to leave her alone. I tried to hold her in her hands, to try to calm her down. Maybe I've been to forceful with it, maybe I should've given her more space. It's just difficult for me to let go of happiness.

Since that day, I've texted her a bit. No response. She did write one message on Wednesday though - saying that I choose what I wanted, that there's nothing to talk about and that I should try to understand the hurt one, the victim (her). After that, no response.

I asked her to meet up yesterday, she didn't answer, but she did come to the place where I was waiting. She looked very sad and devastated, but wouldn't talk to me. Well, we exchanged few words, but it wasn't really a discussion. She questioned why did she even come there (I told her - because you wanted to. you didn't have to, and you still did).

The moment I said "I know you have trust issues with me" everything went to hell. She started packing and running away. Again. She said I was trying to blame everything on what she has told me (she did tell me she have problems trusting people, and often that she though I wasn't honest with her. And that's what I told her, but she took it as if I'm trying to blame it on her BPD, trying to shift focus from me "cheating on her" to her problems).

And there was no discussion over what I said the other night - what I said subconsciously is what I really believe, especially since I was drunk. If you're drunk, then you're honest. That's what I heard from her.


I love this girl very much, I never expected it to be easy, I knew SOME of the problems that accompany BPD, and what she told me about it. I wasn't prepared, not as much as I though.

I felt very devastated for the past week, but I came to terms with it. What keeps me up is what I read about different people who experienced similar situation, or who experience BPD themselves.

I want to believe that it's not entirely my fault and there wasn't much I could've done (I'm not saying there wasn't, I'd like to believe that).

I know she loves me to. The fact she came there. Whether what she told me was true or not is another question. But considering she is SO jealous of my exgf, I like to think it proves her feelings for me. She even talked to me about engagement and we did sort of fake engagement with a ring from a bottle. Maybe that have been too much?


What I'd like to know is - what next? I know that it might be one hell of a roller coaster with her, but I like it. I'm a little messed up myself, so I wouldn't want something very "normal".

All you folks over here - what you think? Is there possibility of us getting back together? If yes, how much does it take for pwBPD to "come around," will she reach out to me? Should I be expecting her to randomly pop up in my life again, or perhaps try fighting for her in a way? I don't know how to go about it, and there isn't consistency on how to deal with such situations. Should I try reaching out to her? In a week? A month? What has been your with situations like that?

I don't want to hear "run away she will ruin your life" - I've seen it in so many places, read so many times. I know it's one of the options. I don't care though, I may be not quite sane and sober thinking right now, but it is what it is.

I wand to help both of us. I'll gladly answer any questions, and looking forward to what you have to say.

I might have been wrong, I might have done some mistakes, but I sincerely want to work on them. If not for the sake of this relationship, I'd like the help for any future people I might encounter, maybe I will help some poor BPD soul and give her what she deserves, even if she doesn't believe it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi gaav,

It sounds like you love her a lot, and are willing to work things out. If she shared with you that she is BPD, I wonder if she has been in treatment?

People with BPD have a hard time accepting that opposite things can both be true, so thought patterns can be very polarized. You are either all good or all bad. When someone accuses us of thinking or believing things we don't agree with, our instinct is to defend ourselves. In non-BPD relationships, this might work, in BPD relationships, it comes across as invalidating.

For example, if she feels something (i.e. gaav does not love me) and you insist that you do, she feels that you are not validating how she feels. Her language is about how she feels. Your language is about what you think. This is probably the biggest communication issue in BPD relationships.

It takes a lot of emotional strength to validate how someone feels, especially when we are being told how we think (and it's wrong). The key is to accept and acknowledge how she feels. It can be very hard to not get defensive and insist her thoughts are wrong.

Probably also very important that you do not come across as forceful or controlling. You want to be strong for her -- that can be nervewracking, it also means being the emotional leader and staying calm when things feel dramatic.

[gaav]

Hi gaav,

It sounds like you love her a lot, and are willing to work things out. If she shared with you that she is BPD, I wonder if she has been in treatment?

People with BPD have a hard time accepting that opposite things can both be true, so thought patterns can be very polarized. You are either all good or all bad. When someone accuses us of thinking or believing things we don't agree with, our instinct is to defend ourselves. In non-BPD relationships, this might work, in BPD relationships, it comes across as invalidating.

For example, if she feels something (i.e. gaav does not love me) and you insist that you do, she feels that you are not validating how she feels. Her language is about how she feels. Your language is about what you think. This is probably the biggest communication issue in BPD relationships.

It takes a lot of emotional strength to validate how someone feels, especially when we are being told how we think (and it's wrong). The key is to accept and acknowledge how she feels. It can be very hard to not get defensive and insist her thoughts are wrong.

Probably also very important that you do not come across as forceful or controlling. You want to be strong for her -- that can be nervewracking, it also means being the emotional leader and staying calm when things feel dramatic.

She mentioned she used to be in treatement for a while, but didn't feel any effects of it and was only wasting her time there. She was on medication as well for some time. Don't know how long ago she stopped and for how long she did.

I do love her. That's how I feel at least.

This is the first time anyone has ever mentioned the validation of her feelings. Wherever I asked it was always "run from it," "she will ruin you" etc. no real help.

I'm at loss now since she won't contact me, and basically broke up with me. I'm trying hard not to text her, figured I'd give her some space, perhaps she'll come around. I plan on texting her on Woman's day, thought that would be nice. Is it advisable or should I avoid any form of contact, and hope for the best - as in, she will contact me? And if I should get in touch with her, what's the best way to go about it? I know that assuring her how much I love her won't do much, though I'd just wish her a nice woman's day and some other things, without getting emotional.

I suspect there's not much I can do at this point.

How do you feel about the whole "do you love me, ex?" situation? I don't think it's reasonable, but I understand why she would be so mad about it. I know she feels something for me, when I saw her last time she looked so sad and devastated, like my previous girlfriend whom I've broken up with.

I regret not doing enough research on BPD and not doing everything properly. I hope she gives me another chance and we work this out.

I've started reading "stop walking on eggshells," the other one that was recommended that I plan on reading is "i hate you, don't leave." Are they worth giving a shot?

[livednlearned]

Those are both good books. Randi Kreger wrote another book after SWOE that has more up-to-date information. In the last 20 years, there has been more research and what I find interesting is that the research/clinical community seems to understand that with this disorder in particular, if the staff don't like working with BPD patients, then BPD patients aren't likely to get better. So the belief that BPD won't ever get better can be a negative feedback loop. Being aspie, you probably recognize that your mind works the way it works, and having that knowledge can help navigate relationships. There is a similar element with BPD, that she may feel anxiety about not knowing exactly what is the "correct" way to respond to situations. What is different for her, though, is that feelings = facts, and that means her thinking gets distorted.

That's why validation is so important. The way feelings work is that our emotions tend to escalate when we sense people are not acknowledging them. A person with BPD is more easily triggered and it takes a longer time to return to baseline. Validating how she feels instead of immediately correcting the logic is going to be an important skill.

She is still communicating with you, and is trying to protect herself from future harm. That's an understandable impulse. She may also be reeling from the sense of having no boundaries with you. As wonderful as that feels, it can also feel very scary because it represents a merging of the two of you, and she already has a shaky sense of self to begin with. Going forward, especially when the relationship is feeling shaky, can mean mourning the loss of that type of intensity in the relationship if you want to maintain it for the long term. Otherwise she may repeatedly seek to end things as a way to get her sense of self back.

That's why advice is often about being light-hearted, not trying to come on too intensely, giving her space and not crowding her in the hopes you can recreate that earlier intensity. Something didn't feel safe to her and she found a fact to fit her feeling. Your job is to focus on that dynamic and not get caught up in the exact reasons. Be a step ahead so you understand emotionally what is happening, that way she doesn't have to do all the emotional management on her own.

Hope that makes sense.

[gaav]

I just texted her today, wishing her a good weekend.

Is there point in validation of her feelings through texting? And is there "right time" for that? I just want to do something.

Would this be a good way to validate her feelings? "Hey X. I understand how you're feeling about this whole situation with my ex, and I realize that I might've hurt you. You have every right to be mad at me and not trust me after what I've said. I want you to know that I still love you and I will be there for you." I'm considering doing it today too. Would it be too early?

Is this too much, too pushy? I want to learn, I'm a very practical guy and solid examples work the best for me.  I just want to understand this situation, probably being very selfish and wanting to help myself mostly. Can't think rationally due to all the emotions though.


What's the next book by Kreger you mentioned?

And if you were me - how would you go about it? NC till she gets back to me? Try to reach out once in a while?

[livednlearned]

Is there point in validation of her feelings through texting? And is there "right time" for that? I just want to do something.

You want to do something because ________________.

Is this too much, too pushy? I want to learn, I'm a very practical guy and solid examples work the best for me.  I just want to understand this situation, probably being very selfish and wanting to help myself mostly.

It's good to know this. It's possible that you are wanting to do something for yourself, because it makes you feel better. She will be able to feel that you are behaving this way because of your own abandonment anxiety, and that could feel invalidating to her.

Would this be a good way to validate her feelings? "Hey X. I understand how you're feeling about this whole situation with my ex, and I realize that I might've hurt you. You have every right to be mad at me and not trust me after what I've said. I want you to know that I still love you and I will be there for you." I'm considering doing it today too. Would it be too early?

This message rushes things -- it feels anxious and maybe no quite as empathetic as you want. Have you had a chance to read about validation to understand? There are some materials here you can look through: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

It's hard to know how she would respond. I'm not her, and could be wrong, even so this is how I would interpret your message: She hasn't mentioned anything about her feelings, so suddenly there you are with a message that presumes you understand how she feels (you might not), and she might be feeling "of course you hurt me," whereas you say "I might've hurt you." Already validation is pretty thin here. Then you say, "You're mad at me because you can't trust me and I love you anyway." When trust means a lot to her, you seem to be saying it doesn't mean that much to you (for example, you love her even if you can't be trusted).

This is covering a huge amount of ground in a short text. She can't see body language or facial expression, she can't hear the tone of your voice. All she has is a few sentences, and I'm guessing it says everything you have already said?

If she gives you a window, it might help to learn some validating questions. If you feel the urge to get answers from her, try to resist. Listen to her and ask questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025

What's the next book by Kreger you mentioned?

The Essential Family Guide to BPD: New Tools and Techniques

And if you were me - how would you go about it? NC till she gets back to me? Try to reach out once in a while?

Spend some time reading about BPD and learning communication skills that might help. You texted her last, so give her a chance to respond, if and when she's ready. It's only been a week, is that right?

[gaav]

You want to do something because ________________.

Good question! Partly for my self well-being. Mostly because I love her and the silence and tension is killing me. I suppose it is very selfish.

It's good to know this. It's possible that you are wanting to do something for yourself, because it makes you feel better. She will be able to feel that you are behaving this way because of your own abandonment anxiety, and that could feel invalidating to her.

Haven't thought about this way. Few days ago, I felt as if she's hurting me and behaving irrationally, that I haven't done anything wrong. I'm coming around I suppose and noticing many things. And all the mistakes I've done thus far trying to contact her.

This message rushes things -- it feels anxious and maybe no quite as empathetic as you want. Have you had a chance to read about validation to understand? There are some materials here you can look through: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

Thank you for the link! I have read a bit about it before eventually texting her today. I got drunk slightly and couldn't control myself. I ended telling her "I understand that you feel betray and broken after what I've said last sunday. I'm not surprised you feel hurt. I don't blame you for it." I should've held it off and prepare better. I'm still too immature and inexperienced in those fields. Thank you for guiding me though.

It's hard to know how she would respond. I'm not her, and could be wrong, even so this is how I would interpret your message: She hasn't mentioned anything about her feelings, so suddenly there you are with a message that presumes you understand how she feels (you might not), and she might be feeling "of course you hurt me," whereas you say "I might've hurt you." Already validation is pretty thin here. Then you say, "You're mad at me because you can't trust me and I love you anyway." When trust means a lot to her, you seem to be saying it doesn't mean that much to you (for example, you love her even if you can't be trusted).

Then I'm glad I didn't go with this message. I feel SLIGHTLY relieved.

This is covering a huge amount of ground in a short text. She can't see body language or facial expression, she can't hear the tone of your voice. All she has is a few sentences, and I'm guessing it says everything you have already said?

I don't know. Yes and no. When we last spoken, it wasn't really a conversation. I was quite impulsive, she was. It didn't feel like we were talking, I kept trying to explain my behavior and giving reasons for it. She had her idea in mind about why is it that way. I fear I won't have another chance to talk face to face with her, thus I refer to texting.

If she gives you a window, it might help to learn some validating questions. If you feel the urge to get answers from her, try to resist. Listen to her and ask questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025

Thank you VERY much! I'll definitely read it, whether we'll have contact or not. This will definitely be very helpful, be it BPD or nonBPD future girlfriend

The Essential Family Guide to BPD: New Tools and Techniques[/quote]
I've heard about it, couldn't decide which book to go to. I'm not a huge fan of reading, suppose I'm a lazy kid. But I've never been that motivated before to read something. This is very useful.

Spend some time reading about BPD and learning communication skills that might help. You texted her last, so give her a chance to respond, if and when she's ready. It's only been a week, is that right?

Well, we've seen each other on thursday, so not quite a week. I've texted her today twice already :/ I'll definitely do it on woman's day, I can't bring myself not to. Other than that, guess I will give her a week or two before trying to contact again. I've been doing a lot of research since, so I'm already on it.


I can't express how thankful I am for you taking your time to try and guide and support me. It means a lot. Hope you're having a great day! Thank you again. You're the most helpful person I've "met" when trying to find support regarding this issue. It's nice for a change to see trying someone help that much, instead of shrugging it off as "get over it," etc.

[gaav]

I accepted my wrongdoings and noticed all the mistakes and how I hurt my gf and in what ways. I might be about to do another mistake, but I love her much and I want to try anything. She is everything Ive been looking for in my partner, and much more.

I realize that texting her is now pointless. I validated her feelings perhaps correctly. Ive read the entire book you recommended in one go, it helped me understand everything about me and her. I want her even more now, not to help her, but to achieve happiness, as long as she sees that in me.

I decided to go no contact for a week, to let her have the space she needs and some time. One week is probably too short, I kee thinking that if she loves me she will come around, but on the other that if her feeling ia genuine she would have done so sooner, a bit narrow way of thinking but cant help it.

Now my crazy idea - after one week, I want to wait for her in the morning near her house before uni. Just want to gove her her things back, but this is probably pretext to see her. I really want to see her again, to talk. I am trying to convince myself this will prove my love to her and may sway her into the "right" (right for me) direction. Please prove me that this is terrible idea and advice me against it if you think so. I dont want to make even bigger mistake and blow ANY chances left. I am just so madly in love that it looks lole a fantastic idea and might brighten her when she sees me there and then.

Thank you in advance so veru much. I might really have to see a theraist. I have started taking care of myself though, started working out again and getting a haircut too! Perhaps by the end of the week I will change my mind. I might need someone other than friends to talk sense to me, since my friends are too optimistic and think in narrow way, as in saying everything will be good! Ye do that, she will understand everything then! No honesty, just empty words. Guess thats how she feels about me texting "i love you". Puts things into perspective. Heh.

Alternatively, this is what I wanted to text her after around a week "hey x, how are you? Ive just watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" and the way she picked him up on the train reminded me how me met. I even managed to watch the whole thing without falling asleep!" I have tendency to fall aslee when watching movies and she knows about it.

[gaav]

Sorry for spam, cant find the edit button. I tried validating her feelings. What I ended up texting her is;

I understand your point of view. Ive been thinking about this whole situation at the wrong angle. I was judging everything from my point of view. I didnt consider what you were going through and how you felt. Now I understand to some degree how you felt. Ive been too emotional lately. I didnt mean to talk to you the way we did last time. For me there werent any feelings toward my ex so I assumed you feel the same way. I should have done more to erease her from my mind. You were right. Shes still in my head. After 4 years of relationship and recent contact its hard to block her out completly from my head. Even those stupid boxes in my room, they didnt matter for me but subconsciously there were reminding me of her. I know it doesn't change much what I say. I love you. You fill me whole heart and beyond. I really care about you. I know it all depends on you, whether you chose to trust me or not. I know it must be really hard to trust after what Ive said, and that you feel hurt and that I dont give you 200% of my love. I understand now that I love yoy more than I imagined. Thank you for making me realize that. It would be fantastic to try again. I know you love me, I know I love you. Have a nice day."

It was probably too much, I may have omitted some things as I had to translate it from other languange and from top of my head. Have I done anything wrong? Thanks.

[livednlearned]

Hey gaav,

I see where you're picking up some insights and applying them.

It's easier for us to help you before you send something or do something, after the fact is harder to do 

It seems like you are applying new skills and also doing things the same way, so this may come across as a mixed bag.

She is trying to gain some independence here, and you're validating and invalidating her at the same time. The purpose in trying to give her some independence is to let her return to baseline, and she can't do that if you keep trying to jack things up in terms of your relationship.

Same for the university ambush. I'm not BPD, but if a guy did this to me under similar circumstances it would feel very needy and overbearing.

If you validate how she feels, it has to be genuine. Authenticity is important with validation. "I understand how you feel" and then doing the opposite only undermines your credibility. 

[gaav]

Hey gaav,

I see where you're picking up some insights and applying them.

It's easier for us to help you before you send something or do something, after the fact is harder to do 

It seems like you are applying new skills and also doing things the same way, so this may come across as a mixed bag.

She is trying to gain some independence here, and you're validating and invalidating her at the same time. The purpose in trying to give her some independence is to let her return to baseline, and she can't do that if you keep trying to jack things up in terms of your relationship.

Same for the university ambush. I'm not BPD, but if a guy did this to me under similar circumstances it would feel very needy and overbearing.

If you validate how she feels, it has to be genuine. Authenticity is important with validation. "I understand how you feel" and then doing the opposite only undermines your credibility. 

Wish I held off a bit with it. However I came to terms with myself today, for various reasons. My outlook shifted toward the proper direction, keeping my head high! Thanks for all the support I will definitely not do the Uni ambush, having posted it here I realized how ridiculous it might be.

I will try my best to control myself before contacting her again. I'm slow at those things, but it helps me realize many aspects, not only regarding her by everything in general. Also I see where you're getting at with jacking things up, it crossed my mind too after publicizing the post here. I'm learning a lot, I'm so grateful. I came here expecting to find a magical solution how to get her back, instead you all gave me different perspective on everything and allowed me to see the situation through the eyes of other people. Damn!

My thinking process is pretty straightforward and maybe narrow. She thinks I don't love her, I want to ascertain her I do. Ironically, I  am most likely achieving the opppsite.

Well, Ive reconnected with old friend and going partying to blow some steam off. Seems like I need to allow myself to have some space and time too, I rusb everything too much. Lack of expierience and proper knowledge.

[gaav]

Well, she thanked me for the wishes today and sent me some too, with a very personal and self made video. This gives me a lot of hope. I will reply to it today most likely, have to think about it though, what to say and when.

I will update if anything happens.

[livednlearned]

Seems like I need to allow myself to have some space and time too, I rusb everything too much.

This is a really good insight, gaav.

I've learned this about myself too. A lot of times it is anxiety talking, pushing and pushing us to do something out of fear, instead of slowing down and acting from a place of confidence.

Confidence is a magnet. Desperation is not. 

[gaav]

Well, I certainly hope so. Thanked for the gift and asked whether shed like to go for a drink. Probably a week or so before I get a reply, though thats better than nothing.

The only issue I see here is that she might be toying with me, cant really understand her intentions. If she doesnt reply I will be confused very much, as the gift was really personal and must have took her a lot of effort to make it. If thats the case, I assumed she would be willing to at least exchange anything or something. Its been few hours since I texted her. Silence at least I didnt go crazy and havent said anything regarding getting back together, r/s or love. Maybe Im still too pushy and giving desperate vibes.

Well if theres no reply though I wont be nagging her for quite some time then. I will still try to keep little contact with her, but no more than a text once in a while.

Damn! Just as I was typing this she texted me. Im genuinely happy right now. Now I need to keep everything in check not to blow everything.

Awesome. I will update how it went.

[gaav]

It was a little awkward for her initially, surprisingly I acted very normal, but in the end we made up.

Now the real challenge begins. Thanks for guiding and helping me understand her better. I might come around here sometime in then future, hopefully not. In any case, I wont disregard anything that you guys said and keep it in mu head and fuether reaearch everything.

Cheers