Kicked out of detox for uncontrollable behaviors

[qcarolr]

The plans were all made after lots of work by PO (probation officer re: DWAI/pot and harassment convictions). DD to be in detox 'bed' for 2 weeks until bed available for 30 day residential program followed by intensive outpatient program... .

DD27 slept the first two days of detox - yep, that is what happens at home. Then she was angry about being there and feeling disrespected about having infected sores on her face. DD refused to wear bandages on the sores, which could be contagious, spent 36 hours in the office with staff away from other women, then they sent her on her way. I have been in that place too -- and end up sending her away as well. That was Saturday evening. She went into detox Wednesday evening.

She was to meet with PO today. I am pretty sure she did not go as she expects to be sent to jail. She has been avoiding most of her probation program requirements for the past 2 months. The PO confirmed in our brief conversation that this is the only avenue left. They have tried all ways available to help DD be in compliance - many accommodations etc.

My first response is feeling validated -- others cannot manage or tolerate DD's volatile behaviors either.

I gave her a ride from the detox. I paid for one week hotel room (cheaper than the detox daily fee I was to pay). I dropped off most of the stuff sitting in our garage to her room. I have a sense of peace about this that I have not ever had before. No guilt. No remorse or regret. Will this come later? When things do not work out as DD expects?  I am focusing on having very few expectations.

DD says she is leaving the state for a warmer place to live homeless. She said she is NOT going to do the TRT program (Matrix Model CBT program if you want to search and read - sounded good to me!) My prayer is that some of the friends sharing her room go with her so she is not alone. HMMMM - this plan has never been followed through with before. Will it be different this time?

If she doesn't leave town by noon Saturday, or take up a collection to pay for her hotel room for another week, she gets to live homeless here where it is cold-warm-cold-warm. End of winter in Colorado is very snowy. She has done this before, and I am sad if this is what she chooses. I reminded her of this today when we talked. That check out is on Saturday at noon unless someone else has already paid for an extension on the room.

She will likely have a warrant for probation violation by tomorrow. Maybe she will be in jail again soon.

I believe I have done all I can with my efforts, and those of the probation staff, to help DD see a different path for her life.  She thought she could do this before she went in -- she wanted to. Maybe she is not in a place yet to accept treatment. My perception - and this is my story as I cannot read DD's mind - is she is in a deep survival place. The prospect of being confronted in detox/rehab/recovery etc. by all the painful things she has locked away must be overpowering and life threatening. She is a fighter. Her innate response to any threat, after that initial 15 millisecond freeze, is to go into all-out battle mode. The detox staff person said on Friday that this was not a pleasant place to be for DD - it was expected for her to rebel. Little did they know the power that DD has in that rebellion!

Letting go - at that place again. It feels different though. Perhaps I am at a different place. This is a first to feel at peace when she is kicked out of a program. There is a soft, warm, fog on my path. It is to allow me to stay in today and allow tomorrow to unfold as I get there. I will have what I need as I go along. I have a trust and faith in this. Am so grateful for the supportive people in my life -- I could not do this when I felt alone.

I will let you know what is up with DD's life as it unfolds.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Qcr - 

[qcarolr]

Some little angel sent me an email link to DD's facebook page. Not as a friend (most likely the ever searching engines at facebook). She changed her picture today from her cocky smiling face to one of her holding gd age 2 and her newborn son.

Today's contact ended on "you never let me see my daughter, and now she does not even want to talk to me on the phone".

I asked gd8 if she wants to talk to her mom. "NO" was all she said with that look of what are you talking about grandma!

Can you see where this is likely to go? I am quickly shifting into the shadows of Dd's mind feelings.

Got my prayer team on standby

qcr

[jellibeans]

qcarior

I am simply speechless... . what a journey... . hang on... . I hope things get better for you all

[crazedncrazymom]

I think you're in a really good place and I love to see this for you.  You have done everything you can and then some.  At some point it has to be on your daughter to step up and want help.  I guess this is where radical acceptance comes into play.  She will be what she chooses to be. 

Take care of yourself and that beautiful gd of yours! 


crazed

[Rapt Reader]

qcarolr... .  

I know that warm, floaty feeling in the midst of trauma that you are talking about; at the end of February 2013, when my son was at his lowest point--the place that I'd feared for the 16 years prior to that--I floated through it. Apparently through the grace of God. If that is where you are, then it's supposed to be that way. You will survive... .

I don't know what more to say, except that my motherly instincts are hoping that she stays in town, gets put back in jail for her safety, and then hurries up and gets admitted to that DDX Program ASAP. Maybe there'll be a sudden, unexpected bed available (that's what happened for my son while he was waiting for a bed in his DDX Program--a patient there had a friend bring in drugs to the Center, patient was caught and bounced forthwith). We got the call: If dBPDson wants to be admitted now, bring him in and he won't have to wait any longer. My husband took time off from work and we brought him in the next day 

Hang in there, qcarolr, and know that the prayer chain on this Board is working overtime for you 

[qcarolr]

Yep - I am where I need to be with DD.

Now to survive gd8! Ouch - she has a cold, her horse drawing was not going well, she ate 3 packs of mini-M&M's while I was out of the room, she is just now eating her supper food... . I got really beat up and she was beating herself up too.

I left to buy dogfood to take a break the comfort hugs were not working (safe child restraint hold). Dh was home - he was protecting himself with asking "why, why, what" of gd and being sarcastic, even though that doesn't help. 

Yikes - we all descend into our self-protective mode so quickly.

It worked to leave the house for 1/2 hours. Came home to dh watching the president on tv and gd playing her little obstacle course of boxes with her toadlet (I let her keep the one she found mid-oct that would have frozen).

Back to a stable place. I am tired again. But OK. Looking forward to my chiropractor visit on Friday. My anniversary gift to myself - dh will meet gd's bus. 38 years with dh.

qcr

[Thursday]

congratulations  on your 38th anniversary!   

[suchsadness]

qcr... . Happy Anniversary on Friday 

I too know what that feeling is like to know you have done all you can and then let go.  I call it serenity.  I'm glad you are in that place and hope you can remain there for a long long time... . you deserve it! 

Take care and enjoy your upcoming anniversary day.

[mggt]

Dear qcr, My heart aches for you and your family try and enjoy your anniv 

[peaceplease]

qcr,

  I hope you stay at peace mode.   You have done all that you can, and her PO has done all that she can. 

Hope you and dh enjoy your anniversary. 

You are in my prayers.

peace

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

DD has friend that is to pay tomorrow for half the next week of her room. Hope to see that money on the room account when I contact them in the morning. Her wallet was stolen, by the supposed new bf, with all her money and ID. She went to get new room key card - they wanted her ID to give it to her! She worked it out somehow. Such a distressed call last night.

Don't remember exactly what I said, without being judgmental about her choice of friends, and helped her settle. Had a pizza delivered to her room.

I asked if she had contacted anyone in  her program. She had left a message for her PO. Today she heard back and has appointment Monday morning. I want to pick her up and drive her there! (It is a very short walk from her hotel) So hard for me to let her make it on her own! Since she is pushing past her panic and setting this up, we are not setting out in the snow tomorrow. Not sure I could do that anyway. Will extend her room one more week at a time based on her courage in facing what she needs to do for probation.

I am feeling overwhelmed a bit by all of my life tonight -- work, personal stuff (bill paying, tax stuff, some insurance stuff) and then there are a couple things I feel some passion about that I WANT to put energy into. It has been a long time to feel passion about something other than DD's needs.

Gave gd a new tool for when she wants to hit herself or me. Snap the rubber band on her wrist. She is using this on her own, and when reminded it is there. DBT tool. Her T is out of the office for 3 weeks. Can call her supervisor if need support.

It feels so unfair when I am worn down and others still need my help in the family. Dh is trying to be here for me. Gave me a time out tonight.

My peace verse for today:

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when they time comes.  Matt. 6:34 (MSG)

Being mindful and in the moment is not easy for me. Hard to let go of that old pattern of constant worry. I am having some success. This leads me to peace.

qcr

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi qcr!

You never cease to amaze me!  You seem to have this neverending optimism.  Thank goodness your daughter seems back on track.  The one thing I wonder about in your post is... you feel guilty for not taking care of the rest of your family.  Who is taking care of you?  Helping someone with BPD is so emotionally draining!  Do you feel your family supports you?

[Thursday]

Hi qcarolr-

I am feeling overwhelmed a bit by all of my life tonight -- work, personal stuff (bill paying, tax stuff, some insurance stuff) and then there are a couple things I feel some passion about that I WANT to put energy into. It has been a long time to feel passion about something other than DD's needs.

Do the passion-filled stuff first. It will energize you for the mundane stuff.

It feels so unfair when I am worn down and others still need my help in the family. Dh is trying to be here for me. Gave me a time out tonight.

Unfair, yes. Isn't the life of a Mom pretty unfair sometimes? Yet we keep on keeping on.    Glad your dh is at least trying to be there for you.

Did DH give you a time out (like Supernanny?) or let you have some time out? I'm hoping for the latter, unless you needed a Supernanny time out.

Must be so hard to know that all she has to do is walk for a minute and still be worried that she might not do so. Prayers all around for your DD to dig deep for courage. I see with my SD that personal fortitude is very hard for her. She often gives up before she even tries. She is always very pleasantly surprised at how well her life goes when she finds that little nugget of courage within her and when she does it catapults her into feeling better about herself.

Good luck!

thursday

[qcarolr]

Do the passion-filled stuff first. It will energize you for the mundane stuff.

Yep - just what I did last night. Gd was working in "GO BRONCO" posters and balloons to share with a friend today. I finished working out the draft for sharing at my church 12-step class for tomorrow. 1st time in this group to lead. So much has shifted for me in past two weeks since I started the first draft. Less about DD and more about changes in me.

Did DH give you a time out (like Supernanny?) or let you have some time out? I'm hoping for the latter, unless you needed a Supernanny time out.

He managed an angry gd while I went to my room and managed an angry grandma. Have to confess I did kick the door a couple of times! Just need to scream once in a while to reset my brain chemistry   Pillow screaming works pretty darn good for that.  [side story: in "lilo and stitch" the two sisters, big and little, have an argument, both go to their rooms separately and scream into their pillows. Then they come together for a hug. Gd has done this after seeing that movie a couple years ago]

Must be so hard to know that all she has to do is walk for a minute and still be worried that she might not do so. Prayers all around for your DD to dig deep for courage. I see with my SD that personal fortitude is very hard for her. She often gives up before she even tries. She is always very pleasantly surprised at how well her life goes when she finds that little nugget of courage within her and when she does it catapults her into feeling better about herself.

If DD calls me when she knows what she needs to do and cannot take the step out the doorr - even a text - she usually will go if I can say ":)o it anyway. Dig deep for the courage".  I hope I hear from her Monday. If she asks me to go with her, I will go. She has to ask.

crazedncrazymom - it is more an endless sense of hope rather than optimism. I have come to accept that DD is coverd by so much more than what I can provide. This gives me hope while allowing me to more easily get what she can choose to do for herself, and what she truly needs support in doing. I am letting go more and more.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Yesterday dd had appr in morning. I called at 9:30 to let her know i was thinkng of her. PO called today in reply to my message to verify if she showed up. She did not. Texted some message an hour after appt. That po just got today. She said there is now a warrant for arrest on probation  violation. Po did say dd was very concerned about going to jail.

I struggle to understand her avoidance of treatment. Does she believe they will not find her?

I can no longer deny that drugs may have a strong hold on her.  She denies use to me.

I text her every  couple days at this point. Told her we are not giving her the replacement tablet. The one we got her for christmas was stolen. Too much invested in this already to risk it getting stolen or sold. Choosing to not reply to her texts asking for.

We have paid for her motel room for week. Very dangerous cold. Plan to set end date for this support. She may be in jail anyway before we hit our budget.

Want to let po know where she is. Po has not asked. At same time i dezire to let her life unfold without my interference. This is strong in me too.

Turning my mind to other things when thoughts of dd intrude. Finding spending time in contemplative prayer throughout the day helps so much. Practicing waiting. All so much easier knowing she has safe place to be until she is found on warrant.

Qcr

[Rapt Reader]

qcarolr, I'm so sorry 

Your realization that drugs may be a real issue with her was hard-won, and I know how terrifying and traumatic that must be for you. I've been there, my friend, and I know the hollow heavy sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach that stays for a long time until the issue is resolved. I've been there... .

Do you know actually that your daughter is at the Motel? If so, I would probably let the PO know how to find her so she can be apprehended or at least communicated with. I do understand the tug-of-war inside that vacillates between wanting to notify the authorities, and wanting to step out of the way and let the natural consequences work it out. It's torture, actually... .

I'm hoping you can post here soon that she's been reached and is safe, and that the system is going to do its job and she'll be treated. My heart aches for you, and I will join you in prayer that things will be Okay 

[jellibeans]

qcaroir

I am sorry things continue to go bad... . I just wanted to say that when my dd was at her worst I felt like it was somewhat intensional... . I really felt she was pushing us to put her in RTC... . I know that sounds odd but deep down I think my dd needed help and she wanted it... . maybe this is a way for your dd to get the help she needs. Going to jail might give her the stability that is lacking in her life right now. Maybe that is the best thing for her now.

[Thursday]

Qcrl-

ARgh.

I struggle to understand her avoidance of treatment. Does she believe they will not find her?

I don't think it's likely that your DD is wondering much past whatever moment she is in RIGHT NOW. Right now nobody is interfering with her getting high so she's not rushing out to put an end to this secure place where she is able to do whatever she wants. Even if this alternative is better than jail, she isn't IN jail so she just can't view it as an option because it will foul up her using. She gets that once she is in treatment she won't be able to use so she can't quite get herself there.

For a while my SD flipped and flopped about getting clean. She really wanted to keep smoking pot. Because other people smoke pot and it's not a big deal. Problem is though, with her (and all addicts) it's not just a little bit of pot smoking. It goes in the worst direction and fast.

I would tell the PO where she is. My reasoning is that the sooner she gets help for her addiction the safer she is in every way. She is not going to get clean without some sort of intervention. I'm so sorry that her best option (the program she was offered)  isn't an option anymore.

But that is me and you need to figure out what feels right to you.

She is a tough one, your DD. Strong willed. I am praying that someday this strong will can help her in positive ways.

Thursday

[qcarolr]

What has come to me today, for today, is that if it is not clear to me what to do, then it is best to do nothing.

I do know that DD is in her hotel. It is below zero today -- well maybe 5 above this afternoon. Most likely there are other homeless friends there as well. This has been the pattern.

She sent text at 5:30 this am asking for her tablet or a laptop (both that we have 'repurchased' from her) and cigarettes. This got me to thinking again.

First I wanted to tell her to leave me alone about the computer option. It is closed subject. -- no point in that conversation as she will just keep asking.

So dh and I spent some time before gd got up pondering our options.

Call her location to PO and leave a message.

Respond to DD to consider turning herself in before room expires on Sat. at noon.

Holding belief that the police will somehow just find her and she will be in jail without our actions before room expires on Sat noon. (this is dh's main hope - we avoid everything that way)

Telling her we are calling PO -- then she will leave and not be there.

I have come to the place where, for today, I do not have a clear idea of what to do, so I will wait. This is where my quiet meditations and prayer led me this morning. I called Dh at lunch -- we will make a decision by Friday afternoon. I will not respond to her text messages asking for anything. I am not sure what I will do if she calls. I do not want to have to turn my phone off.

I have also let go of thinking that preserving her stuff from motel room of big value to me other than her mobile phone. I was using lots of energy this morning worrying about what to do if she was arrested and others were in her room and took her stuff. Well, guess they can have it. I can report her phone stolen and suspend it from out family plan.

dh home. gotta go get dinner then off to teacher conference for gd.

qcr